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God, where the hell are you?


Meesh

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To you all and especially numb and lost

I joined this sight to try help me with my loss and try make some sense out of my loss, maybe its me or maybe its just a difference in culture, i dont know or maybe its just my loss and deep yearning of some comfort but i just dont understand all this talk about GOD, (i am british by the way), i sense that most on this sight are american, dont get me wrong its not that i dont believe in god, after what i, and all of us in fact have been through i'm not sure what i believe anymore. When me and my sister nursed my mum (a devout catholic by the way, a few hrs before her death, the priest was astounded that she managed to say all the words to the lords prayer fluently) at her home through stomach cancer 3 yr ago as difficult as that was i ended up having a sense of pride and thinking if i could get through this i could get through whatever life through my way, i was wrong because what i and all of us are going through is a different level of pain and that is taking nothing from the fact that i loved my mum and dad deeply but it is somewhat expected that your parents die but a spouse/husband/wife/true love is not expected and thats as it is, so i hope you all get through this most awful time and find some peace and happiness, and i respect that you all believe in god,i am not sure i do  but i do have some hope for the future but all i know is that all this talk about 'god' is not helping me at the moment and i just had to say it.

Numb and lost, once you get over this pain, assesss your life and think about a way forward, if you dont think you can make a go of it with your husband then be brave and end your marriage and focus on your kids and future because sweet lady life is too short to waste time on a marriage thats not working, its better to be on your own maybe but only when you feel strong enough.

Take care all of you but i dont think god is helping me x

 

 

 

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Meesh, There is no judgement here. It does not matter if you believe in God or not. What does matter, is that we are all experiencing a tragic loss of a loved one. Loss of a special person who meant the world to us and is no longer physically in our lives. If you do believe in God, it is only natural to feel that He is no longer on your side. It is natural to stumble and lose faith in God at this terrible time.  Why did God allow our loss to happen and our suffering. But for those who do believe in God, now is the time, more than ever, that they must keep the faith and trust in Him for He knows what He is doing.

I am constantly up and down with my own thoughts, feelings, and what should I believe in or not have any beliefs at all. Grieving, loving and missing that special person who is no longer in your life does this to you.

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Kmb

I know, i dont mean to offend anyones faith or beliefs, if it helps them get through then thats good for them but i feel myself getting more angry by the day, life is so rubbish when such a thing happens .

 

 

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Meesh, I understand completely. You are not alone in your feelings. I turned from God when I lost my mom in 2009, who was my best friend. I became so bitter. My husband kept telling me to have faith and that God still loved me but I did not want to hear it. But gradually, my faith began to come back. Then just two months ago, I lost my sweet husband, my rock, my life. Now I feel completely adrift. I am trying to make my way back to God. I now more than ever believe in eternity and the afterlife as I know that everything my husband was still exists somewhere. He could not just vanish. He was too alive, too good, he had too much love to just disappear. I know he still lives somehow. I just don't know how or where. So I am trying to find my way back. I want to live a good life for him. I want to be with him when it's my time. I just hope that's not too long. Much love to you. 

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I don't believe in the Christian God, but I have a lovely Christian friend who prays for me and sometimes with me. It's a comfort, I like it. Shortly after my Ken died, this friend assured me that God is my loving father. So I asked the God of my understanding if I can call him Father and lean on him for awhile. I think it's okay with him :) And maybe my friend's God and my God are one and the same, we just understand him differently. I've never been able to sign on with the "God's will" idea that some may espouse. I don't think people dying untimely deaths from cruel sicknesses like cancer has anything to do with God. Just my 2 cents :)

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Meesh and JC_TX----I don't feel any of us on here are offended by anything, the emotions, venting, beliefs or none. Nothing matters except that we are all grieving and so many emotions are at play. Anger and bitterness are among them many thoughts and feelings. I was angry for a short time after my husband passed. Anger at, or for what, I don't really know. My husband had medical conditions for which there was no cure and his body just wore out from dealing with it all for a long time. I was angry that he was gone.Angry that I was the one left behind to sort through my shattered existence, all alone. Here one minute and gone the next. How could that be? Why wasn't he allowed one more day? Why wasn't  he allowed to have that sudden *knowing* that his last day was going to be his last? We could have used that last day to talk, to hold each other and so he could tell me what to do without him, how to cope. Those thoughts are what made me angry. When someone has to go to prison for life, they are allowed to spend time with family before they go. Why doesn't leaving this life work that way also? Sometimes I feel that I am in a sort of prison, not being able to have visitation rights. Like you, JC_TX, I hope that I don't have to wait too long.

