I can't cope

[Zu 8a]

 Hi!!  I'm a 17 year old just letting it all out. I could use some advice.

It's about to be a year and a month since my dad passed away and I just can'tcope with it, or I guess I don't want to accept the fact that he is gone.

My mom wants to get married soon and that really saddens me and makes me angry because I feel like we( my sibbilings and I) need time,  I really don't want her to get married this soon, she just met the guy and he's a total stranger to us, and the only thing she does is call us selfish because we don't want her to get married.

I really don't know what to do, this few weeks I've been feeling really down, and crying for my dad a lot .. It's just SO hard, life is harder without him.

Ps: I'm sorry this is all over the place, and it probably makes no sense. Excuse me is this is not well written, English isn't my first lenguage, but for some reason I wouldn't have been able to write this down  ( or express myself, should I say?) in Spanish.

[reader]

Dear Zu,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. There is a lot on your shoulder. You are still grieving the loss of your beloved and cherished father. Its not easy. I don't want to accept the passing of my father either. It does not seem real to me. Its very hard to cope, I know. Please try to find a trusted friend, family member to talk to. Or try to get some help through the community, through church, school or work. Or consider talking to a counselor or joining a grief support group.

I know you love your mom and cannot understand her decision to marry. I know it seems so shocking and soon after your dad's passing. Everyone grieves differently. I sort of think your mom is afraid of being alone. And thinks maybe this new man might be able to give her a normal family life again. If you can, try talking to your mom when things calm down.

Its only normal to cry and feel sad. Better to let the emotions out.  I hope you can find a trusted person to talk this through with. Thinking of you.

 

 

 

 

[Zu 8a]

6 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Zu,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. There is a lot on your shoulder. You are still grieving the loss of your beloved and cherished father. Its not easy. I don't want to accept the passing of my father either. It does not seem real to me. Its very hard to cope, I know. Please try to find a trusted friend, family member to talk to. Or try to get some help through the community, through church, school or work. Or consider talking to a counselor or joining a grief support group.

I know you love your mom and cannot understand her decision to marry. I know it seems so shocking and soon after your dad's passing. Everyone grieves differently. I sort of think your mom is afraid of being alone. And thinks maybe this new man might be able to give her a normal family life again. If you can, try talking to your mom when things calm down.

Its only normal to cry and feel sad. Better to let the emotions out.  I hope you can find a trusted person to talk this through with. Thinking of you.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your reply, I hope you're doing well.

I actually haven't talked with anyone else other than my sister about how I feel, it's not easy for me to open up to people about this, I haven't talked to any of my familly members about this because I know they  are hurting,and miss him too.

I really want to talk to my mom, I just don't know how to.

It's very hard for my because me and my dad were really close, and we had so many things  we wanted to do and that just won't be.

Have a nice day, thank you for reading.

[reader]

Dear Zu,

I'm so sorry. I know its hard to talk openly and freely after such a devastating loss. Glad you have your sister to talk to.  I was close to my dad too.

I know its not easy to start a difficult conversation. But I would try and ask your mom if there is a quiet time where the both of you could talk for even 5 minutes. Maybe try asking how she is feeling first and go from there. Its always hard to be the one to initiate a conversation, but she is your mom and loves you.

Please write and express yourself here as much as you want. You will find lots of caring people with similar experiences. You are not alone. I wish so badly none of us had to find this site and go through this terrible part of life called grief.

Take care of yourself.  Your in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Zu 8a]

Thank you so much,I'll be praying for you too.

[Auntie Ruby]

Zu 8a

Our stories are very different. 

