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Andy

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I see what you mean, and perhaps I'm not very good at explaining my thoughts. I never meant to imply that our suffering somehow provides insight into how much we love, but I was suggesting that it's the intensity of our suffering that stands as testament to that love, hence the "no cost, no value" sentiment. If the love I shared and recieved from my wife was like a casual acquaintance or good friend, then no doubt this pain would be nothing like I'm experiencing now. And like you, our early years we're much more "normal", full of things that young people do, little road trips, chasing our little girl around, vacations, being in "the moment". A series of events, tied to her childhood, led to a change in her emotional and psychological well being. Without getting to specific, she suffered a psychotic break, and for the last 10 years of her life, my role changed, our marriage changed. I had actually grieved, without realizing it, the "passing" of this life and the transition of this new one. Without hesitation or a second thought, I took my place at her side, held her hand, and did what I had been appointed to do. My emotions have gone through a complex transition through these years, I'm riddled with guilt, remorse, inadequacy, self doubt, anxiety, and helplessness. The sorrow of watching my vibrant, love filled wife, devoted mother, and so enchanting with her magic, change into someone who's daily life would filled with deep, clinical, depression of a ever severe nature. It was with such anguish as I watched my beloved Tracie became something else, still my wife, no diminishing of our love for one another, but unable to express her emotions as she had before, unable (most heartbreaking) to "be" the mom she so desperately wanted to be, to not be a "good" wife (as she often told me), to regress as the years went by. I'm crying now, just thinking of her personal journey, how it must have been for her, how she suffered with her self identity. My reassurances to the contrary, I pray, got through to her, made her realize that regardless of how things were, I loved her no less, I would be there forever. I'd never leave her side, I was HAPPY to just be with her. Our marriage during those years wasn't conventional, it was at times difficult, it was hard for all of us. Mental illness is an isidious creature that has this voracious appetite that NEVER stops. It never relents, it changes form, comes at different directions, keeps assaulting you. My heart broke years before she died, because in some ways (God forgive me for saying so), part of her had already passed. My hope, my fervent desire was that eventually she would come back to me, that through our aging together, spending more time together away from parenting or work, I could help bring back the girl she was, not for me, not for our marriage, but for her. I desperately wanted her mind to be clear, free of demons. My grief started before December 31st, but now the finality of no chance for her "return", no chance for our tomorrow of rediscovery, is real. My hope is gone. I hate myself for missing her while she was here, I hate myself for thinking I had some power to heal her, convincing myself that I had a chance. These ideas I have about sorrow and love, life and death, balance of both, you see, they're feeble attempts at trying to grapple with these layers upon layers of complex feelings. Emotions that hit me a thousand different ways everyday. My wife suffered in ways I'll never understand, and she was taken away, after fighting everyday of the last 10 years, winning battle after battle, victory over a desire to give up. And she died. Not because of her long term illnesses, but something completely unexpected. What? How is this possible? What is fair about this? I. Don't. Understand. My miserable attempts at explaining my feelings and ideas are just ways for me to try and create order out of chaos. Forgive me, I'm sorry, I didn't intend to say as much about her personal fight, but I thought it would shed light on one aspect of what I'm feeling and what I'm faced with. 

Thank you and bless you    

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Andy,

I think you've conveyed your feelings very well.  You're a very deep loving person, the love you have for your wife is very clear, very beautiful.  I love what you said, 

23 minutes ago, Andy said:

My hope, my fervent desire was that eventually she would come back to me, that through our aging together, spending more time together away from parenting or work, I could help bring back the girl she was, not for me, not for our marriage, but for her.

It is hard for the person that is ridden with illness, they feel their identity changes, I remember my MIL lamenting over that, worrying that her husband wouldn't see her as a woman, but just as a sick person, but I think he always saw her as his wife, as the beautiful bride he married, no matter what changes took place.  Your caring about your wife the way you do really touches me inside.

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Andy,  I feel for you so very much. I feel you went through more hell than I, in watching the changes in your wife. My husband's changes were physical. I watched a strong, active man become old and frail over a matter of a few years. I kept my fears and tears to myself. Could not believe the changes that were seemingly there overnight. My husband was stoic about the changes, never complained, except once in a while he would curse at his physical limitations when I needed help that only a male and his muscles could provide. I usually had to wait on a friend to help us or for my stepson to come home from work. i can only imagine the helplessness/uselessness my husband felt at not being able to physically do what he had been used to doing for years.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy,

I think you've conveyed your feelings very well.  You're a very deep loving person, the love you have for your wife is very clear, very beautiful.  I love what you said, 

It is hard for the person that is ridden with illness, they feel their identity changes, I remember my MIL lamenting over that, worrying that her husband wouldn't see her as a woman, but just as a sick person, but I think he always saw her as his wife, as the beautiful bride he married, no matter what changes took place.  Your caring about your wife the way you do really touches me inside.

KayC, thank you. That means so much, recognizing that I love her so much, my efforts were soley out of compassion and a reaffirmation of my vows. Thank you, you're so kind and sweet. 

