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Andy

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KMB, thanks again for your comfort and support. On Sunday will be five months and I am not doing too well.  Last night I just cried so much. I'm ok sometimes and then I'm not. I had dinner with my good friend and it was nice but I missed Stan so much. When I got home I had a cry fest. I try not to talk about him all the time when I am out because I don't want to drain anyone but sometimes he is all I want to talk about. Guess only those who have been there can truly understand. That's why I find so much solace here. I do hope you are doing well. My prayers are with you. 

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Nads, It's ok. I find my solace here as well. I have my crying spells also. 5 months for you on Sunday, 7 months for me tonight.  I've come to hate Friday thru Sunday.  Those 3 days can be eliminated from the week, at least for me. My husband and I looked forward to the weekends. That has changed for me, like the rest of my life.

 Prayers and hugs to you.

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It's St Patricks Day and my thoughts are all about my beloved Patrick. Yes, he was an Irish Bostonian!  Missing him more every day.  I'm away visiting my daughter in Santa Monica, doing a lot of walking, sitting on the beach, crying, and hopefully some healing. I wanted to send some peace and serenity to all of you on this forum in the form of this picture. Let's all take a deep breath and hope for at least a moment of peace. 

 

 

image.jpg

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HHFaith----It's heartening that you are visiting your daughter, getting away from the familiar, seeking solace, healing. We all need to take breaks, to get away somewhere with different scenery and breathe. Beautiful pic! Thank you for sharing. Be safe, peace and hugs.

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KMB, my prayers are with you tonight. I know you must be having a hard time. Cry as much as you want. I too don't look forward to weekends especially Friday nights as we almost always did something like go to dinner or meet up with friends. Now all I do is stay home. I don't even want to get out. If I was closer to you..we could have gotten together on Friday nights and feel sad together.:)

My uncle who is battling cancer was taken to the hospital this afternoon. I went to visit him after work. He looked so weak and frail. It was so sad seeing him like that. I just wish for him no pain and peace. 

God bless you. Hope you sleep well 

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HHFaith, thanks for sharing that pic. It does bring a sense of serenity. Makes one kind of wish they were there. I do hope your visit to your daughter brings you comfort. My prayers are with you. God bless. 

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy,

Praying for strength and comfort today...

Thank you so much KayC. My daughter and I went. She made it to the anti room adjoining the viewing, and that's as far as she got, she just melted into tears. I told her that it was ok to leave, to wait outside if she wanted. I stepped in, spoke to my friend briefly, I cried when his mom and I saw one another. We hugged, I gave her my number, told her I couldn't stay, that my daughter tried, she was wonderful. She was actually surprised and maybe a bit touched that we came, she said she thought it was too soon for us to be back there of all places. My daughter and I ate lunch with a friend who also attended the viewing. It was surreal, being in the exact same place for the exact same reason, only 2 1/2 months removed. It was an almost physical weight pressing down on me, anxiety I guess. My poor Elizabeth, she apologized for not being able to stay, I assured her that under no circumstances would she be expected to go to this, I had even suggested she not go if she wasn't up to it. She really, really wanted to show her support. Bless her. Great girl that one. I'm glad I went, but I was equally as happy to be done with it. Horrible business all of it. 

Hugs to you KayC, thank you for thinking of me. 

Andy

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HHFaith, 

Thats a beautiful picture, peaceful to be sure. I love the "eternal" imagery of the seas, the oceans. Comforting and awe inspiring at the same time. I hope you're having a pleasant visit with your daughter, and I hope you find a little serenity of your own. 

Nads, 

I'm so sorry about your uncle, so terrible. And being at home, kind of aimless or without something meaningful to do? Yes, I get that. I'm trying to keep my weekends busy to avoid being home alone, my car thing, driving out and about, photography, just something. Being home is such a two sided affair, on one hand, it's impossible imagining myself anywhere BUT home, but it's also hard, at times, being here alone with all of the memories.

Nothing about this is easy, nothing. It's all pain and blindly finding our way.

