Talked to another medium. Also, two thoughts for you.

[Jeff In Denver]

This past Friday I talked with a medium who was double-blind certified by the Forever Family Foundation.   It was supposed to be a 1-hour session that went to two (she only charged me for one).  It was a total waste of time.  She was very nice and caring, but I felt as though she was spinning a contest wheel and mentioning whatever it stopped on.

"She love music and was a musician."  Nope!  "I see the globe at Disneyland."  Never been there.   "Let's talk about a candleabra.  I picture many candles."  Doesn't ring a bell.  On and on.  And then she would talk in depth  about these things that made no sense.  It was really annoying, to be honest.   But at the end I told her that I had lost my mother two years ago.  She came up with two possible names of her husband.  The second one was correct.  Strange that she got that right.

I wish I knew why they keep coaxing a session along when it's going nowhere.  That totally wrecked my weekend.  I'm still hurting.  I miss my girlfriend so much.

Then, I watched some of Dr. Bill Webster's videos, and he drove home an interesting thought.  He said that someone told him that the biggest problem with our loss is the the absence of his/her presence.  Wow.  That really sums it up well.

I also watched an Abraham Hicks video and someone was talking about their grief attacks.  The speaker asked a good question.  She said (I am paraphrasing):  "How do you know that the pain and sad thoughts are coming from you? Maybe they're coming from the person you lost!"

I had never thought of that!

 

 

[Emeliza]

Did your girlfriend believe in mediums?  I only ask because I know my husband did not so I am pretty positive even if they can communicate with the deceased, he wouldn't talk to them.

Also he was an extremely private person and he wouldn't ever discuss anything personal with someone he wasn't tight with.

So for me, when his mom felt she had a message from him, I was ok with it.  When some person he didn't know told me they had a message from him, it just made me angry.  I know he wouldn't deliver a message thru this person.

[Jeff In Denver]

We never talked about it.  I wish we had.

I don't know what to think about the other part of your post.  On the other side I have heard that they are more open, but I don't know.

[CKYdad]

I am fortunate that I have a very close friend that is a medium. She spent a great deal of time with my wife in the days leading up to her passing. She coached us on how we could communicate (agree on a place that was special to us both to meet at in dreams, agree on a number that she can make "happen" so that I know she is there, etc..). I have not yet really heard anything that I would believe to be for certain my wife. I am waiting for my friend to have time (she is VERY busy) to attempt a session with us.

[Emeliza]

1 hour ago, Jeff In Denver said:

We never talked about it.  I wish we had.

I don't know what to think about the other part of your post.  On the other side I have heard that they are more open, but I don't know.

You are right, they would be more open on the other side and have more knowledge.  I wish you luck in being able to communicate with your love.  

[KMB]

Jeff, I am sorry you had another unfortunate experience with a reading, especially with a medium who is certified. Maybe there is a way to contact the foundation and explain the non-communication and they could recommend a different reader at a discounted price?

I also question what you mention at the end of your post. How do we know that the pain and sad thoughts are not partly coming from our loved ones? Thoughts and feelings can be transmitted telepathically. I know that my husband fought with his physical body to not leave me. His heart was worn out. How do I know that he is grieving at leaving me and this life just as much as I am? I have had a couple of medium readings and the messages have been conflicting, but I know that mediums comprehend messages differently. I've been told that my husband is happy and at peace being free of his physical body. He misses me but wants me to continue on with my life path. Another, more recent reading revealed how much my husband misses me and kept apologizing for leaving me and for the suffering he sees me going through. He is sad also that he is unable to be physically here. There is no true actual knowledge here that can be proven unless I can learn how to have an OBE and communicate with my husband myself. I have read about regression hypnotherapy where you can be hypnotized and teleported back into past lives and also into the afterlife. None of which is available in my area. And, maybe, I am better off in some respects into not delving too closely at things I don't quite understand and in my current state of mind. James Van Praague's website has some interesting meditation courses. With the advanced courses, you can reach a level of meditation and spend a day in the afterlife with whomever you want to communicate with. The meditations are broken up throughout a day and I found it intriguing. But I have to get myself into a better state of mind before contemplating such things.

