How Do I Get Past the Guilt?

[whosjeebus]

My beloved cat, Starbuck, died on Monday, January 16th. He was diagnosed with cancer about a week prior, and the vets at his care center gave him his first chemo treatment the day after diagnosis. Starbuck's full story can be found here : Starbuck's GoFundMe Page (we are no longer seeking donations). 

Long story short (unless you followed the link), Starbuck got better, then worse, then a little better, then even worse, and through it all, the doctors continued to give me hope, saying things like, "If we can just get him over this hump, the chemo can do its work", and "If we can just get food in him for a few days, he'll be much more stable." I just wanted my kitty to live a little longer, and it seemed like a real possibility, the way they explained it, and all the research I did online seemed to support what they were saying. But after we'd spent $6000 on blood transfusions and a feeding tube and meds and oxygen and ultrasounds and centesis and hospitalization, we ran out of money. The vet called me Monday morning to check in, and let me know Starbuck was doing about the same. I informed him that we had to bring Starbuck home at this point, because we were flat broke. He said he'd write up some detailed instructions for home care.

My dog died in November of 2016, we'd had to have her euthanized at this same veterinary facility. The cost was $900.

My four children and I got Starbuck home around 1pm. He was MUCH worse off than I'd been led to believe. He was pitiful, and it was obvious he did not have long. My kids were seeing this first hand, and with the exception of one holdout, we agreed that Starbuck needed to be put to sleep, as a kindness. The one holdout, my oldest son, was fully on board with euthanasia by the time of Starbuck's death, which was at 2:30. Until the last minute, he'd still had hope we might find some more money, or that one more dose of medicine might help, or maybe if we waited long enough, Starbuck would improve. He was grasping for any straw out there, he wanted his kitty to live, and I love him for it. Unfortunately, we never had time to act on the euthanasia plan, even though I had found someone to come to our home and do it, at a price my parents were willing to pay, due to our current financial situation.

I had read up on ways to comfort a sick and dying cat, and we'd prepared our home in every way we possibly could. He had a cozy bed and blankets in a warm, quiet, draft-free part of the house. His water dish and litter box were right at hand. We had quiet nature sounds playing, and soft, indirect lighting for him to see by. There was room for all of us to gather around him and pet him. We had tried to see to Starbuck's every comfort, and between the five of us, we were ready to provide round the clock care. It wasn't enough.

His ending was awful. We were all there, petting him, telling him we loved him, saying that it was okay to stop fighting and let go. He gasped his last breath surrounded by loved ones, but it wasn't peaceful, it wasn't dignified, and I wished to god I'd had enough time to arrange a better ending for him.

He was such a good kitty, he was so sweet and gentle and funny, he was so LOVED, and he didn't deserve to die like that, to spend his last moments on earth in distress and pain. I can't stop seeing it over and over in my mind, and it hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. How do I get past this?

I can't sleep, I can't eat, and everything I see reminds me of Starbuck. I'm a useless person while I'm consumed with this much grief and guilt, and I want to get better. What do I do? 

[KayC]

I am sorry you lost Starbucks and even sorrier for the way he had to go and the suffering he did.  You see, I had a cat, King George, that also had cancer.  By the time I got his correct diagnosis, it was way too late.  The animal hospital that originally treated him had led me to believe it was a sinus infection and with medication he'd get better.  More and more medication did not help, he kept losing weight and was truly miserable.  When I took him to my other vet I found out he had cancer, I'll spare you the details.  I had him put to sleep.  I've never heard of that costing $900!  I'm sorry the vets bled you dry and he suffered meanwhile.  Poor little kitty.  You gave him every fighting chance, and have nothing to feel guilty about.  He knew you all loved him, you gave him the best you could.

It's common to feel guilt when we lose them, but that doesn't mean it's justified, it just means it's one more thing we have to work through with losing them.

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

 

[KMB]

Words cannot adequately convey how sorry I am for your loss of Starbucks. Such a horrible ordeal for your family to go through. I truly feel that at the time a pet or a person crosses over, that their soul leaves the body and does not feel the pain and suffering of the body releasing it's physical being. I hope that makes sense.

I am sorry also about the medical bills you have endured when all you wanted was to save Starbucks. There is getting to be too many insensitive veterinary practices out there who are money hungry. Just like human doctors. But, aside from that, you gave the best care to Starbucks that you had access to. Remember the joy, love and comfort he brought to each and every one of you.I feel that Starbucks does not want you and your family to dwell on his passing. Remember the beautiful, loving life you gave him. The love and memories you all will carry within your hearts.

