Want to share my experience.

[fzald]

Andy,

I think you did as good as you can. You and your daughter are sharing this grief. You each had a different relationship with her obviously, but you both had a very close one, it is so clear. You of course know that your daughter's reactions are normal, guilt and anger are very normal. As her dad I'm sure you feel the need to be super strong, but also remember, you two can lean on each other for support in this time. You need her as much as she needs you. Don't be afraid to tell her how much you miss her as well, how hurt you are. Just like on this board, sometimes knowing others understand our feelings is in and of itself comforting. She's an adult, so you thankfully don't have to worry about some of the challenges of working through grief with very young children involved.

I know how you feel about giving up if you have any more loss. Losing my girlfriend to death is, by far, the worst experience I have ever had in my life. I still sometimes think that if I were to lose my mom, and/or my close friend who's been there for me through the whole thing, I'd give up. I have heard of people losing their entire families - spouse, children, pets, and even friends or other relatives, in horrific scenarios like house fires or shootings or similar. I have no idea how those people do it. I don't think I could. I feel like I have a threshold, a point where after which it would be reasonable for me to be suicidal and want to seriously just end it. How much loss can one person be expected to take?

It's so very humbling. We really do try to maintain control over our lives. Even my girl was very "into" being in control of her life. As I've said before, she chose to be with me. She was in control of her life. And so was I. I knew what I wanted, I was willing to work for it, I was willing to go to the end of the world and back for what I wanted - her. Death has a way of reminding us how little power we ultimately have. Sometimes I still wonder... We are put on this Earth for a limited time, and one thing everyone is forced to learn is futility. What's the point?

[Andy]

Fzald, my daughter and I have a close relationship, made stronger over the years over my wife's illnesses and the circumstances that were created because of our situation. I'm honest with her to a point, I firmly believe that even though we are exceptionally close, she still needs to see me as dad, someone, that for the time being, she can still turn to for strength. I do openly cry and I do tell her how I miss her mom, how much I will always love and miss her. I don't, however, let on quite so much how truly, truly horrible I sometimes feel, how hopeless I get. Of course, I'm rather certain she's experiencing the same things. 

Being put on earth, to live, suffer and die. Sounds rather pointless, I agree. I think there is a point though, despite this tragedy. If anything, I think the point, at least my point, is to love and give in the face of a world that could care less. My wife had a terrible childhood, she suffered physically for years, she suffered emotionally for years. Her mind was, in many ways, broken. Despite all of that, she found ways to be happy, to live, to give and receive love. She loved me, she raised a daughter, opened her heart to another, she enjoyed what she could, when she could. I look at all that, and so much more, and I consider what that means. What do I see? Why? She was well aware of her issues, her "limitations", but those weren't going to stand in her way of her passion. Her family. Now, obviously, I'm dealing with the loss of my spouse, my "soul mate", so living is very different for me. BUT, I have to find my way, I have to not only live for reasons I still don't understand, I have to provide an example for my daughter. 

Things can be taken away from us at any moment. Without warning, our world gets flipped upside down and shattered. And that, for me, makes those things worth living for. What would be pointless would be never having anything to live for. I lived to care for and love my wife, and then eventually our little girl. I lost my wife, I'm devastated, and I'm so lost without her, but I have to believe, I have to hope, that eventually I'll find life worth living again. I know my wife is hoping that I do. 

Thank you friend,

Andy 

[fzald]

Andy,

You brought to my mind some of the things about both my girlfriend, as well as my friend from childhood, both who passed at age 22.

Both of them had very difficult upbringings. Their families both tended to have some dysfunctional characteristics. My friend's parents were constantly fighting and bringing him and his sister into the middle of things. He was suicidal in his teen years. He couldn't see a point in living because he'd had such horrible experiences growing up. Although I was a strong force in his life, he once told me that his girlfriend, the one who he would marry and who I am still very close with today, was the positive force that truly pulled him out of his well. He even used the words "she saved my life." She loved him with all of her being, and he loved her back. When he fell ill with cancer, his wife stayed by his side to the bitter end. He even told me, during his last month on this planet, that he would die happy, because he had known love. He knew the irony of his life, how he had been suicidal, and after he had finally found his life and his happiness, his life was still going to be taken from him far too early.

My girlfriend had some similar issues from her childhood. She was always upbeat, she was always smiling, but to me, she confided that a lot of the time, especially early in our friendship, she was just faking it. She was empty inside. She was also suicidal. She also couldn't see any reason to live, to hold on. She never said the words to me that I "saved her life", but I like to believe I at least helped her along that path. Because her "pretending" gave way to true happiness. She still had plenty of issues in her life, family especially, but she had learned to find the happiness, and I always tried to help her find it. 

