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Talked to another medium. Also, two thoughts for you.


Jeff In Denver

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claribassist13
13 hours ago, MLG23 said:

This perspective of the change in need is so beautiful. I hope I reach that same level someday. It also really hits me since I too have some problems of almost believing our years together can just be gone. But looking forward, I understand a change on the horizon is a positive thing to gain.

 

MLG, I think we all come into our own understanding of our needs and the changing relationship of them as time passes. Be kind to yourself as you finish out your first year, but know that the horrible hurt won't linger forever. At least, not in the way you have felt it so far. 

The hurt, the anger, the disbelief, the sadness... They never go away. They evolve, just like your need for you love evolves as well. 

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claribassist13
8 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

KMB,

Thank you.  I will soon respond to your thoughtful and helpful email.  What is soul-to-soul love?  Is that the deepest, most meaningful?

 

That's what I think of it as. Soulmates are always upheld as the truest of true loves. 

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claribassist13
10 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Claribassist13, thank you so much for wishing her a happy birthday.  We have a Mexican friend who took us to a Mexican buffet restaurant in Aurora, CO last winter.  It's about 30 minutes east.  She couldn't eat much but she had a really good time.  Well, yesterday this guy drove to my house, picked me up and took me there and back.  Very nice of him.  We had set it up a week ago.  He didn't know that it was Mila's birthday.  I told him, and it made him wonder, as did I...  You know?  I looked at the seat where she sat last year.  I felt sad.  I can't help but wonder if yesterday's timing was just a coincidence.

At night I lit a white candle in front of her picture, held her ring, and had the box of ashes nearby and talk to her.  It was so hard.  I begged her for a sign.  I am not trying to move on or heal. I love her even more than before.

I  understand what you mean about the highs and lows.  How did you make it through yesterday?  Did you do anything different or special for him?  It had to be a hard day for you.  Are you talking with friends and family about PJ, a counselor, or anyone like that?  I hope you're able to discuss him without people being dismissive, patronizing, or hurtful.  It's hard to find people like that.  Do you find talking with people who knew him helps you?

Thank you again.

 

Jeff, of course! Just because she isn't here physically doesn't negate the fact that she did live. It's important to celebrate birthdays. 
PJ's family threw somewhat of a memorial party for him on his birthday. Not the most festive of occasions, but it was important to note the fact that he had lived. 

I personally don't believe in coincidences, but moments like that are best left to your interpretation. After all, you knew Mila best.  

I think what you did was very sweet, and touching. I will caution you to not let grief get the best of you. Mila would most certainly not want you to live the rest of your life in agonizing pain. Healing doesn't mean forgetting, it just means adapting. 
You will never stop loving her. As Westley said in "The Princess Bride": "Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."

It is very kind of you to ask after me. I appreciate the thought. 
I went and got the ring professionally cleaned, visited the crash site/updated the quote on the back of his cross, and made an FB post about the ring. I just took the day to think about him, think about us.  
I have a grief counselor I see every couple of weeks. I try not to talk to family or friends about how I am feeling. I've learned over the past year that I simply cannot get the support I need from the people around me. They don't understand the situation, they think I should have moved on by now (since it has been a year). All it leads to is a lot of buried anger on my part, and being angry/hurt all the time is exhausting. 
Sometimes I am able to share a memory or two with mutual friends, and it's always nice to do that. It's nice when people ask about him, when people will just listen to me talk about him. It doesn't happen very often though. 
What can I say? It's a weird little box I've been placed in, and no one around me really has the experience to know how to truly help. I appreciate their attempts though. 

I hope that you have someone you can talk to. Talking on here is always good, but it helps to have someone you can meet with face to face. 
As always, my inbox is open to you if you need it. 

I hope today has brought you a little rest from the pain of yesterday. 

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4 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Sadaf, 

I hope so. I would most certainly not be the woman I am today without his unending love and belief in me.
It's something I often wonder about, as I am sure you do as well. 

How I look at my life? Like KayC said, I try not to think too far into the future. I mean, I'm in the process of obtaining my Bachelor's degree, so there is some amount of the future I have to look at, but I try not to think about the big things like future relationships or kids or anything like that. 
I view my life now as an opportunity to honor his memory and help him to carry out his passions. PJ wanted to be a doctor, so I have focused my research in the medical field. I hope to help people, just as he wanted to help people. I try to emulate his strengths, show his love and kindness towards people, be the support and voice of reason that he was to me. 

