Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Want to share my experience.


Andy

Recommended Posts

  • Members
5 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, You are a wonderful person with such a huge, giving, generous heart. I was reading your post and the tears are falling. Despite your own pain, you still have the willingness to give to others. I can imagine your wife watching over you with a huge, beautiful smile of pride and love.

Thank you so much, that's a lovely thought, my wife being proud of me. I so desperately wanted/want her approval of her life with me and the "job" I'm doing now. You're so kind and too generous.

Love and hugs,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 980
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Moderators

Andy, you've said it all, I have nothing to add.  I love the caring on this site, that people going through so much take the time to be there for others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy, you've said it all, I have nothing to add.  I love the caring on this site, that people going through so much take the time to be there for others.

Thank you, KayC. You are so right, the people here are wonderful, such beauty out of so much sorrow. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think I've been processing or thinking about something wrong, if not wrong, then slightly "off". Near immediately after my wife passed, I began thinking in terms of my life's meaning, what's my purpose? Will it have meaning again or will I find a compelling purpose to somehow fulfill me? After today's aimless and empty wandering (Jeep, backroads, camera), I've realized that it's not a purpose I seek, it's LIFE. When my wife slipped away, I, in effect, lost the defining element of my life. The "living" part, the part that doesn't worry about "meaning" and "purpose" or any similar esoteric concepts, because I was too busy living my life. I didn't have reason or need to think about those things, I was truly happy and content. My wife wasn't the meaning of life, she was my life, and I hers. The marriage, our child, our rituals and traditions, those were the day to day things that create a foundation upon which I had "meaning", that being a caretaker, a father, a husband that did the best he could, flaws and all. I suppose they are linked, but I'm incapable of reaching for some grand purpose of fulfillment, not when the mere act of living is a complete puzzle to me now. My daughter is at a friends wedding. My best friend is with his wife. My parents are enjoying a quite evening together. Any other "friends" I may have aren't around anymore. It's my life I'm missing. I don't know how to "live". Nothing has reason, no point beyond need. I want to share what I love, I want to share experience and talk endlessly about nothing and everything, I have "life" in me, somewhere, but it's closed off. I don't know how to do this anymore. Endless work weeks followed by attempt after attempt to find "something" to offer a glimmer of hope, hope that I'll once again live, much less ever be happy again. If I can live life as an experience and not a function, then that MIGHT provide a step towards happiness.  I don't know, maybe I'm tired and I'm just grasping. I can't accept that I'm done. I can't be. I can't, I don't want this to be all I have left. I cry, I miss my sweet wife, she's not coming home, I'll never see her again in this mortal world. I hurt everyday, I worry nonstop about my daughter, my parents, I'm anxious, I'm in so much pain, I'm so d@mn tired. I don't want this to be it. I've endured so much, I'm not complaining, please, I'm not, I'm just expressing what my beaten soul looks like. A decade of incredible change and hardship, life changing events capped off by staggering loss, it's taken a toll. Every time I get into my car and drive, I find nothing, I return even more eroded, more thin. I can and will function, I'm still a dad, but I honestly don't know how long I can do this. This emptiness is so hard on me, I'm so alone, I'm so miserable without her, I have to figure this out. 

Anyone willing to push through my miserable "cry", you have my thanks. I seldom hit these "walls" of pure emotional despair, so please excuse my need for expression. Sometimes, I wonder what I'm to do, especially when I feel so isolated. 

I'm on an island in a sea of ships that just pass by, not even knowing that I'm there at all. Even if they did, who would drop anchor? 

God bless all of you, God keep you all safe and may he give you peace, 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Peace to you Andy. Here we all are...just another Saturday night in the Grief Club!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
55 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

Peace to you Andy. Here we all are...just another Saturday night in the Grief Club!

HHfaith, you are so right. The likelihood of a computer being on any Saturday night in our house last year would be about zero.

God's grace and blessings for you Andy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Peace and blessings to all of you also. If my husband were here, I would not be sitting here in front of the computer either. Evenings were *our* time at the end of the day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
soundmankeysman1

Hi Eveyone,

 

I'm here too.  Just got back from doing a gig and cried as soon as I hit my driveway.  At least we're not alone...

 

Mike

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Peace to you Andy. Here we all are...just another Saturday night in the Grief Club!