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I think it's only natural for us to question God during this time of immense pain. I too feel I'm drifting away from Him. I often ask where is God in all of this. Why does he call home all the really good ones? Shouldn't they stay here the longest to guide us along? I've been to church once since I lost my husband and I remember just sitting there and not feeling any sense of comfort and felt no connection to God. This was hard for me because I've always had such a strong faith and now it's no longer there. Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty because I am losing my faith but it is simply how I feel. I feel so lost and alone. I wish my baby would just come to me once to let me know he is alright and there looking down on me. I'm overflowing with my love for him and I don't know what to do with it. It's been three months and everyone seems to think I doing better but I'm really not. Yes I get up,go to work and perform other daily routines but I'm empty inside. I'm not crying as much as I used to and sometimes I feel guilty about that as well. I don't want my baby to think that I'm no longer grieving for him because i am, I'm just not crying everywhere all the time but I do miss him so. I love you baby. 

In spite of it all I still continue to pray. I pray that we all get through this somehow. 

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Meesh,

This is very much a time of questioning and anger!  I have had more time than the rest of you to process my grief but even all these years later, I'm still on my grief journey...I expect I always will be although it hasn't stayed the same, it's changed and evolved throughout it.

This is not a place for only those who believe or reach out to God, this is for anyone and everyone mourning their loss.  Personally, I think God is big enough to take our questioning and our fists pounding!  He doesn't hate us for it, but to my way of looking at it, He's there to help us through it if we want Him to.

How we go about this grief journey is a choosing only we can make.

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Nads, that's a beautiful post - sad, and beautiful.

I truly believe your darling is there and loves you as much as he ever did, even if you can't perceive that just now.

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I have been dealing with so much besides my grief. I'm now trying to do my job and also manage my husband's business. I feel so overwhelmed because both are so demanding. My husband had many ongoing projects which have contractual obligations which must be met or there will be financial penalties. I also feel a sense of obligation to his employees who have always been loyal. I want to at least finish what he started. He was so proud of his accomplishments and I was so very proud of him. I just don't want to let him down so I'm going to try my best to do this for him. It is what he would want me to do. My days are so long now and I'm exhausted by the time I get home so I just fall asleep. Being so occupied has been helping me as I haven't had a break down for some time. It didn't last though as tonight I was checking emails when I saw one from our favorite hotel offering us a Valentines deal. I instantly began crying incessantly. Just seeing that brought back so many memories especially the one where he proposed on Valentine's Day. I miss him so much. Tonight I feel like I just want to scream. I want to tell him how much I love him and that I will love him forever. 

May God continue to give me strength. May he give all of us here the strength and wisdom we need to endure. 

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Nads

Having all those responsibilites cant be easy on top of your grief but it seems your doing things in memory of your husband, i'm trying to get through my life now by thinking what he would want me to do, how he would want me to be, where to go etc, because we all knew our loves so well i think all of us on this site would know what they would want us to do in our situations, i suppose they're guiding us along our proccess and thats giving me comfort, i can feel him around me, guiding me just like he did before. 

This morning ive woke up with swollen eyes i could not stop crying last nite the grief was overwhelming and like you nads i just wanted to scream i was so full of anger and despair, i had been ok in the day i had cleaned all my house just to occupy my time and when i sat down it just all came flooding out of me, life has been so horrible to us all and i suppose wknds are going to be the worst and weve just got to learn to live with that and keep on this monster of a roller coaster journey.

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Meesh..you are so right. Weekends are the worst. More so Sundays. That was our day to just be together whether it was making lunch together or just snuggling together watching movies. Now I'm just so sad on Sundays. I try to make myself lunch just to keep busy but the entire process depresses me and I don't even eat any of it. Life really has been a bitch to all of us here. I still try to be grateful for whatever I am and have in life but sometimes I think what's the point of it all. I feel like I just function on automatic doing what I have to do. There is no joy in anything. My cousin recently had her baby. I was happy for her but it was bittersweet as he wasn't here to know and share in it. Every time I overcome some sort of obstacle in what I'm dealing with, I'm sad because he is not here. You said it right...it is a monster of a roller coaster journey and I can't seem to get off even though I try so very hard. 

