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Andy

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Andy, I hope you are preserving your postings to hand down to your daughter some day. They will give her a beautiful legacy of love and life's joys and sorrows for her to pass on down.

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1 hour ago, HHFaith said:

Coming up on 5 months for me too. And I have also noticed that the grief is eveloving. The intense anxiety and pain have calmed down a bit. But i still cry every day and more often I'm crying multiple times a day. I'm finding that as time goes on more reality is setting in. Sometimes the shock is still there and I'll find myself looking at a picture and asking myself how could this be possible?  How is he not here?  I will never see him again, ever??  It sometimes just doesn't make any sense to my brain. 

I also find myself "looking for something" but I don't know what that is either. I miss feeling happy. I miss the joy. I miss him. I'm trying to remember that since I did have the capacity to feel true happiness and joy, I have to believe that I can feel that again. Maybe that's what I'm looking for- to learn be happy while missing him. 

Several members of my grief group warned me that the 5-8 month period is tougher because more reality sets in. Though it is different for everyone, I am starting to find that is true. 

Hang in there. We will all continue to feel our crazy feelings and we will survive. I wish we all find our happiness again someday, whatever that may be. 

HHFaith, you just hit on something, maybe something I haven't quite thought of. "Searching for something but I don't know what" has been a theme for me for at a couple of months now, but maybe what I'm looking for, all of us maybe, IS happiness. I know, duh, obvious right? Well, maybe not. I thought I was looking for something to make me happy, a thing, an activity, a person, but maybe that's not it. Perhaps it's happiness itself? Losing my wife left a huge void in my life, happiness was taken away along with so much else, but my connection to things I enjoyed previously is still there. It's happiness I seek, not a hobby or a friend, it's the feeling, the emotion of joy and pleasure. It's gone, I want it back. Do you think that merely WANTING happiness again is a sign for the positive? That we actually still have a desire for that, still, after such horrible loss, indicates passion for life? As you said, we know we enjoyed such happiness once, we are capable, but do we allow ourselves the risk? We've had our expectations raised to mythic proportions, our beloveds occupy lofty heights of near demigods, what, who could ever measure up? That's a flaw of our making, but one we must overcome, IF our chosen path is another partner. Of course, it may not be, content with what we had, the life and love we experienced, it's more than enough to sustain us, but we still desire some form of happiness. 

Our crosses are indeed heavy, and burdened with so much wreckage of lives lived and dreams broken. We all strive for something a little better than "now". We need the promise or, at the very least, the affirmation of possibilities. Hope. Hope should be our passion that drives us to get up one more day. That tomorrow will indeed be just a little brighter. I pray for it everyday. For all of us. 

Andy

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43 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy, I hope you are preserving your postings to hand down to your daughter some day. They will give her a beautiful legacy of love and life's joys and sorrows for her to pass on down.

That's an interesting idea. Thank you, of course she may wonder how so many nice and level headed people forced themselves through so much blah, blah, blah! I think that's what she hears when I talk anyway. Thank you KMB 

Andy

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KayC, Autocharge, thank you both for the insight and replies. My loneliness is overwhelming at times, not eased up at all. And our personal timetables of acceptance are just that, personal, subject to our background, our "wiring", support, lack of support and a million other factors. No manual to go by, just general guidelines to mark our "progress". Thank you, all of you, my life would be a far more sorry affair than it is now, without your compassion. 

I can never thank you enough, for all you've done. I know my wife adores each and everyone of you for looking after her mess of a husband. From the very bottom of my broken heart, thank you. 

Love to this family,

Andy

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

HHFaith, you just hit on something, maybe something I haven't quite thought of. "Searching for something but I don't know what" has been a theme for me for at a couple of months now, but maybe what I'm looking for, all of us maybe, IS happiness. I know, duh, obvious right? Well, maybe not. I thought I was looking for something to make me happy, a thing, an activity, a person, but maybe that's not it. Perhaps it's happiness itself? Losing my wife left a huge void in my life, happiness was taken away along with so much else, but my connection to things I enjoyed previously is still there. It's happiness I seek, not a hobby or a friend, it's the feeling, the emotion of joy and pleasure. It's gone, I want it back. Do you think that merely WANTING happiness again is a sign for the positive? That we actually still have a desire for that, still, after such horrible loss, indicates passion for life? As you said, we know we enjoyed such happiness once, we are capable, but do we allow ourselves the risk? We've had our expectations raised to mythic proportions, our beloveds occupy lofty heights of near demigods, what, who could ever measure up? That's a flaw of our making, but one we must overcome, IF our chosen path is another partner. Of course, it may not be, content with what we had, the life and love we experienced, it's more than enough to sustain us, but we still desire some form of happiness. 

