Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Dating a man who's grieving


LEB80

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I'm really hoping for some advice. I've been dating a man who lost his girlfriend suddenly 8 most ago. I wasnt aware of her death initially, but dont regret the time we've spent together the last 3 months as I've really come to care about him.  He's told me I've been a huge help to his heart and how much he cares about me. But i know hes still very much grieving. (Photos, social media, clothes in the closet etc) And I'm falling... and scared he's going to suddenly tell me this is too much too soon. I haven't experienced this type of loss and am hoping for just some advice. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

LEB80, I have not been in your shoes so there is no experience for me to draw on for you. Do you know the history of this man's relationship with his prior girlfriend? How serious were they? Living together? How long were they together? Your guy is obviously grieving which takes time and hard work on his own behalf to process through. People do process grief in their own way and maybe he is ready to move into another relationship. For myself, I would really question if he is dating out of loneliness. If I were you, I would sit down with him and have an honest conversation about where his mind and heart is. If he feels truly ready to give all of himself to you 100%.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

This isn't something we can necessarily answer.  I have known people to be married within 6 months or less of their spouse of decades dying and others who never remarry.  Neither is wrong.  

Your boyfriend dating again after his girlfriend died might be "too soon" for him or it might be just fine.  It does not change how he felt about her though.  It might be a testimite of how much he loved her and being in a relationship that he has found it with you as well.

I think you just need to communicate openly with him.  And just because he loved her doesn't mean you are a "replacement".  It means he likes to love.  He has a big heart.  Just as having more than one child does not diminish the love for the first child, a new love does not replace the one you lost or vice versa.

Sorry, rambling a bit here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

LEB80

Be careful and tread lightly.  He needs to mourn.  Mourning is the open expression of his thoughts and feelings and an essential part of his healing.  Give him that time, be gentle and patient - you'll be glad you did.   God has put you in his life for comfort; let him know you are genuinely concerned about his well being and will always be there whenever he needs you.  Take it one day at a time; If the two of you are meant to be, it will happen.  If things don't work out like you want, know that you were there for a friend in need. God Bless!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you all for your input. I do encourage him to talk about her, his feeling etc all the time. I've just been quiet about my own in my efforts to be supportive. 

KMB - they were together for 3 years living together for less than a year (he's still in "their place"), had talked about starting a family. As much as I know I should have that conversation, I'm scared. 

Emiliza- he has the most amazing heart. And I love the analogy of 2 children, he has 2 grown daughters 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You are doing well with this situation. He needs time for the grieving. Be patient and supportive. If a long term relationship is meant to happen, it will.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
16 hours ago, LEB80 said:

I haven't experienced this type of loss and am hoping for just some advice. 

Keep in mind that when you lose someone to death it's not like losing them to breakup or divorce.  He didn't choose to be parted from her and his love for her will always be there.  Try to accept that love and realize it isn't anything to compete with or resent, if anything it enriches him.

There is always risk with loving someone.  He is vulnerable right now so you want to take care to protect him from moving too fast with you, the important thing is he doesn't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons, that is afraid of being alone or wanting to escape grieving.  He needs to grieve.  He needs to feel the pain and allow himself to experience it and cry.  He needs to feel the loss and not just replace it with something else, because, trust me, grief has a way of rearing it's ugly head even years down the line if it has not been dealt with.  It takes much time to process grief.  What I had about three years out was what I seemed to be left with, in other words, it took me that three years to process my grief, but it's different for everyone.  But grief has no end, you go on missing that person the rest of your life.  Still, grief is not something to fear, I've learned it does not stay the same, it evolves throughout our journey, and the intensity in the beginning lessens its grip eventually.

It's good to encourage him to talk about her, to let him tell you about her.  It will comfort him to have a place where he can talk about her and feel accepted doing so.  So many in our society are so uncomfortable with grief, they want to shut it down, they tell the person to move on, they look incredulous that the person is "still grieving" as if there is a point when they're over it!  Not so!  

He will need to find his own way.  Decisions about clothes, whether to stay in the same house, etc. are all decisions only he can make and that only when he is ready.  It can take years. 

