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Can't live with the guilt


Bataa

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Hello. I have lost my mother last November. It still feels like the day I lost her. Even worse, if it's possible. I constantly think about the little things she asked me to do and I put off. Mean things I've said to her that could have upset her. All the things I didn't do for her. She was the most loving, selfless person I know and in the end she did not receive the love she deserved in time. Her death was sudden. She wasn't even that sick. She was supposed to get her gall stone removed and return to her normal life in a week. Now I mourn every day, every minute for her future that was robbed. I don't think I can live with myself.

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Hey, Bataa.

I'm so sorry you lost your Mom.  I had to re-read your post for a second, because it could've been written by me word-for-word. 

I lost my Mom very suddenly last November, and am plagued by all the things I didn't do for her.  I had saved a bunch of voicemails she sent me, and realized how many little things she asked me to help her with that I responded to with impatience.  A few weeks before she died, I came to visit her and she asked me multiple times to stay an extra day, but I couldn't be bothered because I thought I'd be back for Thanksgiving.  I spent more time traveling than I did spending quality time with her even though she had chronic pain. 

I hope you find comfort.  I wish I knew what to say except that I know exactly how you're feeling.  Oh--something that may help is that you may have been better than you thought.  As I've gone through Mom's things, I found all these cards and notes I wrote to Mom and some of them are decent in giving my Mom all the love and kindness that she deserved. 

Please keep writing.  There is a great community here.

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Dear Bataa,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your mother. I'm so sorry for all the pain and sorrow. Its a big shock when we lose our mother or father. And I know we all have a lot of guilt. There are so many questions and what-ifs. Its only natural. I too have been looking for answers and finding little comfort. I know we wish we could go back in time and change things. I think the reason we have this guilt is because we loved our parents so much. Its still very early for us in our grief journey. People have suggested these things to me, so I'm passing them along. Try writing in a journal, creating a memory box, visiting your mom at the cemetery or creating a ritual to honor her. I know its not easy. Thinking of you. Please try to be kind to yourself. You could not have known what was to happen. Our parents will continue to love us no matter what we said or did. I know they would. And they would want us to be gentle with ourselves.

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I am terribly sorry for your loss. I know EXACTLY what you mean. My mother passed away in her sleep last month. We were on the phone the 19th making Christmas plans and the next morning she didn't wake up from her sleep. She was as healthy as could be. Not even so much as a cold. She sacrificed sooooo much for me and was beyond selfless. And me? I was always too "busy" to be bothered. Even when I was relaxing at home and didn't want to be troubled I would get impatient over her long conversations on the phone just go I could go back to doing nothing. She had been retired for several years and was often lonely and bored but heaven forbid I make time for her. Yet I always had time for friends. Now I'm left with enourmous amount of guilt and anger towards myself. I don't even look for comfort from it because I feel like I deserve to feel that pain. I don't feel like I should ever forgive myself. There is nothing I wouldn't give if God would allow me so much as another second with her. 

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Dear all, I feel I have to comment because one of the worst things I feel over my father's death is deep, deep guilt over the way I was with him. He was rather a strange and difficult man and could not show his love for me in a normal way. He acted like he didn't care that much and that made me rebel against him, mock things he said, talk badly about him behind his back. All I wanted was for him to love me and I was convinced he didn't. The last time I saw him I was a b**** to him. We made up but I decided there and then to stop getting on his case all the time and to make it all up to him. Shortly after, my sister rang to tell me he'd died and the agony of losing him was mixed with the agony of the guilt I felt over the way I treated him and would now never ever ever be able to put it all right.

After his death, once I really thought about it and pieced it all together, I realised he did love me even if he couldn't show it in the usual way and would have gone to his grave thinking I didn't care about him. People tell me that he "knew" because he was my father. But that's not enough for me. How could he have known if I acted like I didn't??

I, too, believe that I deserve to feel terrible for the rest of my life. My dad had a sad, unhappy life for the most part and I only added to it. Now I can't remember why and I hate myself for it.