Our crosses are indeed heavy, and burdened with so much wreckage of lives lived and dreams broken. We all strive for something a little better than "now". We need the promise or, at the very least, the affirmation of possibilities. Hope. Hope should be our passion that drives us to get up one more day. That tomorrow will indeed be just a little brighter. I pray for it everyday. For all of us. 

Andy

Exactly Andy.  Being happy and feeling happiness again.  Found within ourselves, not a thing, activity, or person as you said.  It is possible.  And yes, wanting happiness is definitely a positive sign.  It means we have hope.   There is ALWAYS hope.  If we can start to make an effort to at least try to enjoy the things we used to enjoy, even the smallest things, maybe that can spark some of that happiness we used to know and feel.  Of course it will never be the same.  Everything I enjoyed and found happiness with was better with Pat, but there just has to be something left there.  I have to be happy again.  I want to be happy again.  Of course it will never, never be the same, whether with someone else or alone, but I think we are all looking for happiness, joy, and freedom in our lives. 

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HHFaith,

It is true, they say the six month mark is the hardest, of course that time frame can vary a bit.  It's hard for me to think anything was worse than the early part of grief though, it hit me soon...I remember telling my son "He isn't here, trust me, I've looked!"  It's weird how it can sink in and yet continue sinking in as time goes by.

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Andy,

The last thing in the world I want to do is discourage you, but I don't know that I look for happiness so much as try to embrace any little joy that comes my way, even if it's momentary.  Happiness as I once knew it is gone.  I sure haven't found it in anything else, not like I had with George.  But I'll take these bits and pieces, they help keep me going.  Spending time with my dog, enjoying nature, the beauty outside, reading a good book, visiting with friends, seeing my grandchildren, my church activities, even the satisfaction of having done a hard day's work.  We're all different in what we search for, what we'll accept, what brings us joy or happiness, but true happiness they say comes from within, I don't know, I thought I hit pure bliss with George, but I do have peace within, that counts for something.

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4 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Exactly Andy.  Being happy and feeling happiness again.  Found within ourselves, not a thing, activity, or person as you said.  It is possible.  And yes, wanting happiness is definitely a positive sign.  It means we have hope.   There is ALWAYS hope.  If we can start to make an effort to at least try to enjoy the things we used to enjoy, even the smallest things, maybe that can spark some of that happiness we used to know and feel.  Of course it will never be the same.  Everything I enjoyed and found happiness with was better with Pat, but there just has to be something left there.  I have to be happy again.  I want to be happy again.  Of course it will never, never be the same, whether with someone else or alone, but I think we are all looking for happiness, joy, and freedom in our lives. 

You're right, things will never be as they were. Too much has been lost, our beloveds gone now, leaving wounds that will never heal. Hope is crucial to our (my) continued evolution, crucial to everything. I too wish to spend at least some of my remaining days with some form of happiness. I'm cheering you on, I hope you find something that allows you to be truly happy again. We all deserve at least that. 

Thank you HHFaith, peace and comfort,

Andy

 

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy,

The last thing in the world I want to do is discourage you, but I don't know that I look for happiness so much as try to embrace any little joy that comes my way, even if it's momentary.  Happiness as I once knew it is gone.  I sure haven't found it in anything else, not like I had with George.  But I'll take these bits and pieces, they help keep me going.  Spending time with my dog, enjoying nature, the beauty outside, reading a good book, visiting with friends, seeing my grandchildren, my church activities, even the satisfaction of having done a hard day's work.  We're all different in what we search for, what we'll accept, what brings us joy or happiness, but true happiness they say comes from within, I don't know, I thought I hit pure bliss with George, but I do have peace within, that counts for something.

KayC, you don't discourage, anything but. You speak truth, it's all from a place of caring, a desire to help. That in and of itself is encouraging. 

I think you're correct though, I wouldn't ever expect to find or experience what I had. I have to let my expectations go, and that's not easy. On one hand, any expectations I may have would only restrict my "sight", but on the other hand, I must establish guidelines, my time is limited, I'm not 20, so I'd rather not spend that reduced time in futility. 

As to it never being that same level of honest, true, once in a lifetime, intimacy, that's also something I believe to be fact. I'm sure it happens for some, but I'm not even suggesting I want to, not like before. I think maybe like your first kiss, the first time you hold hands or "fall" for someone, nothing really ever matches those "first" times. It doesn't stop us from moving forward though. We take pieces of all of our experiences with us, they effect our future interactions, for better or worse. Like you, I'm probably not going to find anyone that I'll feel like I did with my wife. I'm also fairly certain that isn't what I'm going (IF) to search for anyway. At this point in my life, friendship is paramount. Shared experiences, companionship of the kind that keeps you from being truly alone, maybe that's my aim? I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud. Things I wish I didn't think about. 