Thank you, I need peace from myself I think. My quest for feeling alive is tiresome. 

Another Saturday night talking with the only people who understand. None of us chose this routine, but personally, I'm so thankful all of you guys are here. Not the reason you're here, but your willingness to be here. Thank you, all of you.

peace and love,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, AceBasin said:

HHfaith, you are so right. The likelihood of a computer being on any Saturday night in our house last year would be about zero.

God's grace and blessings for you Andy.

I don't even own a computer. I have an older laptop, an iPad and my phone. Oh, and a 2nd gen push button Kindle that I still use. All my posts are done on my phone, haven't had a need for a desk top in years.  This time 4 months ago, I'd been asleep for at least 3 hours. 

Peace my friend,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sundays are particularly difficult for me to get through - if we weren't already away on a weekend break, we'd be out and about locally. A beautiful warm, sunny Autumn day like we have,  would have seen us on a native forest walk seeking out native birds and fungi for me to photograph.  Gerry used to be impatient with me for the time it took to find the ideal subject in an ideal light, but he mellowed over the years and became as enthusiastic as me.  He was so proud of my photography and was a very good spotter of unusual scenes.  

Like you Andy, Gerry and I enjoyed getting off the beaten track. We did a lot of freedom camping when younger but as we aged took to hiring cabins and bach's.  I've only picked up my fishing rod once in the past 15 months - it felt so alien fishing only with my daughter and couldn't do it.  I hold a thread of hope that one day I will again enjoy these simple pleasures.  They are activities I sometimes enjoyed on my own, if the fancy took me, but I did enjoy them much more with my man at my side. 

Losing interst in activities (not necessarily just shared interests)  that we once found enjoyable seems to be an understandably common symptom for grief sticken people.  I wonder, do we, in time, go on to find new activities that don't remind us of our lost partners?  

Later this week I plan to go up to my daughters for a couple of days. She and her partner farm in the high country, an hour away. I find it really painful to be there without Gerry because of the wonderful times we had there. And then there's the driving phobia - a spin off from the manner in which Gerry was killed.  I feel so bad for not going to stay with her and sil more often.  But, my daughter had a rather special foal born yesterday which I am determined to see while she's still newborn.  

Having a grieving parent must be very difficult too for our children no matter their age. 

Hugs to all. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

M88, everything has been thrown off kilter. Balance is gone as is the ability to engage as we once did, your fear of driving, my fear of being alone, all of us suffer in ways we haven't considered yet. 

I hope you do go to your daughters to see the foal, I'm sure it will be a more special visit than maybe you expect. It sounds like you and your husband had a great life together, one I myself would love. Camping, nature, exploring, but all of it just a backdrop for your love for one another. A canvas brought to life by "eyes" seeing through the honesty of true happiness.

Peace and love,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Andy,

It can take quite purposeful effort to find purpose and build a life for yourself that you can live.  It took me years, but it's nothing like having George in my life.  My life is spent in solitude, even though I do get out almost every day, still, I come home to an empty house and if it wasn't for my dog and cat I'd be over the edge.  You will make it and build a life for yourself, be patient with yourself, you're not far into this yet, it takes longer than this just to process their death and all that means to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
59 minutes ago, KayC said:

Andy,

It can take quite purposeful effort to find purpose and build a life for yourself that you can live.  It took me years, but it's nothing like having George in my life.  My life is spent in solitude, even though I do get out almost every day, still, I come home to an empty house and if it wasn't for my dog and cat I'd be over the edge.  You will make it and build a life for yourself, be patient with yourself, you're not far into this yet, it takes longer than this just to process their death and all that means to you.

You're right of course. I "know" that I'm barely into this process, I'm discovering new pitfalls on a regular basis. My heart though, it doesn't "know" anything other than it's been hurt like never before. Just the idea of building a new life makes me sad. I had a life. I had a girl who loved me, appreciated me, missed me, and I had all I ever needed or wanted. It takes years of growth, shared experiences, good and bad, to forge this bond that transcends flesh and blood. This is a spiritual connection, a closeness that I long for, one that I'll miss for the rest of my days. KayC, we both come home to that empty house. A house full of memories, echoes of laughter, words of love spoken, haunted by what was and what will never be. My dogs, cat and a little Ball Python greet me when I come home, maybe not so much the snake. I know things will never be the same now. I know that my life will be less than what it was, devoid of so much lost. What will happen to me as the days, months and years roll by? I feel like if I sit at home, I'm throwing time away, but when I get out, it's an exercise in wishful thinking. Truly, we are strangers in a strange land. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy,  I read your post, you say it all so well. The loneliness and empty house are the hardest to deal with. I got away for a few hours yesterday. Sometimes, I hate coming home. But, where else to go? The pets need me to take care of them. No where to run away too. No way to fix this loss and make it what it once was.Just no way but to deal with it head on the best we can.

