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Missing him feeling "worse?"


Mrs. Plummer

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How can a person be in incredible pain and yet know it's progress? Some aspects of my grief have got somewhat easier... But, going into the third month of my darling husband's dying, the past fortnight has seen a terrible, thudding sense of missing Ken that in some ways feels actually worse - I am back to crying all day without much let-up sometimes. Something tells me that this is because the shock of him going is wearing off, and now there's just the naked, blunt knowledge that he's gone, which has brought a terrible absence and pining with it. To be as positive as I can, I'm pretty sure it's a necessary stage - and therefore "good" even if it doesn't feel so hot...

Can anybody relate? I wonder if there are any articles that people could point me to...

Thanks,

Louise

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It just comes in waves.  Sometimes there is more breathing room between the waves.  I know at 4 1/2 months I through I was past the crying all the time to the weepy sometimes stage and all the sudden out of no where I had over a week where I cried all the time again.  It lasted around 9 days and now I am back to probably crying 2-4 times a day, but they are shorter, easier cries. 

I miss and long for my husband so much.  But day to day, I am doing ok right now.  Or ok compared to how I was.  The other day someone asked me how I was doing and I said "good". Old reflex response, but that was progress.  Prior (and since) I always think about my darling being gone when that question is asked.

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Louise,

Crying is part of our processing our grief.  I don't know if you've ever canned anything, but when you use a pressure cooker, there is a release valve on it.  When you bring the canner to a boil, you let it build the pressure and steam comes out several minutes before you cap it and keep it at the correct processing temperature.

So it is with us.  I think of the tears as the release, without which we might explode...or implode.  Tears are healing, it's good to let them flow.  You will find times that you don't cry, and carry your grief like a sadness inside of you, and that's okay too.  You just don't want to suppress anything...if you feel like crying, let it flow.

I looked for an article and found one on taking care of ourselves, but nothing about the tears per sae, yet all the same, I find this article that I posted the other day of value:
http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2016/3/23/wallowing

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Jeff In Denver

Louise,  I am sorry to hear how you're feeling, but it's pretty normal.  Emeliza is right - it comes in waves.  You can be coasting along, thinking that you're adapting, when you get hit hard.  I am at work today and am barely able to hold it together.  I have to hide from the people I work with.

Scottish Dr.  Bill Webster has several YouTube videos about this.  He lost his wife at an early age, and he knows what he's talking about.

 

 

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Louise, We are all with you here. The crying does come in waves and they are not all the same size. I still cry, but it comes in shorter bursts and sometimes the tears just start rolling of their own accord. I do carry sadness with me at all times though. Even if I am trying to focus on something else, talking on the phone or face to face with someone, the sadness is lurking in the background and I am fully aware of it. At times, the sadness goes beyond into depression like symptoms where I'll go back to bed and try to block out everything, either by trying to focus my vision on what is on tv, closing my eyes and focusing on just the dialogue on tv or even pulling the pillow over my head trying to drown out all the thoughts and images from my own mind. You are right, the shock is wearing off and we are left with the knowledge of acceptance. The reality of absence, the desiring and yearning for our spouses to be back at our side is always there. Some days are worse than others. I guess it is what it is. Time does help the body and mind to adapt to a somewhat better functioning degree. We are so new to this loss that was forced onto us and I feel we are like the blind leading the blind. We are individuals, but we are bound together by our grieving. When I read of someone losing their partner to suicide on here, it saddens me to no end. Because, in my state of mind, I understand why that person decided to check themselves out. Emotional and mental anguish can be all consuming, but for me, I do not want to disappoint my husband that I am not as strong as he thought me to be. So I just keep praying for continual daily strength until God finally says it is time for me to be reunited with my husband.

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Ms.Plumber

I can relate you what you're feeling.  I'm not quite 2 months in (Feb 6 will be 2 months) but I feel and have those roller coaster days.   One day, I'm getting by just fine and the next minute, I'm having my own tsunami.  Prior to my husband death, my life was going in a good direction; I had an identity, I had a purpose, a reason; I was able to say I was Ms. Charles Stewart, and I said it proudly.  My husband was part of my identify but since his passing, I don't know who I am any longer.  In my heart, I continue to be somebody's mother, sister, aunt, friend, but there's a vacant place where my husband once stood.  Eventually, I am told that I will begin to take steps to move from the "old" me to the "new" me (whatever that means) but, I'm frightened to death.  I don' want a "new" me; I  want my norm back, my comfort back, my life back, MY HUSBAND back.  

I know that death is only a porthole to eternity that we all must enter.   Our loved ones have gone through that porthole and now exists in a new time, new place, new reality. A place with there is no pain, no hurt, no suffering.   A place where we can only imagine.   The relationship we knew has now been transformed from the physical to the spiritual - it hasn't ended - it has only changed.

I know God makes no mistakes - he loves me more than I Iove myself.  He cares for me and knows my hurt and pain.   He never said the journey would  be easy, but he promised to be there with us when they were not.   I pray you find strength in your spirit; peace for your soul, and love in your heart.  God Bless!

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I want to say thankyou, my friends, for your replies here. I feel bad when I post and then don't return and thank people - it's a question of energy...

The last week has been a nightmarish mishmash of feeling vast emptiness as I face new levels of what I call "Kenlessness."

Thanks for your replies, good people, I'm going to give them a good read. xo

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It's been almost four months and I've been crying again. It's like the reality sets in that he is never ever going to come back. I'll be living this long life without him and our daughter will be growing up without him. I really really hate this.

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25 minutes ago, Chasisdope said:

It's been almost four months and I've been crying again. It's like the reality sets in that he is never ever going to come back. I'll be living this long life without him and our daughter will be growing up without him. I really really hate this.

Me too, love. I figure that since it's been forced on me, I might as well try and do it with as much grace as possible, but sometimes it's hard. I am so sorry for the loss you and your little girl bear xo

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I catch myself with an urge to find out what my husband is thinking. Sometimes I'm sitting around and then I suddenly think if he misses me or still loves me. It makes me want to text him or get in touch with him like I usually would. It just truly sucks. 

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My girl is still in my favorite contacts in my phone. Our text thread is still in my messaging app. It sometimes feels unreal, like I should be able to text her or even call her and expect a response.

If she is alive and well in some kind of afterworld, I just wish I could know for sure, that she's ok and that she's waiting for me.

It sucks...

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