Guilt, regrets and fading memory

[Gem]

I lost my mom on April 29 2015. She was only 59 and I was 24 at that time.

We just migrated to the states from the Philippines in 2013, it was just her and myself, my two older brothers were left back home. She was my best friend. My grieving was very difficult in the beginning, I had to celebrate Mother's Day shortly after her death, her birthday came in June and mine in July. I was in deep pain, I missed her everyday, lost interest in a lot of things and mostly regretted the times I didn't spend with her. At one point I had to seek the help of a therapist to cope.

When she was diagnosed in January 2015, I was in the early stages of a serious relationship with a wonderful man. I didn't think my mom would get sick and that it was the worst of worst. I juggled taking care of her and keeping up with my job and relationship. I had to take some time off from work to care for her after a 911 incident involving seizures. That was when the doctors confirmed how bad her state was. I tried to be there for her but it was just myself supporting both of us financially so I had to go back to work. I regretted it, all the times I spent away from her instead of caring for her.

Almost two years now since her passing and I've managed to cope for the most part. Although there are still days when I cry and long for her like today.This month has been rough for me, this is the month she was diagnosed and a lot of memories are flashing back. I've tried to shove these memories away because it hurts and I am traumatized by it.

At the same time I find myself trying to recall how her hugs and kisses felt like and how her voice sounded like but sometimes memories fail me. I'm scared. I miss her terribly and I'm afraid I'll get stuck with the feeling of guilt and lose my memories of her all at the same time. 

[ELiz]

Guilt is a terrible thing isn't it? My mother passed away exactly one month ago unexpected. As I sit in my office at work I'm thinking of that morning. The morning she didn't wake up from her sleep. She was only 65 and very much healthy. I too deal with an enormous amount of guilt. I'm a married mother of two young children. I've worked 8-5 schedule for many years. As a working mother I struggled to balance work and family life. As a result I didn't spend as much time with my mother as I would have liked. I felt like I was always so busy and on the rare days that were uneventful all I wanted to do it veg out at home and get much needed rest. I now wish I could go back in time and have spent that time with her. She has retired several years ago and often complained of being bored and lonely as my father barely retired a few months ago and it was just her at home. It breaks my heart that I could have made her feel less lonely and bored if I had just made time for her. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I have in time we can both find some peace with it. I'm terribly sorry for your loss.  I think talking about your mother will keep the memory of her alive. I'm grateful for sites such as this where you have that outlet and most importantly with others who actually understand. I've started writing in a journal for the days that are very tough or days I wanna write my mom something I would have normally wanted to share with her via phone. I know she's not here to read it but it keeps my relationship with her alive. Message me if you ever need someone to talk to.

[cindyjane]

Gem and Eliz ... I am so sorry about your losses.  No matter how much time passes, we are still going to miss our parents when they leave us.  I see it as a testimony of the love that we have for them.  That being said, time really is a healer and the pain of our loss does lighten.  I find that tears are also very healing so when it really hits me, I let them flow.

Feelings of guilt is for sure something that I believe many of us experience.  Feelings of guilt can really weigh us down and it is such an unwanted feeling.  Feelings of guilt will interfere with our memories.  It took me a lot of soul searching to let go of the guilt and the thing that allowed me to do that was in knowing that my parents wanted only the best for me (happiness, good health, etc.) while they were still here and now that they are gone.  I believe from the depths of my heart that your mothers wanted the same for you while they were still here and now that they are gone.  Moms always want the best for their children.  You were both living your lives and doing your best.  That is what matters.  I believe that your mothers both knew that.  

Gratefully I was able to shake off those feelings of guilt in knowing that is not what my parents would want.  That being said, YES I look back and wish that I had spent more time with my parents but that is life....we can't be somewhere 24/7.  We can only do our best with what we knew at the time.  Hang in there ... and just know in your heart what your mothers would want for you today.  

take care ... I hope this helps

Cindy Jane