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Not really sure if I'm posting in right place


Dave 1969

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As title says not really sure if this is right place

 

My wife has very recently lost her son in a car crash 

I need to explain a little more though . She has 3 children 1 girl and twin boys ( 1 of the twins died ) 

We got married 4 years ago her children as of now 26&24 . Her ex husband died 3 year's ago on her daughter birthday . Then my wife got very aggressive breast cancer which needed surgery chemotherapy and radiotherapy . Her children uncle died on boxing day 2015 ( my wife's exes brother). We battled through as a family  for the year fully expecting a better year this year . Her son died in a car crash at 1am on new year's day police knocked on door at 3am to tell us the bad news . I know it sounds like a movie but it's true

I really don't know where to start helping my wife and step children I feel useless , all I can do is be there for her the children and grandchildren . I hurt as well but can't fall to bits because they are looking at me for strength 

How do I help what do I say and what do I do 

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Dear Dave,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing your son. I'm so sorry. I know you love your wife and children very much. And are doing the best you can.  You have all been through so much loss and trauma. Its so hard to know what to say or do in times such as these. I would try to access any community resources through work, school or church. And seek out counselling and grief support groups. And continue to be present for your family and let them all know you are available to listen to them. There is a website called What's Your Grief, another poster said they found this site very helpful. Thinking of you and your family during this very difficult time.

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Oh Dave ~

i am so, so, sorry for your losses and all the things you shared & all that goes with them..

you are doing the best & the only thing you can now,,,

you are there,,as a strong presence & awailable if more is expected / needed ~

i have singular circumstances & my husband could relate to the losing of two of his step sons,,,

my husband has walked beside me,,,,thru the death of first my third born son from a motorcycle accident,,,then later my second 

born son to suicide..

my husband had worked hard to love me and stick by me thru the hell of child loss & back .

i care and as all others are,,, we are available,,,and a safe place to share ALL THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY,,,OF

GREIF ..

I ADMIRE THAT YOU HAD THE COURAGE TO REACH OUT HERE ON BEHALF  OF YOUR WIFE .

SHE AND YOU BOTH HAVE AND ARE GOING THRU SO MUCH.....

MAYBE ITSOO EARLY TO SHARE THIS,,,,,BUT ONE DAY DAVE,,,,,IF YOU DON't Di spare and give up...

there will come a time ,,,...........down this road      Where you and your wife,,,although a mother NEVER GETS OVER,,the loss of

a child,,, one dies find their way to liveing without their child and each person is unique in how they survive .

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So sorry for losses...

You and your wife can find the supportive group in your area: www.griefshare.org

 

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dave1969 wow what an incredible loving husband you are to search for support for your wife. She is lucky to have you. Im sorry for your loss we here have all experienced the trauma of that and have coped in different ways.One thing we have in common is to share our stories and what has helped us and offer a listening ear to other bereaved parents because we totally understand the devastation. Sometimes there is no need for words, just a long hug letting your love flow through to her body is all that is needed. As other members have suggested, using local resources to help is useful. i understand how you feel you need to be the strong one and you are taking on a very valuable role for your family bless you. Each age group and person involved will grieve differently, there is no one size fits all approach to grief. listening is the biggest skill, listening, hugging and watching body language cues as to how someone is feeling .Those emotions will change frequently over time. Not every one goes through the stages of grief which are denial ,anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, in the same way, some stages may get missed out or repeated, it is a journey.Your family are lucky to have you looking out for them, just don't forget yourself.

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Thanks rainie. It is nice to hear that my words were appreciated. I get so much healing from this forum and the wise words said by others, I just want to reach out and give back a little to other hurting parents. 

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Me Too Tommys mom ~

if I could not relate, understand, share my experiential knowledge of a moms worst nightmare come true,,,Rocky & Ronnies deaths would be for nothing if you know what I mean..

choosing to NOT be destroyed in my choosing anger & bitternes altho thoes are part of the process of working thru.    

To me,, anyone who had lost a child,,if they are still surviving ~~ that in itself is a feat.

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So true. We need to strive to get past the anger and bitterness and be able to celebrate our children's lives and acheivements and be able to enjoy the memories of them that we have. For the newer bereaved parents amongst us, take heart, you will get there too although it seems unlikely, but it takes a long time.Our precious children will always be in our hearts. Just because we choose living does not mean our boys and girls are left behind, they walk with us by our side forever. i am grateful that I have come out of the abyss into the light now. Bloody hell it took long enough!! Not stupid I know there are days and times that will try to crush my spirit but I hope to continue to be strong. I wish strength for all of you in facing the dark days, you are not alone.

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