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Andy

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Andy,

I sometimes get the notion to just get on a train or bus and go somewhere in America...somewhere else.  Some little town in Hicksville.  Of course I can't, I'm still paying on my place and can't afford anything above/beyond that.  I have a dog and cat to care for.  I have family that would worry once they noticed I was gone.  I have responsibilities.  But I still dream it.  I know running away isn't really a solution but it sure can sound appealing!

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I'd like to further expand on my "being alone", I want to try and explain what I mean, I believe I'm not at all by myself in feeling this way.

I have never enjoyed being alone. I'm perfectly happy with being with one person, no need for a group or crowds. Like many of you, I felt as if my wife and I could take on the world. No challenge was to great, obstacles mere bumps in the road, I could do anything with her by my side. My idea of heaven (on earth, that is) is/was just us two, sitting on a beach or traveling to parts unknown, just being in love and having everything we would ever need, each other. That's gone. Life loses so much color when you lose someone to share it with. Life becomes nothing but a series biological functions, an existence to fulfill obligations, only living because the alternative is unthinkable. At least that's what I've learned. Other people will see things differently I suppose. I don't feel excitement, I don't feel happiness, I don't feel wanted or needed, the passing of my dear wife has marginalized my self worth. This isn't a pity party of feeling sorry for myself, it's how I really feel at this time. It's foreign to me, alien, and I hate it. I pray it passes. I can't live like this. I miss having someone that actually gives a flip if I come home, someone who worries about me, someone who thinks I'm special or needed, being loved. I don't like my life right now, I don't like where fate/destiny/randomness, whatever, has placed me. I just want my wife, I can't have her, so...? What exactly am I to do? It's rhetorical, I know there isn't an answer, but I don't like being alone. This world is too much for me to face alone. I don't want to die and no one will miss me. Sounds self absorbed perhaps, maybe it is, I AM expressing my fears, my insecurities. 

All that rambling could've been summed up simply, "being alone is hard and I don't like it, knowing that there isn't anyone who will ever care about you like my wife did is crippling" 

Andy

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2 minutes ago, KayC said:

Andy,

I sometimes get the notion to just get on a train or bus and go somewhere in America...somewhere else.  Some little town in Hicksville.  Of course I can't, I'm still paying on my place and can't afford anything above/beyond that.  I have a dog and cat to care for.  I have family that would worry once they noticed I was gone.  I have responsibilities.  But I still dream it.  I know running away isn't really a solution but it sure can sound appealing!

You know, the idea of "escaping" becomes sort of a safety net. I think that, you know, if things get real bad, I can just go away. Very appealing indeed.

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I've thought about the need for escaping also. But, where to? No matter the where, I would be bringing my emotions and sadness with me. I want to escape my pain, my broken heart. But I cannot. It lives within me .I want to be with the one person who made this life bearable, who gave me meaning and purpose. The one who above all else loved and accepted me. The one I shared all of me with and who did the same.

Andy, You are being honest with your feelings. Ironic how our losses causes us to be truly humble and vulnerable.

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2 hours ago, Andy said:

I'd like to further expand on my "being alone", I want to try and explain what I mean, I believe I'm not at all by myself in feeling this way.

I have never enjoyed being alone. I'm perfectly happy with being with one person, no need for a group or crowds. Like many of you, I felt as if my wife and I could take on the world. No challenge was to great, obstacles mere bumps in the road, I could do anything with her by my side. My idea of heaven (on earth, that is) is/was just us two, sitting on a beach or traveling to parts unknown, just being in love and having everything we would ever need, each other. That's gone. Life loses so much color when you lose someone to share it with. Life becomes nothing but a series biological functions, an existence to fulfill obligations, only living because the alternative is unthinkable. At least that's what I've learned. Other people will see things differently I suppose. I don't feel excitement, I don't feel happiness, I don't feel wanted or needed, the passing of my dear wife has marginalized my self worth. This isn't a pity party of feeling sorry for myself, it's how I really feel at this time. It's foreign to me, alien, and I hate it. I pray it passes. I can't live like this. I miss having someone that actually gives a flip if I come home, someone who worries about me, someone who thinks I'm special or needed, being loved. I don't like my life right now, I don't like where fate/destiny/randomness, whatever, has placed me. I just want my wife, I can't have her, so...? What exactly am I to do? It's rhetorical, I know there isn't an answer, but I don't like being alone. This world is too much for me to face alone. I don't want to die and no one will miss me. Sounds self absorbed perhaps, maybe it is, I AM expressing my fears, my insecurities. 

All that rambling could've been summed up simply, "being alone is hard and I don't like it, knowing that there isn't anyone who will ever care about you like my wife did is crippling" 

Andy

I completely understand those feelings. I'm sure many or most of us do. I am purposely spending today alone. Just trying to be with myself, do little things around the house, sit and read a little out in the sun. Not easy though!  If anyone was watching me they'd think I'm on speed or something - very hard to sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time!  I feel like I have ADD but I'm trying. I'm also trying hard to not look too far into the future. I hate that Pat isn't here and will never be here to share anything with but I have to keep the hope that someday, somehow I will be "happy" again. I lived most of my life just existing, not living, until Pat came into my life. I refuse to go back to that. This is certainly a struggle but I have to believe that "happiness" will come. 

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3 hours ago, Andy said:

AceBasin, thank you for the concern. These last 4 days or so have been trying. Other, non related issues (in regards to my wife's passing) have come along and has complicated things even further. Something else to drive home the point that the need for my wife is greater than ever. 

