I don't want to be here anymore - God, let me be with her

[Lauraliz]

I say this fairly regularly, "I don't want to be here, I just want to be where she is ". My mother is the only person in my life that understands what I'm saying without thinking I'm crazy or speaking about harming myself as she just lost my father 18 months ago after 45 years of marriage and experiences that same longing. My dad passing away is a grief I am still going through as well and what I thought would be the hardest thing I would ever go through. I sure was wrong about that, losing Maddy is by far the worst thing I'll go through.

So when I say I don't want to be HERE what I mean is I long to be in heaven where she is. I do not want to be here in the place to hurt the rest of my life. I pray each night that God comes and takes me to be with her, but I do not mean by self harm. There is just such a longing to hear her voice again, touch her beautiful hair again, hug her, or just be near her. Maddy knew God in her heart so I have no doubt that she is with my father in heaven. Maddy just got lost in finding a vice to cover up the grief she felt over losing my father. We had always lived next door to my parents during her life. They had a very close and special relationship. When he passed away she started experimenting with various drugs and even household items to cope. We put her in rehab for an extensive stay and she did so well for 6 months after getting out and then this one time, why did she pick something so deadly?? I don't understand, and why in the bathtub. If it had been anywhere else  at least she might would have woke up with a headache, vomit on her pillow and being in trouble with me. 

I long to be with my daughter and I know someday I will walk beside her again and my father too. I so look forward to that day. That will be such a happy and joyous day. The hardest part is waiting the rest of my life here without her. I realize I have to wait until God calls me home, but oh how I long for that day. 

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]

Lauralize ~

i am sooooo sorry for the loss of your dear Maddy ~~

how long has it been ?

THANK YOU.  THANK  U.     THANK YOU !!!!!!

i totally know what you mean ~~~~ for I too, felt  way thru the loss

of both my sons Rocky & Ronnie ~ and I also look forward to seeing / joining my dear sons ~ dad & all others in Heaven who have gone on before me whom I miss ~

only ones who have walked in our shoes can understand... 

RAiNiE

 

I 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Lauralliz, I am sorry for the loss of your dear daughter and for your dad. I understand that longing. Hugs.

[Lauraliz]

 She passed away Dec 11, 2016 at the age of 15. 

[Alina's mom]

Sooo sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter on May 22, 2016.  I know your pain...((( Tears....

 

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]

Such a beautiful & Sweet spirited young woman.      Your loss is so recent.    I call the where u r @ as the 'the outa ur mind with GREIF time.       Be gentle with itself.   After all u have been so traumatized in ur body soul & spirit one can not even but the words that a heart feels at this time.   Losing my sons was a killings of my body soul & spirit.  

I care.     RAiNie

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Beautiful Girl Lauraliz, we wonder why such lovely ones get taken. You might be familiar with the song by the Band Perry, If  I die Young...just don't understand. 

You are more than welcome to join us on the thread Loss of an Adult Child. There is a very interactive group there...we post as we can. If you just want to "hang out" there, and read along, or need to vent it is all okay. Hugs.

[TearsInHeaven]

Lauraliz- losing your father and then your daughter is such a traumatic time.  My condolences are sent to you with as much comfort as I can send.  Rainie is right --you are in the overwhelming grip of grief and your heart and soul are so broken.  You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know this pain all to well but fortunately have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life.  You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now.  Your grief will be unique just as Maddy is.  You will learn your way on this path. Sharing your pain can help. I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. but having the ability to get my feelings out  has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart.  But it is a little different then in the beginning---  Someone on the Loss of an Adult Child thread told me early on that tears are the love you have inside for your child.  That has stuck with me all this time.   I am sure your love for Maddy is pouring out of you.  Laurie, in the post above ,has been one of those I think of as a mentor on my journey.  There are many active parents on there. Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. Those who come close to understanding that are those who share that experience. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with a loss but they do not have to be alone.

[Tommy's mum]

Lauraliz I totally get that pain and longing to see your child again we all feel it. People dont get that you will miss your child forever, as time goes by they think you should "just be over it by now" and" you need to move on." Grief is all that love you have inside you that you cannot physically give to the child who has passed, the empty arms that long to hold her again. The love you hold for your daughter and the deep sadness at her passing will always be a part of you, The secret is to start choosing life and being able to make it count. I am still searching for that path. It takes a lot of time (therapy!) and soul searching before the acceptance is within you and you can find your life meaningful. Be patient with yourself and express freely how you are feeling. you are not alone.