moving on or not

[AniaM]

It has been 3 years (including this year) since my boyfriend passed away. I wasn't okay. I did feel like my whole world had changed. 

We used to contact each other every minute and since we were having a long distance relationship, we still managed to text or call whenever we wanted to. We barely seen each other. It can be said that we meet only twice or thrice a year but we did okay, not until he passed in a tragic way. I found out that he did contact someone else but his friend told me that my boyfriend friendzoned her. And she told me the same thing too. 

I was completely broken. It was so hard for me to accept everything — the fact that he's no longer here, the friend that he friendzoned, the unexpected friends that he had whom I do not even know who — all of this was a burden for me. It's too much. 

On the year he passed, I was going into college. After a year, I managed to complete the first year of being a Biotechnology student but then I changed my major to Finance. Honestly, I cannot see my future. I do not know what should I do. I feel like everything is a mess and im making more of it.

my late boyfriend was my best friend, perhaps he's the only friend that i had back then and he's the only one that managed to change me to be better. He  opened up my eyes to see things differently. He's like my superman. He was brilliant! He supported me in everything that I do and never complains to anything that I babbled out to him. He told me, every problem has its own solution, so we need to figure out what's the best for each of it.

lately, I dont feel his presence anymore but he's still stuck in my mind. I know this is like a wrong thing to say but Ive decided not to find anyone else or to open up my heart to someone new. It's tiring to get to know people from zero again.

I did give myself a chance to be in love and I do admit that i miss being in love, to feel love, taking care of someone and know someone willing to be taking care of me. 

2 weeks before my boyfriend left hometown for holidays, we met each other and honestly,  I felt im in love again. Even though it's hard for us to see each other but when the moment we met; face to face, not on skype or video call, it feels like the first time again. And that time, i know he's the one. I wont be finding someone else. No one caan be him and no one is better that him. But i know there are few other guys who are better than him but they're not for me.

so here im asking should I just stay put and live my life like normal people or keep waiting for the right person eventhough I know my late boyfriend was the one? 

Im forever grieving. It's bad. Sometimes i cannot control my emotions due to hormones especially when im having PMS. 

Anyone facing the same thing or ever experienced this thing as well? 

[KayC]

The decision whether to find someone new or not is something individual that only we can answer, no one can for us.  

The only thing I can say is, you won't find someone like him, but be open to appreciating good qualities in others.  Don't "settle" because you think no one of caliber is out there.  Be particular.  You'll know it when you find it if it's to be.

I'm older and what I had with my husband was so amazing I would be shocked to ever find that again.  Meanwhile, I'm not looking.  I'm savoring the memories that we had and having had the best for even this all too short time in my life I content myself with.

[Sadaf Nazim]

Like kayC said, it depends on individuals. 

For me, I am 23. I can find anyone but I don't want to. I would prefer to live with his memories than to be with someone else. He was the one and he will always be the one for me. I loved him with all the depth of my soul and it can never happen for me again.  

But living with memories does not means to be sad. I break down once in a while, but most of the time I am content. I know that our love still continues, that he could watch me, and that he would be in pain if he sees me sad.

[Emeliza]

8 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

I know that our love still continues, that he could watch me, and that he would be in pain if he sees me sad.

We love them so much that even now we keep trying to check ourselves to not upset them in the world to come.  I cry and am in pain, but try not to be super angry and try to show or have that strength my husband loved in me. I try to keep living even though I don't want to. 

[Francine]

 

You appear to be young and your life is going to be full of changes.  Despite your pain, there is so much more for you to experience, to learn, to love.   I believe when you lose a love one in death and move forward, you become more aware and more sensitive to the loved ones we still have (or soon to encounter) . God does not want you us forget our past or the good times we had, the hard times, the successes and mistakes.  He does not want us to forget that wonderful or sometimes conflicting relationship.   He wants us to have learned from each experience.  There will always be a relationship with the one you've lost but Life is all about learning. 

Open our heart and learn what God has in stored for you.  I trust God will show you your path and guide you through it.  The greatest gift I can give you is my prayer and I gladly do so knowing that God' presence is active in your life.  I pray for your well being, your peace of  mind, and your strength of spirit.   God Bless!

[Jeff In Denver]

23 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Like kayC said, it depends on individuals. 

For me, I am 23. I can find anyone but I don't want to. I would prefer to live with his memories than to be with someone else. He was the one and he will always be the one for me. I loved him with all the depth of my soul and it can never happen for me again.  

But living with memories does not means to be sad. I break down once in a while, but most of the time I am content. I know that our love still continues, that he could watch me, and that he would be in pain if he sees me sad.

I agree - I couldn't have put it any better.  But I just can't be content.  It's not me.  I doubt that she would want to see me in this kind of pain, but it's not up to her.  This kind of anguish is a normal reaction to the biggest loss in our life.  It's a little like when someone ( let's call him John) breaks up with someone (again, to use a name - Susan).  Susan is a mess.  John feels bad about that and doesn't want her to be hurting, but it's not up to him.  Neither wants it, but that's the way it is.  