Love, lots of love, to all of you beautiful and kind ladies, Nads, KMB, HHFaith, KayC, I honestly hope and pray for your peace and well being. 

Andy

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Today has been one of those "emotionally" void sort of days. I think maybe I'm so drained, so wiped out that I simply don't "feel" or I don't have the capacity to feel? Maybe I've just went off the tracks for good. I'm perpetually sad, that's a given, but maybe it's my "range" of intensity that's not moving so much. I'm not happy, I'm not sobbing in desperation, I'm just kind of unable to experience anything outside of myself today, if that makes any sense at all. I figured if anyone in the world would understand, it would be someone here. I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm like this. I don't like putting this on anyone and I certainly can't expect others to empathize. It's not possible. I sometimes think "this is it". This is as good as it'll ever get from here on. Now, I admit, I'm in a detached, somber mood, but the notion of perpetual sadness does tend to linger. Today was the first Saturday in about a month that I literally couldn't think of anything to do. I went to town, bought some essentials, dog/cat food, paper towels, that sort of thing. I came home. Ate a couple of pieces of pizza. Sat. Do any of you ever feel that way? Like you feel a sort of "nothingness"? Doing anything is more trouble than it's worth? I know I'm not alone in this, but God help me, I'm so miserable without Tracie. I think I'll be ok, but today, her absence is so unbearable. Maybe that's why I'm self guarding from deeper emotions. It's just too painful. 

I just needed to put my thoughts into form, to maybe share my current state. I'm so lonely without her, I'm starting to think, to believe, that I will never be what I was, not even close. I don't know. I hurt so much, the pain has become just another part of life now, like anxiety or sleep (or lack thereof), it's there all the time.  

Thank you, all of you, for being who you are, being friends. You've all been so kind. 

Andy

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Andy----I get what you mean. I didn't get out of bed today until 10:30. I didn't even know it was late morning. I kept the covers over my head to keep out the daylight. I hate facing it, the reality. But, the perk was, OK, in less than 12 hours, I can be back in that bed and escape. I too went into town this afternoon. Didn't really need anything but I had to get away from home for a bit. I'm sad most of the time. But, I think the overall feeling, like you mention as being emotionally void, is numbness, lack of feeling. I don't know if there are any words to describe this. I just don't feel like I am really *here*. Paralyzed. A zombie. I don't know.

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KMB,

Numbness, I think that's pretty close. It is a numbness, a unawareness too, I think. Not aware of things that made me happy, or at least an inability to connect with those things the way I used to. I'm still trying to go through the motions until hopefully something "clicks", but it's so tough. It's as if this wall has been created, it prevents me from experiencing real, honest to goodness, joy. I get close sometimes, but it isn't nearly as meaningful as before. I don't have her to share it with, I don't have my love to share in my joy. I don't know how I'm going to feel that again, she's not coming back, so how do I find that connection again? How is it possible? Maybe it isn't. 

I feel like staying in bed so often, if it wasn't for work or my daughter, I'm not sure I'd have any motivation for getting out. I drive my car, I look for something, anything, to inspire or grab me. I'm looking and looking and today I was just tired of looking I guess. Tomorrow, I'll get up, shower, go into town for breakfast, come home and simply sit and think of what to do. Or more specifically, look for a REASON to do something. That's the truth of it. I have plenty to do, I just don't seem to have a reason to do any of it. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, for the both of us. I hope so. 

Love KMB, and peace, 

Andy

 

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The lost emptiness.  Knowing that I could be doing something better, but not caring if I do or don't.  I get it.  I have gotten to the point that I know I can push forward.  I can be positive.  I can have good moments.  I can do worthwhile things.  I can have hope.  But why should I try?

I can rationalize it.  I should because it is better for me.  I should because it is better for those around me, and I care about them.  I should because Christine would want me to.  And in the end, I don't get to share it with her.  Every result, every action, every success, every failure, every attempt, they are all meaningless without being able to come home, tell her I love her, and hear her say the same to me.