I rather imagine you didn't know what you were getting into when you started falling for him, but it can be a long haul.  It'd be good to keep this at friendship level for quite some time to keep either of you from further hurt.  If you can't do that, then at least take it slow...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KayC, Thank you for posting that link. I liked the last paragraph---grieving is courageous. Grieving is a pilgrimage of tremendous love.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of her sudden death.  We are still together. Until today, I've never felt like i was in a relationship with a 3rd person. I've anxiously nodded in agreement when he's talked about our future. He said "I love you" first.  Because of social media, today is the first time I haven't felt part of his present and future. Im scared and sad and lost. I feel like for the first time i cant be honest about my feelings and I'm scared in a way I've never felt before. I could really use so help/advice. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
46 minutes ago, LEB80 said:

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of her sudden death.  We are still together. Until today, I've never felt like i was in a relationship with a 3rd person. I've anxiously nodded in agreement when he's talked about our future. He said "I love you" first.  Because of social media, today is the first time I haven't felt part of his present and future. Im scared and sad and lost. I feel like for the first time i cant be honest about my feelings and I'm scared in a way I've never felt before. I could really use so help/advice. 

Is it the anniversary that's brought on these feelings? Social media? Please forgive me, I'm unclear as to the nature of your distress, is it the anniversary? The way he's dealing with it perhaps? 

Again, forgive my obtuseness, I want to help, but I'm unsure how

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Andy. My vagueness probably doesn't help so thanks for asking me to clarify.  He posted how he's still so IN love with her. This is a first.  Ive never felt threatened or scared by their past as it's shaped him into who I am in love with today. But now for the first time since we started seeing eachother, I'm confused and hurting, and not sure how to even broach the subject.  I would never ask him to stop loving her. I just don't know what to say or do. Hopefully I knocked a little of the vagueness off. Thank you in advance to anyone with any input.  It's also just kinda nice to put it out to the universe like this too. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

It helps to accept the other person as being part of him and not try to compete or "outdo" her in his heart, that can never happen, instead you create a place of your own in his heart.  Dating a widow is different from dating someone else.  If you're unable to accept his love for her without feeling threatened by it, it'll never work.  I remember reading an article by a famous author once who had married a widow.  She felt jealous at first, but then she got to know her.  She noticed the woman had had a gift closet, that she was someone who was very thoughtful...she began trying to get to know who she was, and in so doing, began to care for her herself.  Instead of seeing her as competition, she got to know the person that her husband loved and why, it helped her embrace her rather than fight her.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

LEB80, Thank you for joining us again and giving us an update. I am sorry for how you are feeling today. Please do not feel hurt, slighted, or threatened by this 1 year marker. He is always going to love the one he lost, and his heart has been big enough for a special place for you also. His loss made him a better person in being able to give of himself and love you. You have her to be grateful to, in the man he is today. He understands what it is like to love and lose. You are on the receiving end of the lessons of goodness, compassion and love he learned. You don't have to say or do anything. Just be there for him as you have been doing. Someday in the future, you might find yourself thanking her for bringing him into your life and how she prepared him in loving and giving to another. (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 5/20/2017 at 5:19 AM, LEB80 said:

Hi Andy. My vagueness probably doesn't help so thanks for asking me to clarify.  He posted how he's still so IN love with her. This is a first.  Ive never felt threatened or scared by their past as it's shaped him into who I am in love with today. But now for the first time since we started seeing eachother, I'm confused and hurting, and not sure how to even broach the subject.  I would never ask him to stop loving her. I just don't know what to say or do. Hopefully I knocked a little of the vagueness off. Thank you in advance to anyone with any input.  It's also just kinda nice to put it out to the universe like this too. 

It's more my needing clear cut information than anything else. I shy from assuming too much. 

I can tell you that if he said that (or even if he didn't), he's telling you the truth. It's something I've thought about from time to time, more so now than at any time earlier. How, if such a thing is possible, would I ever allow someone to get close to me again? At least in a "romantic" way. Geez, even writing that seems ludicrous. However, I have wondered. Like your boyfriend, I lost my wife and we were happily in love, content, completely at ease with one another, she being my best friend, my most cherished confidant, the solace I turned to in times of trouble, she was my wife, and I'm a better man for having her. When she passed, all of those things I mentioned, they didn't pass. I still feel those things, and I know, as a fact, that I will ALWAYS love her. If I'm not meant to find anyone else then that's 100% okay, I had a beautiful marriage, I was blessed. IF I do find myself on a path of another relationship, then I have to understand how those two "realities" can coexist. Loving, intimately and truly, two people? Is that possible? To give my all to one person while giving my all to another? I don't know, but it does happen, it is possible. Your boyfriend, I imagine, is dealing with a complex set of emotions, brought on by his feelings for you and what it means for his former life. Guilt over allowing himself to love someone else, doubt over his decision to "move forward", joy from the love he has now, happiness found after a time of believing he'd never be happy again. It's all so overwhelming. As KayC, KMB and Francine have suggested, be patient, don't "panic", understand him, but also, do not keep your fears hidden. If what you have is built on honesty and trust, then your concerns will be met with consideration and concern. Tell him what you feel, how it frightens you or casts doubt in your mind. You must be honest. 

