My Story

[olemisfit]

My apologies for starting out with a long post but maybe a good place to start is at the beginning. So here goes. 

I'm a retired otr trucker. I retired in Jan, 2011 when my wife's health had deteriorated to the point that it wasn't possible to leave her alone to fend for herself for 28 days at a time anymore. She needed a fulltime caregiver, so i retired from being a macho truckdriver and came home to be her housewife, chief cook and head bottle washer. I wish i could still be doing that, but God had other plans.

One of the first things we did was to move from Okla. City to south Texas. We made our new home in League City, Tx. which is about midway between Houston and Galveston Island. The winter ice storms in Okla. just weren't good for my wife's fragile health. 2011, 2012, & 2013 were relatively mild for me as her caregiver, but unfortunately I didn't have to look very hard to see a gradual decline in her health. She had several things wrong with her, but the one that was really affecting her body by now was her diabetes. It was slowly destroying her body. But her decline was gradual enough those first 3 years to give me the time i needed to settle in and learn my new job.Beginning in 2014 she was in and out of hospitals about every 3 months or so. And beginning in 2014 the diabetes started to really beat up on her. By the end of 2014 her muscle strength in her legs was pretty much nonexistant. By then she was also pretty much legally blind. By the beginning of 2015 she had become bedridden and wheelchair bound. And, as if that wasn't enough, her kidney doctor told us that we needed to begin making preparations for dialysis, and he convinced us that peritoneal dialysis was a good option for her. The first surgical procedure to install the tubes into her belly area wasn't done correctly, and she had to go through a second surgery to try to get it right. We never were able to test the 2nd one. The sutures got badly infected because a recovery room nurse left the cap to a ballpoint pen under the bandages. There should be rules or laws prohibiting medical people from using pens with removable caps, but that's another story. After a 2 month stay in a long-term facility for daily infection pump therapy, she finally recovered from the infection caused by the pen cap, and we then discarded the peritoneal dialysis idea, and she began dialysis in May of 2015. 2 more trips in and out of her favorite hospital happened in 2015, before her final trip that she didn't survive.

On Dec. 13, 2015 she was admitted into the hospital with pneumonia. On the 15th she was moved to the hospital's CCU and immediately put onto a ventilator. On Dec. 20th she was extubated as a trial balloon to see if her breathing by then was strong enough on its own. The CCU's visitation rules were very restricted. I was only able to visit my wife for one hour at a time, at stipulated times each day. I always went at the 10am hour, and then a second time at one of the late afternoon or early evening hours. By the time I got there at the 10am hour on the 20th my wife was sitting up in her bed laughing and talking with her nurse. I mistakenly took that as a good sign, but as it turned out it was only the eye of the storm. She and i visited for awhile that morning, and then she told me she was sleepy and she drifted off to sleep The hospital's rule with patients on ventilators in the CCU was to sedate them so that they didn't fight the tubes and try to pull them out. So between the 15th and the 20th she was heavily sedated every day, and she never consciously knew that I was even visiting her each day. And it reverted back to that after they re-intubated her later in the day on the 20th. So the short talk we had on the morning of the 20th were the last words i ever heard spoken by my wife.

 

On Dec. 26th she developed a bad case of c diff and her downhill slide became much worse. In spite of that each day when i would ask her nurse for a daily progress report, I was told every time that her condition was still critical but that they were still hopeful. They continued to express hopefullness, so i took that as a signal that it was okay for me to continue to hold out hope. I knew what my wife's instructions would be when/if push came to shove and if she were able to speak for herself. And I also knew that saying the words outloud when and if it became necessary was something i was going to have to suck it up and say. But so long as the staff continued to remain hopeful, I did to. It took my wife flatlining on new year's eve, 2015 for me to realize that the time was upon me to cowboy the heck up and give the instructions that I never wanted to have to give. She flatlined while I was at home, and her nurse called me to bring me up to date and to find out what my instructions were. I told her that i wanted to come to the hospital then but the nurse suggested that i not do that. It had been necessary to use electric shock and chest compressions both to revive her. Her nurse told me that if i came up I very likely wouldn't be able to spend any time in my wife's room with her because of the constant activity by the staff. So I asked her to do everything they could to keep my wife alive until i could be there the next morning. When I got there at the 10am hour on Jan. 1st 2016 and had a talk with her pulminary doctor he made my decision much easier. When he told me that keeping her alive---if that turned out to be my preference---would necessitate her being hooked up to the ventilator 24/7/365 literally for the rest of her life. And being a fulltime, forever resident of a nursing home. That wasn't an option my wife would have considered for even one second, so I didn't either. I instructed them to turn the ventilator off and allow her to go be with God.