Maybe one of the things that is still hurting me so much is this very fact. Twice in my life, I have been a positive force in someone's life, someone who was actually suicidal. Twice, I have been at least a part of the reason that person pulled through. With my childhood friend, yes, it was his girlfriend/wife who truly helped, but I still was always there for him, to listen, to be an ear. My girlfriend did the same. Even in the face of some horrible issues with her family, she found happiness. She confided in me any time she was particularly upset, and I did everything I could for her, even at one point recommending counseling (which she did seek out, and which did help). 

And twice in my life, someone who was pulled back from the edge was eventually taken anyway, far too young. Twice, people who had barely begun to live, who had just started to truly find happiness and purpose, were taken from the world. Both of them will never get to know the long-term joys and rewards of finding their happiness. 

This is so sad.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, KMB said:

I want to see and hear him, but I don't think I am ready.

I'm glad you were able to get a copy of the video, it's comforting knowing you have it when you are ready.  

[KayC]

Andy,

I know how you feel, it's how I feel about my kids.  I have very little contact with my daughter and not enough with my son for my liking, but at least I know they're there, the possibility exists...I can't imagine losing a child.  I know someone going through the loss of her daughter and her husband both, it's overwhelming.

fzald,

You gave her life and happiness, and even though she didn't get to enjoy it nearly long enough, the fact is, you made her the happiest she ever was in her life.  The same is true for George and I.  It took us way longer to find each other, but I have a card above my computer from George and it says,

"Little One, You are the one who made it all come true for me...you're the BEST! ♥ TAT (thru all time) George "

That says it all, and he made it all come true for me too!  Enough to last me a lifetime in our short few years.

 

[Andy]

The last couple of days have been trying. I finally got word from my mortgage company. They'll help, but very, very little. Keeping my home will be possible, it'll take some creative adjustments, but after the loss of my Tracie, I don't really care about things like I used to. Satellite TV, phones with big data, a few other things, will all be jettisoned. I will do what I need to do to stay in OUR home. The thought of not being where we spent the better part of 11 years and the last 11 of her life, is just, unthinkable. I'm so tired. My mom understands, but my work, most of my friends, they don't fathom how utterly wiped out I am. Sometimes I think I could just collapse. It's like a line from a film I love, "I feel like to little butter spread across too much bread". I'm getting pulled and pushed in 50 different directions every day. Emotionally, physically, financially, needs of my family, the emotional commitment to my daughter, putting on the "normal" face for work, all the things that all of you here know about. 

So, I took this coming Friday off of work. My daughter will be busy, out of town, so I'm going somewhere. I don't know where, I don't know what I'll do, or if I'll stay overnight or come back home. I just need to go. My daughter (God bless her) said she'd stay, she'd stay just so I won't be alone. I love her so much. I told her to go, enjoy yourself with your friends, you need some away time. She said she didn't "want me to be alone". I told her that don't worry, that's the way it is for me now. Being alone. She's such a great girl, I know her mom is so proud, as I am, worried about her old dad. It is, though, such a lonely place. 

Andy

[KMB]

Andy, It has to be comforting that with adjustments, you will be able to stay in your home. Your comfort zone. Where your wife's essence surrounds you. I think that I would fall totally apart if I had no recourse but to move. Thank goodness that is one less worry, for both of us.

Take your day off from work and escape somewhere. It's touching your daughter is worried about you, but she is resilient and did give you her blessing. Getting away to a different environment for a bit can be a balm for the soul. Take care.

[Andy]

1 hour ago, KMB said:

Andy, It has to be comforting that with adjustments, you will be able to stay in your home. Your comfort zone. Where your wife's essence surrounds you. I think that I would fall totally apart if I had no recourse but to move. Thank goodness that is one less worry, for both of us.

Take your day off from work and escape somewhere. It's touching your daughter is worried about you, but she is resilient and did give you her blessing. Getting away to a different environment for a bit can be a balm for the soul. Take care.

KMB,

How right you are, if had no other choice but to move, I honestly don't know how I'd get by. It's a literal and figurative foundation for what's left of my previous life, and for the next chapter. It's my "safe" place, a place that is "ours", and yes, her essence, spirit, is all around me here. I'm also very happy you've been able to stay where you feel most comfortable, your home. 

My daughter is a blessing, she is amazing. She hurts, she's in so much pain, but doing so well at the same time. 

Bless you, 

Andy

[KMB]

Andy, Your daughter is coping well due to you and her mom's influence and love through her life. She is still interacting with her friends. They will help her see that she can still be involved with life, that she can do this for her mom , who would want that for her. For us adults, it is harder. Harder I feel because our loss makes us think of our own mortality.  We are not young people. We do not think we are invincible. We do think of our life as an adventure.