Like everything else, I'll figure this out. I'll try anyway. There was a period of time, about 3 or 4 years back, we were going through a difficult time, illness, the impending loss of my 17 year spanning job, and some personal issues all came together at once. During this time, I used to "dream" about getting in my kayak and drifting out to sea. Mind you, this was brief and just an exercise in escapism, I would never leave my family for any reason. I was just overwhelmed. Well, I'm having those "dreams" again. Sometimes, I wonder what would really happen if I drove off or drifted away? I have no control over the world around me, little control over my world, my parents are near 80, and other than my daughter, I have no one. I'm just feeling low, lower than usual, I'll get right again. I would NEVER self harm, I want that clear, I'm just going through a very difficult time, and my best friend, the underpinning of my world, isn't here to help me see it through. 

Thank you AceBasin, thank you for caring, it means so much

Andy

I am sorry that so much is coinciding. One wave at a time is plenty. There is just no way that multiple casual friends can ever make up for the loss of your partner and best friend. Loneliness can compound the feeling of loss of control and vice versa.

It does look like a beautiful day for kayaking today, but spring brings some obstacles. I walked down to the river this morning and heard a big splash about 100 feet away. It looked like somehow dropped a washing machine out of a plane. It was a big gator. I was just glad a dog was not with me.

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It's funny you mention alligators. We've seen an increase in numbers locally for the last few years. Last week, while driving home from work, I spotted a juvenile (4ft ?) alligator basking not 2ft from the highway. Semi's blowing by at 60 mph and this thing didn't have a care in the world. The last few I've encountered both in and out of my kayak have completely unafraid of humans. 

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43 minutes ago, Andy said:

It's funny you mention alligators. We've seen an increase in numbers locally for the last few years. Last week, while driving home from work, I spotted a juvenile (4ft ?) alligator basking not 2ft from the highway. Semi's blowing by at 60 mph and this thing didn't have a care in the world. The last few I've encountered both in and out of my kayak have completely unafraid of humans. 

It is scary when alligators loose their fear of humans Attacks on humans are rare, but do happen. A year ago a local woman took a short walk around the nursing home where she was staying and got too close to a water retention pond and was consumed by an alligator. My friends in the state wildlife department tell me their biggest concerns are the alligators in the 7 to 9 feet range and they are really fast running for short distances and are strong and nimble. 

The water moccasins are also out in full force now. I saw three when I was walking to the river yesterday.  Spring is beautiful, but I like winter better because the reptiles are slow or sleepy. 

When I go walking in the woods or fishing now, I wear the local uniform, snake boots, an orange hat, lots of deet and a pistol with cartridges for aggressive snakes and to at least scare larger critters that may threaten. 

This is a link to kayaking in the Ace Basin http://discoversouthcarolina.com/articles/go-boating-in-the-ace-basin which you may find interesting. 

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AceBasin, that looks like a great waterway, I like the more leisurely pace, it allows for better photography opportunities. When younger, my wife and I would guide canoe trips from our local Air Force base, but she would not get into a kayak. My kayaking was solo and for relatively brief periods of time. Being sick, I didn't leave her side for longer than 2-3 hours, and that was 3 years back. Last time I've been in the water was summer 2015. I need to dust it off and get back out. 

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These rivers are particularly nice if you time the tides correctly. If  you put in at the outgoing tide you can easily travel toward the ocean, stop, have lunch and rest, and then wait until the tide is coming back in and have an easy trip back to the landing and your car. That was the method used to take crops to the harbor and supplies back in for years until motors. 

It has been a hard adjustment from constant caregiving (which actually I wish I were still doing) to too much time to do all these things. 

I have called turkeys for a few hours (did not take a shotgun) and when it cools off a little may go fishing for crappie. 

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AceBasin, what you said about still wishing you were "caregiving", I feel exactly like that. I had to explain to my daughter what I meant by saying that. I don't miss my wife being sick, I don't miss her taking meds or going to various dr appointments, I miss the feeling of actively caring for my wife. The "act" of filling her pill box, picking up prescriptions, taking her two hours away to one of her dr's, calming her or reassuring her when was frightened or confused. I loved being the one to care for her, it was an honor, and admittedly, gave me a higher purpose, or so I believed. Of course, if I were still taking care of her, I wouldn't be having these conversations. All this time I have now, I can spend my weekends literally anyway I wish. Go on a weekend road trip, camping, car shows, visit a place new or familiar, but I can't. I can't find the will. I started this journey trying to constantly engage in things until hopefully it became "enjoyable" again. 

I bought a drone (GoPro) to get me motivated to get into something different. It's slowly working, but again, that missing component of not having anyone to share it with is almost critical in my efforts. I know that's something I'll have to get used to, but I'm finding it so difficult. 

Your waterways sound pretty incredible. Who knows, I may find myself in your back yard one day. I  am starting to feel "something" every time I see a truck/Jeep/car with one or two kayaks strapped to the top. 

Andy

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2 hours ago, Andy said:

AceBasin, what you said about still wishing you were "caregiving", I feel exactly like that. I had to explain to my daughter what I meant by saying that. I don't miss my wife being sick, I don't miss her taking meds or going to various dr appointments, I miss the feeling of actively caring for my wife. The "act" of filling her pill box, picking up prescriptions, taking her two hours away to one of her dr's, calming her or reassuring her when was frightened or confused. I loved being the one to care for her, it was an honor, and admittedly, gave me a higher purpose, or so I believed. Of course, if I were still taking care of her, I wouldn't be having these conversations. All this time I have now, I can spend my weekends literally anyway I wish. Go on a weekend road trip, camping, car shows, visit a place new or familiar, but I can't. I can't find the will. I started this journey trying to constantly engage in things until hopefully it became "enjoyable" again. 