The way I see it, I now have the great privilege and responsibility of carrying his name, memory, and reputation forward. 
I strive every day to make him proud of me. I try to do things in his memory because that is the best way I can show my love for him now. 

Sadaf, you are barely 2 months in this awful situation. My perspective has taken me over a year to form, and even then there are still days where I struggle immensely. The best thing you can do right now is to narrow your view of the "future" to more manageable pieces. Give yourself time to go through all the firsts, to feel the wide range of feelings that you are going to feel. Allow yourself to cry when you need it, don't feel bad for feeling numb or for laughing every so often. Celebrate the little victories you accomplish throughout the day (like getting out of bed, taking a shower, etc.). Take the time to process your loss and to take care of yourself. That is the best way you can honor your love right now. 

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me. 

Thank you clari. It's so kind of you. 

I don't always think about my future and get anxious. I take one day at a time as everyone here has advised me. But I think that I need to have a plan for myself. If anything accidently happens to me like him, that's ok. But like you, I am young, and healthy, so I need to have a future plan. I am not thinking that how will I live without my love, what about my marriage, relationship etc. I know I can't change the past. This is a reality and now I have to live with this. 

I completed my Bachelor's last year in business administration and finance. I got a decent job. Then by the end of last year I quit my job and decided to go for an exam for the post of public administration and development officer. My passion to serve my society drove me towards this. I really love this job. But I am confused right now as I really can't see any future. 

My brother tells me to plan about the future smartly, but don't attach your heart or wishes with it. He tells me just in case I have to live a long life, I should make myself strong enough to survive alone and not be pitied upon by others, because my rock, my support isn't there now. 

I am working on all this. 

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Sadaf, You have done so well for yourself with your education! You must be proud of yourself and your family must be also. Have you taken the exam for the post of PA or are you working there already?

Loss changes us. It does change how we see ourselves and how we view the world. It changes anything current we had going on. You are young and strong. Your passion to serve society is greatly needed. This world needs more people like you. The ones that care and love. I wish you well.

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Jeff In Denver

Claribassist13, you really have such a good heart.

That is so good that PJs family did that for him, but I know it was bittersweet.  You did some very positive things, also.  That's terrific about the ring.  I'm sure going to the crash site wasn't easy, but you probably just felt as though you needed to be there.  I like what you said about not talking to family or friends about your loss.  Sadly, it makes sense.  Counting on them only seems to leads to disappointment and frustration.  Very few people know what this is like, and it's so awkward for them.   And, as you said, as young as you are not many of your friends have had to deal with this.  

You made some good points (as usual) about our love continuing.  I appreciate your suggestion to not allow grief to get the best of me. That's really good advice.  But I don't feel as though I chose it.  It attacks me.  I'm helpless when it does.

 And you're right, he/she wouldn't want us to go through our lives in extreme pain.  The sad part is, in my opinion, that's just the way it is.  It's great that they wouldn't want that for us, but I don't think it's up to them.  I always say that if you hear that the guy who works at the hardware store died, you feel bad.  20 minutes later you are thinking about what you're gonna have for lunch.  But when you lose the person who means more to you than life itself, I believe that it's going have a huge, long-lasting effect.  Some people get married again in 6 months.  Others never get involved again, their lives destroyed.  It all depends on the person and the relationship.  

I like that quote that you mentioned, by the way.

I know five things:  1. I will never find someone who was my everything as Mila is (not was).  2. I don't want to try.  3. I never want to experience this kind of loss again. 4. I will never love anyone like her again, and have no desire to.  5. I will love and cherish her forever.

I get your point, though.  We get used to it and adapt, but never forget.

I want to believe that my grief will end when we're together again.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

Have you taken the exam for the post of PA or are you working there already?

Kmb thank you for your encouragement. My exams are in four months. I am trying my best. I don't know if I could qualify it this year. I open my books and cry,then wipe my tears and study, then cry. But I carry on. What to do? I don't have any other option.

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On 1/23/2017 at 7:38 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

She love music and was a musician."  Nope!  "I see the globe at Disneyland."  Never been there.   "Let's talk about a candleabra.  I picture many candles."  Doesn't ring a bell.  On and on.  And then she would talk in depth  about these things that made no sense.  It was really annoying, to be honest.