[James Kessel]

On 1/18/2017 at 5:54 AM, whosjeebus said:

My beloved cat, Starbuck, died on Monday, January 16th. He was diagnosed with cancer about a week prior, and the vets at his care center gave him his first chemo treatment the day after diagnosis. Starbuck's full story can be found here : Starbuck's GoFundMe Page (we are no longer seeking donations). 

Long story short (unless you followed the link), Starbuck got better, then worse, then a little better, then even worse, and through it all, the doctors continued to give me hope, saying things like, "If we can just get him over this hump, the chemo can do its work", and "If we can just get food in him for a few days, he'll be much more stable." I just wanted my kitty to live a little longer, and it seemed like a real possibility, the way they explained it, and all the research I did online seemed to support what they were saying. But after we'd spent $6000 on blood transfusions and a feeding tube and meds and oxygen and ultrasounds and centesis and hospitalization, we ran out of money. The vet called me Monday morning to check in, and let me know Starbuck was doing about the same. I informed him that we had to bring Starbuck home at this point, because we were flat broke. He said he'd write up some detailed instructions for home care.

My dog died in November of 2016, we'd had to have her euthanized at this same veterinary facility. The cost was $900.

My four children and I got Starbuck home around 1pm. He was MUCH worse off than I'd been led to believe. He was pitiful, and it was obvious he did not have long. My kids were seeing this first hand, and with the exception of one holdout, we agreed that Starbuck needed to be put to sleep, as a kindness. The one holdout, my oldest son, was fully on board with euthanasia by the time of Starbuck's death, which was at 2:30. Until the last minute, he'd still had hope we might find some more money, or that one more dose of medicine might help, or maybe if we waited long enough, Starbuck would improve. He was grasping for any straw out there, he wanted his kitty to live, and I love him for it. Unfortunately, we never had time to act on the euthanasia plan, even though I had found someone to come to our home and do it, at a price my parents were willing to pay, due to our current financial situation.

I had read up on ways to comfort a sick and dying cat, and we'd prepared our home in every way we possibly could. He had a cozy bed and blankets in a warm, quiet, draft-free part of the house. His water dish and litter box were right at hand. We had quiet nature sounds playing, and soft, indirect lighting for him to see by. There was room for all of us to gather around him and pet him. We had tried to see to Starbuck's every comfort, and between the five of us, we were ready to provide round the clock care. It wasn't enough.

His ending was awful. We were all there, petting him, telling him we loved him, saying that it was okay to stop fighting and let go. He gasped his last breath surrounded by loved ones, but it wasn't peaceful, it wasn't dignified, and I wished to god I'd had enough time to arrange a better ending for him.

He was such a good kitty, he was so sweet and gentle and funny, he was so LOVED, and he didn't deserve to die like that, to spend his last moments on earth in distress and pain. I can't stop seeing it over and over in my mind, and it hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. How do I get past this?

I can't sleep, I can't eat, and everything I see reminds me of Starbuck. I'm a useless person while I'm consumed with this much grief and guilt, and I want to get better. What do I do? 

I'm very sorry for your loss. We just lost our dog Gracie on Thursday. We were fortunate to have a good vet to help us and end her suffering. You have nothing to be guilty about, that vet should feel guilty. Taking advantage of people when they're most vulnerable. Sharing your story proves the amount of Love and care you had for Starbuck. 

[I miss my girld]

I am so sorry for what Starbuck went through and for your loss. I understand feeling guilty but, even though I don't know the specifics of your situation, this sounds like an instance where it really wasn't your fault. My sweet love died on January 16th and it was also a very un-peaceful death that keeps replaying in my mind. One thing I can say is that you, Starbuck, and your family were lucky to be together through this and that it takes a great amount of love to bear witness and try to offer comfort during something so painful. I feel horrible guilt, but for very different reasons. It's too many awful things at once: losing someone wonderful who you truly love, the feeling (justified or not) that you are in some way to blame, and knowing your baby did not go in a way you would have wished for them. Without my best friend, I now live alone- which means I can still keep talking to her and saying all the things I need to say, including tons of "I love you" and "I'm so sorry". I also write letters to her in my journal. Maybe writing to him would seem right to you. "Feeling better" is not something I'm even seeking right now, which I suspect is true for many others experiencing grief and guilt. I just do things that I feel like I need to do or should do, for whatever reason

[KayC]

I miss my girl,

I'm sorry for your loss too.  Your suggestions and not only thoughtful, but helpful.  God be with you as you go through this.