[KMB]

Emeliza, Sorry for the intrusion, but I have read in various areas that loved ones will communicate through other people to pass on messages. Our grieving and the lower vibrational energy that grieving induces prevents messages from coming directly to you. So our loved one will locate someone who is more receptive, open and not in intense grief.

I don't know if you have ever watched *Long Island Medium*. Theresa has a gift of just being around people and having spirit direct her to whomever the message she is receiving is for. Our loved ones do want to communicate. Now that they are on the other side, they have so much better perception and belief than they did in this life.

[KMB]

CKYdad, That time that you have when you'll communicate with your wife will be so special and comforting. Granted, you'll still be grieving for her physical presence no longer with you, but it will help some with the healing.

[Emeliza]

36 minutes ago, KMB said:

Emeliza, Sorry for the intrusion, but I have read in various areas that loved ones will communicate through other people to pass on messages.

You might be right, but my husband and I had lots of conversations on this and I know where he stood and how he felt about it.  I know he wouldn't send me a message thru someone else.  I know because we talked about it.  So I think that is where there is a difference.  

[Jeff In Denver]

Thanks, Emeliza.

KMB, I received a long e-mail from the foundation and from the medium - I had written to both separately.  I will boil their responses down when I get home tonight and post them here.  I can't read them at work as I get too upset.  

I don't know if I phrased the last part of my post correctly.  Someone had mentioned their feelings of extreme grief and also just the thoughts involved in thinking about the person who they lost.  The speaker then implied that maybe those thoughts weren't coming from the grief-stricken person, but rather from the person who had crossed over, and also experienced by the person still alive.  Does that make sense?  In other words, that might be a way that they were communicating with the person still alive.   I think they are suggesting what you mentioned.

Your post is very powerful.  You say so much there.  And it reminds me that this stuff is a huge project in itself, working away on grief websites (have you been on the afterlife.com forums?), researching, getting counseling, and always trying new ways to reach the person we have lost.  It feels like an endless battle sometimes.  The more I know the less I know.  I wonder how people handled this before the internet.  I couldn't image the absolute joy of spending a day with my girlfriend in the afterlife.  It seems too good (and complicated) to be true, but I hope it is!

 

[KMB]

Emeliza, I respect your opinion. The differences in this physical world and the spirit world are vast. As humans, we are given all emotions, feelings and thoughts, positive and negative. In spirit world, there is only love and peace and the full comprehension of that which we were incapable of believing here. I personally don't feel your husband is a skeptic now. You mentioned your mother received a message. Could be your husband's way of letting you know that he has changed his mind. The intensity of your pain, any anger and bitterness could be blocking you from receiving messages or signs from him. Just try to keep an open mind that his soul does exist and he most likely wants to communicate out of love.

My husband was also a skeptic. Only one time did he tell me his views. He believed that when we die, that is it. We don't exist and that is the end. Since I have had a couple of mediums readings, he quite obviously has changed his mind. He told the medium that I was right, that we do go on to a different life, a spiritual one. She didn't understand and I had to explain his belief that he had while here. He understands everything so much clearer now that I had tried to explain when he was here. He even said that our previous dog that had passed had been there to greet him when he crossed over and him and the dog are together now. My husband definitely doesn't see things the same way as he did here. His parents lived through the great depression era and did not dispose of anything and neither did my husband. The upstairs of our home is filled with all of this accumulation and while here, my husband did not want to let any of it go. He also had a passion for foreign cars and motorcycles for retirement projects. According to the medium messages, he wants me to get rid of all that clutter upstairs and other things. The material world has no meaning, nostalgic or otherwise. He realizes now that his focus should have been more spiritual and less on the material assets of the physical world. He was a workaholic like his parents and believed his self worth was having assets that proved it. His personality is still there but how he perceives things are different.

[Emeliza]

57 minutes ago, KMB said:

Emeliza, I respect your opinion. The differences in this physical world and the spirit world are vast. As humans, we are given all emotions, feelings and thoughts, positive and negative. In spirit world, there is only love and peace and the full comprehension of that which we were incapable of believing here. I personally don't feel your husband is a skeptic now. You mentioned your mother received a message. Could be your husband's way of letting you know that he has changed his mind. The intensity of your pain, any anger and bitterness could be blocking you from receiving messages or signs from him. Just try to keep an open mind that his soul does exist and he most likely wants to communicate out of love.