Thank you again for your insight, it's deeply appreciated as always. Love and hugs,

Andy

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Some thoughts I've had today. I decided to do one of my "head clearing" back road drives this afternoon. This time it consisted of roughly 2 1/2 hours and 115 miles of peaceful, slow paced, top off driving. No destination, I just get to a point of no particular significance, turn around and come back. While I'm out, I talk. A lot. Not to myself, though you'd think so if you were witness to this, but I'm talking to God. In the form of consciousness, God listens and I believe answers, although not as clear as I'd like. Do I "hear" the voice of God? No, not at all, but I think as I ask certain things and work them out, I'm guided to conclusions. Anyway, that's about as good an explanation as I can give. If you think I'm just crazy or delusional due to grief induced trauma, that's okay too. 

As I was driving, I was considering this idea of happiness, loss, the constant searching I'm doing, and what it all means. I'm not sure I got THE answer, but I did realize another component of what's been driving to "search". At least I think so. It's another "duh" moment, something so profoundly obvious I should feel ashamed for not seeing it earlier. It's this, I realize that part of what I miss, what I have had for so long, is having another person out there who cares for ME. Yes, I stumbled upon that earlier, but not the depth of its importance. I work all day and no one cares, I get home late, so what, no one cares, I'm sick, I break my leg, I cry and no one cares. Living without having a soul who loves you because they want to, a person who worries because they care, someone to check on you because you matter to them, it's terrible. I used to matter to someone. I used to be important, to my dear Tracie, and that's all that mattered to me. But now that's all gone. Of course my parents care, my daughter, a friend or two, but you all know that's different. There's nothing like the voluntary and GIVEN love of our partners, our beloveds. They make us feel like we are the most important people on earth, that what we do does matter because they count on us, they NEED us. I'm not needed now. I'm needed as a dad, a son, and I take those things very seriously, I hold those roles with reverence. However, that feeling I got when I made something "better" for my wife, took care of her, when she kissed me in thanks of doing some little nothing, nothing feels like that. And I'm realizing now that my diminished capacity for desire or want of purpose is connected, in part, to this missing piece. This is yet another piece of my broken life, but it's a piece. What to do with it? I don't know yet. Maybe it can't be fixed. I fear living like this. I truly do. It's bad enough having no one to share life with, now realizing that I'm not needed, not valued, that's just added weight. We all need validation, and we get it many ways, work, helping others, finding new love, whatever it is, I just feel miserable. My wife loved me, needed me, trusted me, adored me, I meant something. Those things were equally true of my feelings for her, and how do you handle that? How do you accept that diminished self importance? Maybe I was never that important in the first place, but she made me feel like a prince. 

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Wow, we just had a conversation like this on my other site a couple of days ago!  What you're feeling is something we all miss.

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43 minutes ago, KayC said:

Wow, we just had a conversation like this on my other site a couple of days ago!  What you're feeling is something we all miss.

It's odd, but if I'd read that, at some point during this grief process, that I'd experience all of these different emotions, that I'd be hit with various realizations of my loss, I don't think it would have an impact. Until we actually have first hand experiences with these added elements, in the order and fashion that's unique to each of us, we simply can't understand. I think it's actually impossible for us to appreciate the depth of loss of this magnitude. I suppose that's why each new, self discovery, feels like an epiphany. It's not real until we live it. And then it's surreal. 

 

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I guess that's why it seeps in bit by bit.  We couldn't handle it if all the layers and aspects hit us all at once!  It IS a process.

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Surreal.......yes that word describes it perfectly. Still all feels like a dream. Or a nightmare really. I never in a million years could have imagined what this is like. Such a process. Every day is different. Every hour is different. I can't wait to get off this roller coaster!! Hopefully someday I will and my new life will feel more like a kiddie ride than a roller coaster!

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3 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Surreal.......yes that word describes it perfectly. Still all feels like a dream. Or a nightmare really. I never in a million years could have imagined what this is like. Such a process. Every day is different. Every hour is different. I can't wait to get off this roller coaster!! Hopefully someday I will and my new life will feel more like a kiddie ride than a roller coaster!

I'd take bumper cars over this! This is a roller coaster or madhouse, maybe a combination of both really. 

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5 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Surreal.......yes that word describes it perfectly. Still all feels like a dream. Or a nightmare really. I never in a million years could have imagined what this is like

 For those of us with religious based faith or even just believing in life after death, I feel we do go on to another life after this one. Our physical bodies that house our spirits have a time expiration due to illness, disease, accidents. The whole downfall of our existence here is our dense, physical shells. If we take the time to analyze the *whys* of our lives, it all does appear to be surreal.  Just a thought that popped in while I was reading these current posts. It is raining here today and we all know how rainy days affect our minds!

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

 For those of us with religious based faith or even just believing in life after death, I feel we do go on to another life after this one. Our physical bodies that house our spirits have a time expiration due to illness, disease, accidents. The whole downfall of our existence here is our dense, physical shells. If we take the time to analyze the *whys* of our lives, it all does appear to be surreal.  Just a thought that popped in while I was reading these current posts. It is raining here today and we all know how rainy days affect our minds!

