He's ready

[B7176]

My boyfriend's body is ready for viewing. The funeral is tomorrow. I have made the decision to not view the body or go to the funeral. I am already suffering from nightmares. I just want to remember him alive. JESUS!!! I feel like I'm suffocating. Why is this happening?!

[KMB]

B7176----I hear you with what you are feeling. The pain is so unbearable you feel like you want to crawl out of your skin, shred yourself to pieces, to find relief.

I did not go to see my husband either and I don't regret it. I'd rather remember him smiling and laughing. My husband did not want a service either and I honored his wishes. Cremation, and I have his ashes here. At some point down the road, I'll spread his ashes where he wanted when I feel it's time.

Your grieving is deep, intense, which is why you are feeling like you are suffocating. I felt that way also for a long time, still do on and off since it has only been a little over 5 months. Time, and trying to focus on other matters does seem to help. Just concentrating on breathing and getting through another day. I had nightmares also. Three different scenarios in which I was looking for and trying to catch up to my husband. I would see him and try to get to him only to lose sight of him. Agonizing helplessness with crying spells afterwards.

I wish there was something I could say to help you, but I am just as bad off as you. I am not suicidal, but the desire, the yearning to be with my husband can be all consuming. I wish that God would tell me what I need to do here yet so I can get it done and go to Heaven and be with my husband. I feel like my  life now is just a waiting game.

Prayers of peace to you, to all of us.

[KayC]

The funeral is for the living, not the dead.  I viewed my husband's body and it was clear he was not there.  I think it helped me to see that.  It's a personal choice though, and only you can decide for yourself what is best for you.  

We had a service and the place was packed.  It made me feel good to know he was loved by so many.  We had an open mic session and I loved hearing the things people said about him.  Especially my son.  My son is not an "get up in front of people" person.  He hates that.  Yet he's been called on to do it when he was Valedictorian or Commencement speaker, but still I was surprised when he voluntarily got up and said some things about his stepdad.  That meant the world to me and I'll always treasure that.

I held onto George's ashes for two years, wondering what to do with them, when it came to me...he always loved where we live, he called it his "home in the mountains" and it was clearly the place he felt most comfortable in the world.  So that's where I spread his ashes, in the back yard where deer come to feed and hummingbirds visit, where we used to look out upon and got much enjoyment viewing.  And I knew that is the place he'd want laid to rest.  I know it's figurative, they are not there.  But those ashes are all that is left of the body I'd come to love, the body that housed him, the body that finally gave out and failed to serve him anymore.  But I pay honor to it because it was his.  I have a memorial stone there now.

I hope it comes to you what is the best thing for each of you, you will know if you listen to that voice inside of you.  Some of us got a chance to talk about "what if that day comes" and some of us it came so soon we hadn't gotten to it yet...but I think if we listen to that still voice inside of us, we'll know.

[Mrs. Plummer]

B7, please let us know how you go with the viewing - if you decide to attend it at all.

Like Kay, I did go to Ken's viewing, but his mouth was all wrong - it didn't really look like him - I wanted though to seize the opportunity to see his body one last time. It certainly does differ from person to person. I like hearing about other people's ways of memorialising.

I have kept Ken's ashes at home too - Kay, we have twin minds about that - it may not be "Ken" but it is what's left of the man who loved me for 30 years and fathered my children - those bone-fragments held that man up. Ken had initially wanted to be scattered over the sea, but when I suggested that he come home with me, he liked that better. I have a beautiful urn, and while it may not always be on display, I think I'll always want to have it somewhere in the house. I placed a small amount of his ashes under a memorial tree in a beautiful gardens setting so that family has a permanent monument to visit. It's also nice for me to get away from the house sometimes, and I have the best of both worlds - an internal and external memorial site. and my daughters and I have pendants and my sons rings containing a ashes. I'm glad I have them at home with me, and when I go, my ashes can be mixed with Ken's and we'll both lie under that tree together. Here's his urn (my lovely son had the hearts engraved with Ken's name and mine), the memorial space in my house, his memorial tree about 5 minutes from where I live, and my little football urn pendant (I was never interested in football, but my darling was passionate about it).

[KMB]

The way you have memorialised Ken is very beautiful. He must be filled with pride and love, smiling down on you from Heaven.