Some people find comfort in mediums; for me, I'm still on the fence.    If this brings you satisfaction, by all means go with it.  Be careful and do your homework, you don't want to find someone like Jeff mentions in his post.   I guess there's good and bad in everything.  Choose wisely.

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claribassist13
11 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

I completed my Bachelor's last year in business administration and finance. I got a decent job. Then by the end of last year I quit my job and decided to go for an exam for the post of public administration and development officer. My passion to serve my society drove me towards this. I really love this job. But I am confused right now as I really can't see any future. 

My brother tells me to plan about the future smartly, but don't attach your heart or wishes with it. He tells me just in case I have to live a long life, I should make myself strong enough to survive alone and not be pitied upon by others, because my rock, my support isn't there now. 

4

I think it is a good idea to continue building upon your career and getting yourself into a financially stable place. I think that is a great place to start as you think about "the future". Maybe stick to goals you have for your job or financial goals. Those are great things to focus on that don't require a lot of thinking in regard to everything else. 

If nothing else, sometimes it is required to tell yourself that it is possible to have a future until you believe. 
Like you have probably heard from many others, avoid making any large decisions until the first year has passed. I would really try to focus on yourself and making sure that you can get yourself into a healthy situation in all aspects. 

Having to think about any part of the future is difficult, but it must be done. I think that pursuing your passion to serve society is a great place to start. 

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claribassist13
5 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

You made some good points (as usual) about our love continuing.  I appreciate your suggestion to not allow grief to get the best of me. That's really good advice.  But I don't feel as though I chose it.  It attacks me.  I'm helpless when it does.

 And you're right, he/she wouldn't want us to go through our lives in extreme pain.  The sad part is, in my opinion, that's just the way it is.  It's great that they wouldn't want that for us, but I don't think it's up to them... But when you lose the person who means more to you than life itself, I believe that it's going have a huge, long-lasting effect.  

I like that quote that you mentioned, by the way.

I know five things:  1. I will never find someone who was my everything as Mila is (not was).  2. I don't want to try.  3. I never want to experience this kind of loss again. 4. I will never love anyone like her again, and have no desire to.  5. I will love and cherish her forever.

I get your point, though.  We get used to it and adapt, but never forget.

I want to believe that my grief will end when we're together again.

1

Jeff, it's not that I don't want to talk to my family. It's more due to the fact that it is better for me, in the long run, to not talk to them. It's not their fault that they can't give me the level of support that I need, and it's not fair of me to be angry with them over it. So I just avoid it. 

Grief does attack. 
I hope I did not offend you by insinuating that you choose to let your grief consume you. That was not my intention at all with that comment. 
I would like to clarify what I meant. What I meant to say was that our grief is entirely overwhelming and all-consuming. It attacks us when we are down and continues to kick us long after that. However, I believe there is a big difference between grieving and allowing yourself to waste away from it. 
You are right. Our loved ones have no control over how we feel. Knowing how they would want us to feel doesn't help either. 
You are right when you say that your loss will have a huge, long-lasting effect. It will affect you for the rest of your life. 

Right now, we are all working on just surviving. We have to learn how to do all of life's basic functions again, and I mean everything! We work to process the feelings and pain that we can't describe, the stuff that hits us down to our bones, the stuff that makes it impossible to breathe, let alone think about getting up. 
That is where grief is the most awful. And I don't think any of us would choose to spend the rest of our lives feeling that way. 
So when I say don't let your grief get the best of you, I mean don't give our grief the rest of our life. You will grieve for Mila for the rest of your days, but it's hardly a life if all you are doing is working to survive. 
Survival is the first part. After that, we learn how to cope and live with our loss. It's not the life we want, but it's better than simply surviving grief. 

I apologize if what I have said above offends you in any way. You are barely past the 6-month mark, and you should expect to still work on surviving. 
I suppose what I am trying to say is that I made the decision to live my life in a way to honor my fiance, and I know that simply surviving is no kind of a life that deserves his memory or his honor. 
But I also have the perspective of just a bit more time. 

I've made an awful mess of this post, and for that, I apologize. 
In short, take care of yourself. Let yourself grieve, but don't give your life over to it. 

I'm glad you enjoyed the quote. It's been a source of comfort for me at times. 

All of the things on your list are true. 
As F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote: "There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same one twice."