Which are there more of?  The moments I make a difference, or the moments of empty hope?  I can't make a difference that often, and the empty hope is always there to greet me.  It feels like the chance to change things for the better is a shooting star, and the empty hope is the sky around it.  The star may be beautiful for a moment, but the emptiness is always there, just waiting to swallow the fading light of what I once thought was something meaningful.  It is easy to miss how meaningful it was in the eternal void of black that the empty hope presents.

But it was meaningful, it is meaningful, and it will always be meaningful.  No one remembers the empty skies.  They are always there, but no one really focuses on them.  They focus on the shooting stars, and with good reason.  The stars are the moments that matter.  When I love, when I help, when I push aside the void and take the chance to do something real, people notice.  Those bright moments are the ones that Christine loved.  She didn't focus on the days at the hospital, the endless parade of banality that the doctors and insurance companies, and dialysis clinics presented.  She focused on the days at the beach, with her toes in the sand.  The kisses and hugs in the kitchen.  The laughter, the love, and the good.  Hoping that everyone either finds a moment to stand in the sun, or lights the night as though daylight were already here,

Herc

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It's kind of like counting the days...to what???  It only changes so much, they're still not here.  We still have empty lives, we're lonely, we have too much burden on us.  I live for the good moments, however few they are, moments I see my grandkids, getting greeted with a kiss by my dog.  Even seeing a beautiful sky...I want to share it with George.  I ask him if he sees it.

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This day/night is going from bad to worse. My daughter just asked about what to do about a job-school scheduling conflict, and I struggled with advice. Something so simple. We were done talking and the moment she left, I broke down in tears. I've been crying ever since. I can't stop, I literally have no control... what is this??

I'm missing her so much today, it's just so much, I can't take this, I want my wife back so much, I need her to make ME better, God, please, please

I just need to sleep and try again tomorrow. I'm so lost, it's like everything I do is an act. I pretend so my daughter has a parent to count on. I'm such a feeble mess right now. This is so impossible 

thank you guys, Herc, KayC

Andy

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Andy,

Just breathe.  The rest will take care of itself.  I know you did as well with your daughter as I have done with mine.  We question it, and in the end, we care so much for them the specifics don't matter.  You are a great father.  It is impossible, and yet we will get through it, and you are doing an incredible job.  Hoping you take care of yourself,

Herc

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Andy, You AREN'T a feeble mess, you just FEEL like one right now, and that's okay, you're entitled to.  It doesn't take much to throw us when we're grieving, especially in that first year or two.  I agree with Herc, you're doing a great job, dad!

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Andy. I can so relate. I had one of those days the other day. Was so down. Just lost and missing him so much. When I think of the future without Pat, the anxiety is the worst. Here I am on "vacation", visiting my daughter, and all I can think of is "oh I should send that picture to Pat". Or "oh I should text/call Pat to tell him what just happened". But I cant . The only advice I have right now for you, for me, and for all of us is to just take it minute by minute. Don't think about tomorrow or even worse next week or next year. I hope your daughter is like mine- listening to me talk about Pat way more than i should. I often feel I'm putting too much on her but she had been so great. Hang on. Tomorrow's another day. Here's praying things will be just a little lighter then. 

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Andy, I pray that you woke up this morning to a less solemn mood but I know exactly what you're talking about. I find myself just breaking into spontaneous tears these days. It's almost like I can't control my grieving. Andy, you're a great dad and you are doing the best that you can do at the moment. Just take it one step at a time. You are doing a fine job. 

Today marks five months since Stan's passing. I woke up this feeling really sad but I intend to go on a long drive so I won't have to be home. It's worse if I just sit around all day. Sunday was our day where we would just relax or do whatever we wanted. I still can't believe it's been five months since I last touched him, kissed him, told him i love him. Five months in this world without him. What a sad life I lead now. No purpose. 

My prayers are with you all. 