I am sure that if my girlfriend sees me, she feels bad about my hurting this way, but I think that she would understand why.  They say that grief is love turned inside out. I wonder how she would feel if I had resumed my life as though nothing had happened.  Full of happiness and fun.  

With me, anyway, I believe that I hurt so much because I love her so much.  The absence of her presence is killing me.

Sure, sometimes I feel somewhat normal (not happy), but the deep pain is always there although it's sometimes covered up for a while.  

[Sadaf Nazim]

I understand you Jeff. Maybe if I had gone something similar to you and mila, I would have felt the same. 

But for me, being content at any situation is one of the few qualities I picked up from my darling sweetheart.  He was even content in the last few seconds of his life! He didn't panic, didn't shout, there wasn't even a single line of concern on his face..peacefully he went away. My pain is nothing as compared to what he would have felt at that time. 

[KayC]

50 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

But I just can't be content.  It's not me.

Oh Jeff, when I was that far out and way beyond, I didn't have contentment either.  It took more time for this to sink in and for me to come to acceptance of my lot in life than I can say.  You can't begin to see it when you are there at the beginning.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to process!  I've lost three very wanted babies, countless pets, family members, a three year old nephew, a nearly two year old niece, and NOTHING came into the same ball park as this!  Nothing.

[Jeff In Denver]

31 minutes ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

I understand you Jeff. Maybe if I had gone something similar to you and mila, I would have felt the same. 

But for me, being content at any situation is one of the few qualities I picked up from my darling sweetheart.  He was even content in the last few seconds of his life! He didn't panic, didn't shout, there wasn't even a single line of concern on his face..peacefully he went away. My pain is nothing as compared to what he would have felt at that time. 

Thanks, Sadaf.  I understand.  Your situation, as terrible as it is, sounds, well... I can't think of the appropriate word.  I am glad that you're content, though.  That has to help.

With our situation, I watched breast cancer destroy her body despite everything I could do to help her - nutritionists, naturapaths, TCM, acupuncture, research, supplements.  We even tried The Secret, and then I hired a medical marijuana expert,  Nothing worked.  One day the ambulance took her to the hospice.  Right now I can't write anymore about that - I'm too upset.  I will say that I told her how much I love her and everything else that was in my heart.  She nodded that she could hear me.  

She always VERY jealous and possessive of me, but toward the end she told me she wanted me to find someone.  That really hurt me, but I know it shouldn't have.

I am not moving on.  It's been 7.5 months,

Since then, I have gone out with different women.  I did some crazy stuff.  I am now seeing a Chinese lady, but she is in San Francisco until early February.  She is a good person, she treats me well, and we get along.  She does Chinese medicine and legitimate massage, so I never see her until nighttime.  But she really helps with the loneliness.  Sometimes I almost feel normal for a while, even though I always think about Mila.  When I have a drink it helps, too.

But now I am feeling deep  despair.  It's not just because my new friend is not here, but because a layer of protection is gone and I miss Mila SO much. I feel content at times when I am with this new person, but I also know that - and I feel bad saying this - it's because she distracts me from the deep pain.

I hate being alone and I want to be in a loving relationship.  But Mila is the love of my life.  As she isn't here, there won't be another loving relationship.  That's it.  I am prepared to go through life with female companions and our memories, but nothing more.  I have a female friend up the street who I have known for 23 years.  Between her and others I will limp along.

If there is an afterlife, I want it to be with her forever - no one else.  I don't want to "cloud up" my life with someone else.  I hope that make sense.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jeff In Denver]

49 minutes ago, KayC said:

Oh Jeff, when I was that far out and way beyond, I didn't have contentment either.  It took more time for this to sink in and for me to come to acceptance of my lot in life than I can say.  You can't begin to see it when you are there at the beginning.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to process!  I've lost three very wanted babies, countless pets, family members, a three year old nephew, a nearly two year old niece, and NOTHING came into the same ball park as this!  Nothing.

KayC,  you have had so many losses...  Do you have contentment, or is it just acceptance?  I can understand acceptance, and I am there sometimes.  

[KMB]

Contentment is not even in my vocabulary. It left with my husband.

Acceptance----slowly creeping in unwanted, not given a choice. Reality bites so hard you don't ever forget.

Another *couple* relationship----I don't see that for me. So many people walking around damaged with their emotional baggage, myself included now with this agonizing loss I have to learn to live with. I gave everything I had in me to my husband and our life. My heart and soul went with my husband. He can keep them safe in his hands until we are reunited.

[Jeff In Denver]

You have a way with words and a good heart, KMB.  You echo my thoughts a lot.  I am sure that it will be unbelievably joyous when you are reunited!  He's a lucky guy to have you.  

For what it's worth:

http://blairrobertson.com/7-afterlife-facts-that-you-need-to-know/

 

[Francine]

KMB

Ditto to your entire thread  and so on point.  My sentiments exactly. 

[KMB]

Jeff, Thank you for the link.

[Sadaf Nazim]

4 hours ago, KMB said:

My heart and soul went with my husband. He can keep them safe in his hands until we are reunited.