[KayC]

Andy,

I'm glad you'll get to stay in your home.  The other stuff doesn't matter, but if being where you shared your life with her brings you comfort, that's where you need to be.  I felt the same way.  Sometimes it hasn't always been easy.  I lost my job after George died, it was the start of the recession, I've lost my job three times since he died and the last time I said, that's it, I'm done, I retired.  The first week I found out I needed a new roof.  Then I got four bad medical diagnosis, had to have surgery, etc.  I've lived one day at a time and didn't know how I'd make it financially let alone survive all this, but guess what, I have.  It's been tight but I'm still here surviving.  Now with the obamacare dismantling I have the concern about losing my health insurance, but I've learned to not worry unduly about what you can't change, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do your best.

[HHFaith]

Well, today is the 2 month mark for me.  It's funny, I don't even remember the one month mark.  It seems like just yesterday, but at the same time seems like this happened a lifetime ago.  I don't think the full reality has set in.  The last few days I have just felt totally lost.  That's the only word to describe it.  I did some errands yesterday and found myself just walking around feeling "lost".  I got some things done but felt like it was someone else doing the errands, and I was just watching.  I still go between numbness one minute to crying uncontrollably the next minute.  I'm so physically drained and getting lots of headaches.  Trying my best to take care of myself but it's not easy.  My daughter has been my salvation.  I will be visiting her out in LA in a couple of weeks.  It is the first thing I have looked forward to.  Looking forward to seeing her and to some warm sunshine.  I hope for some more healing while I'm there so I can at least start thinking about getting my life somewhat back on track when I return.  I wish I could say that things are getting easier, but they are not.  I don't know if they are worse, but just different, just another phase in this seemingly never-ending journey.  I wish for peace, strength, and hope for us all.  

[fzald]

HH,

im glad you are finding yourself able to look forward to something. I am one month in myself and it feels like it has been many lifetimes. I don't know where i will be at my 2 month mark. I'm surprised I've made it this far but it already has been the worst experience of my entire life. In the past couple of days I have started sinking lower, the reality is starting to poke its ugly head in. 

I think almost everyone wishes or imagines or fantasizes that this isn't real at first. We still expect that call, text, visit, letter, whatever. We can't fully take in the loss. I know that even today I still wait for her call. It's probably even worse for people who face sudden death like I did with her. Sudden death brings with it another layer of pain, the fact that the last time you see them they're healthy and normal, versus those who have had the unfortunate experience of watching them deteriorate or suffer.

Enjoy your time with your daughter. Hopefully you can find some healing and comfort. I still believe we never get over this, we never stop hurting totally, we never "move on." But instead we adapt, we learn to live alongside the pain, to let it happen when it happens. 

[ModHerc]

HHFaith,

I hope your trip treats you well.  Having close family that understands the issues has helped me immensely.  Depending on where you are, California can be so beautiful.  Hoping you find the same peace, strength and hope you are wishing all of us,

Herc

[KMB]

HHFaith---Hang in there and find some enjoyment and peace for your soul on your upcoming trip. Your partner would want that for you.Give yourself a mental break while gone. Grieving our loss 24/7 is not easy. We all need to take little breaks if we can. You might be able to perceive this grief journey a little easier on your return.

[Nads]

It's been a while since I last posted. I have been trying to catch up with all posts here. 

HHFaith, I have just returned from a small getaway with my best friend. It started off really hard. I cried as the plane took off. Throughout the entire trip I kept thinking about him and how he would have reacted to things while there. I did try to make the most out of being there and I actually had moments where I laughed and enjoyed myself. Missing him was always lurking there though. It's like your grief follows you wherever you go but I have come to realize that it evolves and becomes bearable. I hope you try to find some enjoyment in your trip and live in the moment. 

I came back home to reality though...an empty house and more legal issues. It was good not to have these things on the forefront for a few days. But I miss him so much now. I found myself feeling guilty that I went on a trip without him. But I know he would have wanted me to go and enjoy myself. 

Andy, happy that you get to stay in your home that I'm sure was filled with so much love. I didn't get to do that as I had to get a new place but I okay with it now. 

Prayers, peace, love and strength to all my friends here...

[KMB]

Nads---I was thinking of you while you were gone, hoping you would have moments of peace. I have no doubt that your husband's spirit was along with you, giving you those moments of peace and enjoyment. Take care of yourself.

[Nads]

KMB, thanks for your support and thinking of me while I was away. Overall it was a good trip which I needed. I missed him terribly though but I have accepted that that is how it's always going to be. 

God bless

[Sadaf Nazim]

Hello friends, 

I haven't been here for a while. So I thought I should connect with you all.

It's the fourth month in since my love passed away. It's getting tougher for me. Everyone says that it gets less painful with time, I don't feel the same way. I realise that I have some responsibilities, some unfinished work to do before I die, and I am trying very hard to do them. But there is a deep hole in my heart, a deep silence in my life. And no matter what I do or where I go, it's always with me.

