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What does one do at 11:15pm?


CKYdad

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I have my children fed. Teeth brushed. Snacks made for tomarrow.

Now they are all in bed (Love them so much).

My wife is gone. I miss her terribly. I am SO lonelywithout her. I just want to lay in bed and feel her body against mine, but I cant.

We were so much in love.

Im sorry if it is taboo to talk about it, but what about the loss of love life? I love my wife. Every aspect of her. Especially just holding her against me. That was our favorite part of the entire day. We both agreed on that.

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I don't think it's taboo at all.  I feel the same thing.  Also wish we had made love one more time because it had been a while when Kevin died.  And I think I turned it down the last time.  Not feeling very good about that :(

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I am feeling very much the same thing. We did as much as we "wanted" to or at least felt "up to" while Gina was sick, but we where both so worn down, and she was in so much pain from the swelling from the steroids....

Very much like the Joplin song "I would give a whole mountain of tomorrows for one single yesterday".

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What I would give to just spoon in bed with my husband or lay my head on his chest.  I have no idea what we are supposed to do with no more intimacy in our lives.  Since I by no means want to be with anyone else at this point, I think I am resigned to celebacy and human touch will be hugs with the kids.  

Life is brutual.

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46 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

What I would give to just spoon in bed with my husband or lay my head on his chest.  I have no idea what we are supposed to do with no more intimacy in our lives.  Since I by no means want to be with anyone else at this point, I think I am resigned to celebacy and human touch will be hugs with the kids.  

Life is brutual.

I agree. That is what I miss really, and what I ultimately meant above when I said "our favorite part of the entire day". Laying under the covers together, skin to skin. I can still hear my wife's voice in my head "this is my favorite part of the day, when we lay, and you hold me".

I have, in sheer broken heartedness, and loneliness opened up dating sites more than once, and almost immediately closed them. I realized that my Gina was not going to be there, and I don't want anyone else.

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CKYDad

Taboo it is not.  You loved her and she, you.  Quite naturally you miss her.  I was blessed to have had my husband for nearly 45 years and I love and miss like crazy - his touch, his smell, his arms always around me.  Sometimes I tie the arms of one of his sport's jacket around my waist to simulate he is holding me.  Or put on one of his shirts and dab his favorite cologne on it - just to smell the scent he loved to wear.   Sometimes I lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling, my mind racing with all kinds of thoughts.  The pain, hurt, guilt and regrets seems to all come back and just won't go away.  

When you are feeling as if you've hit rock bottom, and you can't go any lower, know there's always someone to go to - The Creator, the Almighty.    HE is there when no one else is - in the middle of the night, his arms infold us; his words comfort us.   HE is aware of our pain and monitors every second of it.   HE is aware of our emptiness and will fill it in a manner beyond our dreams,  HE is aware of our wounds and scars and will send us a healing deeper than we can ever imagine.

No one will ever take the place of your Gina, nor should they.   Know what the two of your shared was a blessing from the Creator and will always be.  I believe that while we mourn the lost of our love ones, the angels are rejoicing their return to heaven and when your earthly task is complete, guess who will be front and center awaiting your return - your beautiful. Gina.  T

The greatest gift I can give you is my prayer and I do so willingly knowing that God's presence is active in your life.  I pray for your well being, your peace of  mind, and your strength of spirit.   God Bless!

 

 

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It's not taboo.  It's what we all are left with and don't know how to handle.  I've learned to live life without touch, without love, without, without.  I thank God for my dog and cat, I can't imagine coming home to a completely empty house!  But the holding, the intimacy, that's all gone.  I've had to get used to it, that's tough.  

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I cuddle up with his shirt and sleep at night. It still has his fragrance. It's funny how love turns us from normal to insane. 

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I hate that I don't have anything that smells like her. Even the clothes she was wearing when I took her to the hospital for the last time, don't smell like her.

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1 minute ago, CKYdad said:

I hate that I don't have anything that smells like her. Even the clothes she was wearing when I took her to the hospital for the last time, don't smell like her.

That is how it seems for me too.  And his cologne doesn't smell right because it isn't mixed with just him.  Every once in awhile I smell him, but not for more than a second and I generally can't get it again.  

I have some of his things in a paper bag and I haven't checked them in a long while.