KayC, You know that we have similar situations. We have to be liking ourselves and our own company is order to deal with a solitary life. This is a test in true character building.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
On 4/22/2017 at 1:20 AM, Andy said:

Your wife, my wife, gone far too early, but really, everyone lost is gone far too early. 22 years old or 122 years old, it's always too early. I'd live a thousand lifetimes with my Tracie, but 24 years, 5 months, 20 days, 2 hours and 42 minutes was what I had.

Andy,  just letting you know I have been thinking about the entire comment you left, especially the part quoted above.  Didn't want you to think I was overlooking this comment.  Jury is still out in my mind.   The way I am getting my mind around this is what if she had died at age 55 and I was still alive? Would I still want to die?  Probably. At what age would her death have been "acceptable" to go on living?  hmmmmm.   I see the logic of your statement but I am struggling with my subsequent lack of purpose and any purpose proposed by others seems more like punishment than a way of life.   I am about to watch babadook.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, bradley1985 said:

Andy,  just letting you know I have been thinking about the entire comment you left, especially the part quoted above.  Didn't want you to think I was overlooking this comment.  Jury is still out in my mind.   The way I am getting my mind around this is what if she had died at age 55 and I was still alive? Would I still want to die?  Probably. At what age would her death have been "acceptable" to go on living?  hmmmmm.   I see the logic of your statement but I am struggling with my subsequent lack of purpose and any purpose proposed by others seems more like punishment than a way of life.   I am about to watch babadook.  

I understand, no amount of time would be enough. Not for moving on, not reaching some magic period of time that makes it ok when they pass. I'm struggling myself, a lot lately, about what I'm to do. Not anything so grand as a purpose, but figuring out to engage beyond simply "functioning". 

It's all a struggle. Daily what we face, new revelations of our loss. 

I hope the movie proves to be as interesting to you as It was for me. 

Find some peace my friend, 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

An issue I have that I would like to share, to see if anyone else goes through this, and what, if anything they've done to help. 

Along with my struggles with "living", I find myself dealing with incredible indecision, almost paralyzingly at times. For example, I had my mind set earlier last weekend that I was going to a state park that I had enjoyed in the past. Once I got in my car, my "mind" started reeling, I was at a loss as to what to do. I didn't go, I ended up just driving with no goal in mind. It's as if I convince myself that "it's too far", "it'll be too   crowded", "it won't make me happy", and of course, "what's the point?" I know this may be connected to my problem with trying to just "live", I'm sure it is, but this is getting old. Today, I'm at work, I'm thinking I need to go "here", I should run by and pick this up, I need to stop in and see a good friend at his small business. I get home and I lock up. I'm in the garage, leaning against my Jeep, I think it's too late, I should just go inside and relax, so, I do nothing. I used to not be this way, and I can't figure out why specifically this is an issue. I understand finding no joy, or being uncomfortable around people or things like that, but this indecision is starting to effect my daily routine and my weekend. I waste more time just thinking about going or not going than anything else. 

Just wondering if anyone has any insight into this "disfunction". 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Andy said:

I find myself dealing with incredible indecision, almost paralyzingly at times

All of the experts I talked with have said that the loss of a spouse is the most stressful event you can experience.  My doctor cautioned me against engaging in any potentially risky recreational or volunteer activities for a year (and by risky he meant things like hiking a difficult trail or helping build a habitat house etc...) and not to make any important decisions that I could delay.

The reason is that stress and anxiety has taken over a portion of our brains we used to use for other things that makes executive functions, decision making, attention, and concentration more difficult.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
soundmankeysman1
1 hour ago, Andy said:

An issue I have that I would like to share, to see if anyone else goes through this, and what, if anything they've done to help. 