Stay strong and let's make it through this Sunday. We'll deal with tomorrow as it comes. 

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Nads, I feel for you today. I know how Sundays are. It was the day for my husband and I also. I just want to be where he is and it's not possible. It is a long distance separation that just plain sucks big time.

You have a lot on your plate with your responsibilities. I can imagine how it all hits you at the end of the day. I have to finish closing out my husband's business with the taxes, etc. There are some forms I have to get out by the end of this month and I have been procrastinating. I'm going to tackle it today but it will be hard and bittersweet. Normally, I would have had most of it done already. This time a year ago, I wouldn't have fathomed where I am at now, alone, dealing with so much.

Hang in there Nads.

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Jeff In Denver

Meesh, if there is a god, he/she sure plays favorites.  Look at all the bad people who live a long time.  And then good people are cut down in the prime of their lives, leaving us to deal with the devastation.  My religious friends disagree with me, but I don't see how a caring being could do things like that, or just let them happen.

When I was losing the love of my life to breast cancer, she used to ask what she did to deserve that.  She felt that she had brought it on herself.  The answer, of course, is that she didn't deserve it.   She was a really, really good person.

And although I deserve pain for doing some bad things in our relationship early on, I don't deserve this.  Her friends, mother, etc., certainly don't deserve this.  Her mother in Peru lost her husband 6 years ago, and then 2 sisters and her daughter last year.  I can't imagine.

I am an agnostic, but I asked a priest why this happened to my girlfriend.  He said that God doesn't meddle.  I then said that she had people coming to the house and praying for her every day, begging for her to be healed.   What then?  He didn't know.

If there is a God, I don't think he or she cares about our suffering, and just lets thing happen at random.

 

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Jeff

I am so sorry for your loss life as been so cruel to us all, the love of my life died from falling down our steps at home, he broke his neck and got a fatal brain injury, not a broken arm or leg how cruel was that,  everytime i think of him falling it makes me want to throw up and scream, i av to live in this house seeing what happened every day but at the same time i get comfort from being ere and having his things around me so for now im gonna stay, and try live my life like us all a day at a time.

I am sad for you and your wife cancer is such a cruel disease it must have been a terrible odeal for you to go through, i lost my mum to stomach cancer 2yr ago and its awful seeing someone you love suffer in that way. I wish i could believe in god because i think a faith can help people but i'm same as you i see horrible people walking around and i just dont get it how that can be and our lovely people had to go.

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Jeff In Denver

Meesh,  I am  very sorry to hear about your loss.  Honestly, I can't imagine what you're dealing with.  I know what you mean about getting comfort from being in the house. I am the same way.  I'm sorry, too, about your mother.  You know what the whole cancer thing is like, also.  Life can be so much harder than we ever thought possible.

Right now I just feel numb.  I wish I could say something that would help.   

 

 

 

 

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Jeff, thankyou for the kind words it helps been on this sight knowing that we're all going through the same loss, the 1 person i wanted most after my loss was my dear mum, she always made things feel better for me and i avnt even got that no more, my mum truly believed in god, i wish i had her faith and its made me question was i as good to her after my dad died 10yr before she did, i probably didnt give her as much of my time that i should have, you know busy lives and all that because as much as we love our kids sometimes lifes all about them and we know that about them but we love them all the same.

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The concept of God is hard.  I am religious, but the people who have helped me the most on my journey of grief, especially at the beginning are atheist/agnostic.  They understood that I didn't want to hear so much about how my husband was in a better place or free from pain or that God had another plan for him.  

I suppose I am more along the lines of the priesthood. I think God is there, but I think He allows much in the world because He doesn't micromanage.  He allows suffering because most of it is man made and He doesn't take away the right to choose ---which freaking sucks sometimes because another persons choice can affect humanity for years and years to come in awful ways.  

I also don't ask the question why.  I don't ask, because I don't want to know the answer as no matter what the "why" is, it won't be good enough for me to be ok with my husband dying.  For my daughter to grow up without a dad.  