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I did run out of my deodorant one day about a month ago. I got out of the shower and was headed out the door to go to work, used hers. That was a bad day. I could smell that deodorant all day long. Constant reminder. Needless to say I got new deodorant on my way home from work.

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Everyone---I hate this! We are all in the same boat of pain and loneliness. We are human and crave touch and affection from the one person who is no longer here. The memories of those times I block out. I have to, they are so very painful. Maybe, in time, I can look at those memories with love and remembrance and smile at what I once had, the gift of intimacy and bonding with my soul mate. We have all lost so much with the passing of our partners it's a wonder we are still breathing.

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I sleep on his side of the bed, on his pillow. I saved his bath soap in a plastic bag so it would not deteriorate. I bought a new bar that's the same kind. But I can touch and smell the one he used.  

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His smell disappeared off his clothing and bedding within a month or so.  I can still remember how I felt when I discovered that. :(

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One last time. 

I just want to touch him, embrace him tightly, feel every cell alive in him.. Exhale him to the depth of my bones. I want to listen to the sound of his heart beating.. And I want to absorb them in my ears forever.

One last time.

I want to feel his warmth, because I am tired of remembering how he felt cold the last time. I want to kiss him one last time without blood coming out of his mouth. I want to see that smile, and hide it forever in my eyes. 

If not forever.. Then just once. 

These are my small wishes in this big world.. Wishes that could never come true now. 

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1 hour ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

One last time. 

 

I hope you get a hug some day.  I hope it helps, but I know it won't be enough until we are all with our loves again.

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31 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

 

I hope you get a hug some day.  I hope it helps, but I know it won't be enough until we are all with our loves again.

He has hugged me several times in dreams. And as good as it feels, it is still not enough. I wish to hug him with my eyes open. 

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Sadaf,

I am sorry.... I too want to fill, love, kiss, hug, squeeze, talk, and listen to my love's heart.  Before he left this world, when we were in bed for the evening, I'd put my ear to his chest to listen to his heart.   I'd would ask him, I'm I in your heart?  He'd say, "of course, who else would be" and that I always would be.  - That made me so teary eyed (like I'm experiencing now) and very happy.  After nearly 45 years of marriage, I baby still loved me as when we first met.  We'd hold on to each other and I could feel the love we both had for one another - Damn, I miss that man with my entire being.

I don't know what to tell you except to hold on to that love you both shared; hold on to the memories you have inside; hold on to knowing that someday the two of you will be together again, only this time, you won't have to worry about ever parting again.  This may be big world, but guess what, in God's kingdom it doesn't compare to a ink spot - and in God's kingdom -  Wishes do come true.   God Bless and keep you safe.

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12 minutes ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

He has hugged me several times in dreams. And as good as it feels, it is still not enough. I wish to hug him with my eyes open. 

I am glad for you.  

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5 minutes ago, Francine said:

Sadaf,

I am sorry.... I too want to fill, love, kiss, hug, squeeze, talk, and listen to my love's heart.  Before he left this world, when we were in bed for the evening, I'd put my ear to his chest to listen to his heart.   I'd would ask him, I'm I in your heart?  He'd say, "of course, who else would be" and that I always would be.  - That made me so teary eyed (like I'm experiencing now) and very happy.  After nearly 45 years of marriage, I baby still loved me as when we first met.  We'd hold on to each other and I could feel the love we both had for one another - Damn, I miss that man with my entire being.

I don't know what to tell you except to hold on to that love you both shared; hold on to the memories you have inside; hold on to knowing that someday the two of you will be together again, only this time, you won't have to worry about ever parting again.  This may be big world, but guess what, in God's kingdom it doesn't compare to a ink spot - and in God's kingdom -  Wishes do come true.   God Bless and keep you safe.

Francine 

Thank you for your kind words. 

 

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Emeliza

41 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

I decided it really happened.

It did.  I'm so happy God revealed to you that your Levi is fine. In Matthew 7:7 it states" Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;  knock and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened".

53 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

I had been begging for one last hug for weeks at that point and I felt I got it. I

You did - God heard your prayer and answered.  Levi was telling you that he was OK and that he loves you.  Oh, I hope that gives you some comfort in knowing that God is alive and working actively in your life.  If course you want more, we all do.  May the lord, our Creator, bless and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you peace.

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I am confused by the above quotes because I can't find where it came from originally, it's like the words are different than the original post "quoted".