I've really come to believe that we are just a "house" or a "box" for our souls/spirits while we are here on earth. And yes, we all have an expiration date. There just has to be something more after our bodies are done here. There just has to be. Some other dimension I guess, where are spirits "live". So strange that NOBODY really knows. 

Raining here too. And cold. And gray. And dreary. And dark. Just like my mood. No sun till Thursday!

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Thank you, HHFaith. I wouldn't expect everyone to agree with that analogy, but there is getting to be more scientific based evidence that are are so many planets, etc in the universe we don't know anything about. I have to keep the faith that when the physical body expires, our spirit has no choice but to go on to another plane of existence. Be it our version of Heaven or whatever. How would anyone explain feeling a spiritual presence or the unexplained signs we receive? We won't know until it is our turn for our own body to expire.

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I don't know about you but I like hearing about the things they are learning about other solar systems, planets, possible existence of life elsewhere, etc., I find it not only fascinating but comforting to realize how big the world is and how we're but a tiny speck and yet God planned, created us, and continues to care for us.  How finite is our time here, especially in the realm of eternity!  It makes me realize that our time here will go by and we will be with them again before we know it!

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bradley1985
On 5/28/2017 at 9:13 PM, Andy said:

As I was driving, I was considering this idea of happiness, loss, the constant searching I'm doing, and what it all means. I'm not sure I got THE answer, but I did realize another component of what's been driving to "search". At least I think so. It's another "duh" moment, something so profoundly obvious I should feel ashamed for not seeing it earlier. It's this, I realize that part of what I miss, what I have had for so long, is having another person out there who cares for ME. Yes, I stumbled upon that earlier, but not the depth of its importance. I work all day and no one cares, I get home late, so what, no one cares, I'm sick, I break my leg, I cry and no one cares. Living without having a soul who loves you because they want to, a person who worries because they care, someone to check on you because you matter to them, it's terrible. I used to matter to someone. I used to be important, to my dear Tracie, and that's all that mattered to me. But now that's all gone. Of course my parents care, my daughter, a friend or two, but you all know that's different. There's nothing like the voluntary and GIVEN love of our partners, our beloveds. They make us feel like we are the most important people on earth, that what we do does matter because they count on us, they NEED us.

Right on.  I made up a slogan a few weeks ago regarding this.  What is worse "losing the person you love more than anyone in the world" OR "losing the person who loves you more than anything in the world." ??? the person who chooses to be with you, accept you, help rid you of any shame, compliments you under all circumstances, thinks your the king of the earth, never judges you, and always supports you.  I had never had a person like that before.  Out of probably 20 girlfriends, a previous wife, and countless dates over my lifetime I had never had anything close.  Not from another women and not from a family member.   I mattered to someone.  I was somebody's treasure.  Now I am just another a numb, angry piece of palpatating flesh walking around this cursed earth.  

I cant go see her in heaven because heaven probably doesnt even work like that.  Strip me of all emotion and fears leaving only love and connection to other souls and I am no longer human, just a soul in heaven who no longer has the same desires or thought process.  However, thats probably got to be better than this.  I will never be with my wife in the same relationship form again, I just have to get used to it.  When she left her body she was probably stripped of all earthly fears (for better or worse) that are one of the things that shape who we are.  Same will happen to me.  Earthly existence sucks but I know I am stuck here.

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1 hour ago, bradley1985 said:

I cant go see her in heaven because heaven probably doesnt even work like that.

Hmm..."probably" indicates you're not sure.  I've read the Bible all my life and I believe with all my heart we WILL be together again, we will remember, we will know each other.  We'll have all of eternity together.  Even though things will be different there, the love we have continues.  Knowing there is no more sorrow, no more pain, that is something to be glad for them of, and to hope for and look forward to.

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Bradley1985, yes, that's a question I've thought of many, many times. I think the answer is yes, both. They both go hand in hand, so we lose more than the obvious. Not only that, we lose what we thought was our future, our immediate concerns or plans, our sense of comfort and security, the fairytale belief that things "work out", we lose the notion that we actually have control over things, and the list goes on. 

My idea of "Heaven" and how our consciousness carries on is a bit different than yours. I lean towards a more optimistic view, but regardless, until we know how it works for ourselves, we're still stuck here with our grief and a life of uncertainty. Broken dreams and broken hearts, those are our relics of a bygone era. We just get up, each day, hoping we have a "clarity" of understanding, hoping we find peace. It's what I'm trying to do, and a little happiness if I can. 

Bless you my friend, 

Andy

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2 hours ago, Andy said:

We just get up, each day, hoping we have a "clarity" of understanding, hoping we find peace. It's what I'm trying to do, and a little happiness if I can. 

Profound words we need to live by, day by day. Thanks Andy. What I should do is get a packet of post its and write down all the inspirational words and fill the house with them as constant reminders!