So instead I just assume God allowed my husband's death and I leave it alone.  Not because I have such great faith, but because I don't want to be anymore angry and bitter than I already am.

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Emeliza,

I can relate to your thinking perhaps more than the others, we all have to come to our own sense of thinking and most of it won't happen today.  It's a thinking that evolves.  My theology has taken my lifetime to come to understand and it has helped me the more I knew, but there's no way I could give a brief summation in a way others could understand and accept.  Right now people aren't in an understanding and accepting mode, and I get that.  We all develop our own thinking in our own time and way and I respect that process and individualization.

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On 1/20/2017 at 8:15 PM, Mrs. Plummer said:

I don't believe in the Christian God, but I have a lovely Christian friend who prays for me and sometimes with me. It's a comfort, I like it. Shortly after my Ken died, this friend assured me that God is my loving father. So I asked the God of my understanding if I can call him Father and lean on him for awhile. I think it's okay with him :) And maybe my friend's God and my God are one and the same, we just understand him differently. I've never been able to sign on with the "God's will" idea that some may espouse. I don't think people dying untimely deaths from cruel sicknesses like cancer has anything to do with God. Just my 2 cents :)

My Rabbi told me once that she believes there is one God with many paths to him (all the many sorts of religions).  I tend to think she is right.

During this ordeal I have questioned my faith bigtime.  Why on earth would it be okay to take away my husband when I have already lost SO many in my family to cancer (mom, dad, grandma, grandfather...).  What god would do this.  Then I thought about what I was praying for...every single day I asked him to please not allow Kevin to suffer at all, not to have pain, but also to survive.

I only got half of what I prayed for - he had a massive stroke during surgery for a major brain bleed.  I don't think he even knew what happened beyond me calling 911.  So I'm pretty sure there was very little pain.

I miss my husband so much it hurts.

I think questioning if there even is a god is totally normal.  So is anger at him.  At least I hope so since I've gone through it with each death.  And losing my husband had been worse than any other one.

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4 hours ago, Stonesie said:

My Rabbi told me once that she believes there is one God with many paths to him (all the many sorts of religions).  I tend to think she is right.

I think questioning if there even is a god is totally normal.  So is anger at him.  At least I hope so since I've gone through it with each death.  And losing my husband had been worse than any other one.

I think the rabbi is correct as well. I think it will all get sorted out later, but the correct path is the path that gets you closer to God and helps you become a better, kinder person, be it a form of Christianity, Judism, Islam, Hindu, or something else. 

And I also agree it seems pretty normal to not only question your belief in God, but also have anger. I also have been back in forth wondering if I was being punished for something, for being more stagnant in my faith, for not always putting God first.  It just adds to my guilt and I hope I can move past it eventually.

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I agree with what you all have shared.  I don't think God decided to take them or it was His "will" they die, it's not fitting with the God I know or my theology, but I think bad things happen, in fact there used to be a book out called "When bad things happen to good people" written by a rabbi.  Anyway, I try not to ascribe too much meaning to something that seems pretty senseless to me.  I do think we can learn and grow from pretty much anything we go through in life and this is no different but it doesn't happen overnight.  I don't think things happen SO we can grow, but rather we can choose to grow through any and all of our experiences, I guess it's all in how you look at it.

When something is as life devastating as this, it causes us to examine everything and question everything, we're trying to make some sense out of something nonsensical it seems.  That's totally normal.

And who wouldn't feel angry?  There is no such thing as fairness, I guess that's true of everything in life.  I don't get bitter about it, that would not aid me well, it just is what it is, I guess that's how I look at things.

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I question everything these days. Some of the answers can be found deep inside ourselves, answers we may not like, but have to accept. I feel we are here to experience life, good and bad. We are here to learn lessons from whatever life gives us or takes away. It is our reactions, how we respond and act that determines our survival. I hate that I am here without my husband. He was given to me to love and care for, to build a life with. Then life took him away. My identity was as his wife, his life partner. That identity gave my existence meaning and purpose. But through my pain, I've come to realize that we are also individuals, each placed here for a separate purpose other than being part of a couple. I hate that concept. If there is a better one, I pray someone lets me know. I struggle through my days on autopilot. Not caring but just doing. What mattered most to me is gone and cannot be replaced or topped by anything else. I just want to be with my husband.