What a wonderful statement kmb. I think the same. 

May all of us be united with our loved ones soon! 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Do you have contentment, or is it just acceptance?

I think I am content for the most part, but it still hits.  It seems to mostly hit when I have to go through a difficult time alone, or spend holidays alone, but then it can hit at any random time.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

http://blairrobertson.com/7-afterlife-facts-that-you-need-to-know/

Good link!

[Francine]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

It seems to mostly hit when I have to go through a difficult time alone, or spend holidays alone, but then it can hit at any random time.

Today, I went to the doctor's office (for my routine appointment)  and it was just awful.  This was the "first" of many events I'll be doing solo this year. I am not looking forward to doing any of these "First" alone, but know I must.  Emotions overwhelmed me to the point the doctor asked if I needed medication to help me sleep and/or eat.   I'm not a "medicine taking" person and I told him I didn't think so; he informed me that if I had a change of heart to let him or his nurse know.  

Last Jan 2016, I started a weight loss program and had lost a substantial amount of weight.   Since my husband's passing, I lost additional weight but not to the degree I throught I needed medications.    We talked about my husband's cause of death and he gave me insight I didn't know. While I appreciated the information, it still didn't soften the pain.  Our doctor, who knows both of us well  - he took off the Doctor's Cap and put on the Christian Cap.   We shared stories and quoted scripture and that so lifted my spirits -  he told me what my husband would or would not have wanted - and you know what - he was right.    I thanked him for being not just a doctor or a "grief counselor"  (if you will) but a friend - a friend I desperately needed at the moment - someone I know God put in my path.    

[KMB]

Francine, So heartening you had a decent doctor visit and he was able to take his *doctor cap* off and he was attentive to your well being. Not too many medical professionals will do that. Yes, the *firsts* are overwhelming and emotional. The rest of the years might be as well, from what I have heard. I guess it all depends on how a person chooses to cope with the firsts. The weight loss program will help you stay healthy. You have a good heart, God is sending you his blessings.

[Jeff In Denver]

On 1/26/2017 at 4:32 AM, KayC said:

Good link!

 

On 1/26/2017 at 4:32 AM, KayC said:

Good link!

Thanks!  Some people don't like it, though.  They didn't like the part about their not missing us.  I understand both sides.  I think Blair means well, but I can see how some people wouldn't agree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Francine]

KMB

Thanks for the kind words.  My prayer is that God sends us all his strength and peace to get through this traumatizing experience.  

[Sadaf Nazim]

37 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

 

Thanks!  Some people don't like it, though.  They didn't like the part about their not missing us.  I understand both sides.  I think Blair means well, but I can see how some people wouldn't agree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't like it either. But then I understood. They don't miss us because they can watch us and be with us every second. We miss them because we don't see them. But they do see us, And are present with us. And you can't miss someone if you are present with them all the time. 

[Francine]

Good link

I read an article that basically said the same thing.  I'm on the fence - I'm not a fan of Psychic Mediums.  

[Jeff In Denver]

Sadaf, I think you put it very well.

I am on the fence about mediums, but I am desperate. 

[KayC]

I understood what they meant (in the link), you have to take the entirety not just the small phrase out of context.

Francine, I'm glad your trip to the doctor went well.  My doctor I had for 33 years was like that.  When George died he asked me to promise him I wouldn't do anything rash (I guess he was afraid I'd kill myself?) and asked me to call him any time day or night, I still knew his phone number (I used to work for him).  I missed him when he gave up his practice but I have a good doctor now that listens and to me that is such a valuable asset in a doctor!

But about them missing us...I bet they do miss interacting with us like they used to.

[KMB]

Jeff---Desperation drives our thinking where we would never normally go. We want answers to life's mysteries about where our loved ones truly are, what they are doing and do they really miss us and being in this life. I have to believe that they can see us and hear us. I tend to believe KayC, that they do miss being able to interact with us as they did in this physical world. I have read also they don't miss us because the word *miss* is a negative. There are supposedly no negative emotions in the afterlife.

[Mila24]

On 1/27/2017 at 11:39 AM, KMB said:

Jeff---Desperation drives our thinking where we would never normally go. We want answers to life's mysteries about where our loved ones truly are, what they are doing and do they really miss us and being in this life. I have to believe that they can see us and hear us. I tend to believe KayC, that they do miss being able to interact with us as they did in this physical world. I have read also they don't miss us because the word *miss* is a negative. There are supposedly no negative emotions in the afterlife.

 

 

I've had every medium tell me that they felt anger, frustration and sadness from Thai.  I've also read a lot of supposed spirit communications that suggest that they do still experience negative emotions in the afterlife.  

[KMB]

Mila24--Sorry for your loss. This is a wonderful forum with many of us that certainly don't want to be here, but we are. We listen, we are heard and we share and give what comfort we can to each other. As far as the afterlife post you replied to---I have no idea what to believe. I just hang onto what I can for myself to help me cope.

[Francine]

KayC

I agree; if I know my Charles, he certainly would miss our interaction.   How I love and miss that man.