Earlier I used to cry a lot. Now, I don't cry that much. But the pain is more intense then it used to be in the early months. It's like I can't even cry now to take the pain out. I have become more silent. I don't talk much now. What should I talk about?  The same old thing that I miss him. How much would people take it? Same thing over and over again. 

Anyways, how are you all? We all have been given a really tough life. I pray for all of us to get through this. 

Much Love to you all. 

[fzald]

Sadaf,

I feel your pain. You're at 4 months, I'm only just past 1. It is getting worse. Mornings are still the worst time of day. Another whole day to live without her in it. Another whole day of pain and sadness.

Like you I am finding I can't cry either. I wish I could. It's not hot bursting pain like at first, where I could cry it out. Now it's just a persistent ache, a consistent pain deep inside me that I can't seem to relieve. No matter what I do.

she has been gone for 33 days now. I am still counting. The last time I saw her alive and well was 41 days ago. Only 41 days. So short and yet so long. The pain gets worse every day. 

I hope you find a little strength. I have to go to work today, but I don't know if I'll make it through the day. Yesterday I left early because I couldn't take it.

[KMB]

Sadaf, I have been wondering how you are doing. I am sorry that we all have to deal with personal loss and pain. You mention having a harder time at 4 months. I understand so well. I was told by others that the 6 month mark is the hardest. It is hard for anyone, no matter what month a person is in. By the time I was getting into the 5th month, I was crashing even more often. The shock, the denial, was wearing off. The permanence of my reality was hitting hard. i don't cry as much either, but when I do, it is a flood that is much more intense. It builds up over time, without me fully realizing what is happening. I am constantly sad and that sadness I guess overrides other emotions and in time it just has to break out. I don't talk to others too much myself. Too many think I should be beyond this tragedy by now. No one can put a time frame or rules to this grieving. It is mine and I will do this my way. So, I've been finding myself isolating a bit too much. I've been spending more time on this forum. Everyone here understands and, so unfortunately, going through the same ordeal. Sometimes I think to heck with the real world. The real world doesn't understand there are many of us dealing with loss of someone special. The real world hasn't stopped moving forward and is not waiting for me to catch up. I stay in my comfort zone and enter the real world when I have to or those moments when I feel I can.

Hang in there, Sadaf.  Prayers of comfort, love and peace to you.

[KayC]

On 3/1/2017 at 10:11 AM, HHFaith said:

It seems like just yesterday, but at the same time seems like this happened a lifetime ago.

Truer words were never spoken!
I hope for a time of comfort and healing as you visit your daughter.  This is a long journey, no need to hurry through it, take your time with it.

[KayC]

Nads,

I've no doubt he would want you to have some respite, I'm glad you got a chance to have a break.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

It's the fourth month in since my love passed away. It's getting tougher for me. Everyone says that it gets less painful with time, I don't feel the same way. I realise that I have some responsibilities, some unfinished work to do before I die, and I am trying very hard to do them. But there is a deep hole in my heart, a deep silence in my life. And no matter what I do or where I go, it's always with me.

Sadaf,

Four months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things.  Not long enough to process it, not long enough for the journey to become less painful...just long enough for reality to set in, for the shock to begin wearing off, leaving you with the brutal harsh realization that he's not here.

You mention that no matter what you do or where you go, it's with you.  Yes, that is how grief is, we carry it with us from that point on.  In time the thoughts of him that brought you pain in the beginning will bring you solace.  I can't tell you when this will happen, it's different for all of us, but it was much much longer than four months for me!  I think it took years for me, but don't let that scare you, like I said, we're all different.  Try not to be afraid of grief, it is not our enemy...losing them was.  Grief is just our journey of adjustment, and it does improve to something more tolerable...eventually.

They say six months is the hardest as that's when shock wears off and reality sets in...but it could be four months or seven months, there isn't an exact definite day we can pinpoint, like I say, it's different for everyone.  You may be at that point, which is why it's seeming harder right now.  But you will make your way through this.

I talk to my George.  He is with me, I carry him with me, it's not like it was when he could physically hold me or audibly answer me, but he'll always be part of me.

[Nads]

I'm just pass my four month mark. I'm still sad all the time but I do cry less. For me keeping myself occupied as much as I can seems to help. It's when I'm not as busy is when all the pain comes to the surface. Well this is my survival mechanism for now at least. I'm also aware that people probably think that I should be "getting over " my grief by now and are probably tired of me crying and talking about stan all the time. I have become a recluse in a way because I try to avoid people who I think I might be draining. I find myself just pretending I am okay and so people think I am when I'm really far from that. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. Next month will be our anniversary and I am afraid of dealing with that. Just the thought of it makes me so sad. I'm still dealing with this one day at a time. I miss him so much. 