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Andy,  I feel for you so very much. I feel you went through more hell than I, in watching the changes in your wife. My husband's changes were physical. I watched a strong, active man become old and frail over a matter of a few years. I kept my fears and tears to myself. Could not believe the changes that were seemingly there overnight. My husband was stoic about the changes, never complained, except once in a while he would curse at his physical limitations when I needed help that only a male and his muscles could provide. I usually had to wait on a friend to help us or for my stepson to come home from work. i can only imagine the helplessness/uselessness my husband felt at not being able to physically do what he had been used to doing for years.

I think we've both had our share of hell. None greater than another. My wife felt so much like your husband, feeling so useless at times. There were certain times, when the illness was especially relentless, she would say "I don't even know why I'm here", and worst of all,  "I wish I would die". That's a horrible thing to hear coming from your true love. I was saddened by what horrible things she dealt with daily, and to actually prefer the idea of dying over living? That had to have been a terrible thing for her to feel. It hurts me now, it'll hurt till I die. I will say that, she never gave into those thoughts, she remained a fighter until the very end. I miss her so much. I went to her grave today. I just talked. I can talk to her anywhere, but if I need a focus for what I need to say to her, her gravesite is where I go. Took flowers, she loves flowers. 

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Jeff In Denver

Andy, I'm sorry that you, too, are dealing with such a huge loss.

"What I feel, daily, is an indescribable sensation of utter sorrow, despair and complete loneliness."

How true.  This the world of all of us who have lost the most important person in our lives.

Grief is love turned inside out.

I can't offer anything that will help, except to say that there is a great group of caring people here with firsthand knowledge of this hell who will listen to you.  Let me add that what helped skeptical me is the partial belief that this might not in fact be the end.

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soundmankeysman1

Andy, time will heal.  Each day you make it through, is another day you've made it through.  After a while it becomes weeks you've made it through, then months.  I'm hoping the joy and happiness and good memories will then start coming back, without all the gut-wrenching tears.  It's a dagger to the heart, the soul.  And right now, so soon after the injury; it's still raw, painful, and open to all kinds of irritants.  And that is how I imagine my heart/grief is at this point in time.  It's been almost 4 months, and it's up and down; good and bad, every which way but loose.  I can almost see a little light ahead; but really, I think it's more like how the day begins from darkness to sunup.  It's such a gradual shift, it's hard to see.  That's my take on it; hope it helps you.  

Mike

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On 1/27/2017 at 11:29 AM, Andy said:

I'm new here, never knew this site existed before yesterday. Not a "lurker", so I'm not exactly sure how or what I should say. I know I'm wanting to express my grief in a supportive atmosphere, communicate with others who belong to this terrible "club", this most bewildering of places. 

On December 31st, 2016, my wife of 24 years, 5 months, age 42, passed away unexpectedly. We have a 20 year old daughter and an adopted 23 year old daughter, but she's been largely absent from our lives for the last 8 years. I have my parents, and that's it basically as far as my family is concerned. What I feel, daily, is an indescribable sensation of utter sorrow, despair and complete loneliness. Nothing anyone here hasn't experienced, I'm sure, but knowing that doesn't lessen the pain. Seeing others go through and survive this is a comfort, and I take those "lessons" to heart. I miss her everyday, I still text her phone, I still question reality, "Is this real? Will she come back? Will I wake from this?" I know she's gone (her mortal form), I know she isn't coming back, but the truth is almost too much for me to accept. But I do. My daughter lost her mom, so her grief is every bit as accute as mine, but from a different perspective. One day, my daughter may get married, may have children, but all without her mom. As a dad, it crushes me that I can't "fix" that. I can't make that better. Everyday has presented new challenges, financial issues, emotional side effects, anxiety, worries where none existed before, and waves of despair that cover me in anguish and a flood of tears. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were supposed to grow old together, start being a "couple" again, post parent planning beginning to happen. I found out, in a very real way, that tomorrow is a lovely idea, a wish and a hope, but it doesn't exist. 

Thank you, I have more to say, and I hope I can help someone or someone can help me. Bless you all. 

Andy, first of all I am truly sorry for your loss and what you are going through.  Second I have to tell you I was startled by how amazingly similar to my own situation yours is.  I am hurting horribly right along with you.  My husband died a few days before your wife.  He had cancer so we knew eventually it would win...but he died suddenly of a massive stroke on Christmas Day.  We have two daughters, 21 and 23.  We were together 30 years but married 24...

It's amazing the similarities to what you feel, so much so that I could have written it myself.

The slight difference is I am the one who fights depression and has other health problems.  We were supposed to grow old together, that's what I was always fighting my health for....and tomorrow is gone.

I wish I had helpful advice but I am absorbing it right along side you.

Take care of yourself.