This does not feel like respect. I am not saying mediums don't work or that you haven't communicated with your loved on or any of that.  I am saying I know my husband.  I know what we discussed.  I am not receptive to mediums and he wasn't either.  Please do not contradict me on my knowledge of my husband.

And the same lady who had a message from my husband also asked me if she could have all his t-shirts when I was talking about how I couldn't even do his laundry (still can't 5 months in).  My husband hated t-shirts so the only ones he had were incredibly liberal political ones.  This lady is pretty conservative.  I am sure she would love his t-shirts (sarcasm).  So yeah, pretty certain he didn't share a message with her for me. 

My MIL felt like she had a message from my husband and that is fine.  If he can communicate, I bet it would be with her or me or our kids.  Not some lady he didn't even really like and had said hi to maybe twice in his life. 

[Emeliza]

KMB,  I am sorry if my tone came out harsh.  I understand what you are saying, I just don't agree right now.  I miss my husband dearly and feel he has communicated with me in multiple ways since his death.  I have no desire to share that via a medium.  I had only commented because I thought the OP was frustrated with bad results and was just trying to give a different possiblility on why his communication had not worked.  

I support you and everyone who wants to go this course for talking with their loved one and hope it brings you answers and peace.

[KMB]

Emeliza---No problems. I'm no different than anyone else on this horrific journey. We do our reading, our grief work, read other things out of curiosity, looking for answers, looking for the reason why we have to go through this. Without the internet, checking out grief articles, etc and having access to this forum, I feel our grieving and loss would have us mired down to ground zero. I have this fear that I am going to be stuck on the night of my husband's passing. I still have the feeling my life ended when his did. And in a way it did. My heart and soul is no longer really here, they are with my husband and I am just going through the motions that this life requires of me.

[Emeliza]

5 minutes ago, KMB said:

 I still have the feeling my life ended when his did. And in a way it did. My heart and soul is no longer really here, they are with my husband and I am just going through the motions that this life requires of me.

I definitely know this feeling.  Who I was is not longer who I am.  My helpmeet is gone.

I count the years to when it would be ok for me to leave this world for the next. (still have one child at home). 

I am tired.  I am tired of people saying insensitive things (lesson at church was how our trials are blessings and we should be joyful and grateful in them.  Death was used in the examples.).  I am tired of how angry I feel sometimes.  

But more than anything, I am tired of being alone, apart from the man I pledged my heat to. 

[KMB]

Jeff,  Have you given thought that you are probably communicating with Mia? ( I hope I remembered her name). But maybe just not remembering? Every time we dream, it is an out of body experience. Dreams can be vivid and real or really weird. When we are in a relaxed, deep sleep and dream, our soul leaves our body and travels around. It can travel around this physical world and in the spirit world where there are many different dimensions.

[KMB]

Emeliza, I so understand you. i am tired also. Emotionally and mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted from lack of sleep, no matter what sleeping aids I try. Tired of trying to understand why I am also left alone. Why are we allowed to meet our soul mate, fall deeply in love, enjoy life for a set amount of time and then it is all gone and empty in the blink of an eye? Yes, feeling my husband's presence once in a while and having the *knowing* that he has helped in some way to smooth out some of my challenges has brought some measure of comfort. Having received a couple of medium readings has done the same. But there will never be any real relief until my life is done here and I can be with him again. I don't have a suicide wish. But I have read where the stress of grieving does do damage to our health. 60% of widows/widowers lose their life within 4 years of loss of spouse. 75% lack a base of continued support from family/friends. I know that I am in that 75%. My own health, that is up for grabs. I am 57 and only experiencing lack of sleep and arthritis. Constant sadness is also in there. It cannot be helped. I love my husband, miss him with every breath I take, loved the life we had built together and so much is pointless to me now.

[Sadaf Nazim]

8 hours ago, KMB said:

 Every time we dream, it is an out of body experience. Dreams can be vivid and real or really weird. When we are in a relaxed, deep sleep and dream, our soul leaves our body and travels around. It can travel around this physical world and in the spirit world where there are many different dimensions.

I have read this in multiple places. And I believe it too. I believe that at times our souls travel in the other dimensions when we are asleep and sometimes interact with other persons living there. 