I bought a drone (GoPro) to get me motivated to get into something different. It's slowly working, but again, that missing component of not having anyone to share it with is almost critical in my efforts. I know that's something I'll have to get used to, but I'm finding it so difficult. 

Your waterways sound pretty incredible. Who knows, I may find myself in your back yard one day. I  am starting to feel "something" every time I see a truck/Jeep/car with one or two kayaks strapped to the top. 

Andy

Andy, your description of caregiver is almost identical to mine (I will post a few more details on the determined thread). Not only did caregiving give you a higher purpose, at least for us, it deepened our love, commitment and care for each other.  Her death was like a triple loss at our time of deepest love and care for each other.

As you, I have gone from scarcely taking the time to sleep, to having more unstructured time and no one to share it with that I have ever had in my life.

Please feel free to launch from my ramp anytime you want to. I have plenty of sandwiches and cold beverages. I am about 10 miles from the salt water dividing line (I am am in tidal fresh water) and less than 30 miles from the Atlantic. 

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Sounds like a nice place, and I'll keep the offer in mind. I get things together one day, who knows? 

As sometimes exhausting as it was caring for our loves, as painful as it was to see them suffer, it was a task that we undertook with devotion and willingness. I'd gladly start over and do it all again. 

 

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23 hours ago, KMB said:

 

I've thought about the need for escaping also. But, where to? No matter the where, I would be bringing my emotions and sadness with me. I want to escape my pain, my broken heart. But I cannot. It lives within me .

 

Oh I get it...

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16 hours ago, Andy said:

I miss the feeling of actively caring for my wife.

That's just it.

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To all

its difficult having any motvation to do anything,  i am totally broken, its exhausting, i have spent most part of easter on my own, my kids keep calling to see me but then they're off doing their own thing, dont get me wrong i want to be on my own sometimes because when i break down i'd rather be on my own, i can shout, i can scream, i dont have anyone judging me, the truth is, i dont know whether i want to be on my own, or i want to be with people, i dont know who i am or what i'm here for, i just dont think i know much, all i know is like you all i am totally lost and heartbroken about my loss. I cannot wait for work tommorrow (how sad is that), i enjoy the work but dont like the chit chat, i have to put on a facade to my customers so i dont frighten them away with my total overwhelming sadness, and then come wknd i am exhausted by the pretence, but thats my life now, a seemingly endless cycle of keeping afloat, sorry for the negative thoughts, just feeling sorry for myself and all of you also of course, take care all of you and may the sun shine on us all one day x

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Meesh, This is such a hard, confusing, painful journey. It is hard finding motivation to do anything outside of work or the basics of functioning. Our grieving IS exhausting. Emotionally, mentally exhausting which has their effects on our bodies. You get to the point where you are tired of being tired.  We are virtually having to start over with finding out who we are since our loss has changed us. We have to start over with a different life. It is so unwanted and unfair. I so get that being alone versus being with others. All our emotions are flip-flopping around. Having to wear that fake face in public is exhausting. All we want is to be alone to be our real selves, a crying, lonely basket case. It does get easier though. I've been finding myself with these little epiphanies in the morning. I tell myself i can do this. I can and will get through another day. I can be that person that my husband admired, respected and loved. I can do this for him. If he were in my shoes, I would want him to keep trying to continue on and make a life of some sort that he could find some happiness and meaning in.  (HUGS)--- You can do this! We can all do this together.

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Meesh, I feel much the same as you. Except I never look forward to work, before, and especially since, my wife slipped away. Going through the motions, looking for that new normal, exhausting ourselves with crying and the constant anxiety. The only thing I "look forward" to is the weekend, and once it gets here, I'm at a total loss as to what to do. 

You might be broken, you might be torn in half, but the pieces will come back. Oh sure, some key parts will be gone forever, but life, joy, has a way of creeping back into our lives. I'm still waiting for more of the better moments, still not to many nowadays. Hope, hope, hope. Never, ever give that up. 

Meesh, I had to go into our medicine cabinet today, something I avoid if I can. All my wife's prescriptions and her daily pill box is still in there. I picked them up to move them (I can't throw them out) and was hit with a flood of emotion. I sobbed as I picked up the bottles, read her name as the as recalled all the times I filled the prescription box, picked her meds up at the pharmacy, asking her each day if she took her medicine. I just wept from the misery of it all, my dear Tracie taking all of this medicine all through the years, then dying. Never got a chance to get better. It was so hard seeing all that. I'm ok now, it did its damage and moved on. I think you to will come through this gloom, at a not to distant future. You can do this, on you feet, your knees, lying down, it doesn't matter, you will come through. 

Love and Hugs,

Andy

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ilovemywifeforever

I can help you with this...the nights are when I cry....27 perfect years of life with my wife in the body on earth...I wear a rosary every waking hour except in the shower...It helps me to keep my mind on  God angels jesus and my beloved..i have jesus at my side and my beloved in His arms immediately at my side...I allow no other thought from any person to interfere with that reality,Nonetheless my sorrow and sadness and loneliness are such that many times on a given day I just want to die. I asked God to take me with her,but he has chosen to leave me here for his purposes.I wish I could just magically die and be with my beloved. I would trade my life in one second were that possible in Gods scheme of things.So I still serve on earth in a body here for Gods purposes.Brother I share your pain.So brother we suffer together and God loves us and our beloveds absolutely in perfect love.If I didn't have heave and my trust in jesus,i would check out right away.I love jesus,i love God ,I love the angels and I love my beloved wife forever....God is a powerful God a magnificent God and a good God but ....wow...the sorrow is just overwhelming sometimes...help us Lord Jesus always.amen.