Prayers to all

[Sadaf Nazim]

Fzald, kmb, kayC, nads

Thank you so much for your comforting words. 

[KayC]

Sadaf,

(((hugs)))

Nads,

I hope you have someone you can be real with and talk to.  We shouldn't have to pretend and wear a mask except maybe at work to keep our job.  It's unrealistic for people to expect us to be over it or okay!

[Nads]

I've been feeling so lost lately and I'm not sure why. I haven't been able to post much also because I can't seem to put into words how I'm feeling. Part of me feels like I'm disappointing Stan and I feel as though I am losing my connection to him, like he is drifting away from me. It scares me. I don't know how to fix this. I'm so confused and tired. 

[ModHerc]

Nads,

I am sure you aren't disappointing Stan.  I am so sorry about the chaos in all of our lives.  Anyone going through this would feel tired and confused, it is all just overwhelming.  Just when you think you may have a handle on things, some new challenge turns what you thought you knew upside down.  When I hit that Lost point, I go back to the basics.  I get a glass of water, try to eat something, and take one moment at a time.  Please take care of yourself.  Wishing you some moments of comfort,

Herc

[Nads]

Herc, you are so right when you say just when we have a handle on things another challenge comes up. That is how it has been from the moment Stan passed. It's just so exhausting. I feel weak. I am getting rest and eating fairly well. I'm just so sad. I just spent some time reading our messages to each other. It actually put a smile on my face along with my sadness. Just from those messages one can tell just how much we loved each other. I miss him so much. 

Prayers to you my friend 

[soundmankeysman1]

Hey Nads,

From what I've read in the grief books, when we get real sad and low, it's just part of the cycle of mourning and healing.  We will have these kinds of days, and soon we'll have some good days too.  It's part of what we have to go through to find some kind of healing/balance in what has happened.  

This too shall pass, Darkest before the dawn; there's a lot of wisdom in those kinds of sayings.  

Mike

[KayC]

Nads,

I seriously doubt he's disappointed in you.  Back when they were alive and we had these "if one of us died the other would..." discussions, we had not a clue what it'd really be like.  If they told us they wouldn't want us to sit around and weep...well that was them telling us something about an "if" scenario they knew nothing about!  If they've watched us going through this, they KNOW now how hard it is and I'm sure their hearts go out to us.  I'm sure they want to surround us with their love any way they can and are probably trying their darnedest to get through to us that they're here and they love us and care for us!  Don't be surprised if someday you feel a tear trickle down that you didn't cry.  I think they're proud of us, we're doing the hardest thing in the world there is to do.  We're living this moment.

[Andy]

Hello everyone,

It's been 2-3 days since I've posted. My "free" weekend didn't really amount to much. I racked up a few miles driving, sort of without a defined destination. I've realized that while I enjoy the driving itself, I'm basically a ship without stars to navigate by. I'm searching for meaning, for a point. Half of who I am, who I became, who I was happy to remain as, is gone, so it's rather obvious that I'm looking for my other "self". Of course I didn't find that, but I think by acknowledging my motivations and the true source of this new type of "wanderlust", I'll come closer to finding my way. My grief hasn't diminished, but it's becoming more of my life now, and that's such a sad realization. Where once I had a sense of harmony, comfort, security and contentment, I now have an emptiness, the agony of helplessness. I miss her so much, I want my wife to come back home to make this all better. I know that isn't going to happen, so I'm left with some fairly bleak reality checks. Nothing you guys here haven't felt or experienced. I'll keep moving, living as best as I can, and I'll keep "looking". As long as I look, I'm engaging in possibilities, hopefully some will be for the better. Next weekend, there's a state wide "yard sale" that we enjoyed a couple of times, so I'm going to do that. The month of April promises the real beginning of car show season, I'll join in on some of those. I don't find much anticipation, but I think it's best that as long as keep up the part of "living", it might actually start to feel like "living". Not to mention that my daughter really needs to see me active, she needs to think/know I'm "okay". Whether I am or not is irrelevant, she needs to believe daddy's going to be ok. Maybe that's all that matters anyway. I don't know. This is all so hard, the outlook so uncertain. I'll keep my eyes on the horizon though. 

Bless you all, friends, all of you,

Andy

[ModHerc]

Andy,

First, I am glad that you enjoyed the driving.  Even finding those small moments of enjoyment can be difficult for me at times, and it is good to see you at least have that.  There are stars out there for us to navigate by, but it is an alien sky, and it will take us time to make sense of them.  Or maybe we never will be able to, I know I am far too early in my journey to say for certain either way.

I am constantly looking as well, and I think that is one of the healthiest things we can do.  We probably wont be able to find our old selves, but we may discover some good parts of the new ones that we didn't think about.  I am sure your daughter sees a wonderful, strong man, who while he may not be "Ok", is finding the way to continue in this strange new world.