I have dreams of my love a lot. 22 times in last two months. Maybe because I think about him all day. Or maybe he has not really left me. I don't know. But some dreams are really different than others. In some dreams he seems like he is made up of light,  in other dreams he seems worldly (can't really describe this in words).This is my way of distinguishing when I have had a real interaction with him. 

 

[KMB]

Sadaf--- you are so fortunate to have dreams of your love. 22 times is a lot and means you are capable of having a great connection with him.

I don't sleep very well. I've tried various sleeping aids and none work for more than an hour. My mind won't let me relax enough for sleep. I did dream of my husband after he passed, but I am feeling worse as every day goes by with missing him and sleep is elusive. Life is so hard without him.

[Sadaf Nazim]

I am sorry kmb. Life really is very hard. I live with my parents, I have so understanding people with me, it's still very tough. I can't imagine how tough it would be for you and all other who are living alone. 

 

[Jeff In Denver]

14 hours ago, KMB said:

Jeff,  Have you given thought that you are probably communicating with Mia? ( I hope I remembered her name). But maybe just not remembering? Every time we dream, it is an out of body experience. Dreams can be vivid and real or really weird. When we are in a relaxed, deep sleep and dream, our soul leaves our body and travels around. It can travel around this physical world and in the spirit world where there are many different dimensions.

KMB,

First, I understand your thoughts about not being able to relax and how tough life is.  I really feel for you.  And I know that nothing that I say will help.  You are deeply immersed in this hell, you're fully involved, you help others here, and you're doing the best that you can.  I believe that you both will some day be together forever.  I also think that he is with you, watches over you, and loves you as much as you love him. I have said it before, but I am sorry that you're dealing with this nightmare.  You're carrying the pain for both of you.  If you had checked out instead of him, then he'd be dealing with this hell.

Yes, Mila!   I never thought of that I might be communicating with her.  I have to really think about that!  Your third sentence gave me a chill - in a good way.  Wow.  You just gave me a lot to think about...

 

 

[KMB]

Jeff, Thank you for understanding and your positive words. You are going through this same hell as we all are and there are no words that can convey anything about what we are each going through adequately.

I have thought about what my husband would be dealing with if I had gone first. With his health conditions, he would have had to seek out a friend to help out or hire someone. He would have been grieving just as deeply as I and it would have worked against his health. I fear he would have given up at some point. I would not want to be the one in the afterlife watching his grief and suffering. He thought I was the stronger of the two of us. I have a belief that our lives are planned out before we are born and events go the way they are meant to. None of us will have the truth and understanding until it is our turn to go.

I always thought our dreams came from our minds. It wasn't until I had done a lot of reading, that it isn't so. We each have a soul. The soul has a connection to the afterlife where we originated. I also found it interesting that when we *daydream*, our soul is actually out of our body at that time. A daydream (lucid dreaming) is the soul wandering around and we are receiving whatever it sees.

Hang in there, Jeff. Mila is with you. Our minds are having a tough time wrapping around our grieving and any information we are reading to fathom this all out. Our souls do live on, just in another place. All the knowledge we acquire about that place still is not going to ease the pain of physical loss. Nothing can take the pain away. but our minds will eventually make it somewhat easier for us to carry the pain.

[Jeff In Denver]

I had some concerns, and the medium wrote back.  It did little to make me feel better:

Just as her soul, or higher self, had chosen to find you and to be in a loving relationship with you, Mila had also chosen to leave when she did because her purpose on earth had concluded. I know that is hard to accept, when it means that her soul chose to leave the Earth life you shared…but this was actually an event that you agreed to prior to being born in this life. In time, you will come to understand.

[Jeff In Denver]

34 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

I had some concerns, and the medium wrote back.  It did little to make me feel better:

"Just as her soul, or higher self, had chosen to find you and to be in a loving relationship with you, Mila had also chosen to leave when she did because her purpose on earth had concluded. I know that is hard to accept, when it means that her soul chose to leave the Earth life you shared…but this was actually an event that you agreed to prior to being born in this life. In time, you will come to understand.

