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I miss my best friend


Knhedges

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I miss how child-like and goofy he could be. I miss how smart he was. I miss how caring and compassionate he was. I miss him grabbing my hand and kissing it while we were in the car. I miss his hugs. I miss his kisses. I miss his reassurance. I miss his laugh. I miss our jokes. I miss watching him read bedtime stories to my oldest daughter. I miss watching them play outside together. I miss cleaning up after his messes. I miss our conversations. I miss our Thursday night routine of going to dairy queen and getting blizzards. I miss having him open the front door before I could even put my key into the lock whenever I got home from work. I miss finishing each other's sentences.

My God, I just miss him so much. I know the pain will ease over time, but how do I get past this intense longing? How can I function for the rest of my life missing him this badly?

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Knhedges 

I understand you. I just don't know what to say. I am going through all this myself. Just know that we are here for you. 

 

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I don't have an answer either, but I understand the feelings.

For me at 5 months, the waves don't crash quite as often.  When they do, they are awful, but it gives me hope that in time it will lessen even more.  I don't think the ache ever leaves though.

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Knhedges

Your post was spot on.  We all know that pain of missing and it hurts like hell. When I lost my husband, I lost my life.   Now there are so many "holes" in my life -  a hole at the dinner table, in the car, the seat next to me at church or the restaurant, on the other end of the phone, extra space in the house and less sounds around me   I know It will take sometime before I stop looking, searching or reaching out in conversation as though he was still here.  It's not just the loss that's so painful, it's all the other losses I experienced that occurred as a result of his loss - the new normal for me  - my thoughts, my sleep, my appetite, my work and worship are all affected.  The mere thought of not having my husband no longer in my life - what we never had nor will have is shocking and so painful (it brings tears to my eyes as I'm writing this)

 

10 hours ago, Knhedges said:

How can I function for the rest of my life missing him this badly?

One second, minute, day at a time Knowing that his spirit (the essence of who he was) still exists. Knowing that the love you two shared will always be.  Knowing that love triumphs over death. Knowing that life is a challenge that we all much endure (good or bad), but also knowing that God, our Creator, is with you every step of your journey.  He knows your pain and hears your cries.   He is the source of our lives. God is love, peace abundance, power, strength, mercy, truth, balance and joy.   Open your heart and let him - he'll do the rest.

Besides, you'll need to concentrate on loving and raising that beautiful baby. :D  Hugs and kiss to you and God Bless!

 

 

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Knhedges---As you can see from all the posts, we do understand and feel as you do. This road is quite bumpy and long, but we will make it through. Someday, we will be in our partner's arms again and at that time, we won't have to let go. When it is my time to leave this life and I see my husband's hand reaching out, I am going to grab on with all my might and not let go of him ever again. We will have eternal life and this hell on earth we are going through will fade away. It will be worth the wait, I have to believe that.

How are your little ones doing?

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I'm sorry there are so many people that have to feel the same way I do... I wouldn't wish this on anyone (except for in my dark days when I'm so angry at the driver who hit Dylan that I wish all the pain in the world on her...not proud of it, but it is what it is.)

The kids are doing well. Baby Emily is great, she's a good baby. She has her moments of fussiness but for the most part, as long as she's fed and clean, she doesn't cry much at all. My oldest daughter is totally in love with her and is such a good big sister... She helps me a lot. If I need a diaper or a new outfit she doesn't hesitate to go get it for me.

I just feel like I'm going crazy here. I'm living with my parents. All of my belongings are spread out either stuffed in this bedroom or in the garage. All of the kids stuff is stuffed in this bedroom too. I feel no sense of responsibility. I'm not trying to mooch off my parents but they're just kind of doing everything I was always so used to doing. I go to do my laundry and my mom's already grabbed it and done it. I can clean my room but it's just a bedroom... Doesnt take much to clean it... Mom takes care of the dog now because he's basically her dog now. He'll probably stay here if I ever move out... He's grown fond of my mom and her dog. Dad is always grocery shopping and cooking. 

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that I am here because I don't think I could handle being alone right now. But at the same time not having anything to do makes it so hard to get out of bed. I have nowhere to go, no one to see... And now no errands to run, no chores to do. Since I got home from the hospital Wednesday I haven't left my room except to make and clean bottles, and occasionally eat something (now that the baby is here I don't bother making myself eat anymore. If I get hungry I'll eat but it's not often).

