Losing father to lung cancer

[RobertJ2017]

Sorry but I feel if I don't talk about this I am going to explode. This might not be well written and a little long  but here goes.

My name is Robert I am 36 and 4 years ago my father and I were talking over phone and something just wasn't right I can't explain it. It bothered me so much that I sold everything and packed me and my wife up and moved from Indiana back home to florida to help take care of him within 2 months of that conversation.

Fast forward 1 year he is living with me and my wife who is a cna we are  making sure he eats and has someone to help him if he needs anything. He starts not eating gets really bad sick and when we take him to the Dr he is diagnosed stage 4 lung cancer.

I decided to stay home to help take care of him make sure he gets to the drs appointments etc. One of the hardest scary and most fulfilling and probably the only good thing I have ever done in my life. And for the past 2 years we have been fighting this cancer it been so hard to see my father a vietnam vet strong healthy always doing things who raised me as a single father to go from that to not being able to move that well to being bed ridden among other things. To know that there is nothing I can do to help him it hurts to know the pain and things he is going through I wish I could take it away.

He was doing so good til 6 months ago he had imaging done and they found 3 spots on frontal lobe but treatable with radiation treatments so they scheduled 13 treatments in a row treated them they shrank but the problem is we live 50 miles away 100 mikes round trip and over 2 years my van started breaking one thing after another driver and pass tie rods,battery,radiator cracked, both front wheel bearings and finally the fuel pump all around the time of the 13 treatments. I managed to fix them all but we only made 6 appointments.

And before we could finish he had an episode that required a hospital visit his heart beat jumped to 188 and he was severe dehydrated and they refused to reschedule treatments til that all was dealt with.

Two months ago I get everything fixed and schedule follow up with Dr and shifting cable breaks night before appointment another missed date.

I was unable to get appointment for last 2 months due to Christmas new years drs being gone for holidays etc. For the last month he has not been eating that much he has dropped 40lbs not good.

And here we are today go to Dr and what do we get told " sorry nothing more we can do".

I feel so guilty and I feel like I failed him that I couldn't get him there I tried so hard so hard I worked on that van til after dark I had flashlight's being held so i could see fingers bleeding but it wasn't enough. He depended on me and now because of not being able to get the treatments there's nothing else to do.

But I am not really happy with the Dr appointment today he hasn't seen my father in 6 months and doesn't want to do imaging he just tapped his back listened to his chest with stethoscope and then said that he thinks the cancer has progressed to much and that he felt that he can't do anything more.

At the time I listened but now I feel like i want the imaging done to know just how much it progressed to see if it is really too late. Not because I want a miracle but so I don't think in back of my mind did the cancer really progress that bad I mean how can you really know without a MRI and ct I mean he asked my father what he wanted to do he told him he wanted to keep going he gave us 30mins to talk it over my father said keep going.

Dr comes back and we tell him he wants to continue fighting and he says no I mean why give him the choice and take it away like that. He said he has 2 months and to get hospice involved. I don't know how I'm going to get through next 2 months. 

Never really imagined my father being gone it scares the hell out of me I mean when I was in Indiana i knew he was back home a phone call away just hard to know he will be gone i don't know what to do after he's gone last four years I put my life on hold took care of him. Wow didn't know I had that much to say. Just started typing and it all just came out. I don't know what iam looking for here just needed to talk about it I try to talk to my wife but I'm not good at expressing myself verbally so i hold everything in. Taking care of dad haven't been able to really have friends so here I am.

Thanks for listening .....

 

 

 

[reader]

Dear Robert,

Sorry to hear about your father's health. You are loving and kind son to take care of your dad. Its an emotional rollercoaster trying to navigate the health care system. And the daily ups and downs of taking an elderly parent is a lot. There is so much to decide and its always hard to know if any of the decisions are the right ones. May I suggest this website that might be of assistance to you? Its called AgingCare.com. There is a message board for caregivers. And you can ask any question. There is so much good information there and good people to support you on this journey of caring for your father. Thank you for sharing your story with us.