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Herc, HHFaith, KayC, Nads,

Thank you all. It's 9:00am here and I'm just now stirring about. Mostly because our little dog isn't hesitant about letting me know HE has needs also. I do feel "better", so far. Thank you for saying I'm a great dad, that's all that matters at this point. My daughter does listen to me ramble about my wife, but I try to keep it about happy memories and positive experiences. I keep the sorrow mostly to myself or come here to express it. I don't know what happened to me last night, it really was as if I had lost control of my emotions. I felt so horrible. 

Thank you, all of you, I knew that you would understand and offer insight to this episode. This is the first time I'd been like this, this far removed from her actual passing, that I was so depressed and hopeless. It was a bit frightening and bleak, it was simply horrible. I'm going to try to do better today. My daughter wants a small, simple ring with a ruby or rubies for her birthday. Ruby is my wife's birth stone, so that's what my daughter wants to wear, and today she wants to show me one she found. Maybe we'll eat why'll we're out and just enjoy the sun. 

Again, I really can't thank you all enough, it's so comforting having a place I can not only vent and cry and be a mess, but to actually get back something of such great value, such wonderful support and insight. I love you all, and thanks for being there. 

Andy

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Andy,

Glad you are feeling a little better.  Those moments are out there, waiting to ambush us, but we will get through them.  Enjoy the day with your daughter.  I know mine helps push back the bleakness when I am with her,

Herc

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Andy, this is a roller coaster of emotion.  In my early months I was in panic/anxiety mode and having meltdowns.  I don't know how I functioned at work, coming home at night and God forbid, weekends, was the worst.

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Everyone---- The irony is conflicting. When our loved ones were here, we leaned on each other. Were there for each other. Now, when we need them the most, they are not here. The physical/verbal connection is non- existent. We are supposed to go on blind faith and trust in the spiritual connection.

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15 minutes ago, new133 said:

yeah.. how does one trust that spiritual connection? i have yet to experience anything convincing.. i'm really hoping.. waiting

New133,

I understand your doubt or questioning "why?" I suppose that's the faith part of belief, you just accept the idea of there being more than this "life". My daughter has the same issue, she's looking and waiting for some "sign", reassurance, proof of some sort. I told her to stop "looking", just be aware. I believe signs are all around us, maybe we aren't ready to see, maybe they aren't all meant for this person to see, but they're there for another person. I think, and I'm only speaking from MY personal experience and from my perspective, that I've seen what I've seen because there wasn't a question of faith to begin with. I have always been open to certain things, I believe in possibilities. I told my daughter to not expect a Hollywood type of experience. No mysterious messages in the bathroom mirror, no full body apparition declaring itself to be "mom", or even things that are obvious. 

I wish I could help you with this, not to convince you of anything, but to provide you with some sense of comfort and peace. I sincerely hope you find what you're waiting for, or maybe it'll find you. 

Comfort and peace,

Andy

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Today I took a long drive to where Stan's ashes was scattered. My brother went along with me. It was so sad but I felt I wanted to go there as today marked five months since his passing. I did manage to have some laughs with my brother though. He has been a great support through all this. Now I'm back home and I feel so lost and alone. I just miss him so much. I miss our life together. I miss everything. 

I'm exhausted from the drive so hopefully I get some rest. My prayers are with you all. God bless us. 

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new133,

I myself haven't received any significant signs but I keep hoping that one day I will. I dreamt him four times in five months since his passing. I would like to think that this was him reaching out to me but I still can't be sure. I know you said you've never had faith in anything. That's ok. I have faith that you will make it through even though every day will be a struggle. 

Peace and love to you. 

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Mrsturner41
On 1/27/2017 at 11:29 AM, Andy said:

I'm new here, never knew this site existed before yesterday. Not a "lurker", so I'm not exactly sure how or what I should say. I know I'm wanting to express my grief in a supportive atmosphere, communicate with others who belong to this terrible "club", this most bewildering of places. 