I've considered the perspective of someone who would potentially get involved (only God knows why) with me. I know that she would have to think that "the only reason I'm here is because his wife died". That's powerful. Another, "how can he really love me, he was in love with his wife when she died, it's not like they divorced because they hated one another". "How can I begin to build a life with this guy, he had a life, built over 27 years". "Does he think of her while we're together? Does he compare us? Does he say things to me that he used to say to her? What does his daughter think about all of this? His family?"

This goes on and on. Complexities  within an even more convoluted brew of confusion and anguish. It's tough, and I commend you for taking a chance of this fellow, you have put yourself on the line in hopes of finding happiness, for both of you. You've proven to be patient, understanding, compassionate and caring. I think you'll navigate this rather well, and I hope that if I'm ever to go down that road again, I find someone with your sense of grace and understanding. 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm so grateful to have been on the receiving end of all of your advice twice now.  I guess I'm reluctant to bring some of these feelings up because I question if I'm being unrealistic.  I cant imagine the kind of pain you all have been through. I dont have a clue how i would feel/ act if the roles were reversed. I'd like to think I would be open to loving again. I really do believe we have a future together.  And I will never ask him to dismiss or forget any of what he had. It probably didn't help I was up all night before posting that worrying but not wanting to overstep or intrude so I just internalized and redirected to this forum.  Again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  Andy, thank you for beautiful compliment.  I am humbled by your words. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Leb,

I can't speak for your boyfriend but I can tell you that if it were me, I would appreciate the frank and open discussion of how you feel. Your hopes for the relationship and your fears about your unique situation. Your fears of "competing" with her are completely natural and your honest discussion can give your boyfriend a glimpse into your heart that he would have otherwise never seen. 

Another thing to consider is that your boyfriend is going out on a very scary limb for him. He knows the pain of love and loss and you are special enough to him that he is willing to go out on that limb all the while knowing that he could endure this pain again. Like the quote says, "Grief is the price we pay for love". 50% of spouses will pay the greatest toll known as grief. He has paid this toll once yet he is willing to risk it again for you. Take that as an honor that he would expose himself to the risk of that kind of pain again. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Autocharge
On 5/21/2017 at 10:11 AM, Andy said:

It's more my needing clear cut information than anything else. I shy from assuming too much. 

I can tell you that if he said that (or even if he didn't), he's telling you the truth. It's something I've thought about from time to time, more so now than at any time earlier. How, if such a thing is possible, would I ever allow someone to get close to me again? At least in a "romantic" way. Geez, even writing that seems ludicrous. However, I have wondered. Like your boyfriend, I lost my wife and we were happily in love, content, completely at ease with one another, she being my best friend, my most cherished confidant, the solace I turned to in times of trouble, she was my wife, and I'm a better man for having her. When she passed, all of those things I mentioned, they didn't pass. I still feel those things, and I know, as a fact, that I will ALWAYS love her. If I'm not meant to find anyone else then that's 100% okay, I had a beautiful marriage, I was blessed. IF I do find myself on a path of another relationship, then I have to understand how those two "realities" can coexist. Loving, intimately and truly, two people? Is that possible? To give my all to one person while giving my all to another? I don't know, but it does happen, it is possible. Your boyfriend, I imagine, is dealing with a complex set of emotions, brought on by his feelings for you and what it means for his former life. Guilt over allowing himself to love someone else, doubt over his decision to "move forward", joy from the love he has now, happiness found after a time of believing he'd never be happy again. It's all so overwhelming. As KayC, KMB and Francine have suggested, be patient, don't "panic", understand him, but also, do not keep your fears hidden. If what you have is built on honesty and trust, then your concerns will be met with consideration and concern. Tell him what you feel, how it frightens you or casts doubt in your mind. You must be honest. 