Because she and i both had managed to outlive both of our families and had relocated to the Houston area from Okla. City we spent her last years alone. We had each other, and no family or friends. Her fragile health just didn't make it possible for us to be able to play the game of trying to convert acquantances into friendships. Therefore, I spent almost my entire first year of grieving with absolutely nothing in the way of support from anyone. I just got up each day, after a night of very little if any sleep, and hoped that that didn't turn into the day that I went stark raving mad. And here i am now 25 days into my second year. my 68th birthday will soon come and go (on Feb. 20th), and then our wedding anniversary will be upon me on March 7th. This one would have been anniversary #42. She and I were a team for a little more than 41 years even though she passed a couple of months before our 41st wedding anniversary. (Awe, the sin of it all!) lol

Turning the ventilator off and ending her suffering and misery was absolutely the toughest decision I've ever had to make. There is no doubt that it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but it's also no doubt that  it was the only right thing to do. I am extremely lonely without her, and most days my emotions are still pretty fragile. For some reason that I can't explain, crying has never come easy for me. To this day, I've never had that "good cry" that probably would have been therapeutic for me to get out of my system. A few baby tears came, but that's about it. Anyhow, this seems to be a good stopping place for this post. I'm without my anchor, and will spend the remainder of my life alone. My wife is waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge, with all the critters that brightened our lives over the years. One of these days my time will come that will allow me to join her, and we will be together for eternity then. That somehow sustains me.

This is the reader's digest condensed version of my story. My apologies for the length of this post.

Darrel

[Emeliza]

Darrel-

Welcome to the club no one wants to be in.  I am so sorry for the loss of your love and the ordeal you went thru and are still going thru.

I hope you find this place to be welcoming and a place to vent your feelings as you try and heal a bit.

[KMB]

Darrel, I am so sorry for what you and your beloved wife went through. I can't imagine having to make that final tough decision that you did, out of love for your wife. You did it from the heart and I'm sure she is grateful that you helped her to the Rainbow Bridge, where she is waiting for you. I'm sorry you have had to cope with your grieving on your own. I have had to do this on my own mostly also. Small family that has gone back to heir lives and so have the mutual friends. I do attend a monthly support group meet but this journey is lonely for the most part.

My husband was also a truck driver. Not OTR, but he drove his own logging truck locally.  He was also diabetic, which we know destroys the entire body. He had me as his power of attorney for his end of life directives and I am not sure I could have followed through with his instructions. I did not have that ordeal to contend with as he passed of sudden cardiac arrest.  Like you and your wife, my husband was my anchor and I'm having a hard time adjusting to living alone. This is the hardest trial of my life and I wonder about many things,

None of us want to be on this forum, but here we are. It has become my life line due to being alone. There are many wonderful people here who will listen and share, give encouragement and advice. Keep posting. Sending loving prayers to you.

[olemisfit]

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Darrel, I am so sorry for what you and your beloved wife went through. I can't imagine having to make that final tough decision that you did, out of love for your wife. You did it from the heart and I'm sure she is grateful that you helped her to the Rainbow Bridge, where she is waiting for you. I'm sorry you have had to cope with your grieving on your own. I have had to do this on my own mostly also. Small family that has gone back to heir lives and so have the mutual friends. I do attend a monthly support group meet but this journey is lonely for the most part.

My husband was also a truck driver. Not OTR, but he drove his own logging truck locally.  He was also diabetic, which we know destroys the entire body. He had me as his power of attorney for his end of life directives and I am not sure I could have followed through with his instructions. I did not have that ordeal to contend with as he passed of sudden cardiac arrest.  Like you and your wife, my husband was my anchor and I'm having a hard time adjusting to living alone. This is the hardest trial of my life and I wonder about many things,

None of us want to be on this forum, but here we are. It has become my life line due to being alone. There are many wonderful people here who will listen and share, give encouragement and advice. Keep posting. Sending loving prayers to you.