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4 hours ago, Stonesie said:

Andy, first of all I am truly sorry for your loss and what you are going through.  Second I have to tell you I was startled by how amazingly similar to my own situation yours is.  I am hurting horribly right along with you.  My husband died a few days before your wife.  He had cancer so we knew eventually it would win...but he died suddenly of a massive stroke on Christmas Day.  We have two daughters, 21 and 23.  We were together 30 years but married 24...

It's amazing the similarities to what you feel, so much so that I could have written it myself.

The slight difference is I am the one who fights depression and has other health problems.  We were supposed to grow old together, that's what I was always fighting my health for....and tomorrow is gone.

I wish I had helpful advice but I am absorbing it right along side you.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you, and let me say that I'm truly sorry for not only your loss, but what I know has been and will be the added dimensions of the greater burden to your health and depression. Having lived along side those things, I have some understanding of what you must be suffering. I wish that I had the words that could convey a sense of comfort or peace. I'm afraid I don't. I will say that I've come to see "tomorrow" as neither gone or certain, it's just a hope. A possibility. As long as those two things exist, then there's a chance, small though it may seem, that we will find peace. A kind of harmony between grief and acceptance. With this unwanted wisdom we now have, we can hope to help others. 

Thank you for sharing with me, I know the difficulty, and you've touched me. 

And you also, please take care

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10 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Andy, I'm sorry that you, too, are dealing with such a huge loss.

"What I feel, daily, is an indescribable sensation of utter sorrow, despair and complete loneliness."

How true.  This the world of all of us who have lost the most important person in our lives.

Grief is love turned inside out.

I can't offer anything that will help, except to say that there is a great group of caring people here with firsthand knowledge of this hell who will listen to you.  Let me add that what helped skeptical me is the partial belief that this might not in fact be the end.

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a great deal. "Grief is love turned inside out", how true this is. 

A note about your skepticism, I fully and wholly believe that when people come to a point of belief, non belief, agnosticism, whatever, it's a personal journey, and I judge not. I will say, and I don't wish to get personal here, but I have had some "experiences" that I have accepted as confirmation of things I was sure of before, but now there is NO doubt. I'm not looking to make sense of this tragedy, I'm not seeking answers to questions I know I won't get an answer to, but I've have seen things that leave no room for doubt, they have come at critical moments that a minute in either direction would render them meaningless. All I'm saying is that if you have even the slightest notion or your open to the idea of "more", then I'd like to tell you that for me, the way I understand things, then yes, there is much, much more. 

Thank you and take care

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9 hours ago, soundmankeysman1 said:

Andy, time will heal.  Each day you make it through, is another day you've made it through.  After a while it becomes weeks you've made it through, then months.  I'm hoping the joy and happiness and good memories will then start coming back, without all the gut-wrenching tears.  It's a dagger to the heart, the soul.  And right now, so soon after the injury; it's still raw, painful, and open to all kinds of irritants.  And that is how I imagine my heart/grief is at this point in time.  It's been almost 4 months, and it's up and down; good and bad, every which way but loose.  I can almost see a little light ahead; but really, I think it's more like how the day begins from darkness to sunup.  It's such a gradual shift, it's hard to see.  That's my take on it; hope it helps you.  

Mike

Mike, thank you. I dreading the days and months ahead. I still trying to sort this out, for my daughter, myself, what the rest of my life will look like. I appreciate so much you and all the others willing to extend words of encouragement, to a total stranger. It's value is truly priceless. 

Please take care and be safe

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Mike,

I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you've found this place, it seems to help just knowing someone understands what we're going through and this is a place we can have that.

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soundmankeysman1
19 minutes ago, Andy said:

Mike, thank you. I dreading the days and months ahead.

Hey Andy,

Don't worry about the days and months ahead.  Just concentrate on getting through today.  Those days and months ahead can be dealt with when/if they arrive.

 

Mike

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On 1/28/2017 at 2:20 PM, Andy said:

We decide for ourselves that I will love this person, I will honor and respect them, care for them, expose my heart and vulnerability to them, willingly and unconditionally. It's such a glorious thing, two people, complete strangers, that find each other and fall in love. I grieve for my missing half and all she represented, all the promises kept and those never to be realized. I marvel at this process of giving ourselves over so completely to another person, entrusting our innermost fears, desires, insecurities and dreams to someone NOT our family, not our blood. It's glorious, and I realize now how precious and rare that is. How truly special it is to find that, that one person who allows you to be "you", needs you as much as you need them. How do you find that, get to keep and treasure that, and then lose that? How is anything ever going to be okay after that? I've had what so many people write songs and poetry about, and now it's gone. The songs, the symmetry of life, the poetry of living, they're gone. Or I can't hear or see them anymore. How do you do this?  