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ilovemywifeforever,

Keep the faith my friend, it's all we can do. Faith in God above, faith that we're here for a reason, some purpose, and faith that our beloveds want us to do more than just get by. 

I still cry nearly everyday, sometimes a few tears, sometimes a flood. Yes, the nights are just brutal. Being alone with our memories, the hopes and dreams that no longer exist, wishing more than anything it's all a horrible dream and she'll come walking through the door. I used to imagine things like our next anniversary, our summer vacation plans, what we'll plant in the yard this spring, but now, it's hard to even think. My mind wants to go back to the evening she passed, playing in my mind like a movie, over and over again, punishing me with the horror of it all. My mind doesn't conjure up our first kiss, the moment our baby was born, the many wonderful memories of trips together, no, it forces this nightmare on me constantly. I pray it changes. 

Hang in there my friend, for indeed God is merciful in his grace, but He is mysterious in his ways. I stopped trying to understand, I just KNOW things are okay, whether I like it (I don't!) or not. 

Bless you and may you find peace,

Andy

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Kmb and andy

Thankyou for your kind words, i'm 5 months into my grief now and as desperate as i am somedays i know ive come a long way and i'm proud of myself for that, i remember the evening of his death i had just gone to bed exhausted, my daughter laying next to me and my sister also in the house, i was screaming hysterical at them both to give me somthing, anything to take away my pain, they were scared for me and didnt know what to do to make me feel any better, i eventually fell asleep through the sobs, much to their relief i'm sure, how have i gone from that frightened hysterical woman to now, functioning, working, looking after myself, i dont know how ive got here without him but i have, its strange how this grief evolves itself but it does, i hope we all find the strength to find a normal fulfilling life again, i so hope that for us all.

Ilovemywifeforever, i am sorry for your loss, i may not believe myself but i admire your faith in god and i hope it helps you in your grieving, my late mother truly believed and i know it helped her through the loss of my father, take care all of you x

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On 15/04/2017 at 3:31 AM, KayC said:

M88, Can you expound a bit on your easy contact with his spirit, what you mean by that?  How does that display?

I'm sorry ladies, as much as I'd like to share so many of my experiences, I'm not comfortable about posting something so personal on a public forum.

But I don't mind sharing a little.  Neither Gerry or I are religious but having experienced an after-death visit from my Mum (she was religious) for a private goodbye, a few years ago, I do have spiritual beliefs.  Gerry and I were true soul-mates so the spiritual contact we share hasn't surprised me.  It has him though! 

Without conscientiously doing so, I brought his spirit home from the scene where he was killed.  It has revisited the scene with me on a number of occasions, but not the last time.  There are currently only two locations where I don't feel his spirit and receive his messages.  As odd as it sounds, he can't see me if I'm indoors.  He tells me he is with me for as long as I need him to be and I don't doubt this. There is no way I could have survived the past 15 months, let alone carry out the work required to get to the truth of why he was killed, without his continuous guidance.  And never before have I had to use my brain so much, or keep my wits about me.  

On the morning of the day we buried our darling man, I was able to share with family (some of whom were staunch doubters of a spirit world)  a fairly fleeting sign Gerry had arranged (using the term 'sent' doesn't seem apt) to show he was indeed still near us and was feeling our pain.  They were as awestruck as I had been when I first saw it, and didn't have to ask the meaning as it was obvious to all. They urged me to get my camera (I'm into photography) but Gerry quietly told me no cameras, to etch it into my memory instead, and one day paint it.  So on the saddest day of my life I could show his adult children that their Dad was indeed capable of communicating beyond death. And unbeknowns to me at the time, G planted the seed for a "Something To Look Forward To" list.  Very little else has been added to that list as you will understand, but learning to draw and paint is something I've always wanted to do.  I am heading into my second winter without my dear man, and feel this year I just 'may' be able to make a start on learning the skills needed to commit that scene to canvas.  

 

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M88,  You are blessed to have Gerry's continued spiritual presence. An open mind and an open heart will maintain your connection .I too feel my husband's presence, inside when I need him the most and more so when I'm outside. He was an outdoors, nature person. As far as *talking*, it is a telepathic communication. You and Gerry are indeed soulmates, just like my husband and I. You have been soulmates in past lives since the beginning of creation. You will share lives again in the future. My husband has sent me messages of this assurance.

I so hope that one day you will be able to paint the image he had arranged for you.

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Wow!  That is amazing!  I had one instance where I felt George's hand on my back/shoulder area.  It was last year and it was a time I really needed it as my anxiety was going through the roof.  That it was physical was amazing.  But I haven't had "visitations" to speak of where I hear his voice or anything.  I do know he continues with me and our love continues and nothing has changed there, but it's like our relationship is faith based now since we don't have physical form by which to hold each other or talk things over.  I look forward to the day we can be together again, new bodies and complete!