On December 31st, 2016, my wife of 24 years, 5 months, age 42, passed away unexpectedly. We have a 20 year old daughter and an adopted 23 year old daughter, but she's been largely absent from our lives for the last 8 years. I have my parents, and that's it basically as far as my family is concerned. What I feel, daily, is an indescribable sensation of utter sorrow, despair and complete loneliness. Nothing anyone here hasn't experienced, I'm sure, but knowing that doesn't lessen the pain. Seeing others go through and survive this is a comfort, and I take those "lessons" to heart. I miss her everyday, I still text her phone, I still question reality, "Is this real? Will she come back? Will I wake from this?" I know she's gone (her mortal form), I know she isn't coming back, but the truth is almost too much for me to accept. But I do. My daughter lost her mom, so her grief is every bit as accute as mine, but from a different perspective. One day, my daughter may get married, may have children, but all without her mom. As a dad, it crushes me that I can't "fix" that. I can't make that better. Everyday has presented new challenges, financial issues, emotional side effects, anxiety, worries where none existed before, and waves of despair that cover me in anguish and a flood of tears. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were supposed to grow old together, start being a "couple" again, post parent planning beginning to happen. I found out, in a very real way, that tomorrow is a lovely idea, a wish and a hope, but it doesn't exist. 

Thank you, I have more to say, and I hope I can help someone or someone can help me. Bless you all. 

 

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Mrsturner41,

I think the above quote is actually your words, not Andy's, maybe you typed inside the quote?  Not sure how it happened, but correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm sorry for your loss.  Your story sounds familiar, 20 year old daughter, 23 year old adopted daughter that's not in your life now...I've heard that before from someone else, maybe on my other forum, can't remember.  So you aren't alone, someone else has very similar circumstances.

You're not very far out, it's still somewhat of a shock, you're still in the trying to process this stage.  That took me about three years.  We're all different though so don't think it'll take you that long, maybe I'm just slow.  It's hard to absorb this.  My only advice is take one day at a time, try not to think about "the rest of your life", it's too much to take on.  Self care is super important.  It's good you're coming here, it's good to express yourself and know you are heard and understood.  We're all here for you.

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I'm trying to sort out my "quote" and reply function, something's gone wonky 

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Mrsturner41,

I think the above quote is actually your words, not Andy's, maybe you typed inside the quote?  Not sure how it happened, but correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm sorry for your loss.  Your story sounds familiar, 20 year old daughter, 23 year old adopted daughter that's not in your life now...I've heard that before from someone else, maybe on my other forum, can't remember.  So you aren't alone, someone else has very similar circumstances.

You're not very far out, it's still somewhat of a shock, you're still in the trying to process this stage.  That took me about three years.  We're all different though so don't think it'll take you that long, maybe I'm just slow.  It's hard to absorb this.  My only advice is take one day at a time, try not to think about "the rest of your life", it's too much to take on.  Self care is super important.  It's good you're coming here, it's good to express yourself and know you are heard and understood.  We're all here for you.

That was my original post when I joined this forum. I'm not sure what Mrsturner41 was trying to quote, but that's my post. 

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14 hours ago, Nads said:

new133,

I myself haven't received any significant signs but I keep hoping that one day I will. I dreamt him four times in five months since his passing. I would like to think that this was him reaching out to me but I still can't be sure. I know you said you've never had faith in anything. That's ok. I have faith that you will make it through even though every day will be a struggle. 

Peace and love to you. 

Nads, I've had many many dreams of her some of which I don't really remember. Sometimes she's not even moving or responsive (kind of like before). Some are disturbing as hell (maybe it's just my subconscious or something). But a couple times she did talk but I'm not entirely sure what she said. Once I asked if she wanted to live or die and she said she wanted to live. Then I woke up and it ripped me apart because I'm not even sure what that means. I don't know if I felt guilty and should have tried harder to keep her alive (although she was suffering in old age) or if she wanted to 'live' as in reincarnate (or something). I have NO idea at all... I'm not religious/spiritual but I wish there was more to life, I see people writing about their 'strange' experiences and I wish it'd happen to me (or that I would SEE it for what it was) but no luck yet. I continue to hope though. But this is a very dark place, and I don't understand the purpose of suffering (not just me, everyone, everyone constantly suffers for no apparent reason).
I did mention other instances that could have been coincidences but I continue to wait for something that makes me go... this HAS to be a sign and nothing else (ie seeing her unique name)

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

Well I replied to YOUR quote as if it was hers then, sorry!