Recall that one of the first things of which she spoke was letting go of any guilt you might be feeling around dating. I thought it was odd that she brought this up right away…this type of topic is often a later topic, but it must be something you’re struggling with right now. You later told me that you were already dating, because it’s difficult to be alone. From Mila’s message, am I correct to assume you are feeling some guilt about it? Or perhaps become upset after the date that the woman is not Mila. You may even feel an ever greater sense of loss…but you’re lonely, so you date again…even though the process of dating is creating a lot of inner turmoil. Jeff, remember that  Mila’s goal in these types of readings is to bring you comfort and relief, and so she wanted you to know that it was OK, that she wants you to be happy and to feel love. She also wants you to know that your dating could never take away from what the two of you had together, that she’ll still love you and be with you for as long as you need her.  THAT was very clear to me, and if I didn’t express that properly, I apologize."

 

As long as I need her?  That felt like a punch!  Why would I not need her?  She is forever.  It also doesn't sound like someone who was very possessive and jealous of me, sometimes for good reason.  I don't want her to let me go!

 

 

 

[claribassist13]

1 hour ago, Jeff In Denver said:

 

Jeff, 

I'm so sorry that your session did not go as well as you hoped for. I cannot add anything to that, as I don't know anything about it, but I can only imagine the disappointment and frustration that you must have felt. 

As for what the medium told you (specifically: "...she'll still love you and be with you for as long as you need her."), I just want to share my perspective. 
I have always believed that my fiance, since his passing, has learned all of the world secrets and inner workings. Things which confuse us now have been made clear to him. He has an understanding and a perspective which encompasses so much more than that what we can possibly conceive. 
I think that perspective applies to grief as well. 

To be clear, I don't claim to know what Mila or the medium meant, but if that was the message my fiance gave me, I would see it as that our love will never die, but there will also come a point in time where I will not need him in the same manner that I did before. When he first died, all I wanted was his physical presence, to him to remind me that he did love me, that he chose to be with me for that reason. I wanted, needed, to be assured by him that we weren't gone, that I hadn't dreamed up the last 3 years of my life. 
I still feel that way some days, but my need for him has grown more spiritual, if that makes sense? It's been a year for me, and in that year I have had to accept the fact that I won't get what I want. What I can have though are the words and gestures he left me with. What I want now is to know that he's watching, that he follows my life, that he's proud of what I have tried to do for myself. 
I'm sure that relationship will change again, but the relationship will never be lost. He played a central role in the person I have become; he is such an integral part of my life... I will never stop loving him, I will never stop needing him, but I think that the ways in which I need him will change as time passes. 

I'd like to think that maybe that is what Mila/the medium meant by that comment. 

Mila will never stop loving you. Mila will never abandon you. The relationship will change, as all relationships do, but the relationship will last forever. 

[KMB]

Clari---So very well said. This grieving we are doing eventually evolves on its own to different stages. We will always love and miss that person and they will always love us.

[Jeff In Denver]

Claribassist13, thank you for your perspective.  You have made some good points, and I appreciate your kind words.   I don't know what to believe.  Mila's birthday is tomorrow.  Last year tonight we threw a huge party for her, with many of her South American friends here.  She was starting to do a little worse then.  Tonight will be so much different.  I never hear from her friends.

It's been a tough year for you, and my heart goes out to you.  How often do you think about your fiance?  Does the grief come in waves for you?

I wish a medium just said this to me:

"Mila says to do what you have to do to go through life. I will be here for you.  I will love you as before, I will always be with you, I will know that you will love me, and I will see to it that we will be together forever when the time comes.  Please know that, don't worry, believe it, and take comfort in that."

I have mentioned that to the psychologist who I see twice per month.  Her answer sent a good chill through me:  "How do you know that you're not acting as your own medium?"  Wow!  Does that make sense?

 

[Emeliza]

31 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

 

I have mentioned that to the psychologist who I see twice per month.  Her answer sent a good chill through me:  "How do you know that you're not acting as your own medium?"  Wow!  Does that make sense?

 

This made sense to me.  You knew her.  You know how she feels about you and out of anyone, I think you would be most apt at getting or receiving a message from her.  I think your psychologist is on to something.

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you!

[KMB]

Jeff,---Ditto on that one. Listen to your own intuition, it is your soul speaking to you. Your soul and Mila's are entwined.

[Jeff In Denver]

48 minutes ago, KMB said:

Jeff,---Ditto on that one. Listen to your own intuition, it is your soul speaking to you. Your soul and Mila's are entwined.