[B7176]

Thank you all for the kind words and the encouragement. Mrs Plummer, the memorial for your husband is beautiful. Yesterday was the funeral for my boyfriend. I made the choice to attend the funeral but I didn't have the courage to go in. I sat outside with our son and listened to the service. I purchased his flowers and the clothes he had on. I really wanted to see how nice he looked but I just couldn't bare anymore hurtful images of him. I was scared.  Everyone complimented on how nice and peaceful he looked. I found a little comfort in that. The place was packed but all I felt was anger. There I was the "mother of his child." It was much deeper than that. It just felt so unfair.  All those people were able to go home to their love ones while I was left feeling empty and like I didn't have a home. I hate everything about this. He was only 25. I pray that God shows me something soon. My faith is becoming questionable. God Bless!

[KayC]

B7176,

The funeral is very hard to get through.  Your feelings are all so very valid and true.  You are the most important person in his life, you and his child and whether or not anyone else recognizes it or not, HE does.  Yes, I say "does" not "did" because that doesn't end with their physical body giving out.  Their heart, their soul, their spirit continues and so does your love.  I know it feels so very unfair that we can't hold them and talk with them...because it IS unfair!

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

I have a beautiful urn, and while it may not always be on display, I think I'll always want to have it somewhere in the house. I placed a small amount of his ashes under a memorial tree in a beautiful gardens setting so that family has a permanent monument to visit.

Thank you for sharing what you have done, it is beautiful.  What a great idea!  My kids are the only ones besides myself that would be interested in visiting George's ashes, and they can always come here any time.

[KMB]

I haven't been able to do anything about memorialising my husband. I have his ashes, but it is winter here and no access to where he wanted them. I've had ideas about memorial stones, etc., but just have not gotten to the place yet where I can do anything. I will eventually, but it will be on my own time table. Right now I am still dealing with closing out my husband's business and other challenges that keep popping up. I feel overwhelmed because I have to deal with everything alone. Wish I could at least hear my husband's voice telling me how to go about things and it will all be ok, that he is here for me.

[Francine]

B7176

On 1/21/2017 at 4:24 PM, KayC said:

The funeral is for the living, not the dead.

The above statement is so true.   I was there for my husband funeral, and like KayC, I felt in my spirit that he was not there; oh yeah, his body was, but the essence of who he was (his spirit) was not. I greeted all the guest (as what is expected of a grieving wife) telling them how I (as well as my husband) appreciated them taking time out of their busy schedules to come and pay their respect.  Some told me stories of my husband (as if I really wanted to hear them at that particular time); some cried; some just held me close (in some cases, I could  hardly breath); all said how wonderful he was (as if I didn't already know) and that they would be checking up on me.  Well, as of today, I haven't heard from any  of them - not that I'm angry, a bit disappointed (especially my close friends).   Generally speaking, people mean well, but sooner or later they go back to their lives and you go back to your life without the love of your life.  Man that's a crushing feeling.

Funerals can be a b_t_h and are very difficult for a lot of people - I understandable why some people want to remember their loved one when they were alive.    I attended a grief counseling session yesterday and it was totally great.  The facilitator spoke after the "newbees" shared their stories.  She was so inspirational in her message - it left me uplifted.  She indicated that there was no death, there was no end, there was only transformation.  She indicated  that our loved ones now exist in a new time,  a new place, a new reality.  The realization as we knew it has been transformed from the physical to the spiritual; from loveship to friendship; it did not end - it merely changed.  

7 hours ago, B7176 said:

I pray that God shows me something soon. My faith is becoming questionable. God Bless!

Your question mirrored my own when my husband passed.  I spoke with my priest and gave me this analogy -  "He asked me if I ever worried if there was enough air for me to breath; or if I ever pondered what I'd do if the laws of gravity ceased to exist.  He said he would bet that I never worried about the elements I needed to stay alive.  He told me that I trusted that every organ within my body would do exactly as it should - that my body would support me. - that  I trusted that my heart would beat; my lungs will expand and that my blood would flow.  He then asked why wouldn't I extend that trust to God - trust that the Creator of this entire universe would provide everything I need.  All I need do is ask and trust.