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M88, KayC and KMB, your stories are evidence of what I believe, that life and death, what it means to "exist", is far, far more complex than we imagine. My faith is based in a Christian upbringing, but I've realized that while I have certain, unshakable beliefs, there is much more than what I know. Truth isn't owned by any one philosophy, religion or science. Things that I experienced, just prior to and the 3-5 weeks after my wife's passing, has without doubt showed me that my wife, facilitated by some mechanism, was still very much consciously "aware". It gives me a great deal of awe and comfort knowing that I was graced by "signs" filling me with peace, giving me assurance that my Tracie is okay, and that this so called reality is infinite in its wonder and mysteries. 

As complex, vast and filled with near incomprehensible energy as this universe (and others?) is, so much more so is God. And our beloveds have a front row seat to the most incredible and beautiful show in all of creation, because it is all of creation. I'm thinking we all have a nice seat saved for us.

love all,

Andy 

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Interesting what you say about past lives, KMB.  I do believe in the possibility of past lives and am keen to learn more about the spiritual side of life and death, but for now I'm content with the way it's unfolding.  I am savoring it. I am blessed, as are you.  

KayC, how wonderful it must have felt to feel your Georgies hand, especially when you were so in need!  I haven't experienced touch.   Gerry was only visable head to foot until the day we buried him.  I know his broken body healed very quickly. He is content.  Throughout the day he yaps away is his lovely accent (I've always loved the way he says my name) guiding and motivating me.  Forever advising me to break the many issues I'm dealing with, into small managable lots and not to look at the big picture or it will seem too much for me to handle. 

Yes Andy, awe.  It is that alright. I like the idea of a front row seat. 

And speaking of awe, I must share something else about my Mum.  My daughter and I stayed with her in the hospital for the last two weeks of her life.  Once she accepted she was dying, she shared a lot of what she was seeing and feeling, with us.  One afternoon she said she wouldn't see the night out so the family gathered and we said our goodbyes.  Come the morning she brightly announced that she'd 'decided to stay another day' !!!  Of course I asked, 'can you do that?' Her reply was she didn't know but she was going to.  And she did !!!!  My first Grandson was born that day which made her happy.  

I had a shitty afternoon but after reading the last three posts and sharing a bit more of my experiences, I feel so much better.  A big thank you guys for sharing :) Hugs

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16 hours ago, Andy said:

As complex, vast and filled with near incomprehensible energy as this universe (and others?) is, so much more so is God. And our beloveds have a front row seat to the most incredible and beautiful show in all of creation, because it is all of creation. I'm thinking we all have a nice seat saved for us.

love all,

Andy 

I love it!

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M88,

I probably wouldn't have believed it possible except I experienced it.  I think it takes a LOT of effort for them to make contact like that, that's why we don't experience things like that more.  And it took me eleven years to get that!  I don't need his signs to show me he's here, I know it, I have continued faith in our love and know he's awaiting my joining him.

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M88. This forum is so comforting because it allows us to express everything we are experiencing. There is no judgement or criticizing, for which I am grateful. The spiritual signs we have experienced would not go over well in public grieving support groups. I fear we would be told our grieving is causing hallucinations.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

M88. This forum is so comforting because it allows us to express everything we are experiencing. There is no judgement or criticizing, for which I am grateful. The spiritual signs we have experienced would not go over well in public grieving support groups. I fear we would be told our grieving is causing hallucinations.

This is such an interesting position that people will take, asserting that whatever it is you experience is the result of trauma induced grief, a way to make ourselves feel better by believing death isn't the end, or that we are simple minded sheep led around by some fairy tale meant to keep us (society) in line. I've never understood why it's ok to demean someone's else's beliefs for no other reason than to somehow prove that ones "reason" is truth and our faith is a flimsy understanding of reality. What do they care? Why do they care? To hurt? To intentionally set out to crush ones faith or humiliate them? I don't understand. As I've said, I don't think any one person, group, theory, whatever, owns the truth, it's vast enough that everyone may well hold a piece. Leave me alone. I believe what I believe, it's my choice to do so, I'm not offended by ones lack of faith, I don't get outraged or lose sleep over it. Faith, belief, spiritual awareness, life after death, religion, consciousness as energy, all these things mean different things to different people. It's all a personal journey that takes on many forms, some born of experience, others from testimony, still others from research and study. Atheist? That's your choice, as is being agnostic, that's okay. I have no power to sway anyone towards any belief, nor do I wish it. Only by example would I wish to perhaps move someone towards something. This forum is great for that, no judging, no expectation of beliefs, just a place where we all can express our loss and our sorrow, a place where we look for help and offer it when we can. If you wish to tell us that God moved in your life in a way that has helped you, then share. If you have outrage at God and want to get it off your chest, then do so. If you've lost (or never had any) your faith and feel like God doesn't listen, then say so. Or you don't believe in a diety at all and you express it, then do so without fear of judgement. I'll pray for you anyway. :-)

Bottom line, regardless of what we believe or don't, loss effects us all. We all hurt, we all grieve and mourn. All of us cry and look for answers, we all walk in this valley, but here at least, we don't have to walk alone. We all just want to be better, and we want each other to be better. 

Love you all, 

Andy

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7 hours ago, AceBasin said:

Hello Andy. This is a little off topic but I thought you'd find the link about nearby alligators to be interesting: http://www.postandcourier.com/news/alligator-climbs-to-a-second-story-mount-pleasant-porch-through/article_62f3764c-238a-11e7-9bb4-eb7197b7df98.html

That's pretty amazing, I had seen that story mentioned on a news site, but I didn't read the content. Like sharks, I consider them one of the "machines of perfection". They do what they do better than anything else in their world, and thus have remained unchanged for eons. 