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Jeff In Denver

Claribassist13, no need to apologize!  I always appreciate what you say and it really resonates.  I mean that.  You are always so caring and thoughtful, you have a way with words, and you help so much.

I understand what you mean about your family.  I guess sometimes we want more than they can give us.  It's not their fault, of course.  Unless they have been through this, they can't imagine what it's like.  How could they?  I'm sure they mean well, and I'm sure they feel bad for you and frustrated that they can't help you more.

No offense taken.  I know what you mean, and you're right. You made me realize that sometimes it helps to break the mood, so to speak.  We don't have to be in extreme despair all the time when we miss them.  I am usually at "low grade fever" level with grief.  But then it really drops the hammer on me.  I'm sure you can identify with that. There is no worse set of emotions that I can think of.  None.

And I am sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.  I'm just in the middle of it all again. I guess I mean that I am okay with never having another love relationship.  It's sad, but true.  I feel like I would be betraying her.  I also don't want to replace her or "overwrite" her, if that makes any sense.  Not everyone will agree with that view.  

I lost my cat in 2010.  It was really, really hard.  I will never get another pet.  I don't want to replace her and I don't want to experience that kind of loss.  It's the same now with a relationship.  I'll date, I'll have fun, but I will keep Mila in my heart, first and foremost, always.  It sucks because I'm lonely, but the special closeness and one-of-a-kind bond we had can never be replaced.  I don't even want to try.  It's her or nobody.  We never broke up.

That's another good quote.  Thank you again.

 

 

 

 

 

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claribassist13

Jeff, 

You certainly did not give me the wrong idea. I just remember how much I disliked people telling me similar things along the lines of what I just told you. I absolutely hated it. So I try to not do the same things to other people. It doesn't always work out that way. 
I'm so glad that my words can help. I often feel like I am struggling to say something coherent, let alone meaningful. 

"Low-grade fever" is a good way to think of it. Sometimes it's manageable and other times it is unbearable. The important thing, always, is to just take care of yourself. 

I can completely relate to where you are coming from. I was completely content with never having a partner/significant other again. I hope I didn't come across as saying that you need to move on from Mila. 
I would never say that to anyone, intentionally. I can't imagine being with someone else besides PJ. Like you, I'm not sure that I am willing to ever risk my heart again like that. Besides, where do you go when you've lost your true love? I couldn't possibly have a relationship that was below what PJ and I had. 
Some people believe in multiple soulmates and all that kind of stuff, but don't know if that applies to everyone. I certainly don't feel that it applies to me. 
Believe me, I can understand where you are coming from. 

The loneliness is awful. I find myself missing that closeness, that intimacy the most.  I miss having someone to see every day. I miss knowing that someone is waiting for me, that someone wants to know everything about my day. I miss having someone I don't have to think twice about in any situation. 
I am sure that you miss Mila in many of the same ways. 

Thanks! I've become quite the collector of quotes since his accident. I go and update the back of his cross (at the accident site) at least once a month with a new quote. It's something to do. 

I hope that today has been a bit kinder to you. 

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1 hour ago, claribassist13 said:

 

I can completely relate to where you are coming from. I was completely content with never having a partner/significant other again. I hope I didn't come across as saying that you need to move on from Mila. 
I would never say that to anyone, intentionally. I can't imagine being with someone else besides PJ. Like you, I'm not sure that I am willing to ever risk my heart again like that. Besides, where do you go when you've lost your true love? I couldn't possibly have a relationship that was below what PJ and I had. 
Some people believe in multiple soulmates and all that kind of stuff, but don't know if that applies to everyone. I certainly don't feel that it applies to me. 
Believe me, I can understand where you are coming from. 

The loneliness is awful. I find myself missing that closeness, that intimacy the most.  I miss having someone to see every day. I miss knowing that someone is waiting for me, that someone wants to know everything about my day. I miss having someone I don't have to think twice about in any situation. 
I am sure that you miss Mila in many of the same ways. 

 

This is so me. I couldn't have said it any better. I too can never think of any other relationship. How does anyone fall out of love?  That too, a love that was so perfect. Breaking up with someone who doesn't understand your feelings is so easy. But how does one breakup with a soulmate, the one person that never had hurt you and gave you nothing but his unconditional love. 

For me, my life would be without any couple relationship. I will have friends, I will try to live my life the best way I could, benefit myself and others from it, I will do everything I and my sweetheart wanted... But the one place in my heart that was for my Nazim would always be his. Until we meet again. 

