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I'm still really struggling


Katie S

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Its been almost 4 months since my darling partner passed away. I'm still crying every day, I miss him so much.  Its just not getting any easier for me. I returned to work this week and whilst I'm there I put on a brave face and smile so everyone will think I'm coping but the reality is very different. As soon as I am in my car to go home the crying, anxiety, panic all starts. Being alone at home is just torture. I want this grief to ease because I am exhausted with it but at the same time I think as long as I continue to feel like this I am not forgetting him. I know that sounds silly but I can't help it. I also feel guilt with everything I do, even basic things such as showering, putting make up on etc.  I walk around in a bubble feeling like I don't belong anywhere anymore. My friends think it would help for me to see a grief counselor but I still cannot talk about my partner without breaking down.  I just don't know how to live without him.

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A grief counselor might be helpful, crying with them would be expected.

We all endure this a bit differently, but it isn't easy.

I understand what you mean about wanting to be feel bad as it shows you aren't forgetting him, but you won't, even if you are feeling ok.  Don't get me wrong, guilt still rears its ugly head at me, but not as much.

One of my husband's favorite sayings was "It is what it is".  I can't bring him back, no matter how much I want to. It is what it is.  I can only work on what can possibly change or be fixed. 

I just looked up at our engagement picture where my husband and I are smiling at each other.  I thought about that day and I got tears in my eyes....but was smiling.  I try and think about what I had, not what I lost. It doesn't fix it or anything, but dang was I blessed and I am so grateful for having met and fell in love with such a man and he fell in love back. 

I am not sure if what I am saying makes sense, but I hope you can smile at what you had and what you will have again.  

 I am so sorry.

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Thanks Emeliza. Your words make perfect sense and I hope one day I will be able to look at his picture and smile. I remember him saying to me once, 'I love you so much, I don't think I could live without you'. I really don't think he could have coped if I had gone first. I was always the stronger one emotionally, not that you would think that to look at me now. I am so sorry this has happened to us all. It is the hardest thing I will ever have to do and I'm not sure I have the strength or will to do this. I have lost everything.  

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KatieS, I feel the way you do also. Emeliza brings up good points. But logic, advice ,does seem to go out the window due to the grieving and sadness. I take care of our pets, but the only productive thing I've done today is take out the garbage. I just don't have motivation to do much. My husband is not here to validate my existence(or anyone else for that matter) or what I do or not do.It all seems so pointless. I don't want to become a downer for anyone here but it is how I feel. If something happened to me here, it would probably be a couple of weeks before anyone might take notice. I used to belong with my husband. I was proud to be his wife. I was proud to go places with him and do all the wifely things, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. Now what? I lived on my own for about a year and a half about 35 years ago. It is tough and lonely being here alone now.

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KMB, I understand totally. I am very much alone now and I hate every single minute. I have never lived on my own. I met my partner when i was 18 and I was still living with my parents. We moved in together when I was 19 and have never been apart until now. I'm 49 now. I'm not a highly sociable person. I was content it just being the two of us. We were so happy in our own little routine. I did so much for him and loved doing it. Like you, laundry, shopping, cooking, even cutting his hair.  I suppose I am 'lucky' that I have to work to support myself, otherwise I would not get out of bed. 

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Katie S, you are not alone. Almost a month since I lost my boyfriend. I am struggling also. Just 30 mins ago, I went passed his mom house and saw his car parked outside and suffered a panic attack. I can barely look at our baby. I still haven't returned to our apartment. I cry everyday. It's torture. I said all that to make sure you know you are not alone. I will continue to pray for you. God Bless.

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B7176, I am so sorry about your boyfriend. It truly is the most unbearable pain to endure. I know everyone on here understands the pain and sadness of losing a partner/husband/wife. So many people in our 'real' life think they understand but they have no idea of the true horror of what we are going through. Its beyond anything I could have imagined and I really don't know how I am still here.