Wanderlust is an interesting term.  It indicates a passion or strong desire to travel.  I don't think you have really found anything you are passionate about other than caring for and helping your daughter just yet, but maybe this is the first glimmer of something you could become passionate about.  It is a term I have liked for a long time, one that I really embraced after thinking about it based on a character in a series of books I enjoyed.  Wishing you safe journeys, and the energy to keep looking for as long as is needed,

Herc

[KMB]

Andy, Your freebie weekend was for you. You needed that opportunity to get away from the *familiar*. We need to take breaks to get away from what our own grieving is leaving in the atmosphere. I took a drive yesterday afternoon. Not a great weather day, very windy, which showed up in the gas usage. But I picked up a few groceries along the way and decided to take an alternate route home. Just because. Just because when my husband drove, he would do the same. Take different roads and see different scenery. Even though, when I returned home I had to face reality again, that break did help.

[Andy]

2 hours ago, Herc said:

Andy,

First, I am glad that you enjoyed the driving.  Even finding those small moments of enjoyment can be difficult for me at times, and it is good to see you at least have that.  There are stars out there for us to navigate by, but it is an alien sky, and it will take us time to make sense of them.  Or maybe we never will be able to, I know I am far too early in my journey to say for certain either way.

I am constantly looking as well, and I think that is one of the healthiest things we can do.  We probably wont be able to find our old selves, but we may discover some good parts of the new ones that we didn't think about.  I am sure your daughter sees a wonderful, strong man, who while he may not be "Ok", is finding the way to continue in this strange new world.

Wanderlust is an interesting term.  It indicates a passion or strong desire to travel.  I don't think you have really found anything you are passionate about other than caring for and helping your daughter just yet, but maybe this is the first glimmer of something you could become passionate about.  It is a term I have liked for a long time, one that I really embraced after thinking about it based on a character in a series of books I enjoyed.  Wishing you safe journeys, and the energy to keep looking for as long as is needed,

Herc

Thank you Herc,

Indeed, wanderlust has been in my blood for awhile, a byproduct of growing up an Airforce "brat", moving around constantly. I like the term also, and same here, it was a character in a series I'd read many years ago (I'll just say "Kender" perhaps?).  I like your "alien" sky analogy, very appropriate, everything is alien now, scary, strange and foreign all at the same time. I have a few things I'm enthusiastic about, my geek interests, my attempts at photography and the aforementioned car thing. I just need to be excited again, to actually look forward to those things. I think I will. They've always been part of who I am, my wife certainly encouraged and "allowed" me to persue my goofy ways. She was amazing. 

Thank you friend,

Andy 

[Andy]

54 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy, Your freebie weekend was for you. You needed that opportunity to get away from the *familiar*. We need to take breaks to get away from what our own grieving is leaving in the atmosphere. I took a drive yesterday afternoon. Not a great weather day, very windy, which showed up in the gas usage. But I picked up a few groceries along the way and decided to take an alternate route home. Just because. Just because when my husband drove, he would do the same. Take different roads and see different scenery. Even though, when I returned home I had to face reality again, that break did help.

KMB,

Youre absolutely correct about getting away from the familiar, the norm if you will. I need that. As much as I cherish our home, I feel like I have to get away to sort of decompress, to clear my mind. With the presence of so many memories and the still raw feelings of my grief, it helps to sort of "unplug" for a little bit. Not disconnect, just drift awhile. No fighting a current of expectation or deliberate coping, just allowing myself to be guided by a more "base" level of instinct. Not sure if that makes sense, but that's kind of how I think about it. 

And I have no idea where you live, but the wind here was HORRIBLE! I hate wind, especially cold wind. Miserable. Ugh. 

Thank you, love and hugs,

Andy

[KayC]

Andy, you set out, you tried, you did it!  That's worth a lot.

We've had snow and biting wind and the wind blew the snow all over, covering my 30' patio and the dog's pen in spite of their roofs.  It also blew the tarp off my firewood so I had to trek out there in 14" new snow and cover it back up, now it's all wet.    The wind wasn't bad until they clear cut the area behind the end of the street, now it comes up through the canyon and blows through here.

[Nads]

I've been down with the flu for the past couple of days. It's a sad realization that I have come to that I am truly alone now. Stan would be there taking care of me if he was here. Now I have to survive all on my own. Yes I have family and friends who would come by but at the end of it I am alone. I miss him so much. He was such a loving person. I could just picture him bringing me a cup of tea right now to make me feel better. I did manage to get to work today but had a hard day, physically and emotionally. I am here in bed now and feel overwhelmed with sadness. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself but I hate that I was cheated. This is all so unfair. Why did he have to die?? Why did any of us here have to lose our love? Sometimes I feel like I have it together and then I'm all lost again. I feel like I'm losing myself. I just don't know. Forgive me if my rant seems to not make sense. 