That helps so much!

[Sadaf Nazim]

Yes. It happens with me too. Sometimes I write a letter to myself assuming I am him. When I read it afterwards it feels like it was written exactly by him., his handwriting, his style of speaking. Everything. 

I don't know if it makes any sense or I am just going crazy. 

[KMB]

Sadaf---what you are speaking of and are doing is called automatic writing. We tune into our loved one and their spirit messages come out automatically thru the writing, their words and most times their own hand writing style. Impressive!

[Jeff In Denver]

39 minutes ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Yes. It happens with me too. Sometimes I write a letter to myself assuming I am him. When I read it afterwards it feels like it was written exactly by him., his handwriting, his style of speaking. Everything. 

I don't know if it makes any sense or I am just going crazy. 

That is terrific.  I envy you.  I hope this happens a lot more for you.

[Sadaf Nazim]

It may be a sign from him. It's also possible that I know him from so many years since he was 10, and now I know everything about how he would react and what he would think and say in any situation, including the style of the his writing. So this all is just me, and there are no signs from him.

I am not sure about anything. 

[KMB]

Sadaf, Take it any way that brings you the comfort you are seeking. I'm not sure of anything myself. Every day that I get out of bed, I wonder, what now today? How is it that I am still here when all my heart is telling me is that I want to be with my husband but God hasn't decided that it is time for me yet. I know that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and it is so difficult. It is said that this grief journey gets easier over time, it has to a certain extent, but the sadness is always there and so are the tears ready to fall at any given moment.

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you all!

I understand that what I want isn't necessarily what is reality, but the idea of our relationship changing, etc., is a painful one for me.  Again, maybe I am being unrealistic, but I hope that her emotions, feelings, and love for me continue today, as mine do for her,  and that we are able to pick up where we left off in the afterlife.  Just my 2 cents...

I'll do some more research with Swedenborg.

 

 

[KMB]

Jeff, None of us want this so called reality that we got dumped into so suddenly. This world we live in doesn't give a damn what our life was like before we lost our loved ones. I hang on to the belief that love never dies, it never changes as to how we knew it. I hang onto the belief that we will be reunited again someday. It has become my only hope as to get each day behind me, one day closer to that reunion. My true feelings here are contradictory to what you and I have been reading and researching on. To get away from that madness of complexities, I have to go back to the basics of grieving and hang on to what I feel in my heart to be true.

[Mila24]

Jeff,

I was recently told something very similar.  I'm paraphrasing but essentially it was along the lines of if we are feeling that intense love for them, including our grief, then they are most likely feeling it too.  It's about that connection.  So, if for some reason they crossed and realized that their love for us was not what they thought or if they moved on in some way, we would start to feel the same.  We wouldn't grieve as much.  My friend said it much better but I hope you get the point of what she tried to share with me.  It gave me some hope.

[claribassist13]

On 1/27/2017 at 4:58 PM, Jeff In Denver said:

Claribassist13, thank you for your perspective.  You have made some good points, and I appreciate your kind words.   I don't know what to believe.  Mila's birthday is tomorrow.  Last year tonight we threw a huge party for her, with many of her South American friends here.  She was starting to do a little worse then.  Tonight will be so much different.  I never hear from her friends.

It's been a tough year for you, and my heart goes out to you.  How often do you think about your fiance?  Does the grief come in waves for you?

I wish a medium just said this to me:

"Mila says to do what you have to do to go through life. I will be here for you.  I will love you as before, I will always be with you, I will know that you will love me, and I will see to it that we will be together forever when the time comes.  Please know that, don't worry, believe it, and take comfort in that."

I have mentioned that to the psychologist who I see twice per month.  Her answer sent a good chill through me:  "How do you know that you're not acting as your own medium?"  Wow!  Does that make sense?

 

I think it's important to try and gather different perspectives. Sometimes it helps us realize our own thoughts. Other times, it's just a different perspective. 
You don't need to know what to believe. It is something you will figure out along the way. 

Happy Birthday, Mila!
I know that this birthday will be hard for you. Just remember to do something, anything, to honor her memory. That is the best thing you can do. Maybe trying going somewhere the two of you did or eat her favorite foods. 
I'm sorry you won't have the support that you would like. It's difficult when friends leave, when they seem to abandon you. 