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Dear Ladybird,

I'm so sorry. I think we all go through the what-ifs after such a traumatic loss. I too wish I could go back in time. I read something from a grief counselor yesterday that resonated with me. I felt so guilty about the entire year leading up to my dad's death. And even the final day. I regretted being impatient with him. Because two hours after leaving him, he died. And he was alone. I never wanted him to be alone. The grief counselor said we shouldn't feel guilty because in our hearts we never intended to hurt that person. It was never our intention to hurt anyone. Like all relationships there will be ups and downs. No relationship is perfect. I know everything is easier said than done. But he said to let the guilt go because you never intended to hurt him. You only wanted your dad's love and attention. Validation and acknowledgement. I too hated myself and still do, but I'm trying hard not too. I hope you will too. Thinking of you.

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Thank you @reader- I know I need to let it go as there is nothing I can do about it now and torturing myself won't make it better but I feel I deserve it for not always being that nice to my dad despite knowing he probably didn't have long left. I really didn't mean to hurt him, I just craved his love and attention as you say, but I can't stand the thought of him thinking I didn't care. I just hope he knew he was loved dearly but he was a very negative person and probably sat there thinking no-one cared about him. If only I could tell him I did because now he will never know..

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Dear Ladybird,

Its only natural to have these thoughts. Have you considered writing a letter to your dad? I have read these suggestions where mourners can write letters to those who have passed. Another suggestion would be to put this letter in a balloon and let it float into the sky. As a symbol of giving your good thoughts and love back to your dad. I talk to my dad at his grave site. I tell him how sorry I am. And sometimes I talk out loud too as if my dad is still in the room. These are only suggestions. We are all so different. What works for one person might not work for another. I know it still hurts. I try not to torture myself either and continue to live my life. But sometimes my mind won't let it go. Please try to be as kind and gentle with yourself as possible. I  know we wanted to tell our dad's while they were alive, but I think they knew we loved them. And that it was life. And in life nothing is ever perfect.

 

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Hello @reader,

I will try the letter thing. It might help, I just wish he could read it! That is what is torture. Even if I know how I feel, he will never know.

I think the guilty stays with us all our lives but hopefully with time it'll get easier to bear. I don't feel I deserve to be kind with myself but hating myself isn't exactly helpful either. Thank you for your suggestions and messages, I guess we are all in the same boat :s

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Dear Ladybird,

Nice to hear from you again. I know what you mean. I know how much you want your dad to know how you felt. Its only normal. I do too.

I read this other thing the grief counselor said. That we mustn't dwell on the last day of the person's passing. We must look back at the whole relationship. And try to remember a good day we had with our fathers. One moment. And try to think of that moment that will make us smile or laugh. We cannot define our relationship with only the bad moments.

I know its hard on us women and as daughters. We take to heart so much of the guilt and regrets. And some times even the right words feel empty. Hopefully its true that with more time we will not feel as tortured and the feelings will be less intense.

Thank you for your replies. And kind replies. I am so grateful to everything here. I still struggle every day. But as you said we are all in the same boat. And all the posters here are my life jackets keeping me afloat.

Take care my friend.

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Hello @reader,

Same for me, it is really helping to talk about it. I don't have anyone to talk to so letting off steam here is a godsend. I think you are right when you say we should look at the whole relationship and not just the last bit of it which, in my case, wasn't great. Hopefully my dad knew that he was loved so much by his children.

I really think that time is the only thing that can help as words just don't hit the spot! But I think we will always keep our regrets and guilt. My mother still feels them about my grandmother's death 17 years ago. I know that's life but it's such a horrid horrid part of it!

I hope you (and everyone here) eventually find peace :)

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Thank you Ladybird. Me too. I hope me and everyone here eventually will have some peace. It is a struggle.

I'm sorry for your mom's loss. I too feel like I will carry this loss of my father with me for the rest of my life. I know it was not something I could escape because everyone eventually will pass. But I so desperately wanted more time. I guess no matter what I would have always wanted more time.

Thank you again for your kind replies. Take care my friend.

 

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Looking back on the whole relationship, as mentioned above, is definitely true. The last 2 years of my life with my mother was challenging but we still had great times. It wasn't until we were making collages for her funeral that i really stopped to think of her whole life fully through the pictures with other's in the family. It is way too easy to get stuck in the final days and the what if's leading to the death. I'm still struggling so much, but it sometimes help to think of the full life she lead despite our ups and downs. The less pretty aspects of relationships are there for everyone, but death is was causes us to put the negative aspects under the microscope. We are human afterall but it doesn't always make it easier while grieving.

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