Its unfortunate the animal had to be destroyed, not sure I understand that policy. Deep wilderness relocation would seem a bit more humane and simple. I think they, along with all the crocodilians, are incredible animals. True survivors. Don't want one in my house, but still amazing. 

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

M88,

I probably wouldn't have believed it possible except I experienced it.  I think it takes a LOT of effort for them to make contact like that, that's why we don't experience things like that more.  And it took me eleven years to get that!  I don't need his signs to show me he's here, I know it, I have continued faith in our love and know he's awaiting my joining him.

I had something quite similar happen to me, about two weeks after Tracie passed over. It was not shocking, it didn't frighten me, it was something that I instantly knew what it was, but still unsure of what I was to do, so I did nothing. I didn't move, didn't say anything, but it was incredible. I'm like you, I don't need signs, I know she's here, but I'll take them when I get them. 

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M88,

I glad you're afternoon got a little better, not so "foul". It's a resource of immeasurable value this forum, I can be having a terrible, all is lost day, and after venting here and receiving the always touching and loving responses, I always come away feeling better. These people here are just so wonderful.

You know, if every single head of state on earth was a widow or widower, fighting, wars and petty squabbles would cease. All their energy would be ensuring everyone was living a safe, productive life, filled with happy children and peace. No time for, you know, killing and stuff. Okay, that's my "hippie" rant for the day. 

A Chinese proverb or saying says "there are no winners in war, only widows" 

  

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Andy, It is an inspirational pleasure to read your posts. I feel that we will all vote for you as our support leader on that train ride!

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I lost my husband unexpectedtly a couple months ago. He was in his early 50's ,at the height of his career and at the crest of what was supposed to be the best years of our lives.I also have a daughter that was too young to witness her father dying on our floor. She is only 18. Too young to lose a parent.Too young to lose the security of always being taken care of... Her father will never see her accomplish the many milestones most fathers do. He will not be there for her graduation or help her with her transition into college. He will not be there to counsel her on bad boyfriends and heartbreaks that will heal. There will be no father to walk her down the aisle or share a dance with. No proud granddad holding his second miracle. I too struggle with what to say and do since I am paralyzed by grief and fear. Everyone tells us to show our children the courage and strength we have to survive. Who will show us how?   

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7 minutes ago, LalaLee said:

I lost my husband unexpectedtly a couple months ago. He was in his early 50's ,at the height of his career and at the crest of what was supposed to be the best years of our lives.I also have a daughter that was too young to witness her father dying on our floor. She is only 18. Too young to lose a parent.Too young to lose the security of always being taken care of... Her father will never see her accomplish the many milestones most fathers do. He will not be there for her graduation or help her with her transition into college. He will not be there to counsel her on bad boyfriends and heartbreaks that will heal. There will be no father to walk her down the aisle or share a dance with. No proud granddad holding his second miracle. I too struggle with what to say and do since I am paralyzed by grief and fear. Everyone tells us to show our children the courage and strength we have to survive. Who will show us how?   

Hello LaylaLee. Welcome to the forum. You will find much good advice and many sympathetic persons at this group. There are not any strict rules here about what to post where. If you start a topic such as "Husband died unexpectedly in early 50's" you will receive many replies and helpful information. Everyone here has suffered a similar loss, and all really do understand. Everyone welcomes all replies in any thread, but many will scan for new topics by new members and provide a special welcome and special attention.

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LalaLee, 

I replied to you in another thread, got to that one before this one. But ditto, AceBasin is spot on. This is a "club" unlike most. Nobody wants to be part of it, the price is to high to join, and there's no leaving. But here we are, alone perhaps, but not alone. Here, we're all friends and family. 

Andy

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, It is an inspirational pleasure to read your posts. I feel that we will all vote for you as our support leader on that train ride!

KMB, 

You're far too kind. I don't consider myself accomplished at much anything, but I do try putting thought into my words. I think language can be beautiful and that words can carry meaningful influence. 

Not sure about "support leader", but I'd give driving that locomotive a try. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

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LalaLee,

I wanted to also relate to you my empathy for you concerning your 18 year old daughter. It was the morning (2:42am) my wife passed, probably close to 4am, my daughter and I were driving home from the hospital. We were both crying, in shock, stunned beyond understanding, when she spoke to me. She said "daddy, mom won't be there when I get married, she won't be there when I have a baby". Those words will never leave me. That crushed me, they still do, I tear up just typing those words. As a dad, I fix things, I make things better, but this is beyond me. Daddy can't fix this. 

I just want you to know, even though your daughter lost her dad and mine lost her mom, at similar ages, I get a great deal of what you agonize over, how you grieve for not just yourself, but your baby girl. It's all so difficult, so complicated, but you aren't alone. It's bad enough, but watching our children suffer is just added weight. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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7 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

You will be our "Brother Conductor"

I'll sign on for that! As long as I get the cool train conductor hat. 

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14 hours ago, LalaLee said:

Everyone tells us to show our children the courage and strength we have to survive. Who will show us how? 

It is not in something we say or do that they will be shown.  It is in our very existence, our continuation in the face of adversity, they will pick up on that.  What greater strength could there be than that, particularly in the face of absence of courage or desire to go on.

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Sometimes, the mere act of getting up, dusting ourselves off, and continuing on is the greatest "lesson" we can impart on not just our children, but those around us. Life can be very stubborn, it will fight on, even in the face of insurmountable odds.   So fight, I will.

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bradley1985
1 hour ago, Andy said:

Life can be very stubborn, it will fight on, even in the face of insurmountable odds.   So fight, I will.