I was 39 when my dad passed away and that was nine years ago yesterday. My mom had not intention of remarrying... I did ask her though.  My mom's life was full already, but not every woman's life is full after their spouse passes.  A good friend of our family passed away about two years after my dad passed away.   He and his wife were good friends of my parents.  He passed away from cancer, like my dad.  His wife just remarried last year.   I have to admit, I was taken back by her choice.  I loved her husband and he was irreplaceable.  I couldn't imagine her with someone else.  She shared with me her reasons.  She wanted companionship.  She missed her husband dearly and no one could replace him.  But she was lonely and longed for someone to fill that space.  Her kids had moved on and her schedule wasn't as full as my Mom's was.. so she had the need to find someone to share her life with.  I had to let her be free to go on her own journey and with whoever she needed to go along with. 

I hope you feel safe enough to have a conversation with your mom.  Sounds like she may have a lot more life to live and it can be scary for her to go on her own.  I don't know if this will help you, but you can go into the section on the forum "Loss of a partner".  There are stories there by people who have lost their husbands.  It might help you to understand your mom.  I find it healing in my own life if I can seek to understand someone else's pain and grief journey.  

Maybe if you can't stop your mom from remarrying... maybe your next plan of attack is to get to know the guy that your mom has chosen.  Is he nice? or is he a jerk?  You will only know by spending time with him and getting to know him.  

Hang in there.  Just know you are in a safe place to vent.  It is healthy... Don't keep it in.  

Auntie Ruby from Canada

 

[Zu 8a]

On 29/1/2017 at 3:34 PM, Auntie Ruby said:

Zu 8a

Our stories are very different. 

I was 39 when my dad passed away and that was nine years ago yesterday. My mom had not intention of remarrying... I did ask her though.  My mom's life was full already, but not every woman's life is full after their spouse passes.  A good friend of our family passed away about two years after my dad passed away.   He and his wife were good friends of my parents.  He passed away from cancer, like my dad.  His wife just remarried last year.   I have to admit, I was taken back by her choice.  I loved her husband and he was irreplaceable.  I couldn't imagine her with someone else.  She shared with me her reasons.  She wanted companionship.  She missed her husband dearly and no one could replace him.  But she was lonely and longed for someone to fill that space.  Her kids had moved on and her schedule wasn't as full as my Mom's was.. so she had the need to find someone to share her life with.  I had to let her be free to go on her own journey and with whoever she needed to go along with. 

I hope you feel safe enough to have a conversation with your mom.  Sounds like she may have a lot more life to live and it can be scary for her to go on her own.  I don't know if this will help you, but you can go into the section on the forum "Loss of a partner".  There are stories there by people who have lost their husbands.  It might help you to understand your mom.  I find it healing in my own life if I can seek to understand someone else's pain and grief journey.  

Maybe if you can't stop your mom from remarrying... maybe your next plan of attack is to get to know the guy that your mom has chosen.  Is he nice? or is he a jerk?  You will only know by spending time with him and getting to know him.  

Hang in there.  Just know you are in a safe place to vent.  It is healthy... Don't keep it in.  

Auntie Ruby from Canada

 

Thank you so muchas for your words, I'm gonna try and read that section.

The thing is I'm not ready for my mom to get married just yet and maybe that is selfish of me, but I think she should give us a little more time, I mean whithout introducing somebody else into our family, wich again might be selfish of me.

 

[Auntie Ruby]

"I'm not ready..."

You are in great company here with people who aren't ready.  

I'm not ready to let my nephew go.  But I have no choice. He's gone and I won't see him this side of eternity.   You many not be ready for your mom to make the choices she wants to make... but the choice is not yours to make.  

Hang in there.  Love your mom.  Her getting married is not going to take you dad away from your heart and memories.  Here's a suggestion... if you feel up to it.  Have a talk with your dad.  It is a good way to get feelings out.  I talked to my dad often.  It was nice to feel him close... Conversation does that.  

I have talked to my nephew too.  I even went to a movie "with" him.  It was one I knew he would like.   We had the whole back row to ourselves.  It really helps with the transition process to talk.  It's not crazy... trust me... If anything, it keeps you from going crazy.  

You'll be okay... 

Ruby from Canada