Along with my struggles with "living", I find myself dealing with incredible indecision, almost paralyzingly at times....

 

Hi Andy,

I am experiencing the same thing and have read about it in different books.  CS Lewis, the author, calls it the "Laziness of grief" in his book, A Grief Observed.

"And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief.  Except at my job - where the machine seems to run on much as usual - I loathe the slightest effort.  Not only writing but even reading a letter is too much.  Even shaving.  What does it matter now whether my cheek is rough or smooth?....

The only way I have found to deal with it is to acknowledge the feeling and hope/know that it will someday pass.

You're not alone on this one, I think it's a part of everyone's path.

Take care,

Mike 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AceBasin and soundmankeysman, thank you both for the feedback. "The laziness of grief", that is brilliant. That actually would go along way in explaining many things. It's a "symptom", it's not the cause, but the concept behind that makes so much sense. 

And how true, our energy being used up in grieving forces some "non-essential" faculties to shut down or at least operate at a reduced level. 

I think both of these states dovetail into my problem, at least in part. I have to keep pushing through until it's not a "push" anymore, when it becomes just "life". If I can align my emotions with my efforts, then maybe I can take a step forward.

thank you both, great insight, 

Andy 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy, I wanted to let you know that the *thinking and doing*, does get easier over time. I literally spent the winter months being exhausted with the very basics of functioning. I would make an attempt at something else and find myself backing away and thinking, what is the point? The absence of our loved one causes us to think that way. *The laziness of grief* as AceBasin so rightly terms it. Our perceiving evolves along with the grieving. I'm still here. I still have to finish out this life. Am I going to finish out my life sitting on my butt being in misery or am I going to try and make an effort in living? I've gotten to the fork in the road with this process and have decided to continue on in the way I know my husband would approve of. When I am reunited with my husband, I want to see his smile of love, pride and approval that I was able to do this life. I have the belief he is walking by my side spiritually. Faith--allegiance to a duty or person---loyalty---complete trust. My husband had faith in me when he was here and I know that has not changed.

We can all do this, Andy. Our spouses have faith in us and we will not let them down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Andy,

Even just the stress I've been under over what my daughter has been going through has caused my blood sugar to elevate and has me having a hard time responding to things I normally would, like making a dental appt. or following up on ordering firewood for next winter, ordinary stuff like that.  It's like I feel paralyzed.  It wasn't making any sense to me, why I'm struggling, until I read your post and then I realized, it's the stress.  Everything feels uphill right now.  it's what KMG mentions 

17 minutes ago, KMB said:

I literally spent the winter months being exhausted with the very basics of functioning. I would make an attempt at something else and find myself backing away

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
13 hours ago, soundmankeysman1 said:

CS Lewis, the author, calls it the "Laziness of grief" in his book, A Grief Observed.

Andy, soundmankeysman1 made an excellent reference to A Grief Observed,  by C. S. Lewis.  He is none of the best popular Christian writers in the past 100 years. He is not preachy or sappy.

Lewis lost his wife, and what he expresses so well in this very short work is what we are all feeling.

It is probably my favorite of any of the grief books published.

You can download the book. I bought The Complete C. S. Lewis Signature Collection years ago but had not read those few chapters until shortly after my wife's death. Each time I read it, it makes more sense.

If you just buy and read one book over the next few weeks, this would be my recommendation to you. It will help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 hours ago, AceBasin said:

Andy, soundmankeysman1 made an excellent reference to A Grief Observed,  by C. S. Lewis.  He is none of the best popular Christian writers in the past 100 years. He is not preachy or sappy.

 

Lewis lost his wife, and what he expresses so well in this very short work is what we are all feeling.

 

It is probably my favorite of any of the grief books published.

You can download the book. I bought The Complete C. S. Lewis Signature Collection years ago but had not read those few chapters until shortly after my wife's death. Each time I read it, it makes more sense.

If you just buy and read one book over the next few weeks, this would be my recommendation to you. It will help.