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10 hours ago, KMB said:

I question everything these days. Some of the answers can be found deep inside ourselves, answers we may not like, but have to accept. I feel we are here to experience life, good and bad. We are here to learn lessons from whatever life gives us or takes away. It is our reactions, how we respond and act that determines our survival. I hate that I am here without my husband. He was given to me to love and care for, to build a life with. Then life took him away. My identity was as his wife, his life partner. That identity gave my existence meaning and purpose. But through my pain, I've come to realize that we are also individuals, each placed here for a separate purpose other than being part of a couple. I hate that concept. If there is a better one, I pray someone lets me know. I struggle through my days on autopilot. Not caring but just doing. What mattered most to me is gone and cannot be replaced or topped by anything else. I just want to be with my husband.

I knew it before Kevin died , but it has become painfully clear how MUCH he was my purpose here.  I was a high school band director for 15 years also (but Kevin was heavily involved with me in that), but now I am on disability and my life seriously did revolve around him entirely.  And I loved that.  What you wrote here KMB really resonated with me.  I am also on autopilot.  Don't care much about anything, just doing things that need doing just because.  

I'm pretty miserable.

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Hang in there, you guys.  It takes longer than I care to say to adjust.  I am not on autopilot any more.  My life is of my creation.  I don't like it as well as I did my life with George, not even a distant comparison, but it has its moments.  I have a grandson about to be born in 1 1/2 months...there's moments to look forward to.  Today I get to go to the senior site and I love that.  You will find something you enjoy...not like being with your husband, but hey, I take any good moment for what it's worth!

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Thank you, KayC, It has been really helpful to have you here since you are further along this journey. You've been uplifting and encouraging, I admire that.

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So many thoughts on God here, and all of them with understandable questions and deep reasoning.  It is so difficult to relate to another persons relationship with the divine, because every persons relationship with a higher power is so unique.  That is one of the biggest issues I have with organized religion.  How can another person tell me about my relationship with God?

In some cases religion provides a sense of structure.  A road map to lead people through the chaos and confusion of loss we all feel.  These are the moments at which it is a wonderous thing.  It helped my mother in law through this terrible time.

My grief is deep, but the pain of losing a child, a being you created, nurtured, and cared for must be unbearable.  One who you saw as your future, an extension of your life, in a way the living embodiment of an afterlife.  If there is any person on this world that knew Christine better than I did, it was her mother, and her grief must be insurmountable.

And through this terrible tragedy, I have seen how her faith has sustained her.  Seen friends from her church offering heartfelt condolences and support.  Seen her, grief stricken and in complete shock, know precisely what she was supposed to do, because that is how it is handle within the bounds of her belief.  While I don't personally believe the same thing, the fact that it gave her comfort is a thing of beauty and I am beyond grateful she had and has that to help her in such troubled times.

My relationship with my God isn't as structured.  It is however very simple.  If God took her from me, he also gave her to me for a time, for which I would be very grateful. I don't think he works that way though.  I think he gave me the possibility of being with her, and also the possibility of losing her.  While losing her feels horrible, and wholly unfair, the true injustice would be if I never had the opportunity.

I understand anger with God, and I understand not having faith.  I hope that we all come to terms with our own thoughts on the matter in the most healing and comforting way possible.  Wishing peace and love to you all,

Herc

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38 minutes ago, Herc said:

  If God took her from me, he also gave her to me for a time, for which I would be very grateful. 

Herc, i like the idea of that quote, we should all be so truly grateful that we gave true love and recieved true love even though it was not long enough for us all at least we had it, some people live their whole lives not having what we all had and we're all living proof how much we loved and that is why we"re in so much pain because of our loss, your right about your mother in laws pain, it must be unbearable to lose a child, i'm not sure i could survive that and if faith in god helps her then that can only be a good thing, much comfort and love to you and christines mum, she will be looking down on you both with love and pride .