Andy,

No one could have said it any better; so on point and so true.  I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that my husband of nearly 45 years is never coming back.  After those many years together (and I am so grateful for them) we were as much, (no more) in love as we were we first fell in love.   We told each other everything; we were each other's strength and was always there for one another  -  no matter what.  He would sometimes joke around saying we needed to write a book and name it the "Good Marriage".     How do you do this, you ask?  Well, one way I do it is by never forgetting the memories.  No one and nothing can ever take them away because they are tucked away in a special place in my spirit.  Sometimes when I'm feeling at my lowest, I visit that place and am comforted by knowing what we had will always be; knowing the love we shared is forever; knowing I will see him again and when I do, we will never be apart again.  That is going to be a hell of a moment - an AMAZING moment.  Until then, I'm gonna pain, hurt, cry (as we all do) to get me through.  I know my husband would not want me to but, we are only human.

God Bless you and keep you safe

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Thank you both, KayC and Mike. Advice from those within is so important and I take everything to heart. 

Bless you both

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Mike, My condolences to you. I have to say, it brings me more pain when I see someone new joining on. This whole world is filled with pain of loss. I often wonder why this planet hasn't shifted from the weight of all our tears and heavy hearts.  I hope you find some measure of comfort and solace here with us. This forum has become my lifeline and I hope it becomes yours also.

Everyone else here----Thank you all for being here and all of your support. Without this forum and all of you, I truly don't know where I would be.

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Jeff In Denver
42 minutes ago, KMB said:

Mike, My condolences to you. I have to say, it brings me more pain when I see someone new joining on. This whole world is filled with pain of loss. I often wonder why this planet hasn't shifted from the weight of all our tears and heavy hearts.  I hope you find some measure of comfort and solace here with us. This forum has become my lifeline and I hope it becomes yours also.

Everyone else here----Thank you all for being here and all of your support. Without this forum and all of you, I truly don't know where I would be.

Well, said, KMB.  Also, Andy, I was struck by your saying something along the lines of hating yourself because you thought you could heal her.  I hope you re-think that.  What you did was admirable and was an act of love. You did everything you could.

I lost my girlfriend to breast cancer, and was thinking that I could cure her - supplements, research, Chinese medicine, nutritionists, naturopaths, acupuncture, constant communication with her doctor, The Secret, medical marijuana (I hired a consultant), and more.  Nothing worked, and it wrecked me.  But I think I would feel a lot worse if I hadn't believed and hadn't tried.  Does that make sense?

You did the right thing.

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1 hour ago, Francine said:

Andy,

No one could have said it any better; so on point and so true.  I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that my husband of nearly 45 years is never coming back.  After those many years together (and I am so grateful for them) we were as much, (no more) in love as we were we first fell in love.   We told each other everything; we were each other's strength and was always there for one another  -  no matter what.  He would sometimes joke around saying we needed to write a book and name it the "Good Marriage".     How do you do this, you ask?  Well, one way I do it is by never forgetting the memories.  No one and nothing can ever take them away because they are tucked away in a special place in my spirit.  Sometimes when I'm feeling at my lowest, I visit that place and am comforted by knowing what we had will always be; knowing the love we shared is forever; knowing I will see him again and when I do, we will never be apart again.  That is going to be a hell of a moment - an AMAZING moment.  Until then, I'm gonna pain, hurt, cry (as we all do) to get me through.  I know my husband would not want me to but, we are only human.

God Bless you and keep you safe

Francine, 45 years. What an incredible journey you two must have had. The immensity of that valley you stand in must be tremendous. My 25 years has left me beaten and defeated, so my heart, all its tiny pieces, goes out to in support and shared empathy. "The Good Marriage" indeed! Cheers to you both, good and enduring.

Visiting and dwelling in days gone by will be my sanctuary, I'm sure. Words shared, feelings expressed, I'll cherish the good memories, learn from the not so good ones. I'll hold them all, good or bad, they make us who we are. 

Being human is quite a disadvantage, the idiot things I've done, the selfishness of my desires, my anger, pettiness, it's all part of my flaws. Striving to overcome them in the service of my beloved was what I think made me a better person, the man I hope my daughters believes me to be. So I accept my humanity, because like you, I know I'll be reunited with her. Experience HER again. What a lovely thought.

Thank you and God bless

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2 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Well, said, KMB.  Also, Andy, I was struck by your saying something along the lines of hating yourself because you thought you could heal her.  I hope you re-think that.  What you did was admirable and was an act of love. You did everything you could.

I lost my girlfriend to breast cancer, and was thinking that I could cure her - supplements, research, Chinese medicine, nutritionists, naturopaths, acupuncture, constant communication with her doctor, The Secret, medical marijuana (I hired a consultant), and more.  Nothing worked, and it wrecked me.  But I think I would feel a lot worse if I hadn't believed and hadn't tried.  Does that make sense?

You did the right thing.

It makes perfect sense, and I understand what you're saying. My self loathing stems from many things, but chief among them is not being able to save my daughters mom. The "Spock" side of my brain recognizes how illogical that is, I'm not a physician, not a miracle worker or some conjurer of magic, I'm just a man. BUT, the emotional side (the part that's broken) is taking blame. My job as dad is to "fix" things, to make things "okay". I failed myself, my wife, and our little girl. I know that's not correct, but I'm processing this the best I can. I've lost a lot of confidence in myself. I'm scared my daughter may lose what faith she had in me, and because I'm all she has, it tears me up that her world may be that more shaken because of that. I'm coping with this the best I can, it's easier some moments, horrible the next. 

