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Numb and Lost

Struggling to Accept

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As I sit down with idle time, with phone in hand I instinctively go to his Facebook page. I do this even though I know nothing new will be there. I look at the same pictures I have seen countless times and I cry again. I used to always look to see if he was active on Facebook. I just liked knowing we were both on there and knowing he was somewhere even when we weren't talking a lot.  I know it is real and yet I am struggling so much to accept it. He was just one of those people that was so alive it is beyond reach to grasp he is gone. I just had to edit "he is" to "he was" in my previous sentence. So as I sat with my phone in my hand with no one to text, and did not see his name active and never will again I came here as I didn't know what else to do with myself. I have just a handful of people that know about my disenfranchised grief. It's like people impose a timeline of how long you can be shattered and then they just want you be you again and they don't want to hear it. If you are still grieving and depressed you just aren't trying hard enough. I try every day. No one wants to feel like this. I have moments that I feel better but then when the shock that he is really gone forever hits me I feel like I can't breathe. I am terrified of his memory fading away. I have no videos or anything to remember his voice but I do. I don't want to lose that. It's been a month but it already feels like so long. Even though we went long periods of not seeing each other or talking when he was alive I could always feel him here if that makes sense. But I have felt the emptiness since he's been gone and it seems like such a long time. That feeling that I should be able to just pick up the phone and call him is there every day at certain times. Or often I think of things I will tell him "when I see him" and then it hits me of course that I won't. He was ever present in the back of my thoughts while alive, and remains there. Now when I dream he is always in them but he doesn't participate or speak. He's just there. As if even my subconscious knows he is gone, yet he remains in my thoughts constantly. I never asked how he felt and now even though I feel like I already know I will never hear him say it. It is so hard to just go on living knowing you will never have anything that gives you that feeling of happiness again. Especially when I more than likely have so long to go. Like I said I just came here and wrote all this because I honestly don't know what to do with myself. My mind is ever searching for someway to fix this even though I know this is the one thing that can't be fixed, all I can do is pray. 

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KMB   

Numb and Lost, You are doing OK. You will survive. Seems impossible I know, but you will. Acceptance is one of the hardest issues to get through with the grieving. It takes time for the mind to come to terms with the fact that our loved one is no longer here. We don't want to accept it but we have to. If we choose to stay in denial, it makes life even more miserable. It is not healthy to become mired in grief. You were given the opportunity to have a great love in your life for a time. It was special and the love will always be there. Some time down the road, you will be able to look back on that time and smile for what he was able to bring into your life for the time you had.

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I hope so. I wish I could look at his picture and just smile instead of cry. I feel like I was just in the middle of something that was unfinished and unresolved and now it never can be.  We kept trying to make those plans to see each other and I feel certain I would have seen him in a few days and I feel like I'm still waiting on that.  For so long everything I did was with him in mind and he is what I looked forward to. Even when I was having fun with my family and hadn't talked to him or seen him in months I knew he was out there and knew he was probably thinking about me too and that just made me happy. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore. I try to comfort myself by thinking that he is still thinking of me somewhere and that works for a while but then I feel empty again. I keep telling myself this is just temporary and that eternity is our real life. But I know I'm not just supposed to be miserable the rest of my life. I just don't know how to change it. And then the worse of course is wondering if he even felt like I do about him. 

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KMB   

Numb and Lost, In time, looking at his pic will make you smile. You were fortunate to have the time with him that you did. I'm sure he felt the same about you. He made time for you and that says everything.

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On 1/26/2017 at 2:51 PM, KMB said:

Numb and Lost, In time, looking at his pic will make you smile. You were fortunate to have the time with him that you did. I'm sure he felt the same about you. He made time for you and that says everything.

I hope so I just don't feel like I'm getting better at all. When my family is home I put on a good front while I'm dying inside. So when they are gone I totally lose it. I tell myself I won't look at his picture and I'll just try to push it out but I can't because his picture is all that I have. I just don't see how people get through this. I'm just struggling so much with the guilt that he wasn't mine to begin with and I have no one that loved him too. This morning I have been so desperate  I thought about messaging his sister and just telling her. He was close to her but she didn't know. I even thought about doing it from a fake Facebook account to see how she would take it without revealing myself. I feel like I shouldn't though. If he wanted her to know he would have told her. But of course he isn't here and it's me hurting. I just want to talk to someone that loved him too.

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