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8 hours ago, KMB said:

Profound words we need to live by, day by day. Thanks Andy. What I should do is get a packet of post its and write down all the inspirational words and fill the house with them as constant reminders!

You're too kind. Thank you though, I think everyone here has words of profound wisdom, gained in a most sorrowful manner. Ahh, the grief, lays us bare, sharing things we wish we didn't have to. 

 

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Yes, but your response was very well put: 

14 hours ago, Andy said:

Bradley1985, yes, that's a question I've thought of many, many times. I think the answer is yes, both. They both go hand in hand, so we lose more than the obvious. Not only that, we lose what we thought was our future, our immediate concerns or plans, our sense of comfort and security, the fairytale belief that things "work out", we lose the notion that we actually have control over things, and the list goes on. 

My idea of "Heaven" and how our consciousness carries on is a bit different than yours. I lean towards a more optimistic view, but regardless, until we know how it works for ourselves, we're still stuck here with our grief and a life of uncertainty. Broken dreams and broken hearts, those are our relics of a bygone era. We just get up, each day, hoping we have a "clarity" of understanding, hoping we find peace. It's what I'm trying to do, and a little happiness if I can. 

Bless you my friend, 

Andy

 

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Andy, I meant to say everyone's words of wisdom that has had an impact for me should be on post its. I do find myself going back and re-reading the older threads when I find myself needing some extra support. At least our words don't disappear on here.

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Thank you KayC. Your kindness is always appreciated :-)

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, I meant to say everyone's words of wisdom that has had an impact for me should be on post its. I do find myself going back and re-reading the older threads when I find myself needing some extra support. At least our words don't disappear on here.

It's nice that at least somewhere, our thoughts, for better or worse, will be "archived" in a way. These conversations we have, they become so organic, taking on a life of their own. One topic leads to another, branching off from there, one path stays the course, another carries on in a private setting. It's a wonderful way for us to freely express ourselves without fear of judgement or being second guessed. We can share, commiserate, advise, seek guidance all within the "shelter" of this place, this sanctuary of sorts. God knows, it has been my sanctuary more than once. A home away from home full of the loveliest, most warm hearted people imaginable. 

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I've stated that I intend to seek out an existence that's more than just surviving. A life that is perhaps more than going through the motions, maybe even a bit of happiness. That hasn't changed, I sincerely hope that I find inspiration or motivation that leads me somewhere positive. 

However, sometimes, just sometimes, like tonight, I wonder "what if this is it?" It's just this mood that crawls upon me, sits upon my head, makes me glum. It's not quite sadness, nor is it a depression, it's more resignation with a touch of anger and a dash of indifference, and I guess a little sadness. I can't really pin point the feeling, but it gets me to pondering if my desire to be happy is realistic. If the trauma of this loss is just too much, my psyche to damaged to ever accept happiness again. I wonder if being alone is my fate. A young man that I've been training at my job lost his father last week. His dad was only 48. Long divorced from his mother, he lived alone, and he died alone. I know enough about myself to know that this has affected my mood, his age, the circumstance of his passing, that of being alone, only to be found the next day, all underscores some of my greatest fears. Days like today, it seems as if everyone has picked up and carried on with their life, but I feel left behind. I'm still living, chained to the night my wife passed from my world. Everything I see is tinted by this. So, as I said, I worry that this is as good as it's going to get. Which is to say, not very good. My daughter has many things going on, and I'm thankful for that, my parents are doing as they've always done, thankful also for this, friends doing whatever they do, but I'm here. I sit at work and think how much I wish I were at home. I get home and I'm at a loss as to what to do. Structure, meaning, direction and purpose have all crumbled. 

Anyway, a bit depressing, but that's my current mood. Just wondering if any of you feel this way from time to time, if so, what you're thoughts are about it? How you've dealt with it?

After 5 months, what I know, I miss my wife terribly, I miss the certainty of my past life, and being alone, like this, after having someone you love so much, it's a type of hell. That's the only way I can describe it, a hellish purgatory, a place to wait out this sentence, my penance for daring to love someone.  Never mind me, it's in the air I suppose. 

Take care all, be safe,

Andy

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Andy, yes I feel the way you described often. But there is something inside of me that hangs on to the hope that I will be "happy" again. Of course things will never be the same. My life is changed. I am changed. But I learned from having Pat in my life that I have the capacity in me to feel happiness, joy, and true love. I thought my happiness died with him. And for now it feels like it did. But I am slowly trying to learn to find that happiness which is still in me.

I'm pushing myself more than I ever have to connect with people. I am pushing myself to do things for me. Not to be selfish but more to take better care of myself. I do have a choice about my future from this point on. I can choose to be afraid of my future, that I will never be happy again. Or I can look at my future as an "adventure waiting to unfold". I saw that quote somewhere and thought it was a little hokey, but it made a lot of sense to me. I'm trying hard to be aware of my attitude. Don't get me wrong, there are many many moments when I can't think straight and the sadness and fear still overwhelm me but I am trying so hard. That's all we can do. 