Anyway, I feel our husbands present at least some of the time in spirit, but I know, it's not the same as it was when they could physically hold us and we felt their heartbeat.  I miss that!

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36 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am confused by the above quotes because I can't find where it came from originally, it's like the words are different than the original post "quoted".

Anyway, I feel our husbands present at least some of the time in spirit, but I know, it's not the same as it was when they could physically hold us and we felt their heartbeat.  I miss that!

I deleted most of my post, but not before Francine quoted me.  I shared something personal to try and help, but since it wasn't necessarily a help, I deleted it.  Too sacred for me to have out there.

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On 1/25/2017 at 8:40 AM, CKYdad said:

I agree. That is what I miss really, and what I ultimately meant above when I said "our favorite part of the entire day". Laying under the covers together, skin to skin. I can still hear my wife's voice in my head "this is my favorite part of the day, when we lay, and you hold me".

I have, in sheer broken heartedness, and loneliness opened up dating sites more than once, and almost immediately closed them. I realized that my Gina was not going to be there, and I don't want anyone else.

I think it's part of this dern grieving process to miss that intamacy. My wife and i began a ritual back in our beginning days. When we got home from work each day we would meet at the bed. Nothing else came first (unless a potty stop was unavoidable). It was our time together, to decompress from the rigors of a day at work. And we would just lay close to each other, play kissy-face maybe a little bit, but mainly just relax in each other's aura. From that came my nickname for her...she was my Snuggles. Because snuggling with each other was what we did. We were each other's drug of choice, and we loved being addicted to each other. This daily ritual didn't always lead to the horizontal waltz. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. We both hated being apart from each other, even for just a day at work. So our ritual was our way of reuniting and shutting out the world, even if it was just until the next time. Then my truckin' years came and our rituals became fewer a a whole lot less frequent. Such is life, i reckon.

Darrel

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20 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

We both hated being apart from each other, even for just a day at work.

That is how Gina and I were. She liked to sleep in (might have been part of her illness looking back, I don't know), but I would message her when I got to work in the morning 1 message "I love you". That let her know when she woke up that 1 I loved her and was thinking about her, and 2 that I made it to work safely. I would not message her again until she replied. Usually around 10 or 11a. Once she was up, there was rarely a 20 min span when one of us didn't text the other until I got home from work.

 

That has been one of the "pains" I have had since her passing. It has taken me this long to get to where I don't pick my cell phone up 15 times a day to text her, or see if she had texted me.

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4 minutes ago, CKYdad said:

That is how Gina and I were. She liked to sleep in (might have been part of her illness looking back, I don't know), but I would message her when I got to work in the morning 1 message "I love you". That let her know when she woke up that 1 I loved her and was thinking about her, and 2 that I made it to work safely. I would not message her again until she replied. Usually around 10 or 11a. Once she was up, there was rarely a 20 min span when one of us didn't text the other until I got home from work.

 

That has been one of the "pains" I have had since her passing. It has taken me this long to get to where I don't pick my cell phone up 15 times a day to text her, or see if she had texted me.

I certainly relate to your feelings. I retired from otr truckin' in 2011, and then we didn't even keep our cellphones. I was always just in the next room by then. While i was gone truckin' we never texted. I wouldn't even know how. We always wanted to hear the sound of each other's voice. And thank the Lord for those unlimited minutes plans when became available. I had my routines down to the point that even in a big truck I could walk and chew gum without being distracted. When I got up from the bunk each day the bluetooth went on my ear, and stayed there. Then hitting the assigned speeddial key for her was all it took to call her and chat to our hearts content. The longest call was one time when i called her as i was passing through Gallup N.M. and we didn't hang up til I had to stop to get fuel in the truck at Kingman Az. We didn't talk the entire time. Just hearing her breathing part of the time was enuf to sooth my restless soul. Lordamercee, but i miss her.

Darrel

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

I am confused by the above quotes because I can't find where it came from originally, it's like the words are different than the original post "quoted".

 

On 1/26/2017 at 7:58 AM, Francine said:

In Matthew 7:7 it states" Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;  knock and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened".

When quoting verses from the bible, I try to put it in quotes and where to locate it  - as the quote is above.

If you are referring to the message below, it is not quoted and paraphrase on my part.  The direct quote is found in Numbers 6:24-26 which states, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace".