The past year has been tough, and I appreciate your kind thoughts. I think about PJ all the time. He's never far from the forefront of my mind.
My grief does come in waves. I'll go several days feeling okay-ish, and then I'll go several days being really low. Sometimes things will trigger the grief. For example, today makes a year since we discovered the engagement ring he bought me. Today has been full of weird feelings. 
I am sure that you have found that the same thing. 

I wish the medium could have said that to you as well. Keep in mind that you are the one who knows the love that you and Mila shared. 

That does make sense! I believe that we are constantly receiving signs from our loved ones. It's up to us to interpret what they mean. 
I often find that music acts like that. I am constantly hearing songs that were special to the two of us/remind me of him. 

I'm so glad you are seeing someone, that you are taking such an active role in your grief. You are working hard to process and understand, and it will make a huge difference for you. 

[Sadaf Nazim]

6 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

I think about PJ all the time. He's never far from the forefront of my mind.
 

 

Clari, he is a lucky guy. And he would be proud of you and how you are dealing with all this. 

I have asked several person about this, but I want to know your perspective (if it's okay with you to share it). You are almost my age.  I want to know how you look at the rest of your life. From your posts, it is clear how much you love your fiance. I want to know how you think about your future. Maybe it would help me a little. 

I would appreciate that a lot. 

[KayC]

I think it helps NOT to look at the rest of our lives.  It can feel overwhelming in the early years and invite anxiety.  Taking a day at a time is healthier.

[MLG23]

On 1/27/2017 at 3:53 PM, claribassist13 said:

When he first died, all I wanted was his physical presence, to him to remind me that he did love me, that he chose to be with me for that reason. I wanted, needed, to be assured by him that we weren't gone, that I hadn't dreamed up the last 3 years of my life. 

I still feel that way some days, but my need for him has grown more spiritual, if that makes sense? 

This perspective of the change in need is so beautiful. I hope I reach that same level someday. It also really hits me since I too have some problems of almost believing our years together can just be gone. But looking forward, I understand a change on the horizon is a positive thing to gain.

[MLG23]

Also Jeff I apologize for another "dud"!! Maybe your girlfriend has been communicating to you in other ways? Sometimes words just don't do enough. My fiancé was never a words guy, he even had a hard time writing notes to me. I have found random coins that aren't there then are, blackbirds are some of my favorites and I have had one follow me on my walks before. Just things like that to me show I still have him looking out for me and supporting my decisions. Maybe some of those little things have been happening?! I am sure she will communicate as much as possible.

[Jeff In Denver]

21 hours ago, Mila24 said:

Jeff,

I was recently told something very similar.  I'm paraphrasing but essentially it was along the lines of if we are feeling that intense love for them, including our grief, then they are most likely feeling it too.  It's about that connection.  So, if for some reason they crossed and realized that their love for us was not what they thought or if they moved on in some way, we would start to feel the same.  We wouldn't grieve as much.  My friend said it much better but I hope you get the point of what she tried to share with me.  It gave me some hope.

Mila24,

First, as trite as it might sound, I am so sorry about your loss...

Your perspective is an interesting one.  I think I understand.  Are you going through the same thing now - the intense grief?

It is VERY intense for me.  I go through some times when I feel a (reduced) sense of normal.  But then the wave hits and it's devastating.  I think about her all the time,no matter what. I'd like to think that we both feel the same way, which is what really intrigued me about your post.

[Jeff In Denver]

The medium I mentioned has been in touch we me via email, and she wants me to call her today to go over a few things.  She has a good heart.  She just sent me this.  And the last sentence really got me!  To be clear, I hate the whole reincarnation thing.  

"In the meantime, – trust that she loves you very much. But try to understand that love for you or me is a human experience – with emotional and physical components. It’s is also tied in with ego and other aspects of self. For her, love is actually the energy she lives within – it’s much more profound. Deeper and broader, if you will. She sees you and experiences love for you through a lens that encompasses ALL of the relationships you’ve had over your lives together, and I don’t doubt there have been many. The way in which I experienced her energy is something I want to describe to you again on the phone—her peace, her compassion, her love is very light, pure, genuine. It’s different from the heart gripping emotion that we as humans feel. Let me be really clear here: that the nature of her love feels different doesn’t mean she loves you Iess; but rather MORE. She loves you soul to soul (ooh – just got full body tingles on that; she’s here with me (!) and just corrected what I was about to write, which was “loves you as a soul. ” She prefers “soul to soul.”)"