Thank you, I will look for it, I have admiration for C.S. Lewis, so I'm looking forward to reading his insight with the soul of a writer. Thank you for the recommendation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
10 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, I wanted to let you know that the *thinking and doing*, does get easier over time. I literally spent the winter months being exhausted with the very basics of functioning. I would make an attempt at something else and find myself backing away and thinking, what is the point? The absence of our loved one causes us to think that way. *The laziness of grief* as AceBasin so rightly terms it. Our perceiving evolves along with the grieving. I'm still here. I still have to finish out this life. Am I going to finish out my life sitting on my butt being in misery or am I going to try and make an effort in living? I've gotten to the fork in the road with this process and have decided to continue on in the way I know my husband would approve of. When I am reunited with my husband, I want to see his smile of love, pride and approval that I was able to do this life. I have the belief he is walking by my side spiritually. Faith--allegiance to a duty or person---loyalty---complete trust. My husband had faith in me when he was here and I know that has not changed.

We can all do this, Andy. Our spouses have faith in us and we will not let them down.

As always KMB, you offer such encouraging optimism, something I need. Maybe more now than ever. The "laziness" component mimics depression so well. Nothing's worth doing, nobody will care, I find no joy in anything, and the list goes on. But, today was a little better, and I'm going to do my best to allow tomorrow to be even a little bit better. 

Hugs, 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
10 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy,

Even just the stress I've been under over what my daughter has been going through has caused my blood sugar to elevate and has me having a hard time responding to things I normally would, like making a dental appt. or following up on ordering firewood for next winter, ordinary stuff like that.  It's like I feel paralyzed.  It wasn't making any sense to me, why I'm struggling, until I read your post and then I realized, it's the stress.  Everything feels uphill right now.  it's what KMG mentions 

 

Absolutely, stress has effected every part of my life, and it's hard to shake. Anxiety takes such a toll on us, emotional and physical. Like you say, it's a constant drain on our energy and keeps us from doing even simple things. It makes so much sense. As you know, I've been under a lot lately, and I have no reason to believe it's going to get better anytime soon. I guess I'll just try to mitigate its effect, try to schedule things and stick to it. 

Thank you KayC, I hope you find a little peace and I hope your stress eases off. 

Hugs,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I was doing better, giving it to God, sleeping even, then my son-in-law called tonight.  It was very upsetting.  No sleep tonight!  I do know what you mean 

7 hours ago, Andy said:

I have no reason to believe it's going to get better anytime soon.

I hope it DOES get better for you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
8 minutes ago, KayC said:

I was doing better, giving it to God, sleeping even, then my son-in-law called tonight.  It was very upsetting.  No sleep tonight!  I do know what you mean 

I hope it DOES get better for you!

No sleep here either tonight.  Migraine!  This happens when I'm run down. I am run down in every way, especially emotionally.  I know I need to do better taking care of myself but sometimes the stress wins and the migraine comes. I hope I can at least get a few hours of sleep and get up in the morning for my grief group. Im finding it is helpful to be with others that really  "get it". Good night, or I guess I should say good morning!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 1/27/2017 at 4:32 PM, Emeliza said:

This is something huge I miss.  Someone that picked me and loved me, even in bad times.  Someone who comforted me and held me when life was tough.  

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know everyone says that, but those are more than lip service.

Emeliza,

I completely feel this.  My love was the one I wanted to hug me and hold me and comfort me when I lost him.  I had many supporters but at the end of the day I go home and no more cuddling up watching TV or falling asleep together.  We didn't even live together but we had our routines, those routines are gone and those days I used to spend with him are empty and I am lost.  I have many good friends and they try to fill those days but it just isn't the same.  Its excruciating some days. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

HHFaith,

I'm sorry you too were having a sleepless night, and the migraines, it's hard to even think when you have so much pain.  I hope you make your grief group and find some comfort there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
14 hours ago, Andy said:

As you know, I've been under a lot lately, and I have no reason to believe it's going to get better anytime soon. I guess I'll just try to mitigate its effect, try to schedule things and stick to it. 

I am doing more and more every day.  But not because I feel better, but because I have to engage the world on some level.  Doing more and more sort of feels like I am just going to the torture chamber five times a day instead of two. I have no reason to believe anything is going to get better. My body aches and Im sick constantly.   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
6 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

I am doing more and more every day.  But not because I feel better, but because I have to engage the world on some level.  Doing more and more sort of feels like I am just going to the torture chamber five times a day instead of two. I have no reason to believe anything is going to get better. My body aches and Im sick constantly.   