Thank you for caring words and encouragement. I tried my best to care for my wife everyday, this is just a blow to my psyche that's got me staggered. You've helped by your words though, thank you.

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Thanks Andy,

Such satisfaction knowing how comforting and uplifting this website has been for me and (I hope) for all.   My prayer is for all on this site to find the strength needed at this most difficult time in our lives.  Peace be with us all.

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This website has been my only solace, my lifeline. It's the first thing l do when I wake on mornings and those sleepless nights, it's what keeps me company. I don't know where I be if I hadn't come across this site. Thanks to everyone one of you here for helping me through this.

I may not post as often because sometimes the words just don't come to me but I read as many as I can...and it helps more than you all may know or actually you might. 

Thank you all and God bless. 

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Nads and Francine, yes, I feel exactly the way you both do. I'm a relative new comer here, but I feel so welcome and embraced. Fellow travelers indeed, we "see" in each other what others, fortunately for them, can't see. It's such a comfort. 

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Nads, i feel the same as you and all the others here. I posted on another thread this morning and expressed my thanks to everyone. This site is also my lifeline. I have so little access to *local* support. A person sure finds out who their real friends are and that includes family unfortunately.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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39 minutes ago, KMB said:

Nads, i feel the same as you and all the others here. I posted on another thread this morning and expressed my thanks to everyone. This site is also my lifeline. I have so little access to *local* support. A person sure finds out who their real friends are and that includes family unfortunately.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's a lonely feeling after the arrangements, viewing/visitation, funeral is over. Family and friends have lives to go back to, their own concerns. People generally are sincere at the time they offer the universal "You need anything, just let me know" sentiment. I've said it. But the fact is, I don't want to burden anybody with my grief, I don't even really know how to ask, and finally, most times, I don't know WHAT I need. I've it said before, I feel diseased. People aren't sure what to say, so they say nothing. I'm not sure how to approach anyone, I'm not ready for shop talk or casual conversation. So I'm the guy who gets avoided. There are a few who used to talk to me, on a daily basis, but now won't look me in the eye. I don't hold anything against them, I can't. I was probably like them, so I'm in no position to judge them. Also, as I've stated before, my family is very small. My parents are gems, and if not for them, I'm afraid I would be in a much worse state. My daughter is a source of comfort and personal motivation, but I will not burden her with MY sorrow, she has her own. I'm dad, I'm here for her, I can cry like a baby, alone, but with her, she needs to feel free to cry and have something "solid" she can still count on. My best friend, who lost his 64 year old father suddenly and unexpectedly a mere 3 weeks before my wife passed, has been a blessing of rare quality. His insight and strength of character has helped me immeasurably. However, he's obviously still grieving for his father, helping his newly widowed mother cope, so adding to his ordeal isn't something I'm comfortable doing. And that's about it. My wife's family is a non starter for me, various reasons. So yes, true, dedicated friends are far and few between. The "isolation" is so overwhelming, it's actually shocked me how powerful that is. Loneliness is such sorrow, it intensifies my loss so much more, magnifies how much I miss my Tracie, how much I need her. 

This forum has been such an uplifting and positive thing. One of the few times I'll openly praise modern technology. You people here have been so gracious, so willing to relive and share your loss, just to help me. How amazing is that? I'd like to thank all of you, and I'll speak for her when I tell you that my wife, Tracie, thanks you all for helping her broken husband. Helping him get through just another day. 

Love to you all

 

 

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Jeff In Denver

"...the idiot things I've done, the selfishness of my desires, my anger, pettiness, it's all part of my flaws.

"You need anything, just let me know" sentiment.

I could have written much of your posts.  I really get what you're saying.    

With regard to your first statement, I'm there, too.  A therapist (via Skype) told me something that stayed with me.  I was at times selfish, impatient, abrupt, etc.  Why?  I was terrified, frustrated, and really, really worried. Where did that come from?  Love.

Someone else said that when we see someone every day, we can forget the miracle that the other person is - or something like that.

ONE COUPLE was really good to me.  On the first or second night (I can't recall which), they said:  "We're coming over."  It wasn't a question. And they did.  They brought food and drinks. (No alcohol, unfortunately).  A few weeks later they took me out to a restaurant.  I started to get an anxiety attack but I hid it.  I have seen them since.  

They didn't ask the universal, meaningless question.  The person grieving doesn't know what they want (besides having the person back, of course).  I believe that most people mean well, but just don't know what to do.

 

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I'm right there with you about not knowing what I need and also I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. I have had and still do to some extent good support from friends and family. But they all have their lives to go back to. I know they mean well when they say whatever i need they are there for me but I think I have to start getting on with my life however hard it is and is going to be and even though I wish to join him every second of the day. But I know that day will come .