Hang in there. You will find some happiness again. Start with the small stuff, keep the faith and take it one day at a time. 

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3 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Andy, yes I feel the way you described often. But there is something inside of me that hangs on to the hope that I will be "happy" again. Of course things will never be the same. My life is changed. I am changed. But I learned from having Pat in my life that I have the capacity in me to feel happiness, joy, and true love. I thought my happiness died with him. And for now it feels like it did. But I am slowly trying to learn to find that happiness which is still in me.

I'm pushing myself more than I ever have to connect with people. I am pushing myself to do things for me. Not to be selfish but more to take better care of myself. I do have a choice about my future from this point on. I can choose to be afraid of my future, that I will never be happy again. Or I can look at my future as an "adventure waiting to unfold". I saw that quote somewhere and thought it was a little hokey, but it made a lot of sense to me. I'm trying hard to be aware of my attitude. Don't get me wrong, there are many many moments when I can't think straight and the sadness and fear still overwhelm me but I am trying so hard. That's all we can do. 

Hang in there. You will find some happiness again. Start with the small stuff, keep the faith and take it one day at a time. 

Absolutely, I cling to the possibility that something good will happen for a change. Last night/evening, I was in one of those dark moods. There's been an accumulation of tradgedy, starting with my best friends father passing away, then my wife, parents of coworkers, a family friend who committed suicide, and now, my 18 year old dog is finally losing her ability to walk or stand, forcing me to consider putting her down. All within 5 months, and of course not to mention other, very serious issues that bring their own set of heartache and stress. Obviously nothing comes close to losing my wife, but when you start adding all of these other things on top, it gets to be a strain. I wonder at my limits, what will happen if I exceed them. Nervous breakdown? Total psychological and emotional fatigue? I'll be useless then. 

What would've been our 25th wedding anniversary is coming up soon, and it looms large in my mind. I've scheduled the day off from work, but I don't know what I'll do. It adds to my anxiety, as all significant dates tend to do now. Should I go off, alone, to just think? Should I spend it with family? Should I stay in bed all day? I want to go somewhere I think. Like she wanted us to do, like we had just started talking about, barely beginning to plan. What a sad and lonely place I'm in. 

HHFaith, thank you for you encouraging words. You're so kind and thoughful. I'm trying, it's Saturday and I'm looking for something to do, something I want to do. It's so difficult. Plus, it's about one million degrees here, that and the evil gnats, making things oh so pleasant. To quote Sir Elton John, "I'm Still Standing"

Have a safe and peaceful day, love and hugs,

Andy

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KayC, I clicked on your link. I'm not sure how to phrase this, but you should feel some relief you are not in that fresh pain of grief? Your pain and disbelief is apparent from your words in that post. By being here almost 12 years later, you are our shining hope. Maybe, just maybe, if you ever transition over before some of us yet here, ( and Heavens No, I'm not wishing anyone here an early demise, but we all know too well that tomorrow is not guaranteed) you can bring us a sign here, that all that we wish for and believe with reuniting with our soulmate is true?

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy, speaking of archiving, this is my first post after losing my husband (look for kayc July 10 2005):
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/574-my-love-left-at-748-sat-night/#comment-1879 

It is the nice thing about websites, our stories are preserved.

Wow, the consistency in the things I felt during the same relative time as you, the same thoughts, emotions, and how far you've come in your personal journey. KMB is so spot on, a "shining hope" indeed. And what's more, you're still HERE, helping us poor souls, still giving, reaching back day after day into that well of pain, just to lift us up. Your dear, sweet husband is beaming with pride (I know, Heaven, that's a no no) over this little mortal woman shining with a light bright enough to be clearly seen from all the way "over there". Bragging to I bet. "Yep, that's my girl. Told you she was something special!" 

Bless you KayC, you have no idea how much you've helped, myself, and no doubt, many others. 

Saint KayC anyone? :-)

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10 minutes ago, Andy said:

Saint KayC anyone? :-)

Yes!!  And KayC, I also wanted to tell you how great I think it is that you started a grief group in your area. I have been going to 2. They are so helpful.  The sharing among the members there has been so comforting. I know some on this forum are not lucky enough to have those supports groups close by. All the more reason this forum is so needed. You are doing a wonderful thing with your group and your dedication to this site is remarkable. THANK YOU Saint KayC!!