Oh the aches. Yes, tension from my anxiety and frayed nerves have done a number on me. Not sick, just muscle pain, being tense, like a coiled spring at all times. I'm trying to make sure I'm busy, at least what little time I have on weekdays, but really for weekends. Finding something to do and it actually feels "good", I'm still waiting for that. I know that four months isn't any time at all, so I'm reminding myself I have a long, long ways to go. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 hours ago, KayC said:

I was doing better, giving it to God, sleeping even, then my son-in-law called tonight.  It was very upsetting.  No sleep tonight!  I do know what you mean 

I hope it DOES get better for you!

You know KayC, I think it will. I can't tell you why I feel this way (You know a little "why"), but maybe it's just my inborn optimism or maybe my wife is "telling" me things will be ok, as she did when she was here. I don't know, today was particularly gloomy, but I still believe. 

Andy 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 hours ago, HHFaith said:

No sleep here either tonight.  Migraine!  This happens when I'm run down. I am run down in every way, especially emotionally.  I know I need to do better taking care of myself but sometimes the stress wins and the migraine comes. I hope I can at least get a few hours of sleep and get up in the morning for my grief group. Im finding it is helpful to be with others that really  "get it". Good night, or I guess I should say good morning!

Being emotionally drained, physically tense, psychologically wiped out opens the door for stress and then it's all down hill from there. I'm like you, I need to do things to help myself better mitigate the effects of this state we're in. I hope you made your group and it was a nice/beneficial time. 

Andy

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Unfortunately I didn't make the group. Only 1 hour of sleep. The migraine was getting better but it's back. Feeling this physically bad really magnifies all the grief feelings. The headaches will pass. I only wish the pain of the grief would go away with it. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
42 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

Unfortunately I didn't make the group. Only 1 hour of sleep. The migraine was getting better but it's back. Feeling this physically bad really magnifies all the grief feelings. The headaches will pass. I only wish the pain of the grief would go away with it. 

I'm so sorry, I hope you get some much needed rest. I'd give anything to take away everyone's pain. Just knowing other people feel what I do is depressing. HHFaith, hang in there, feel better. Love and hugs,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
28 minutes ago, Andy said:

I'm so sorry, I hope you get some much needed rest. I'd give anything to take away everyone's pain. Just knowing other people feel what I do is depressing. HHFaith, hang in there, feel better. Love and hugs,

Andy

Thanks so much Andy, and the same to you. Hoping for a better day for us all tomorrow. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy- re the concentration and attention. I was driving home from the gas station which is a half mile from my house. I drove right past my street and had gone two more miles before I realized I had missed my turn. It was light traffic and a 25mph speed limit. Now I understand my doctor's advice even better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

HHFaith, I'm so sorry you missed the group!  I hope your migraine goes away and you can get some sleep.  Have you seen the doctor?

I want to share someone's post from my other site because I like what their grief counselor told them.

 

12 hours ago, Maynard said:

I saw my therapist today.  He said something that had never crossed my mind and I'm pondering it.  

So...I was telling him how I just don't want to do anything.  There are soooo many things I need to take care of, in soooo many areas - it's overwhelming; but I have to force myself to work at anything and prefer to forget about it most of the time. And when I do try to do something, I'm afraid, confused and can't figure out how.  I was telling him that when I had Cody - for 34 years, I would figure stuff out, do what I needed to do and find ways to solve problems because seeing him be happy or seeing how proud he was of me was a prize I could win and never tired of earning.  Loving him motivated me to find whatever I needed within myself to MAKE things work - to find a way and make it happen.  

I was telling him that, well - I know I still have the same abilities - I just can't seem to find them anymore.  Now --  my own happiness is not enough to motivate me.  He said this:  "What if we look at it as SURVIVAL and HEALING for ourselves instead of 'making ourselves happy'.  We would still find happiness, but as an end result and not the motivator."