With that in mind I went to the movies all by myself this evening. It was sad not doing that with my darling but I made it through. I felt even more sad as one of the main characters had my husband's name. But I stayed till the end. When I got home I felt good about myself finally doing something normal. I kinda pretended that he was sitting right next to me throughout the movie and maybe that's why I didn't have a break down. I just miss him so much and is overflowing with love for him. 

Prayers to all of you wonderful souls here. 

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Jeff In Denver, thank you, love is indeed the thing that gives us the most joy, yet it does drive us to say or do things we shouldn't, but do anyway. I love that, what you said, so true. And yes, spending so much time with someone makes it easy to take for granted things we should be celebrating. Human nature, assume that because someone is with us daily, through years or decades, that they'll always be there. I know I did. 

Nads, I think it's great you got out and did something for YOU. That's wonderful, and I have little doubt he was indeed sitting with his best "girl" (I'm a bit old fashioned, so I like that particular phrase, I hope I didn't offended you). Movies are something I enjoy, certain genres especially, and I live perhaps 5 minutes, walking, from a great theater. I want to go, not with anyone other than my daughter, but I might consider flying solo, based on your experience. Thank you for that. 

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Nads, I wish I had the courage to go to the theater like you. I have not been out to see a movie since whenever it was that the Titanic came out. I went with my daughter way back when. Maybe someday, I will get the courage and go out. There is no one to do those things with. My daughter has since moved further away. Everyone I know has their spouse. I also do not like being a burden on anyone. I do call a couple of people and it makes me cry and feel even more sad. I'm reduced to reaching out and I wouldn't be going through this if my husband's heart wouldn't have given out on him. I'm so lonely for my husband's company. Sorry, just having a lonely night.

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KMB

You feel so alone, just as I do, but I hope you know that as far as I'm concerned, you're a friend. I'm sorry you're having a bad night, I wish I could help. Your husband, my wife, what we wouldn't do to put things back together. You're in my thoughts, prayers and I'll be thinking of you. You're alone but not alone. I'd hug you if I could. 

Hang in there, treat yourself well and be safe, I'll be thinking about you. 

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Thank you, Andy, we are friends, that helps. I guess I'll just sit with the tv on for background noise and try to focus on reading for awhile. Some nights are worse than others for the loneliness. I called my daughter, but it is her only night off from work and she is tired, so I didn't stay on with her long. It did help to hear her voice.

My thoughts and prayers are with you also. Such a tough road we are on.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Nads, I wish I had the courage to go to the theater like you. I have not been out to see a movie since whenever it was that the Titanic came out. I went with my daughter way back when. Maybe someday, I will get the courage and go out. There is no one to do those things with. My daughter has since moved further away. Everyone I know has their spouse. I also do not like being a burden on anyone. I do call a couple of people and it makes me cry and feel even more sad. I'm reduced to reaching out and I wouldn't be going through this if my husband's heart wouldn't have given out on him. I'm so lonely for my husband's company. Sorry, just having a lonely night.

Kmb

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. I wish I could hug you and tell you that you are not alone. You are alone with all of us lonely souls. 

Stay strong kmb. You are in my prayers.  

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I keep thinking I will wake up. A thought crosses my mind and I start to pick up the phone to call him and talk to him about it. I think I need to call him and see if he wants anything from the store. Or to let him know I am running late. The ache is overwhelming. I understand. 

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Andy, KMB....those lonely nights are indeed difficult. I have many of those and sometimes all I need is a hug which I can't have because there is no one around to give it to me so I just rally through it. My baby was always there to hold me when I needed it. Keeping busy is what helps me through this. I have decided to make my movie night a regular thing. The theater, like you Andy, is just a few minutes away. I  will go only on evenings that aren't as busy..like a Monday. I plan to getaway for a weekend soon as well. I have a friend who is recently single and I have asked her to join me if she is up to it. Either way I plan to do it. I just need a break from everything just for a while. Location won't change how much I ache for my love I know, but I will have him there with me. 

As I mentioned, coming to this site is how i start my day. It gives me courage to make it through the day. Have to leave for work soon but I'm always checking in throughout the day. 

Strength and love to all to get through the day. Hugs to each of you. 

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9 hours ago, KMB said:

Thank you, Andy, we are friends, that helps. I guess I'll just sit with the tv on for background noise and try to focus on reading for awhile. Some nights are worse than others for the loneliness. I called my daughter, but it is her only night off from work and she is tired, so I didn't stay on with her long. It did help to hear her voice.

My thoughts and prayers are with you also. Such a tough road we are on.