On 1/26/2017 at 7:58 AM, Francine said:

 May the lord, our Creator, bless and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you peace.

Hope this clear up things.

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Francine, your explanation on page 1 explained, I check quotes because a few months ago someone on another site quoted me and changed my words inside the quote to distort what I'd said and the moderator never did anything about it so I'm ultra sensitive about quotes now, I check them out. ;)  I'd never seen anyone do that before!  I understand your reason for deleting it.  Sometimes I get finger happy and wonder why I typed all that but I usually let it stand, I talk too much to try to censor myself! :D

I get the Bible quotation, I post one a day on FB myself.  It makes me accountable to at LEAST be into it that one bit every day!

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On 1/25/2017 at 0:21 PM, Sadaf Nazim said:

I cuddle up with his shirt and sleep at night. It still has his fragrance. It's funny how love turns us from normal to insane. 

I have a teddy bear that my husband had - he would prop his nook up on it to read before sleep and would stick it over his ear if the girls got too loud...  I now jam my face into it and sleep with it close, just to smell him.  I think the smell is going away and it makes me so sad.  

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5 hours ago, Stonesie said:

I think the smell is going away and it makes me so sad.

:(  When George's smell went away, I was very sad too.

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On January 24, 2017 at 8:23 PM, CKYdad said:

I have my children fed. Teeth brushed. Snacks made for tomarrow.

Now they are all in bed (Love them so much).

My wife is gone. I miss her terribly. I am SO lonelywithout her. I just want to lay in bed and feel her body against mine, but I cant.

We were so much in love.

Im sorry if it is taboo to talk about it, but what about the loss of love life? I love my wife. Every aspect of her. Especially just holding her against me. That was our favorite part of the entire day. We both agreed on that.

 

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Hi CKY Dad,

Your post was just so sad, I just needed to respond. I decided to check out grief forum posts this morning to make myself feel a little better about the loss of love in my life. Husband of 23 yrs no longer loves me so my grief is a little different from yours. I was searching in the brievement section to find posts to find stories of true love and I found it in your post. I'm so sorry for your loss. I tuck my children into bed and wonder around saying the same thing. Now what?!? 

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1 hour ago, CF_seattle said:

Im sorry if it is taboo to talk about it, but what about the loss of love life? I love my wife. Every aspect of her. Especially just holding her against me. That was our favorite part of the entire day. We both agreed on that.

It's not taboo. Sex and intimacy is a part of any good, close, loving relationship with a partner. I will be the first to admit I deeply, deeply miss sex and intimacy with my girlfriend. Sometimes I do feel like it's wrong to even think about this right now, but we did have an active sex life. We enjoyed rocking each others' worlds. We were very open minded and always trying new things to make sex even more fun and interesting. In fact, we had planned a trip to an adult shop for Valentine's day this year...

A lot of people describe sex as transcendental, spiritual, etc. I really do believe this. Sex gets a bad rep in our society because it is either misused, overused, or misrepresented. Sex within a good relationship can amazingly strengthen that relationship, it forms a bond that you really can't form in any other way. I know that when I made love to my girl, I felt as connected to her as any human I've ever met. I felt like we were one, two souls acting in sync, completely connected in every way possible in this world. To lose that is definitely real.

I admit that I'd give anything even just to hold her next to me, smell her, feel her warmth, all of those things. Physical touch is a real thing. Even if we weren't making love, her hugs and her affection filled me with something words can't describe. That feeling is actually what helped me grieve the loss of my father. She would hug me and cuddle me for hours, letting me cry and talk and whatever I needed, all the while keeping close to me physically in a way only a great partner can. Now I'm grieving her loss and I don't have anyone to reach out to in that way. It hurts.

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SF_seattle,

I'm sorry for your loss.  I was married 23 years to my kids' dad when he got a divorce.  Feeling that "loss of family" was really hard.  I met George, and have known love that I never even dreamed about!  Unfortunately, we only knew each other 6 1/2 years when he passed, but he was a wonderful husband and stepfather, and the love of my life.  For the rest of my life I can live on my own knowing we had that amazing love to sustain me forever.  It was extremely painful in the beginning, I didn't know how I could go on, but somehow we adjust to the unthinkable, a testament to our resilience, but more than that, I know his love carries me.

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