Know that everything we experience, everything we think and everything we fill are in divine order.   I pray you have enough faith to keep you going when there seems no way to go on.  I pray that God will see you through your pain.  Surrender to God's presence accepting that with HIM, nothing is impossible . God Bless

[Sadaf Nazim]

B7176

I am  so sorry you had to go through this. I can feel your pain. Losing someone so young is unimaginable. My sweetheart was 24. He would turn 25 this August. He was the most adventurous and healthy person I have met. He never fell sick all his life. And now suddenly he just went away. 

And here I am, still breathing, still alive. I thought I could never live even for a second after being separated from him. 

[KayC]

Francine,

I like what your priest shared with you.  I like what your grief administrator shared too.

I'm sorry your experience is like mine, that your friends haven't been there for you, that they've left you alone to hear the echoing silence.

I'm starting a grief support group...it's evolving to that for grievers, not just widows, because there are men as well as women going through this, and children as well as spouses...this is for anyone facing loss, anyone who wants to be there.  I've been trying to think where to start, and your post has given me some good ideas.  I'm thinking of doing a weekly one for two months and then break and start another one later.  I don't want to leave it open ended because a lot of people feel "two months, I can do that".  If they want to come to a later one too, they can.  Anyway, I was approached to do this just a little over a week ago so it's been hard to get my thoughts together this quickly, we do have a pressing need for it as there's never been one in this town, but I want to do it meaningfully and purposely too.

[KMB]

Francine, I appreciate the words you shared from the grief session and your priest. Very profound and truth telling. Trust and faith are the key words in helping us along this path.

[Francine]

KayC

Good luck on the grief support group.  My support group meets the 3rd Saturday of each month  for about 3 1/2 hours - the next one is scheduled for mid-February.   The group (mostly women) had a good number of participants with 3-5 men in attendance so I'm glad you are extending your group to men as well as children.   All participated in the sessions and it was so heart-felt to hear some of the stories that was shared.   The session, held at a neighborhood church, was started with and ended with prayer.  The majority of the participants were Christians, but the sessions are opened to all whose lost a loved one.  Light refreshments were served and a package of material was given to each new participant.  

At the end of the sessions some of the seasoned members shared their contact information with the "newbies" to call if we felt the need to. It was so uplifting and encouraging.   The facilitator acknowledged that throughout our lifetime we will experience the lost of loved ones and friends. Every loss will brings pain and disruption to our life.  Death is no stranger to any of us, the closer the loved one is to us, the greater the impact and that the  common thread linking us together (no matter who we were) was  - Grief.

I'm indebted to those strangers I sat with at the group session - their journeys, their insights and wisdom that have taught me more about grief than my own experience. For me, this group session was amazing - just what I needed.  

I wish you the best with your group - I know people will definitely benefit from it.   God bless you for all your efforts.

 

[KayC]

Well the ladies overwhelmingly want a group that is just for them, they said they don't feel they'd be able to express themselves around men, so against my personal wishes we are going to start with all women, but be open to different kinds of grief, although it's mostly widows.  I personally like the dimension that men add and I think the women might be surprised if they included them, but we'll start with this. I'ts going to be every other Wednesday at noon.  Grief support groups are as different as the people attending them, there really is no one size fits all, so if one doesn't seem right I can only say, try another.  It's not for everyone and it doesn't take the place of a professional grief counselor.  In a way, what we are all doing here is a grief support group, just by a different mode than face to face.  I feel close to the ones here, we get to know each other more intimately than we would if we sat behind each other in church once a week.  Here we bare our souls, our innermost thoughts and feelings, we give group hugs, we care about each other and we learn from each other.  We're on our journeys as individuals but we are also going through it together.

[KMB]

So right you are KayC. I wish you the best with getting your own group going. I personally also like the mix of women and men. I feel that the grief experienced by men would be beneficial to the women. Give them a different perspective that gender does not discriminate with grieving. We have all heard the cliches that men are raised not to cry and to always be strong no matter the situation. That is so not true. I have witnessed men's tears in my life, including my own husband's. We are all human and we all grieve with loss.

[KayC]

I agree.  I've been on my other forum for 11 1/2 years and I personally feel the men really add to it, I like having the mix.  I think it'll be their loss.

Starting up next week.  Had an introductory meeting already but only one person showed up because the pastor's wife pushed for it on MLK day and people already had plans,not enough notice.  I'm planning this without her from now on (she hasn't lost someone) and going with my gut feelings plus input from others.