I've considered the perspective of someone who would potentially get involved (only God knows why) with me. I know that she would have to think that "the only reason I'm here is because his wife died". That's powerful. Another, "how can he really love me, he was in love with his wife when she died, it's not like they divorced because they hated one another". "How can I begin to build a life with this guy, he had a life, built over 27 years". "Does he think of her while we're together? Does he compare us? Does he say things to me that he used to say to her? What does his daughter think about all of this? His family?"

This goes on and on. Complexities  within an even more convoluted brew of confusion and anguish. It's tough, and I commend you for taking a chance of this fellow, you have put yourself on the line in hopes of finding happiness, for both of you. You've proven to be patient, understanding, compassionate and caring. I think you'll navigate this rather well, and I hope that if I'm ever to go down that road again, I find someone with your sense of grace and understanding. 

Andy

LEB80, 

First Andy is so wright. He has said so much of the same things that I have not had the time to write down in my postings.

That being said, if you haven't read my thread "Autocharge my experience " I encourage you to do so . It is a lengthy thread now I must say. However I think it will provide you with the exact view point you are looking for. For I will be at the one year mark this week and I have been trying to move forward with my grieving process. I think  your boyfriend and you will stay together for he wants you more then he is capable of telling you at this time.

Autocharge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Autocharge
On 5/21/2017 at 10:11 AM, Andy said:

How, if such a thing is possible, would I ever allow someone to get close to me again? At least in a "romantic" way. Geez, even writing that seems ludicrous.

Andy, my brother

For me I have chosen to fight the loneliness , solitude , emptiness. For I know I'm not complete with out another half. It is scary!!!!!!

Autocharge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am again beyond grateful to each of you.

Autocharge,  I have not seen your thread but will head right over. 

Since the common thought here is that I need to be more open with my feelings, should I have him read this post as a starting off point? I told him I've read a lot (a few books and some stuff online) as a way of helping better understand his experience but never specifically mentioned posting anything myself. Would reading this be helpful or harmful? Hes not been into seeking any kind of grief help/groups as far as i know.  Also as an additional update, Saturday he told me he was glad he got to talk about me with the group he was with Friday, making me really think I got to far into my own head. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 hours ago, LEB80 said:

I am again beyond grateful to each of you.

Autocharge,  I have not seen your thread but will head right over. 

Since the common thought here is that I need to be more open with my feelings, should I have him read this post as a starting off point? I told him I've read a lot (a few books and some stuff online) as a way of helping better understand his experience but never specifically mentioned posting anything myself. Would reading this be helpful or harmful? Hes not been into seeking any kind of grief help/groups as far as i know.  Also as an additional update, Saturday he told me he was glad he got to talk about me with the group he was with Friday, making me really think I got to far into my own head. 

It's not easy opening your heart(and your feelings). It's a scary thing to put yourself out there while not knowing how you will be received. If you really want to make this relationship work then being honest and forthright is an important step. Again, I don't pretend to know your boyfriend's grief journey but I know that I would be grateful for your openness and for your willingness to try to understand his pain if it were me. Autocharge posted recently about showing his children a post as the words said what he wanted to tell them so it seems as it was helpful for him. But your situation is different than his. If you're scared then tell him. If you want a future with him, tell him. If you want to know more about his grief journey, ask him. But be gentle because some people keep their pain close to the vest and have a hard time expressing their true feelings. Sometimes people in grief just need someone to listen and know that they have someone in their corner. Just listen and let him know that you will be there for him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

It sounds like you're both upfront and honest with each other, and that's important.  It's always scary being vulnerable, especially as you realize how deep your feelings are.  I don't know that it's necessary for him to read this thread but it would help for you two to be able to talk about how you're both feeling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Autocharge
11 hours ago, LEB80 said:

should I have him read this post as a starting off point?

 

1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

Autocharge posted recently about showing his children a post as the words said what he wanted to tell them so it seems as it was helpful for him.

LEB80, 

I see were your going with this. I just want to say I showed my kids just one post. At this point in my "grieving " I do not want my kids to read every thing that I'm talking about/posting. This is a very personal subject with me and I'm very lucky to have found anonymous people that I don't mind shearing with as long as we remain anonymous. Dose that make sense.

Autocharge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Autocharge,  I completely get it. You guys are "mine" just as he has her friends and family that I have no connection to. I just wasn't quote sure how to word it. Maybe at some point I'll show him this forum...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.