Friends indeed, friends with a common misery, but an undeniable connection that exists at another level. Being lonely is so excruciating, it's nothing like being by myself because my friends our busy or my wife is sitting with her grandmother. Our loneliness exists because of a tragic loss, the kind of loneliness that will not be remedied by their return. It's permanent. And we know this. The person we would turn to for their strength is that very person we long for. Take comfort, if you can, that I believe, and this is just my personal belief, that we aren't done. I think this, in part, because if I were the one who had passed, and I was aware that my wife was I such agony as I am now, I'd be troubled by the sadness, I'd feel responsible for her grief. I would want my wife to keep living, whatever that looked like, I'd want her to move on. Not "past" me, but in honor of me. I love her because of the beauty of her life, and I'd like to keep that spirit alive. I'm going to hurt for the rest of my days, but I think I'll be able to carry on, because she gave me strength and she, like your husband, believes in me, you. They always did, they do now. Do the best you can, be strong, be weak, but be alive. Live. One step at a time. 

Your friend, Andy

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2 hours ago, Nads said:

Andy, KMB....those lonely nights are indeed difficult. I have many of those and sometimes all I need is a hug which I can't have because there is no one around to give it to me so I just rally through it. My baby was always there to hold me when I needed it. Keeping busy is what helps me through this. I have decided to make my movie night a regular thing. The theater, like you Andy, is just a few minutes away. I  will go only on evenings that aren't as busy..like a Monday. I plan to getaway for a weekend soon as well. I have a friend who is recently single and I have asked her to join me if she is up to it. Either way I plan to do it. I just need a break from everything just for a while. Location won't change how much I ache for my love I know, but I will have him there with me. 

As I mentioned, coming to this site is how i start my day. It gives me courage to make it through the day. Have to leave for work soon but I'm always checking in throughout the day. 

Strength and love to all to get through the day. Hugs to each of you. 

I think it's great that you're planning to do things for yourself, I admire that and actually look forward to being at that place. It gives me hope, and I thank you for that. Again, a big hug and keep going. You're headed the right direction. 

Have a better day, and be safe, Andy

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7 hours ago, JC_TX said:

I keep thinking I will wake up. A thought crosses my mind and I start to pick up the phone to call him and talk to him about it. I think I need to call him and see if he wants anything from the store. Or to let him know I am running late. The ache is overwhelming. I understand. 

Understood. Completely. The ache and emptiness left by our true love is so deep and profound. I pray you find strength, a tiny glimpse of hope, of reason. I'll be thinking of you. 

Andy

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We all need to keep hearing these words of understanding from each other here. My loneliness from yesterday afternoon extends into today. Sometimes I think I'm going to be ok, doing ok, then a low spot hits and it is so hard to climb out of.

I have to go out and shovel the snow that came yesterday. If my husband were here, I would have been out at daylight doing it. Nothing seems to matter anymore. He was the hub of our life. I am so broken down without him. We were totally dependent on each other. So defeating that I am left to do this life alone. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone here. But, I like to think that some of us feel the same. Some of you have children you have to keep carrying on for. I just have a dog and cat. I don't have a death wish, but I would like to know, somehow, how long I have to be here before my reunion with my husband. Just my thoughts due to my emotions right now.

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KMB...I can so relate to what you are saying and how you are feeling. I too have no children, I don't even have pets. I know having pets can be therapeutic though but where I live now no pets are allowed. Just like you I can't wait to be with my darling. But until then we just have to find a way to make it through. I feel hopeless most times but somehow I manage to make it through each day. Maybe because I have so much responsibility now since I lost my husband. I have my job and now I'm doing his job. He had his own business with ongoing projects and I am trying to meet his obligations because I know he would want me to. 

Stay strong my dear. We are here for you. 

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Nads, Thank you for being here. I am at the tail end of my responsibilities with my husband's business. We ran it together. He had to quit working and decided to dissolve it. He passed away shortly after we started the process. I don't know if this makes sense, but as each day goes by since he's been gone, the worse I'm feeling. I want to continue to be the strong, efficient, get it done person he knew me to be. It is so difficult when he is not here, for me to see and talk to. I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside.

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15 hours ago, Andy said:

Nads, I think it's great you got out and did something for YOU.

This is part of our learning "self care" and one of the most important things we can learn to do after our loss.  It's important not only to take care of ourselves as far as eating, exercise, etc., but also learning to value ourselves enough to do those caring things for ourselves.  Good for you!

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14 minutes ago, KMB said:

as each day goes by since he's been gone, the worse I'm feeling. I want to continue to be the strong, efficient, get it done person he knew me to be.

It'll come.  Right now you're deep in the throes of grief and just getting through each day is enough to focus on.  You can be superwoman tomorrow.  Today, just breathe.  (((hugs)))

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Thank you, KayC.  Some days I can be fairly ok. Just not the past couple of days. Sometimes it hurts just to breathe. I have been managing so far but always wonder how.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Nads, Thank you for being here. I am at the tail end of my responsibilities with my husband's business. We ran it together. He had to quit working and decided to dissolve it. He passed away shortly after we started the process. I don't know if this makes sense, but as each day goes by since he's been gone, the worse I'm feeling. I want to continue to be the strong, efficient, get it done person he knew me to be. It is so difficult when he is not here, for me to see and talk to. I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside.