[Jeff In Denver]

12 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

(I deleted the text to save space).

Claribassist13, thank you so much for wishing her a happy birthday.  We have a Mexican friend who took us to a Mexican buffet restaurant in Aurora, CO last winter.  It's about 30 minutes east.  She couldn't eat much but she had a really good time.  Well, yesterday this guy drove to my house, picked me up and took me there and back.  Very nice of him.  We had set it up a week ago.  He didn't know that it was Mila's birthday.  I told him, and it made him wonder, as did I...  You know?  I looked at the seat where she sat last year.  I felt sad.  I can't help but wonder if yesterday's timing was just a coincidence.

At night I lit a white candle in front of her picture, held her ring, and had the box of ashes nearby and talk to her.  It was so hard.  I begged her for a sign.  I am not trying to move on or heal. I love her even more than before.

I  understand what you mean about the highs and lows.  How did you make it through yesterday?  Did you do anything different or special for him?  It had to be a hard day for you.  Are you talking with friends and family about PJ, a counselor, or anyone like that?  I hope you're able to discuss him without people being dismissive, patronizing, or hurtful.  It's hard to find people like that.  Do you find talking with people who knew him helps you?

Thank you again.

 

 

 

[KMB]

Jeff, I just read your post of what you relayed from the medium. It is along the lines of what I was trying to explain in our messages. This physical world and being human is different than the spiritual. On the other side, they feel even more love for us, soul to soul. We helped them to fulfill their purpose here. It is our ego and sense of self that intensifies our grieving with the physical absence. Mila will always be with you.

[Jeff In Denver]

1 hour ago, KMB said:

Jeff, I just read your post of what you relayed from the medium. It is along the lines of what I was trying to explain in our messages. This physical world and being human is different than the spiritual. On the other side, they feel even more love for us, soul to soul. We helped them to fulfill their purpose here. It is our ego and sense of self that intensifies our grieving with the physical absence. Mila will always be with you.

KMB,

Thank you.  I will soon respond to your thoughtful and helpful email.  What is soul-to-soul love?  Is that the deepest, most meaningful?

[claribassist13]

15 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Clari, he is a lucky guy. And he would be proud of you and how you are dealing with all this. 

I have asked several person about this, but I want to know your perspective (if it's okay with you to share it). You are almost my age.  I want to know how you look at the rest of your life. From your posts, it is clear how much you love your fiance. I want to know how you think about your future. Maybe it would help me a little. 

I would appreciate that a lot. 

 

Sadaf, 

I hope so. I would most certainly not be the woman I am today without his unending love and belief in me.
It's something I often wonder about, as I am sure you do as well. 

How I look at my life? Like KayC said, I try not to think too far into the future. I mean, I'm in the process of obtaining my Bachelor's degree, so there is some amount of the future I have to look at, but I try not to think about the big things like future relationships or kids or anything like that. 
I view my life now as an opportunity to honor his memory and help him to carry out his passions. PJ wanted to be a doctor, so I have focused my research in the medical field. I hope to help people, just as he wanted to help people. I try to emulate his strengths, show his love and kindness towards people, be the support and voice of reason that he was to me. 

The way I see it, I now have the great privilege and responsibility of carrying his name, memory, and reputation forward. 
I strive every day to make him proud of me. I try to do things in his memory because that is the best way I can show my love for him now. 

Sadaf, you are barely 2 months in this awful situation. My perspective has taken me over a year to form, and even then there are still days where I struggle immensely. The best thing you can do right now is to narrow your view of the "future" to more manageable pieces. Give yourself time to go through all the firsts, to feel the wide range of feelings that you are going to feel. Allow yourself to cry when you need it, don't feel bad for feeling numb or for laughing every so often. Celebrate the little victories you accomplish throughout the day (like getting out of bed, taking a shower, etc.). Take the time to process your loss and to take care of yourself. That is the best way you can honor your love right now. 

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me.