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Everyone, 

Through this time since my wife passed away, my belief in, or my rudimentary understanding of, God became something of a journey. My personal beliefs, rooted in the Christian faith, have "evolved" (ironic wording, yes?) to except that it is us, well, I, who has put limits or guidelines on God. I never wavered on my belief, but I started jettisoning some of my ideas. Two or three years before my wife passed, I had began this personal transformation in my understanding of God and what "God" means. These ideas became more solidified after she had "died". Without getting too personal or too far out of left field, I believe that God is so much more complex than I can begin to grasp, that I decide to STOP looking for "why". I've stated before, that in my simplistic way of sorting things out, is that this "reality", this universe and everything in it, is just one of many "possibilities". For me to accept the premise of God (I do), and I accept that the prosaic and awe inspiring knowledge of our universe is as described (I do), then God HAS to be far more complex than what is generally thought of as "God". Within that framework of my beliefs, I don't think this one little planet, in a galaxy of roughly 200-400 billion stars and at least 100 billion planets, is ALL God is concerned with. I trust that all is in order.

My wife suffered her entire life from one issue to the next, physical, emotional, psychological and environmental, it never stopped. Sure, we had great stretches of time where things were beyond fantastic, but to just then pass away, suddenly, without warning? To go through so much tribulation in 42 years to just "die"? For what possible reason? She fought courageously everyday of her life, then it's taken from her. An infant, born in 1889 Austria, dies immediately after being born, or maybe at age 10, and that would be tragic. People, rightfully so, perhaps his parents, would yell at God, question God, and all would grieve this innocent child. However, he didn't die. He grew up to become the infamous Adolf Hitler. How many questioned Gods existence then, how could such a man be allowed to live? This just illustrates how MY thinking works, why I stopped trying to figure out why, rhyme or reason. This pattern, or "tapestry" we exist in does mean something, but we can't see it because we're in it, we ARE it. My wife, as hard as her life was, lived. She lived, loved, bore me a child, gave her love to me, made a difference in the lives she touched. Do I like this "plan"? NO! I absolutely hate it, I want my Tracie back, she was MY pattern. But, she isn't coming back. 

I'm guilty of neglecting to thank God when something good happens, but I can be quick to question or be angry at Him when things go wrong. I had come to think of myself being "placed" to care for wife during her lifetime. I accepted that this was how things were going to be, and not a little pride slipped in at the thought that I, Mr nobody, was entrusted with her care. I truly am grateful for the life we had, the daughter she gave us, and the lessons she taught me through her daily victories. 

I don't go for the "God needed" her, "God needs another rose", "God needed another angel". I just don't think it works that way. We, as humans, have choice, limited as that may be. Choose to believe, don't believe, eat junk food, drive to fast, rob a bank, or work at soup kitchen, do volunteer work or be a great husband. And I think every choice or decision creates another possibility. 

Anyway, sorry, that was a bit of a ramble. Please accept my apologies if I offended anyone or said something unintentionally hurtful. This is how I kind of see things. It does bring me comfort, it does allow me to better process my grief. And that's all any of us are trying to do, process our grief. 

Meesh, I'm so sorry for the agony I know you're in. Same goes for all of "us", I hope everyone finds that path that'll bring them closer to peace and maybe some happiness. 

Love and lots of it for all of my fellow travelers, may you find peace and comfort,

Andy

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I've written about my beliefs before, but Andy, you touched on one of the key points of my beliefs in God. I don't believe that God has ultimate control. I don't believe God makes decisions that impact every single outcome on Earth. This also means that I don't think God "takes people" or that someone dies because they're "needed in heaven". In either case, God did not give my girlfriend a hemorrhage. God did not cause Andy's, or KMB's, or KayC's, or Herc's, or anyone else's partner to die on purpose. However, the world is not perfect and God cannot make it perfect. God feels grief just like we do when people die, and if there is an afterlife (I seriously hope there is), God receives all of those we lost and helps guide them into the next world.

To me believing God has ultimate control over everything just feeds the anger. It means we blame God because God must have made a conscious choice to take our loved ones. Anger might be necessary but it's more soothing to believe God didn't cause any of this on purpose. 

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Herc,

Your post is beautiful.  I agree with all of you, it is the same conclusions I've come to through my own experience.  I don't believe God does everything to us, I believe we have choices, and I also think some things randomly happen, I don't see reason in everything.  I don't go for the cliches.  When others go through this experience they'll probably lose their cliches.  Just saying.

I belong to a church...I don't think I look for structure in it so much as it's an extended family.  We all look out for and care for each other as we're learning on this path together.

 

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