Just feels like I'm stuck. I hate it...

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Knhedges, Things will get easier for you I hope. Thank you for letting us know how the children are doing. When Emily gets bigger, staying awake longer and the baby talking starts, you'll have more to do with interacting with her. It  might feel that your parents have kinda taken over everything but they are just trying to be helpful.

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6 minutes ago, KMB said:

Knhedges, Things will get easier for you I hope. Thank you for letting us know how the children are doing. When Emily gets bigger, staying awake longer and the baby talking starts, you'll have more to do with interacting with her. It  might feel that your parents have kinda taken over everything but they are just trying to be helpful.

Oh I know, and I appreciate it. It's just a double edged sword. Living alone would be too hard but not having normal household things to do is just making it harder to find a reason to get out of bed.

There is no solution. At least not right now. Just going to have to deal with it... But really, that's all life is anymore. Just day after day of "dealing with it".  

Sorry for being so negative. Its been a bad couple of days. I was pretty numb in the hospital (yay pain pills) but now I cuddle this baby and feel Dylan's absence more than ever. In the middle of the night I imagine him next to me helping me with feedings and diaper changes. When I'm cleaning bottles I imagine being back at our apartment in our kitchen cleaning them while he's cuddling her in the living room.

When Emily drifts off to sleep she always smiles. I like to think it's Dylan giving her kisses. It helps me feel better for a minute or two..

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I wish that I had the answer for you.  But I feel exactly as you do.  When I saw your Angel date I immediately knew why.

*hugs* One day at a time I guess is our best strategy.  Already some days are terrible and others are somewhat less terrible.  I always miss Kevin.

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I'm right there with you. I miss everything about my Heidi every minute of everday. I'm almost at 2 months. Still feels like it just happened. I'm still angry when I wake up in the morning simply because I wake up and I'm not with her. I still don't see the point in going on besides the boys. I have to force myself to do anything. It hasn't gotten any easier or lightened up at all. I'm still madly in love with her. Still can't see a future without her. I know I'm not helping matters for you just want you to know I'm right next to you in this hell. 

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Tommy, We are here for you and reading your posts. I understand when you say you can't see a future without Heidi. But you do have your boys that need you and raising them will be beneficial in a lot of ways.

I am close to the 60 year mark and I see no future without my husband, Ed. We were comfortable together, set in our ways, as it is for many in our ageing years. We spent a lot of time together and even though we had mutual friends, it was mostly the two of us. Those friends have gone back to their lives and only one stays in constant contact. We have 2 pets and they are on the elderly side also and when I talk to my husband, in my head or out loud, I tell him what will be the point of my existence when they are gone. They will be with him in Heaven and I'll be here totally alone. My husband was my life. Nothing could possibly come along for me to top that off. I just want to be with him and I will someday.

Hang in there Tommy, for yourself and your boys. Heidi is counting on you in raising those boys.

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13 hours ago, Knhedges said:

But at the same time not having anything to do makes it so hard to get out of bed.

Maybe talk to your mom about your having certain responsibilities so you feel a sense of purpose, however small.  She could leave you and the kids' laundry for you to do.  If she cooks, you could do dishes.  You could run a vacuum cleaner for her.  It's going to be a huge adjustment, otherwise, when you do move out on your own someday.

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14 hours ago, Knhedges said:

In the middle of the night I imagine him next to me helping me with feedings and diaper changes.

When Emily drifts off to sleep she always smiles. I like to think it's Dylan giving her kisses. It helps me feel better for a minute or two..

I can so attest to what you are saying. Having AJ on Christmas day was one of the best moments of my life. It was also very painful as that was Weaver's favorite holiday. AJ too smiles when he is drifting off to sleep, and I smile hoping that he and his father are having some father/son time in that moment. When feeding or changing AJ, I always think how things would be different if Weaver was still around. 

I too am staying with my mother and step father and feel so blessed to have them in my life helping out. I know for me that I couldn't do this parenting thing alone either. I need help. I am a first time mother, and I am scared. Doing this without his father scares me even more. So I need and welcome the support.

It's so hard and I don't know how this is all going to work out. I do know that God most definitely has his hands in helping us raise our children and he has his hands in helping us too. We just have to trust and believe.. We got this girl!! 

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