Just thinking about that makes me feel a small spark of the 'inner power' that I used to feel.  Like - I have what it takes to do this, and my survival and healing depend on it. Interesting attitude adjustment that might just create the motivation I need to move on some very important tasks that need taking care of.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks KayC. Feeling much better today. Migraine is gone!  That posting is great. My biggest fear is that I will never be happy again or feel joy again. I too know I have the capacity for being happy. But how and when??  I'm going to think about it that way in the posting.....happiness being the end result of my survival and healing. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KayC, Thank you for the posting. It is helpful to be given a different way of looking at things, Survival is a key word. A good word for motivation. I'm not looking for happiness, that might or might not, show up down the road. I do use the word*survive* in my postings because it is what we are doing basically. Existing is another term, which I take to mean as just breathing, which we know some days that is all we are capable of.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 4/27/2017 at 8:45 PM, AceBasin said:

Andy- re the concentration and attention. I was driving home from the gas station which is a half mile from my house. I drove right past my street and had gone two more miles before I realized I had missed my turn. It was light traffic and a 25mph speed limit. Now I understand my doctor's advice even better.

I do this a lot, but usually at home or when I'm trying to decide what to do. Part of that indecision I suffer from, or at least it's a component. It's a mental fog, brought on by emotional stress and anxiety, at least in my case, which all take away from good sleep.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
5 hours ago, KMB said:

KayC, Thank you for the posting. It is helpful to be given a different way of looking at things, Survival is a key word. A good word for motivation. I'm not looking for happiness, that might or might not, show up down the road. I do use the word*survive* in my postings because it is what we are doing basically. Existing is another term, which I take to mean as just breathing, which we know some days that is all we are capable of.

Kind of like the "fake it till you make it" mantra I'm living by right now. Participating in life, even on a functionary level, forces me to establish some sort of routine, and I'm hoping that leads to expectation and anticipation. Things that tie in to joy and happiness, at least that's my theory.   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I agree, Andy. I wonder occasionally, when I'm not bogged down in total misery, where we will be at on our journeys, say, 1 year from now? I don't want to think that far ahead but I have fleeting thoughts that we cannot possibly keep *faking it till we make it* for the rest of our lives, or can we?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think if we keep "faking it till we make it", we will eventually make it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
8 hours ago, KMB said:

I agree, Andy. I wonder occasionally, when I'm not bogged down in total misery, where we will be at on our journeys, say, 1 year from now? I don't want to think that far ahead but I have fleeting thoughts that we cannot possibly keep *faking it till we make it* for the rest of our lives, or can we?

I can't. I won't. Surviving, faking it, merely existing? That's a life without purpose. At this point, I have to believe that things will turn in a better direction. I suppose if I search for happiness, I embrace the hope that I will find the light again, then I'll have a better chance of "living" than if I accept nothing will be better. A quest of sorts I guess. I have nothing better to do, so I might as well point the ship and try to fetch the horizon. I'm miserable without my wife, I'm lonely, scared, and I want to lay down at times and quit trying. However, whether I'm happy or sad, my wife will be "with" me, so I really should try to find joy. She spent so much energy trying to make us happy, so maybe I'll consider that as I seek a better way. I don't want her to see her efforts as being in vain, blaming her passing, her self, for her family's grief. I don't even know if that kind of thinking exists on the "other" side, but why risk it? I have a long ways to go, and I may never get there, but I have to try.

Things will never be the same. Never. Do I think things can be great again? "Great" might be too strong a word, perhaps content is realistic. Accepting that this is my life now. Accepting that I will spend my days missing her, yet celebrating her, grieving and knowing, truly knowing that she's okay and therefore I'm okay. Not whole, never again the person I was, but still able to contribute to the family I still have. The ebb and flow of life guarantees us misery and sorrow, but also elation and joy. We have to stand at the top of those waves to see the possibilities just as we fall at the bottom to lay in our sadness.  I'll look for it, and if I see it, I'll set sail for that elusive island. I'm growing tired of this one. We'll see.

hope, love and comfort to you and to all,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
6 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

I think if we keep "faking it till we make it", we will eventually make it!

Yes, there you are, that's the way. We mustn't give up looking. Some days, we just can't, and that's okay, but not everyday. Balance. Striving for balance may be enough. 

Hugs,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

HHFaith, Andy, It would be nice if we had the directions written out for us so we could follow them without the  floundering, the constant stress, heartache, of wanting our beloveds here to help and guide us. We each have our own path to travel and I believe that deep down in us we have the directions and the answers.We take it slow and easy and listen to our *inner voice*. We do have God on our side along with His Angels and our beloveds. They all want to see us succeed in our journey.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.