No worries KayC, I was confused when I first saw the post, thought I was missing something. My end has been acting strange the last 24 hours or so, I think I've got it working though. Figured it was just another "ghost in the machine".  Maybe she meant to address something in my post, but like myself, had some issues with her "quote" and ability to reply? 

Andy

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20 hours ago, new133 said:

i've never had faith in anything. i'm just in the dark right now. as i've always been, but worse.
what have you seen?

I'm sorry it's taken me a bit to reply, between work (Monday) and my issues with posting, I'm a little late in my response. 

I posted somewhere either in this thread or perhaps another, about a necklace that became somewhat of an obsession for my daughter and I. I'll be brief, but essentially during the time in the E.R., I had removed my wife's wedding rings and then later, when was taken to the O.R., the nursing staff brought me her necklace and earrings. The necklace was one I had just given to her for Christmas, just 5 days prior. The problem was, as we later found out, we couldn't locate the necklace she'd worn for about 2-3 years prior, on a nearly daily basis. Most photos show her wearing it. It's a simple, silver "open heart" pendant that is given her years before. But she like simple, not very flashy jewelry, so that was her go to necklace. Over the next 2 weeks or so, I turned my house upside down, my parents house, all the family vehicles, trash cans, trash bags, inside out. Daily, after work, I'd look for that necklace. Between my daughter and I, we went systematically through my wife's jewelry box no less than 8-10 times. Piece by piece, her necklaces, bracelets, rings and various other items were laid out, one drawer at a time, at least twice by me, twice by my daughter. Then together and more haphazardly. Nothing. One thing I had purposely avoided checking was our vacuum cleaner. It's a canister type, no bag. I held on to the idea that two realities could exist at the same time, as long as I didn't look, the necklace could be there, as well as not be there. I was afraid my wife had accidentally thrown it out with the wrapping paper Christmas morning, since I had given her a new necklace and she may have taken the old one off, laying it down where it was mixed in with the paper. The Thursday of the week I had returned to work was HORRIBLE, I lasted about a half a day at work and had to leave. I was at my lowest since the day she passed away. I came home, my daughter and I were experiencing some communication issues, I was sobbing, I was lost. I was alone at home, and I decided to check the vacuum. It was filthy and full and I, with my bare hands sifted through the entire mess, and I found nothing. It wasn't there. I was devastated, I was in my back yard, begging God to help me, begging my wife to help me, pleading for help. I got up, went inside and crawled into bed. My daughter came home a little later, she had bought me a rose and a hand written note of apology. As she drove up though, a FedEx truck pulled up at the same time. He had a charm I had ordered for my daughter, it was a small heart with my wife's thumb print engraved on one side. She was so happy, asked if I had a necklace for it. I told her I didn't, my are mostly cords. During all this, I'm still in bed, I'm crying, I can't get up, I'm at my emotional end. My daughter is on the bed, trying to comfort me. She asks if she can look and see if "momma" has a necklace that will work. I said "go ahead, you know what's in there". She looked, both sides, found nothing that would work. I told her I'd get her one later. After saying she loved me and was ready to leave, she said she was going to look one more time. As she crouched down and opened the jewelry box door, I heard her gasp. I could not raise my head from the pillow, I was thinking "it can't be, it can't be" over and over. I heard my daughter, in a whisper, say "thank you mommy". My sobbing was uncontrollable by now, I still refused to look up. My daughter said "daddy, look" and I did. And yes, there was the necklace. In her hand, wrapped in her fingers. She handed it to me, I felt a "wave" come over me, of relief to be sure, but also a sense of comfort and "knowing". I told my daughter it was hers, she said "no, mom brought it to you, I have this one, you need this"   I was speechless. The day, hour, I needed something, anything from my wife, God, to reassure me that things were ok, I got it. My daughter and I were flabbergasted that this necklace was there, in our face, in our hand apparently, this entire time? She asked me, "do you think we could miss it, or do you think mom put it there?" My answer was that I don't think it matters, it was "revealed" to us, at this most crucial moment. The timing was everything. It's all timing. I've had other episodes, none which I feel ready to discuss, but the common thread is the timing, the synchronicity involved. Is it possible we, after 8-10 searches missed it? In This relatively small jewelry box? Sure, I suppose. Just about anything can be "rationalized". But, again, faith carries me the extra distance when necessary, in this case however, I didn't have to suspend disbelief. I've had bad, really bad days since, I've been low, this past weekend a good example. But I have NOT felt like I did that day. I was shown, told, it was demonstrated to me, that my wife was okay. Even though I HATED this particular plan, it was all with part of something much, much grander than I. I don't like it, I want her back, everyday, but knowing that SHE'S ok makes this a tiny bit more bearable. It was a very personal experience, so I can only describe it to you as I perceived it, the way it made me feel, the impact it had on my daughter and I. I don't ask or expect anyone to believe or accept that it was a "sign" or message, I don't need anyone to. It was meant for me, but I don't mind sharing it. Maybe it'll bring comfort or maybe hope to someone hurting and in pain. That's all I can do. 