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Katie S,

I'm so sorry for your pain; I can feel it just from your post.  Your feelings will come and go for some unknown reasons.  At other times they will explode because of some triggers that activate them. Try to surround yourself with positive people who will give you a sense of comfort and safety.  I believe what you need at this time is someone to listen, just to be there to hold you, talk to you, go somewhere, anywhere with you.  Everyone needs something.  Don't be afraid to let people know how you fill and what you need.   

2 hours ago, Katie S said:

As soon as I am in my car to go home the crying, anxiety, panic all starts.

Sometimes you may cry as if the heavens have opened with a forty-day flood, and you think it will never end.  One day the clouds part, and there's a bit of rest from the moisture.  Then the storms return and it's hard to remember what the sun, stars and sky look like, but little by little they return.  So know that tears are not just helpful; they're needed.  Remember one day there will be no more need for tears.  Rev. 21:4 says "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will pass away".   

So cry as much and as often as you need to and know we are crying with you.   I pray that God gives you his strength, his love and his inner peace.  

 

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2 hours ago, Katie S said:

I love you so much, I don't think I could live without you'. I really don't think he could have coped if I had gone first. I

Katie S.

Like you, my husband and I were married young - I was 19 years and he was 20.  For almost 45 years (April 15 would be 45 years) we were inseparable and each other's best friend.   During our later years together, we  would sometimes talk about the inevitable  - what would happen - "If".  His response was always the same -  if I went before him, he couldn't and wouldn't survive - he said he would just die.  That statement hurt me so and of course I'd tell him that he could and I'd expect him to - if not for himself - for the kids.  Little did I know, that that day would come to fruition.  Now I was facing the inevitable.

Now I must live without him - without the love of my life; without my best friend; without my children's father; without my grandchildren's grandfather - without my heart.  How do I do it?  I don't know.  I do know that with God, the Ultimate Comforter, all things are possible and I believe he sends his love, strength peace to help us through this must difficult time.  God Bless us all. 

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Thank you Francine. I do sometimes think I will never stop crying. My eyes are so sore and I'm convinced my vision is getting worse. I wish I had someone who could be there for me like you suggest. I have friends but no one close enough to put through the ordeal of me sharing my true feelings. I find it easier just to say I'm doing ok. I hope that we all will find some respite from this pain, just to take a breather and manage some sleep. 

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Katie,

5 hours ago, Katie S said:

I have friends but no one close enough to put through the ordeal of me sharing my true feelings.

You do now.  

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Katie S---All of us are here for you. Our lives were turned upside down and our hearts broken. Being the ones left behind to continue on is the hardest trial we are facing. On this forum, we can survive together.

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I do feel this forum is a safe place for us all to say how we are feeling knowing everyone 'gets it'. If I were to mention to my friends just a small part of my daily thoughts I think they would be horrified.

I know we all live in different countries but wouldn't it be great if we could all attend a grief session held by KayC. That would be something special. 

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Hello Katie

I lost my husband to a heart incident on 6th October and feel more overwhelmed as the time is passing, more tears and more sorrow than before.  I truly empathise but so sorry that I can't be more positive  Take care.

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22 hours ago, Emeliza said:

One of my husband's favorite sayings was "It is what it is".  I can't bring him back, no matter how much I want to. It is what it is.  I can only work on what can possibly change or be fixed.

That's one of my sayings too!  I like the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.


Living one day at a time; 
enjoying one moment at a time; 
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will; 
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next. 
Amen.
 

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KayC, All along I thought the Serenity Prayer was the first 4 sentences. It is usually all you see on plaques and brochures. It is good to know there is more to the prayer and it makes sense. Thank you.

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6 hours ago, Katie S said:

wouldn't it be great if we could all attend a grief session held by KayC

I'm in.

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It's the first four lines that stick with me and I repeat to myself, it helps me do a reality check as there's no sense worrying unduly about what we can't change.  It even helps me with accepting the election process! ;)

We'll see how the grief support goes, I think it's going to be challenging.  I already have one person that just lost her husband that said "I hope it's not all going to be doom and gloom and people crying..."  Good gosh!  I had to tell her that everyone is different and she needs to bear with those differences.  I won't "lead" anyone into crying, but it's to be expected from time to time.  Again, good grief (no pun intended)!

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