Bless us all. 

[ModHerc]

On 3/5/2017 at 2:35 PM, Andy said:

Thank you Herc,

Indeed, wanderlust has been in my blood for awhile, a byproduct of growing up an Airforce "brat", moving around constantly. I like the term also, and same here, it was a character in a series I'd read many years ago (I'll just say "Kender" perhaps?).  I like your "alien" sky analogy, very appropriate, everything is alien now, scary, strange and foreign all at the same time. I have a few things I'm enthusiastic about, my geek interests, my attempts at photography and the aforementioned car thing. I just need to be excited again, to actually look forward to those things. I think I will. They've always been part of who I am, my wife certainly encouraged and "allowed" me to persue my goofy ways. She was amazing. 

Thank you friend,

Andy 

Andy,

Yes, Tas was one of my favorites.  Him, Flint, and Sturm.  I so get that needing to be excited again.  I was a huge video game junkie.  Since her passing I haven't been able to play anything.  I just sit holding the controller staring at the screen.  It is one of the few mental hang ups I am allowing myself.  The others I find a way to push through, solve, work around, or cope with because I have to.  That one I just can't. Christine would allow me my hobbies as well, but when she would get frustrated she would tell me "I think you love those video games more than you love me".  It is absurd of course, and she even said it in a joking, loving way.  But when I sit down to play now, I think about the hours lost that could've been spent with her, and my fingers just don't work right any more.  To two amazing women,

Herc

[Andy]

KayC, wow! We just have wind and relative chill, nothing remotely like what you're getting. I'm deep south, it sounds like where your at is beautiful. If we see a dusting of snow, we act like the apocalypse is around the corner. And yeah, I did get out. Hit a few spots, distant enough to provide a nice drive, but not so far that I couldn't return home the same day. 

Nads, I hope your "bug" lets go and you start feeling better. Nothing like piling on to the misery. I feel the same about not having someone to take care of me now. 2 or 3 days ago, I nearly slipped and fell in the shower, and it made me think about some things. If I fell and broke my leg and my phone was on the charger in another room, what then? If I'd hit my head and was laying there for hours, who would notice I was absent? Who would call for me? It actually scared me a little. I don't think we're losing ourselves, I think we may be trying to find ourselves. Our identities have been forever changed, so we have to somehow adapt, accept, and adopt a new "us". That's equally as trying and emotionally draining as "losing" ourselves. Finding that "new" is pretty damn miserable. I was perfectly happy with who I was, I had no reason to change, life was good. All of us here know how that worked out. Why indeed? Why did they pass away, leaving us alone with all this grief? Not their doing of course, but painful nonetheless. I believe, especially in circumstances like our own, that feeling sorry for ourselves is perfectly fine. My goodness, we have every reason to feel bad about our situations. We've lost half of our identity, half of our future, half of our dreams. So you know what? Feel sorry for yourself, I know I feel that way quite often. 

Herc, two wonderful ladies, absolutely. I wonder if they've "met" and are sharing embarrassing stories? I like the idea in any event. I'm going to continue to go out and do "stuff". I'm hoping that eventually, as time goes on, I'll start to replace the constant sorrow with genuine happiness. I'm sure it'll be diminished, but any sort of "joy" will be better than what I'm feeling now. It has to. I have a million movies and tv series I'm behind on, but I can't bring myself to watch. I think it's because to watch them now would elicit no pleasure, no happiness. I'll wait until I'm in a better place to engage in that again. Oh yeah, in another "realm", I'm a big fan of "Drizzt"   My geekdom goes WAY back and was encouraged (read tolerated) by my wife. She was a patient soul. God how I miss her. 

KayC, Nads, Herc, bless you all, my love and friendship, 

Andy

[ModHerc]

Nads,

Your rant makes perfect sense.  I'm so sorry Stan isn't there to tend to you.  I hope you made yourself a cup of tea, and pampered yourself at least a little.  You deserve it.  Hoping you get feeling better soon,

Herc

[ModHerc]

KayC,

Wet wood in the middle of a serious snow storm, ugh.  I'm sure you'll keep the fire going hot enough that it will catch.  I just hope the smokes not too bad.  Wish I could throw a couple of shovel fulls for you,

Herc

[KayC]

Oh Nads,  I'm so sorry!  You have every right to feel sorry for yourself, when we're sick, we do, and then to not have him here to take care of you, it's just all the harder!  I hope you get better soon!  Rant away, you'e entitled!

Herc, It's been cold enough here that the snow did not soak into the wood, I was able to brush it off, no damage, just more work.

12 hours ago, Andy said:

If we see a dusting of snow, we act like the apocalypse is around the corner.