Andy

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Sorry, I just realized that my "brief" story became a little long in the telling. I apologize, I got caught up I suppose. 

Andy 

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Andy thank you very much for sharing your story. I am glad to hear that feeling of knowing that she's ok brings you peace.
That is certainly a weird situation. I don't think you could have missed it. But you and your daughter must have some relief?
I would love to have the same, I have some hope though, not much, but it is something, the hope is there..
 

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1 hour ago, new133 said:

Andy thank you very much for sharing your story. I am glad to hear that feeling of knowing that she's ok brings you peace.
That is certainly a weird situation. I don't think you could have missed it. But you and your daughter must have some relief?
I would love to have the same, I have some hope though, not much, but it is something, the hope is there..
 

Regardless if you have an experience or have an event that unfolds in odd ways, the important thing IS to keep hoping. I believe in possibilities, I've always been that way, and for me, possibilities are a direct link to hope. The loss that we have faced, it changes us. We now have a bitter knowledge, an insight to sorrow and grief that we wish we didn't. Maybe, in the days, weeks, years to come, you'll develop an understanding of reality that makes sense for you. I don't ask "why" anymore. Some consider faith as foolish, just a way to convince ourselves death isn't that frightening or that we can see our loved ones again. That's ok too. I don't think it's foolish, but that's me. 

New133, hang in there (sounds trite, I know...), you are alone, but not alone. I think of us in this dark valley together, but we are alone to deal with the deeply personal feelings of sorrow and grief. Only you can feel exactly what you feel, but we can indeed relate to emotions, the anger, the confusion and all the mundane stuff that now requires Herculean effort to accomplish. Don't lose hope, even if it's the only thing you have, do not let it go. I was hopeful up to minute the Dr informed me of my wife's fate. Even now, I still hope. I hope I'm good enough to be what I need to be for my little girl, I hope I set a good example for her, I hope that one day, somehow, I'll actually be genuinely happy again. Not sure how that'll work, but I'm hoping. 

Love and hugs new133,

Andy

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It's 9:40 and cannot stop crying again. God, I'm hitting a low place again. I don't know why now, I don't understand this, the last 4 days have been so very hard. I know it's another low point, but it's taking a toll on me. I thought I was ok. I did have to mail off two more death certificates today, so that didn't help. I miss her so much, it seems like it's getting worse. Or I'm just tired and beat. I want her back, I want to hold her hand, smell her hair, hear her, I want my Tracie to come home. 