I've always agreed with this to the highest degree.  when playing my brother in axis and allies (or risk) for example I never surrender.  I make him take the last territory no matter how many more hours it takes.  I've always been a fighter, however, for the first time I have no fight left in me.  At 4 1/2 months every day just gets harder for me.  She is really really really gone.

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48 minutes ago, bradley1985 said:

I've always agreed with this to the highest degree.  when playing my brother in axis and allies (or risk) for example I never surrender.  I make him take the last territory no matter how many more hours it takes.  I've always been a fighter, however, for the first time I have no fight left in me.  At 4 1/2 months every day just gets harder for me.  She is really really really gone.

And that is completely expected and understandable. I myself feel that way, though not as frequently. As I said, my daughter provides a source of motivation, for without which, I don't know where'd I'd be. I'm not necessarily "wired" for a predilection towards depression, besides which, I've spent a greater part of the last 10-12 years  seeing it firsthand. I'm fully aware of its insidious nature, so I actively guard against conditions that facilitate its hold.

You have lost your key reason for "being", the love of your life has been taken away, removed without your ability to do anything about it. What's left is a sense of helplessness you didn't think possible. We all live with this idea we have power, we can influence the greater world around us, until we're shown rather dramatically, we don't, we can't. I know. Life has been particularly unkind to us this last decade or so, repeatedly showing my wife and I that we are at the mercy or whims of forces beyond our control. BUT, I still held out hope, held onto the notion that I STILL had some measure of leverage. Life was hard, so now it's time for things to ease up, we deseverve it. Especially my wife. My poor, fragile and long suffering wife, how she endured one illness after another, one heartbreak after heartbreak. Surely, it was time for her to be whole, to gather back some of who she was, to find health and happiness. Out of nowhere, without due warning, without visible cause, without MY SAY SO, she slipped away early morning, New Year's Eve. Not a d@mn thing I could do about it. My wife was dying as we spoke what was to be our last words together, expecting her to return to me after this emergency surgery. Dying. If I had known, I would've still been helpless to save her. And I think, just perhaps, that some of what you're experiencing is from this feeling of utter helplessness. I was thrown down and crushed by that singular thought, that no matter how much I loved her, how much I wished it not to be, how loud I begged and pleaded, I am powerless. That's a terrible feeling, and as men, when aren't especially good at accepting that. I was made to realize, all at once, that my parents, my daughter, my closest friends, they were beyond my ability to save if ever I was called to do so. How can this be? What good am I if I can't protect my most cherished love? I took a vow before God to care for her, to protect her. And I failed. I felt accordingly, I was a failure, I was weak, I wasn't capable, I wasn't good enough. 

As time creeps by, I realized that no, I don't have control, but that also means I'm not responsible for those things BEYOND my control. That's a hard thing, to let ourselves off the hook, we need to blame something, and who better than ourselves? It allows us to hold onto the idea we have power, but yet we somehow dropped the ball. Fact is, we aren't in control of all this, only a few things we truly have command of. I wanted to blame "me". I needed to, or so I thought. My sweet, sweet wife succumbed to multiple organ failure due to stage 3 sepsis, or simply, septic shock. Cause, unknown. We had no idea this was going on, I'm not a doctor, I have no medical training nor am I a sorcerer wielding healing magic. I'm just a husband who did his best, and that's all ANY of can ever do, our best. 

Bradley, I'm not suggesting I can help you nor am I arrogant enough to presume to know where to begin, but, if any of the anger, the hopelessness you feel is in any way tied to guilt, loss of control or feeling as if you didn't do enough, then please know, you are not to carry these burdens. They aren't ours to carry. You are a loving husband who obviously adores his wife, who cherished the life you had together, your sorrow speaks volumes to that. I'm cheering you on, she's cheering you on, to see in a week, a month, whatever, that you're still here. You are alive, you have things to live for, even if you can't see them now. We don't have much control, but we have choice.

I hope I haven't overstepped any bounds, I'm not at all suggesting that I have any insight into your grief, I just see a fellow traveler hurting much as I did, and still do from time to time. I want everyone here to find reasons to move forward. I hate the suffering of others, and I sincerely wish to only help. 

Hang in there, peace and comfort,

Andy  

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Andy, You are a wonderful person with such a huge, giving, generous heart. I was reading your post and the tears are falling. Despite your own pain, you still have the willingness to give to others. I can imagine your wife watching over you with a huge, beautiful smile of pride and love.

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bradley1985
2 hours ago, Andy said:

Life has been particularly unkind to us this last decade or so, repeatedly showing my wife and I that we are at the mercy or whims of forces beyond our control. BUT, I still held out hope, held onto the notion that I STILL had some measure of leverage. Life was hard, so now it's time for things to ease up, we deseverve it. Especially my wife.

Andy, thank you for the well thought out and generous comment.  First I want to comment on this comment.  I felt this way.  Nicole had lost her father 5 years ago and we had a hard time finally getting a home to call our own (we moved from the usa to Asia and moved around a lot until 2014).  Nicole loved cats and I "approved" (as the budgeting partner) two new kittens near the beginning of 2015 as Nicole was in love with cats.  In the middle of 2015 we married (profile pic) . She adored the new kittens (and me) and I felt like the king of buckingham palace.   2015 was the greatest year of my life and I thought we finallly had kicked the bad times.  Not so.  January 1 2016 cat #1 died from a disease we overlooked when getting them immunized.   Sad, but we dealt.  55 days later cat #2 was ran over on our own curb at our house, basically right in front of us.  Sad, but we dealt.  Surely thats the worst of it I calcluated using the fair-ometer.  Then her grandmather passed away.  This is the woman who raised her.  Still she was very old and her death was expected.  Now, I think, surely thats GOT to be the end of this.  We finished with our company and one week before she passed away we finally met our goal we had been working towards for 3 years.  So one week before she died I "KNEW" the bad times were finally over.  Not to be.  On to next quote below.