I'm struck by your feeling of "slowly dying", that's distressing to hear. That breaks my heart. A conversation I had with my daughter within days of my wife's passing MAY help you, at least I hope it can. My daughter was expressing to me her desire to "live for mom", to do things "because that's what mom would want". I had to stop her right there. I explained, that isn't at all what your mom would want. She wanted, wants, you to find your way, your particular happiness. "You can live your life in a way that honors your mom, her spirit, but don't live your life guided by what you imagine she'd want". My wife wanted my daughter to be healthy, kind, positive and happy. Not as laid out by some dictatorial set of rules, but by living life as we (as parents) set the example. I think my wife, actually, I know my wife would want me to try to find peace and happiness. It's what I'd desire for her. I could never ask my wife to do everything as I'd do them, that's not fair to her. So please, for your sake, your health and spirit, allow yourself to consider finding happiness in your way. Nothing radical or dishonorable, but something YOU enjoy, things that make you, you. Things he loved about you. I just worry and get concerned about people, especially in our state. Reach out to me, friends, family, ANYBODY who you can talk to. Please. 

A really big hug and peace and love for you-Andy

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Andy, nads, kmb, kayc and others

Ive had a bad couple of days, they followed a few ok days (not good just ok). I just got in bed 11,45pm uk time, as usual i cannot switch my torcherous thoughts off, decided to visit the site for some comfort, it did not dissapoint, reading lots of positive, inspiring feelings and thoughts from you all gives me hope for a better day tommorrow. I truly am a positive person in general but this horrible grief we all share is as you all know truly soul destroying sometimes, today ive hated speaking to people, hated watching couples being together (how mean am i), i wanted to scream at people in anger and frustration, i felt so lonely,  sad and angry. I dont want to be a victim of this grief, my darling boyfriend would not want me to be a victim, i want to live with hope for a life not consumed with sadness but its so hard to focus when that black, grief cloud just keeps following you around. 

Andy, i am so sorry for your loss, life has been too cruel to us all and your words are truly inspiring, i believe its in us all to overcome this, it takes strength and courage to do so and we all have to do it for ourselves and for the memory of our loved ones, they would not want us to be unhappy,  they loved and cherised us too much for that, take care all of you xx

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Meesh...I feel exactly like you when I see couples walking around holding hands, kissing etc. I just become angry then I feel so sad. I'm usually not a person to be like that but I can't help how I feel. It's just so unfair. We were just married, we didn't even get to have our first anniversary. We just had six months of marriage although we were together for six years. I feel so cheated. We were so much in love and so happy that sometimes it scared me...and then he was gone. Why does life have to be so cruel to us?? Why??

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Andy... "be strong, be weak but be alive. Live." ....I find this most profound. I think I going to try to make this my new philosophy of life. Thanks for this!

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Life is cruel and i feel cheated also, how can horrible people be walking the streets and our good men gone, wheres the logic in that, i also like the saying 'be strong, be weak but be alive, live' gonna store it on my fone to inspire me, glad you went to pictures on your own nads its an achievment and go on that wknd with your friend, it will do you good, im goin to my sisters this wknd, i'm gonna get myself dressed up and put my make up on and go to a local bar with her im gonna do that for myself, she lives about an hr away so will feel better about going out where no one knows me, it feels funny going anywhere near where we lived i feel people might judge me and think i dont care, i would hate people to think i dont care about the love of my life, he was my everything, my true love and i know he loved life and would not want me to be consumed with sadness,   after what weve all been thru dont we all deserve  bit of time away from this awful grief,  even if its for a short while..

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Andy, I appreciate your concern, truly. I spent time today reading online various grief support articles. Feelings of despair, depression like symptoms are considered normal. So are suicidal thoughts, especially for those who have lost a spouse. Usually in the very young or very old. I'm not suicidal, just going through a tough patch. Have been through them before, part of this roller coaster journey. I ran across a blog from a woman who lost her husband in 2010. She is still trying to work her way through. She said that she isn't suicidal either. But if she learned she had a terminal illness, she would not fight it. I understood her on that one.

There are plenty of counseling centers around my area. I did some checking into that today also. Looking for a grief therapist, just in case I feel myself really bombing out. Therapy for everything else, not grief. Closest ones are over a 100 miles away. Always a hotline # if I get that bad off I guess.

I'm not feeling as bad as I was last night. Thank God for that. If only there was a way of grieving that did not involve emotions, but that is impossible.

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Meesh, so much of what you're feeling is exactly how I feel. I don't like going out in crowded places or places I can run into people who knew us. I just don't feel like saying hi or answering stupid questions or pretending I'm ok when I'm not so I just avoid certain places. I thrilled that you are visiting your sister and you have plans to go out. Good for you! Just live in the moment. You will feel sad and miss your love but just try to enjoy that time out as best as you can. Remember being weak is ok. Having a break from it all is ok too. Every little step forward counts as progress and so what if we regress ever so often. It is what it is. We have to just keep trying. 

Cheers to the weekend my friend.  

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