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Andy,

I'm so sorry.  I don't have anything to help right now, but I am here, listening, and hoping you find some peace.  One moment at a time my friend,

Herc

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Andy, we're all here listening and relating. Just go with the flow. Feel the pain and cry as long as you have to. I think today I'm doing a little bit of stuffing my feelings . I don't want to do that, I know it's not healthy. I know I need to keep feeling the feelings, no matter how painful. But sometimes I can't face them. Missing them hurts so much. It is unbearable at times, but it will change and hopefully not be so gut wrenching. We will all learn to live a good life without them and we will learn how to live while missing them. Good night and good sleep to us all. 

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Herc, HHFaith, thank you both. I'm having a hard time, the magnitude of her absence has been weighing on me with a stronger than usual pain. As time goes by, the distance of time relative to her passing is making things so difficult. I'm "stuck" on December 31st, but time keeps moving. I don't want to move, I want to go back. I know it can't be that way, but my heart doesn't understand that. 

You guys and ladies are all so kind, your words help so, so very much. It's a blessing to have somewhere to express all this sorrow and to receive empathy in return. Bless you all.

Andy

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Hi Andy,in these forums everybody understands how you feel.These terrible waves of sadness that come from nowhere.One moment you feel okish and then suddenly something hits you and you burst into uncontrollable crying.It is a wave that will pass.I try to look at it like that; it is a wave.It WILL pass.

You are in pain.We are all in pain and sharing the pain makes it that slightly bit more bearable.

This grieving 'club' binds us.We don't know each other but we share the same loss and that makes us close.The loss of the one we loved and still love most in the world is the loss we have in common.We will get through this, no doubt.We have no choice.

Lets all keep posting.Lets all keep helping and supporting each other.

Tineke

 

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1 hour ago, Tineke Tjepkema said:

Hi Andy,in these forums everybody understands how you feel.These terrible waves of sadness that come from nowhere.One moment you feel okish and then suddenly something hits you and you burst into uncontrollable crying.It is a wave that will pass.I try to look at it like that; it is a wave.It WILL pass.

You are in pain.We are all in pain and sharing the pain makes it that slightly bit more bearable.

This grieving 'club' binds us.We don't know each other but we share the same loss and that makes us close.The loss of the one we loved and still love most in the world is the loss we have in common.We will get through this, no doubt.We have no choice.

Lets all keep posting.Lets all keep helping and supporting each other.

Tineke

 

You're absolutely correct. These "waves" of grief will pass, they will return. Perhaps with each episode I will learn better how to confront them. It's been rather bleak lately. Missing her has become so pronounced, it's so difficult, having this sorrow that nothing can "fix". 

Posting here has been a comfort that I can't really find anywhere else. My family is fantastic, but only we, the widows and widowers, or anyone who's lost their beloved, truly understand what this has done to us. 

Peace and love to you, and all my fellow travelers,

Andy

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I am sorry that it's so pronounced.
I suppose we can only share our experiences and try to find comfort in that. It will take a lot of time I think.
hugs

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A great deal of time. I don't believe this will be "better", I think it will evolve though. Or maybe I will? Either way, learning to cope with this, figuring out how to best move forward, will be a tremendous undertaking. Any life altering experiences, good or bad, are presumably shared with our life partners, but in our case, we set out alone. Time is no friend of mine, it will try to rob my memories, create distance with the ticking of the clock, erode my emotional connections. I'll fight that, it won't take that away too. Time though, will allow me to better understand my new reality, so I guess I'll have to cooperate on that level. So much misery, so much so that I find it amazing that we can feel this much pain, hour after hour, and still function at all. Incredible. 

To a better tomorrow, or at least a more bearable one.

Andy  

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Andy-----Our losses are so painful, so etched into our minds and hearts, so permanent. Our physical bodies, our minds, are so fragile, vulnerable , it's a wonder anyone survives.

Time, a lot of time, also our own efforts at working to put our loss into an acceptable perceptive that we can live with.

I know what you are going through. We all do. For me, the waves of grief came more often when the shock and denial were wearing down. The permanence of loss seeping into my consciousness. I didn't want that. I didn't want it to be true, to be real. My heart kept fighting it. My mind was fighting back. It is like watching a war movie and when the battle is over, you are left with the carnage .Where to begin patching what's broken and cannot be replaced?

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