 

2 hours ago, Andy said:

Bradley, I'm not suggesting I can help you nor am I arrogant enough to presume to know where to begin, but, if any of the anger, the hopelessness you feel is in any way tied to guilt, loss of control or feeling as if you didn't do enough, then please know, you are not to carry these burdens. They aren't ours to carry. You are a loving husband who obviously adores his wife, who cherished the life you had together, your sorrow speaks volumes to that. I'm cheering you on, she's cheering you on, to see in a week, a month, whatever, that you're still here. You are alive, you have things to live for, even if you can't see them now. We don't have much control, but we have choice.

A ton of my anger and hopelessness is tied to guilt, loss of control and feeling as if I didnt do enough.  Its almost like you read my mind here.  I didnt reconcile cat#1s vaccination record with cat#2 and this is where guilt and "didnt do enough" begins.  After cat#1 died I suggested we keep cat#2 inside the house going forward but Nicole disagreed and cat#2 was ran over.  Now I feel responsible for two dead animals as i "knew" better.  I have never lost a young pet my entire life!   Now, I find I cant keep not just one but two cats alive.  At this point complete loss of control is now all over me.  I proceed to tell Nicole that if she needs ANYTHING for her diabetes or any kind of check ups please let me know as I was astonished we lost two pets 55 days apart and bad luck seems to brewing and I am scared.  I insist on taking Nicole to the hospital and getting her checked out.  Everything checked out ok.  We do another checkup in August.  Everything is ok.  Then, months later, she dies suddenly from a diabetes related stroke the night before we are flying to another country for a beach vacation.  

I know her death is not my fault.  But the loss of control after thinking I was trying to do everything right is gut wrenching.  Thank you for pointing this out.  I also feel very guilty for not doing more research on type 1 diabetes.  I was putting this off as I thought she was so young and wouldnt have problems until much later.  I had no idea plaque builds up on diabetic arteries.  Just no earthly clue.  So when she had the stroke,  I didnt even consider it could be a stroke and I behaved as if it wasnt.  Not at 33.  I didnt know.  I just didnt know and it eats at me every day.  I wish I would have known about this risk.  Its discussed in some of the ada literature but its difficult to find and understand and Nicole never told me about it.  She never told her sister, her mom, or her grandmother.  None of us knew!  I feel like the worse husband in the world for not better understanding my wifes disease.  However, I am not even sure she understood this aspect.   Now please realize I only mention the cats so you can understand my frame of mind.  I dont "grieve" for the cats and we recovered from their loss in a short time.   But the whole year's episode left me feeling like I cant take care of anything or anyone.  Or no matter what I do I have no control.  So guilt, loss of control, and feeling as if I didnt do enough are my burdens.  I would like to let go of them but I cant.  

I am sorry for such a detailed account but your message was worded very well and I had to get this out, even if nobody reads it.  I needed to say it.  Thanks for a comment that was so helpful I was able to cement my thoughts.  Andy

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Bradley, no apology ever for any response, detailed or brief, you need to express about an idea or a feeling, it's what this site's for. I'm glad I was able to impart some comfort, or at least letting you know that what you feel is perfectly "normal". 

Letting go, or accepting our role in things, is a difficult thing. I became attached to this notion that as long as I felt bad, I was still very much grieving, and that's all good and proper. Or so I thought. There's an odd little movie, Babadook, that you might want to watch. If you haven't seen it, it's a small, independent film about a recently widowed mother who's living this pain filled life while seeing to the needs of her young son. It's a "horror" film, but it's much deeper than that. There's a metaphor that examines grief, how we deal or not deal with it and how we choose to live with it, that's fascinating. It's a slow burn movie, an intentional pace of dread, but ends with a revelation of sorts. You may wish to watch it, it might provide an unusual vista of insight. 

I think it's not so much "letting go" of our pain as it is learning to live with it. It's a part of who I am now, like an unwanted nuisance, though that simmering melancholy always reminding me of what I've lost, forcing me to appreciate life. 

Things happen to all of us, every single person alive this minute will one day be gone. Just last week or a few days ago marked the anniversary of the beginning of WWI. All those soldiers, they're gone. Titanic survivors, gone as well. Your wife, my wife, gone far too early, but really, everyone lost is gone far too early. 22 years old or 122 years old, it's always too early. I'd live a thousand lifetimes with my Tracie, but 24 years, 5 months, 20 days, 2 hours and 42 minutes was what I had. I want more, she deserved more, but it wasn't to be. I'm scared without my wife, I don't know who or what to be. I'm 45 and without my best friend, lonely and frightened. 

Remember, you don't have to feel a certain way at a specific time, but you don't deserve to beat yourself up over this. You love her unconditionally, you did what every good husband does, you cared for her the best you could. Like me, you see the weeks and days leading to your wife's passing through the lens of hindsight. That's not fair to you, you don't have to live by assessing blame for yourself. By letting go of the IDEA of control, you may start letting go of the peripheral emotions. Guilt, anger, whatever, but it's a start maybe in the right direction. 

Peace my friend,

Andy

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