Thank you for your kindness KMB.  I of course don't know your age or what your television preferences are, but if you're old enough to remember the old Happy Days series, think back to how hard it was for the Fonz to say the word "wrong" when someone tried to get him to admit he was wrong about whatever it was. When it was time for me to tell my wife's doctor to shut the ventilator off, i felt like Fonzie trying to get those words to come out of me. I wouldn't wish that off on my worst enemy, but at the same time when it's the only right thing left to do you do have to just cram yourself into those man jeans (or girl jeans) and get it said. I'm glad for you that you didn't have to go through that hard ordeal like i did. I hope your husband's end came quickly and with nothing in the way of pain or suffering.  And with his dignity intact. 

I will admit that this grief experience has honestly tested my relationship with God.  In the middle of my selfishness when i've been really down and lonely i have thrown a few expletives His way. I'm sure i'm not alone in the way my emotions have been all over the proverbial chart. When i get back to as close as i'm able to come to solid ground these days, i just try to remind myself that it isn't always possible for us to always understand the method to God's madness. In spite of how much I miss my wife so immensely, I am also eternally grateful that here misery and suffering and pain are over. The entire year of 2015 was just one nightmare after another for her. And she never complained. She just kept that stiff upper lip, more for my benefit than her own.  The neuropathy in her feet had become intensely unbearable for her. 

Well, heck. I got myself really wound up, didn't i? I apologize. Thank you so much for the prayers. Rest assured you will be in mine.

Darrel

[Francine]

 

 

I feel your pain and am so sorry for your loss.  My husband of nearly 45 years died suddenly on December 6, 2016 and I still feel like I'm going to wake up from this nightmare - but I can't.  Reading your story just brought tears to my eyes and from your post, it is evident that you loved your wife.   

4 hours ago, olemisfit said:

There is no doubt that it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but it's also no doubt that  it was the only right thing to do.

It was also the bravest thing one can do.  There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  Letting your wife go has to be the hardest and bravest thing one could ever do.  I so commend you.  It's been over a year but you're still in the house of mourning.  It's not a comfortable place, It's not where you want to be, but for a time, longer than you wish, you will.  You might think you are losing your mind and there are times when you're not sure where you're going to end up and where the journey ends. 

Know what you and your wife had will always be - nothing can change that - it's in the atmosphere - it's forever.  Thank God for designing a women specifically for you, allowing you 41 years and sharing the love you had for one another.   Many are not awarded those blessings.   Know that she is no longer suffering or in any pain and her spirit is in a place where we can only imagine.   A place where Love and peace are the norms and not the exceptions.  Know that someday when your earthly pilgrimage is over, you too will be taken from this earth to your heavenly home to live with God Almighty for all eternity.   

Please continue to post - this website is a good source of thoughtful people giving words of comfort and encouragement - something we all need.  My prayer is for God to send you his unwavering love, his strength and inner peace to fill your spirit.   God Bless!   

[KMB]

Darrel, Francine does a beautiful justice with her words of encouragement. We've all stumbled with our faith in God during this terrible time. But it is at this time we need to bolster that faith and have trust that all be as right, as it is going to get. I look forward to that time when I will be reunited with my husband. With all the suffering he went through here, he is deserving of the peace and joy he is experiencing now. How I envy that!

Ah, yes the Fonz. I was in high school when that show started. Took a great deal of courage for you to do what your wife needed of you. Her life in your hands and she loved you and trusted you to do the right thing by her.I sincerely hope that my children will never have to make that decision for me. I don't feel that any of them could do it.

Diabetes is a terrible disease, but then all diseases are. I watched and cared for my husband through many of the symptoms including amputation of a couple of toes. He was so stoic through everything, never complained. Accepted what God was giving him to endure. I wasn't so accepting. I fought for many years to keep him here, kept strong for him. I thought that love conquers all, right?

[Francine]

KMB

7 minutes ago, KMB said:

Diabetes is a terrible disease, but then all diseases are. I watched and cared for my husband through many of the symptoms

This is so true; It can be such a debilitating disease; coupled with dialysis treatments, it sometimes would be so exhausting and draining for him - it hurt my heart to see him like that. He never let it get him down and kept a positive outlook on things . This was our lives and we did what was necessary for us to sustain that life.   I have always been somewhat of an optimist   I always thought if you were good and did good things, then good would come back to you.  Even though he had health issues, I never thought of him (or maybe didn't want to believe) as a sick person.  He was the strength of our family, the head of our household, the protector of the family, my strength. 

I'd like to believe that love conquers all, after all God is Love.