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9 hours ago, Andy said:

HHFaith, thank you for you encouraging words. You're so kind and thoughful. I'm trying, it's Saturday and I'm looking for something to do, something I want to do. It's so difficult. Plus, it's about one million degrees here, that and the evil gnats, making things oh so pleasant. To quote Sir Elton John, "I'm Still Standing"

Oh yes, another Saturday night. I kept myself busy today until about 1:00 then it hit me. The panic of not having Pat here to spend Saturday with. I tried to do the stuff we would normally do on a Saturday afternoon in June. But alone this time. Walked to the local market to get some stuff. Cooked. Saw his leftover beer in the fridge so I drank one. Ate on the patio. First time I've done that. It did not go well. Cried through every bite.   I've been doing pretty good at keeping busy but when an empty Saturday comes around it's tough. Missing him so much today. 

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1 hour ago, HHFaith said:

Oh yes, another Saturday night. I kept myself busy today until about 1:00 then it hit me. The panic of not having Pat here to spend Saturday with. I tried to do the stuff we would normally do on a Saturday afternoon in June. But alone this time. Walked to the local market to get some stuff. Cooked. Saw his leftover beer in the fridge so I drank one. Ate on the patio. First time I've done that. It did not go well. Cried through every bite.   I've been doing pretty good at keeping busy but when an empty Saturday comes around it's tough. Missing him so much today. 

I'm sorry, I know it's tough. I wish I could help. Maybe I can, I'll tell you what I'm doing, and by comparison, you're evening will have seemed like a paradise compared to my lame attempt at occupying myself. I'm currently sitting in front of my tv, watching some B movie horror movie on Netflix, and as I watch, I'm trying to decide which vinyl decals to put on my stainless steel water bottles. Now, how's that for a hot Saturday night? Not too bad huh? Yep, I'm the man. 

HHFaith, I do hope you feel better, if it helps, laugh at me. I do, all the time. These days of loneliness, being resigned to our loss and the endless sorrow it brings, it's not like anything else. Sadness that permeates everything, every thought, action, inaction, all aspects of our life. Too bad there isn't some universal destination that folks like us can't congregate in, at least occasionally. Where we can meet and throw tantrums and cry and yet come out with great friendships. And then do it all over again a month later. Rotten thing this misery. 

Well, anyway, I'll be thinking of you, friend of the north. Be safe, 

Andy

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37 minutes ago, Andy said:

HHFaith, I do hope you feel better, if it helps, laugh at me. I do, all the time.

Thanks Andy. I did chuckle!  I'm laughing at your wild night but don't worry, I've had just as exciting nights as you but I haven't shared them here. Maybe I will. Then maybe we can all find just a little bit of humor in all this. I'm sure we've all had nights not too different from yours. Look on the bright side - at least you had the "million degrees". It's still so cold here. I was wearing jeans, socks and sneakers, and Pats big warm fleece. I had to go back in the house because I was too cold. I don't think we're ever going to get summer in New England this year!

Take care and let us know what decals you decided on!

 

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Hi Andy, My saturday night/evening.  it’s funny to be 3 to 4 hours behind everybody, It's like reading yesterdays news to day. My evening was spent fixing my in-laws boat. They had a temp gauge not reading right. I found a loose wire on one of the 5 temperature sensors that are in parallel with each other. I learned something new today. That makes me feel good. The challenge, the satisfaction of getting answers and having results. Only if grief could be this way right. I need to find something that is going to challenge me. Anyways I’m not sad to night so I might be in a better place then some for to night.

 

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2 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Thanks Andy. I did chuckle!  I'm laughing at your wild night but don't worry, I've had just as exciting nights as you but I haven't shared them here. Maybe I will. Then maybe we can all find just a little bit of humor in all this. I'm sure we've all had nights not too different from yours. Look on the bright side - at least you had the "million degrees". It's still so cold here. I was wearing jeans, socks and sneakers, and Pats big warm fleece. I had to go back in the house because I was too cold. I don't think we're ever going to get summer in New England this year!

Take care and let us know what decals you decided on!

 

I must admit, I do enjoy the heat much more than cold weather. I appreciate the difference, but give me blue skies, green grass and trees, beach weather and the smell of sunscreen. Simple pleasures. 

On a blue water bottle, I decided on a white squid. Strange, yes, but it looks rather sharp. On my red bottle, I chose a vintage style Pontiac Service decal, as this bottle will stay in my Trans Am. 

Decals are like tattoos for my cars, camera case, bottles, whatever, but unlike a tattoo, I can change them when I get tired of them. Look, I have a very broad and somewhat diverse assortment of interests, so what may seem peculiar to some is just "fun" for me. Well, what used to be fun. Trying to get that back. Maybe one day we can hear about your "exciting nights"!

Rest well and be safe,

Andy

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1 hour ago, Autocharge said:

Hi Andy, My saturday night/evening.  it’s funny to be 3 to 4 hours behind everybody, It's like reading yesterdays news to day. My evening was spent fixing my in-laws boat. They had a temp gauge not reading right. I found a loose wire on one of the 5 temperature sensors that are in parallel with each other. I learned something new today. That makes me feel good. The challenge, the satisfaction of getting answers and having results. Only if grief could be this way right. I need to find something that is going to challenge me. Anyways I’m not sad to night so I might be in a better place then some for to night.