Haha, I had to laugh!   That's how it is in Eugene, people don't know how to drive if they get an inch of snow!  Here it can be feet, not a mere inch.  I shoveled so hard and so long yesterday I am all stove up today.  The dog even played hard in it and isn't moving today.  Today I hope to rest after my volunteer work at the senior site...the rest of the week looks too busy for rest.  I'm glad rain is coming (it's still snowing) although 2"/day and 2"/night sounds like too much for the ground to absorb.  I hope they're wrong about the amounts.
 

[Andy]

Just the mention of snow creates a run on milk, bread and gasoline. Right now it's 72 with a projected high of 78, no wind, nice humidity. Once spring and summer hit, it'll be 100 with 90% humidity. Brutal. But, I love it. Too much snow or grey skies would be overwhelming I think. I love the green trees and grass, the blue skies. I consider those Gods masterpieces of color combinations. I hope you don't get too much rain, and I certainly hope you get the aches to ease off. 

Love,

Andy

[Nads]

I had a hard day at work today. This morning one of my colleagues was telling me she was having a pain in her shoulder and suspected it was some sort of muscle injury. She seemed to be in obvious discomfort. I told her she should she a doctor but she dismissed it as nothing serious. About half an hour later I heard a loud thump and when I ran over I saw her on the floor passed out. I froze for a few seconds because in that instant everything that I went through went I saw Stan on the floor just came rushing back. I started to tremble uncontrollably. My other colleagues got there by then. I immediately snapped out of it and called the paramedics while my colleagues tried to revive her. She came to and i was able to do everything the paramedic on phone instructed me too. I stayed on the line with him till the ambulance arrived to take her. I followed her to the hospital with another colleague of mine. They did a series of tests and kept her for observation. Luckily it seems she will be okay but has a lot of follow up tests to do. It seems to be a heart condition of some sort. I am relieved for her and hope she is eventually alright. 

After it all though I felt weak. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm thinking about how stan didn't even get a chance. How unfair. Why do some get while others don't? I'm glad that my colleague will be alright but I couldn't help but think this. I'm sorry for thinking like this. I just so shaken by it all and it has pulled the scars of my wounds so now everything feels so raw and fresh. I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight and I don't know why. I'm so uneasy. 

On the brighter side, I'm feeling much better and I think the flu is gone. Thanks for all the support. I feel I'm not able to offer anyone here any help at all these days but know I am here reading, listening and praying for us all.

 

[ModHerc]

Nads,

I was going to refrain from pointing out the irony of someone who saved a life saying she couldn't offer any help, but I think it bears mention.  Courage isn't being fearless, it is being strong enough to act even when you are afraid.  You are courageous.

I am also so sorry that Stan didn't have that chance, or Christine.  It is unfair, and we are not bad people for thinking that.  We aren't wishing ill on your coworker or anyone else, we just want our loved ones back, which is absolutely fine and completely understandable.

I'm so glad you are feeling better physically.  I am sorry your experience shook you up.  I hope you sleep the sleep of heros tonight, for you are heroic,

Herc

[Andy]

Nads,

I don't know what I would've done in that situation, but you did great. As Herc pointed out, your actions proved to be the relevant course, not your fear or anxiety. I imagine Stan is proud, probably bragging about you, "that's my girl!"  

I think it's quite natural to question why it was OUR loved one who was taken and not someone else, or why someone gets a "second" chance, but not our parter? I've done that with our 18 year old dog. I'm still having trouble accepting that this frail dog (greatest dog ever) is still here, but my wife isn't. It's surreal sometimes. 

I hope you find some rest tonight. Being uneasy, shaken up, completely understandable. You witnessed what could've been a very bad episode and of course it triggered all of those painful emotions. Your "body" relives that grief just as much as your "mind" does. 

You did very well today. Get some rest now and hang in there, I'll be thinking of you. 

Andy 

[KMB]

Nads, I hope you were able to get some much needed sleep. I don't know what I would have done in your situation with your co-worker. I'd like to think I would have done something helpful, instead of maybe feeling frozen in fear. You were courageous, brave. You got over the immediate fear and went into action. Stan is so proud of you!

[KayC]

Nads,

What a hard experience to go through!  I hope your colleague will be okay.  Your feelings are so normal!  All of us have wondered why some get a chance and others (ours) did not.  It's natural to wonder that...and yet really, one has nothing to do with the other.  They are separate experiences.  That first year I wondered "why" but never got an answer, I finally quit asking, it did no good and only caused me distress.  No answer...

It surely was a trigger as you remembered.  I'm glad you still had presence of mind to call for help and to aid her.  Bless your heart!  I'm sure it left you feeling quite shaken. 

I'm glad you are feeling better physically.  I agree with KMB, Stan has to be so proud of you!

[Nads]

KayC, KMB, Andy, Herc...thank you all for such comforting words. God bless you all.