 

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Jeff In Denver

 Claribassist13,  

I hope you're doing relatively okay this week.

You phrased everything well, and I understood what you meant.  I know what you mean about struggling with words with this situation.  It's so hard.  I, too, have a lot of trouble expressing myself well about this.  Andy does a great job of that from a guy's perspective, although I'm sure you can relate.  The problem is that the proper way to express ourselves about this is so hard anyway, and the words don't exist.

The medium was writing to me the other day and stopped toward the end - she was interrupted! - and said that Mila had jumped in and said to tell me that we have soul-to-soul love.  The skeptical side of me wonders, but I love that thought.  It brings me comfort.  The medium sends me long emails and wants to talk with me further - nothing said about money.  Like you, I don't believe in multiple soulmates.

I have a feeling that you can identify with soul-to-soul love.  I believe that it means that both of you are basically one, and have the deepest love for each other.

I am seeing someone now and she's really nice, but my heart just isn't in it.  She does help with the loneliness.  But in many ways she makes me miss Mila even more.

I feel for you with your loneliness.  Just having someone to talk to about the minor things that happen in our days, empty house, etc. There is nothing like this.

I hope you have a decent day today, my friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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claribassist13
19 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

How does anyone fall out of love?  That too, a love that was so perfect. Breaking up with someone who doesn't understand your feelings is so easy. But how does one breakup with a soulmate, the one person that never had hurt you and gave you nothing but his unconditional love. 

2

I've yet to find a good answer. I suspect I never will. 

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claribassist13

Jeff, 

It's been a bit of a rough week for me, but we all have those. 
Today hasn't been quite so bad, but I've also been in my research lab most of the day. It's easy to avoid people and get away from all the drama there. 

I'm glad that I've been able to make my meaning clear. There are days where I just don't make much sense to myself, let alone anyone else. 

I am so happy to hear what the medium told you. Whether you are skeptical or not, choose to take is as something. I would rather hold on to any scrap of hope than to dismiss it because I'm skeptical. 
I am looking into possibly talking to a medium myself. My scientist side is overly skeptical, but at this point, I figured that I really have nothing to lose. 

I'd like to think I can relate to a soul-to-soul type love. PJ was the only person I've ever dated, but I am a steadfast believer in the fact that when "the one" comes along, you just know it. I didn't understand that until I had my moment, but I knew exactly what is was despite my inexperience. 
There is a myth I've always like concerning soulmates. The myth is Greek in origin. According to this myth, the first humans were created with 4 arms, 4 legs, 4 eyes, 2 noses, 2 mouths... you get the idea. These human terrified Zeus, as he believed they hold powers that could overthrow his position as Ruler. To prevent that from ever happening, Zeus split each human in half and left them to wander aimlessly around the world in search of their other half. 

It seems gruesome, but I actually like the story. That is how I felt being with PJ, whole, complete. It was like I never knew there was a part of me missing until he was there to fill it. 
I'm sure you can relate to similar feelings with Mila. 

I am glad to hear that you are seeing someone. However, remember to not "lead" her on as the phrase goes. I am sure that you've probably filled her in on the pertinent details. It's just that the last thing you need is additional drama. 

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On 1/23/2017 at 9:38 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

 "How do you know that the pain and sad thoughts are coming from you? Maybe they're coming from the person you lost!"

Oh my God, this was an amazing insight.

We always say that our beloved is finally at peace, resting, happy in the afterlife, whatever. We never think about the fact that it's possible they're suffering just as much as we are being away from us.

I am not super religious or spiritual but I do believe in a higher force. I do believe something is out there that has a lot more control over us than we think it does. Even though much of human biology can be explained scientifically, we still can't truly explain free will and human consciousness. Those are the things that, to me, are fed to us by a higher power. Our brains and our bodies are conduits for consciousness which exists on a higher plane. 

While it's not a good idea to feel that our beloved is suffering, it is in some ways a comfort - we can feel we're not alone. That the one we lost is hurting just as much as we are, and that we're in this pain together, just like we were in life together. I was just visualizing my girlfriend (who I just lost a few days ago) crying and saying that SHE missed ME and wished SHE could still be here with me and how SHE was so upset that she had passed.

It had quite a therapeutic effect.

 

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