My prayer is for God to Bless and send us his inner peace, strength, and Love.

[olemisfit]

Please accept my huge thanks to each of you for your kind thoughts and words---and your prayers. My wife hated those dialysis sessions. There wasn't any pain involved. Her complaint was just with the cold. They kept the room so darn cold. It's only an assumption on my part, but her blood must have always been colder also by the time it was fed back into her body. Because of the diabetes, her extremeties were always cold even without the dialysis. I couldn't even begin to count the number of heating pads we wore out over the years. I would always have to sneak them into her when she would have to go into a hospital. When her dialysis had to begin in May of 2015 she spent the entire remainder of her life cold. She would leave the dialysis center cold, and just when she started feeling warmer it would be time to struggle into her wheelchair and get her out to the car to go for the next session. And she was always such a trooper. For my benefit, she never complained. But would i ever been in trouble if i forgot to turn the heater on in the house before i left to go back to the dialysis center to get her and bring her back home. For me it always seemed hot enough to bake bread, but that's what she needed just to get some warmth. Having it comfortable for her was the only thing that was important. She was---and still is---my center of gravity. Everything i do now is to honor her. 

Darrel

[Francine]

1 hour ago, olemisfit said:

She was---and still is---my center of gravity. Everything i do now is to honor her. 

Such a beautiful sentiment; and she would have been so proud.  I hope it brings you some comfort knowing that, with your wife, you have your history together, memories together and a rich life because of her.  I pray that God, the Giver of Life, - the God of strength, courage, comfort, hope and love be with you at this time.  The God who promises to wipe away all tears will hold you close and will fill your emptiness. May HE.grant you peace in your spirit knowing your wife's spirit is with him and all is well.  God Bless!

[olemisfit]

38 minutes ago, Francine said:

Such a beautiful sentiment; and she would have been so proud.  I hope it brings you some comfort knowing that, with your wife, you have your history together, memories together and a rich life because of her.  I pray that God, the Giver of Life, - the God of strength, courage, comfort, hope and love be with you at this time.  The God who promises to wipe away all tears will hold you close and will fill your emptiness. May HE.grant you peace in your spirit knowing your wife's spirit is with him and all is well.  God Bless!

Beautiful, Francine. Thank you. Who could ask for any more that that.

[KayC]

Hi Darrel,

Good to see you here.  There's some good people here and I've found everyone here to be respectful and we're able to express ourselves freely.  May you feel surrounded by the loving and caring people here!

[olemisfit]

 

41 minutes ago, KayC said:

Hi Darrel,

Good to see you here.  There's some good people here and I've found everyone here to be respectful and we're able to express ourselves freely.  May you feel surrounded by the loving and caring people here!

Wellll How'Do! A neighbor I "know". How bout that. Thank you. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, olemisfit said:

Wellll How'Do! A neighbor I "know". How bout that. Thank you. 

Yes, I found this forum a few months ago when there was trouble brewing on the other one.  I can't quit the other one, I've come to love the people and Marty is a wealth of information, besides, I've been there nearly 12 years, old habits die hard!   But I've come to love the people here too and I like that it doesn't seem to have censorship, I really like how people treat each other here and the mix of ages represented.

[KMB]

Darrel----Are you still with us out there? Haven't heard from you. Hope you are doing OK?

[ModHerc]

Darrel,

Hello from a dispatcher who has managed to keep wheels rolling for the past 20 years.  Always nice to meet a trucker.  My wife Christine was always freezing during, and after dialysis as well.  I brought her a lot of coffee while we were in those rooms.  I got her a heat rock as a gag gift one time, and the present I was wrapping when she passed was a towel warmer.

She had c diff as well, but got past it.  The hospital had some kind of computer glitch though and we couldn't get it taken off her current medical conditions.  So for the last four years every time she went in the hospital, we had to deal with that "Contagious: Danger" sign and all the hospital staff, putting on and taking off those ridiculous disposable gowns.  I had some fun with it on occasion.  She had one doctor who was a real PITA.  I would ask the doc to step out into the hall with me to discuss something small, just to make her strip down and gown back up.  It was childish, but trust me the old hag deserved it.

I'm so sorry for both your loss, and that you had to make that call.  That's something I thought about often, but was spared from in the end.  I always admire the people who can and do make such a difficult decision and spare their loved ones further distress.  Anyway, I hope you get back through here soon and drop us a line.  Wishing you comfort and peace,

Herc