 

Autocharge

 

I too like an occasional mechanical puzzle, but only occasionally. The running gear/wiring harness puzzles can be especially frustrating, not to mention, costly. 

It's nice you weren't sad this evening. Not being sad probably doesn't seem like a big deal to many, but to us, it's like a crumb for a starving man. 

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And it's 8. 30 Sunday evening where I live. I'm way ahead of you guys :)  Compared to me, sounds like both you guys had a productive Sat night!

I watched a couple of episodes of an Australian 'who done it' drama series on Netflix, cosy in bed was my Sat night on a cold, rainy winters night.  I watch but don't take anything in.   I'll do the same again tonight and tomorrow night and ........  It passes the time in the evening.

sending strength and hugs. 

 

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M88, our nights aren't what they used to be, they're really just spaces we try to fill up with something to do. It's my desire that you, me, all of us here, eventually find something worthwhile to make the passage of time more than just the ticking of the clock. 

I've been watching Midsomer Murders on Netflix, it's about the only "crime procedural" I can watch, but being a bit of an Anglophile adds to my enjoyment. 

Peace and strength, 

Andy

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On 6/3/2017 at 1:03 PM, KMB said:

Maybe, just maybe, if you ever transition over before some of us yet here, ( and Heavens No, I'm not wishing anyone here an early demise, but we all know too well that tomorrow is not guaranteed) you can bring us a sign here, that all that we wish for and believe with reuniting with our soulmate is true?

Count on it, KMB, I'll do that, if I get there before you guys! :)

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KayC, if I get to Heaven before you or anyone here, I'll do my best to leave signs for all who have been such tremendous help for me along this journey. I've already told my oldest daughter I would leave a purple feather (her favorite color) or a quarter with the year of her birth. My son is a skeptic, so I told him I would do my best in watching over him, guiding him or putting thoughts into his head with the word *mom* added. My youngest daughter is certified in Reiki and Quantum healing and is able to do out of body experiences (astral travel). So, she'll be able to *visit* me in the afterlife.  A friend and I have each promised the other a pink feather. ( White feathers are so common and everything is possible in Heaven , so why not colors out of the norm). Another friend, who is older and most likely to go before me, promised me a beer can, preferably full, as that is his favorite past time.

I know that to some on here, I sound off the wall. There is way more out in the universe than what we can possibly conceive or understand. We need an open mind and heart.

I was doing some reading earlier and I came across an article that some of you might find interesting when it comes to soulmates and the afterlife.

https://leewoof.org/2017/01/29/will-happily-married-couples-be-together-in -heaven/

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I had pointed out to me earlier this year that we DO remain our gender, and in re-reading the scripture, I don't know how I'd missed that.  But I don't see in this article where it points out scriptural basis for their thinking on marriage.   “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven” (Matthew 22:30). 

It doesn't specifically say what will be done with marriages already made, but in our land we are "until death do us part" and at the social security office they decreed my marriage over due to death, to which I was very upset!  It is not something I worry about, however, because we all know there is a deeper connection than the piece of paper the government issues, and I believe that connection will always be there...not for the marriages that were bad, but for those who had a true connection.  

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KayC, There are other articles in a series, that come before the one I highlighted. For myself, I prefer to blend the Bible along with the universal spiritualism. How society,governments perceive death and marriage is different because the planes of existence are different. Life here is tangible and materialistic, rules and paper govern this life. While we have death of the physical body, our consciousness and spirit does go on to another plane of life. We, who have had a soulmate in this life who transitioned over, will be reunited with them and the union of togetherness does go on due to the deep soul connection. These are all my opinions and what I choose for myself to believe in. I would be truly sunk if not for having something to believe in. What would be the point of our existence, if we were not meant to go on to a better life with what we learned and endured here?

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All I know is, we could do without our government's (social security office lady) "pronouncement", it seemed way insensitive!  I could have had an accident on the way home, I had to stop off at a friend's, I was crying so hard.  Stupid, stupid lady!  Cold and callous.  I believe with all my heart that George and I will be together, and I'll always be his little one, together forever!

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KayC, I totally agree that you and George will be reunited. God would not have placed any of us here with finding our soulmates if He didn't have a grander life planned for us in eternity together. I'm sorry the social security office person treated you so insensitively. You would think they would know better. I have to go to the attorney's office this afternoon for the closure signings of Ed's will. It was all pretty cut and dried, not much to do except getting it filed with the court and me going in last week to sign the property deed transfer and some things were handled by mail. Our attorney is the most popular one in our county and very busy. He is also a friend of the family and had a knowing that I would be able to handle the closure later rather than sooner. Today is still going to be hard, but I wasn't ready a couple months ago.   (HUGS)

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