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I want to go too.


Stonesie

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My husband lost his battle 12/25/2016.   It was far from expected, although metastatic melanoma is mean and fast.  We really thought that Moffitt Cancer Center had things pretty decently under control.  The tumors in his brain had other ideas.  One day he was grocery shopping with me, eating at a restaurant...the next he had a massive brain bleed. During surgery a stroke took out a fourth of his brain.  The next day a massive stroke took the rest of his brain and he died.

I KNOW he didn't feel ready to go.  I'm in shock.  We were together for thirty years, married for 24.  It's been a little over three weeks now...this is the longest I've been away from him ever.

When I looked down in the earth at his casket...I wanted to go too.  I still just want to go.  I have two daughters and a beautiful grandson but all  I can think of is I can't stand a life without Kevin in it.  How can I possibly do this?  I don't  want to.

I'm on disability for Mixed Connective Tissue Disease also.  My own health is crap.  I'll turn 48 at the end of this week and my world has crumbled.

I want to scream for help, but nothing anyone says seems to matter.:(

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I am sorry.  Those words are never adequate.  I lost my love 5 months ago and it is a struggle not constantly wanting to join him.  I am not and haven't been suicidal, but my desire to live is not strong as I would rather be with my husband.  

I have learned to just take one moment at a time, keep breathing, and my escape is to read or watch movies.  Mostly reading because it is a solitary activity, not something I did with my husband. 

It gets easier to deal with the ache and grief as time goes on.  It doesn't go away and I am not sure it gets better, but it gets easier.  

My thoughts are with you.

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Stonesie,

I'm so sorry, words just don't touch it.  Your whole world has just crumbled and you're gasping for air!  It will be easier on down the road as you begin to process your grief and adjust to living alone, but this will be the hardest thing you've ever been called upon to do.  Try not to think about the rest of your life and just get through today.  Repeat that to yourself.  To take on more than today is to invite anxiety and feel overwhelmed.  One day at a time...one hour at a time, one moment at a time, if that's the most you can handle.  Later on you will find moments of happiness, but it may be a long while before you get there.  Try not to worry about it, it will come.

Please make an appointment to see a professional grief counselor.  Not just any counselor, but one especially licensed and trained in GRIEF.  The others are not trained in grief.  It might take a couple counselors before you get the one that resonates with you, but don't give up on it.  A good grief counselor can help you through this maze of grief, help you know where to start in order to look up.

And keep coming here.  It's important to have that safe place you can come to where people get it and understand, that place you can express yourself and know you are heard.

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Stonsie,I am sorry for your loss. I know the pain is unbearable. When we lose our beloved partner, our life comes crashing down. We are suffocating in emotions where there doesn't seem any relief. We understand and listen on this site. It has become my lifeline and I hope yours also. Take care of yourself and your own health issues. Try to be your own best friend. Your husband put up a brave fight and now you have to continue it for yourself as he would want you to. Just breathe, one minute, one hour at a time. Don't think about tomorrow, next week, the future at all. The grieving and the over thinking are overwhelming. Just do what you can to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do for yourself to cope, be it laying in bed all day, crying, reading, watching tv, anything. Be sure to eat a few small meals if you can and drink water so you don't get dehydrated. And check into what Kayc suggested, grief counseling. We are here for you.

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Stonesie

I feel your pain and am so sorry for your loss.  My husband of nearly 45 years died suddenly on December 6, 2016 and I still feel like I'm in a dream - no it's more like a nightmare and I can wake up. I can only imagine the lost you are feeling now is beyond words.  Shock, disbelief, hurt, anger, confusion are some of the emotions I had when my husband was taken from this earth and some I still have. We are inseparably and did everything together.   I wanted desperately to know if he (his spirit) was OK and prayed for an answer.   It was revealed to my spirit that he was OK and a weight was lifted from my heart.    

Know what you and your husband had will always be - nothing can change that - it's in the atmosphere - it's forever.  Thank God for designing a man specifically for you, allowing you 30 years together, two daughters, a grandson and sharing the love you had for one another.   Many are not awarded those blessings.   

Please continue to post - this website is a good source of thoughtful people giving words of comfort and encouragement - something we all need.  My prayer is for God to send you his unwavering love, his strength and inner peace to help you get through this most difficult time.   One other thing - God sends angels to protect and watch over us.  Guess what?  Kevin is the angel assigned to watcher over you and the girls - he's there and doing the job God assigned him to do.  God Bless 

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I too lost my wife to Metastasized Melanoma, She also went fast. Same deal, we thought we at least had a year. We got 2.5months, and she went downhill FAST in the last week. I know how you feel. I don't particularly want to be here either, not without my one true love. I stay here and keep myself going for our kids, and the hope that I can get myself to a place where I can live again.

It hurts so bad right now, and I cannot imagine ever actually feeling any better, but I have to hope.

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I'm so sorry 

it's helpful to know that there is a place where we can at least identify with other people because truly I feel like I'm going crazy. And I have the darkest times where I think if it weren't for my mom and the people in my life I would want to just check out too

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Jules, I have had the same dark thoughts and it is scary and unhealthy to think that way. I think that God and my husband would be disappointed in me. But, in reality, I can count on one hand, the people who would truly miss me. As individuals, we are worthy of life and have value. But, for me, I had value being a wife and I enjoyed life. Life is meaningless for me right now. I'm keeping my faith in God that changes. I just have to put some positive effort into finding a new life that has purpose to it. You will too in time.

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KMB 

1 hour ago, KMB said:

As individuals, we are worthy of life and have value.

Your statement is so real and true.  Life is so precious,  a gift given by God and we must live it to its fullest.   Losing a spouse can sometimes be so devastating that all kinds of notions come to our minds; some unhealthy and others (some would say). unstable. Unfortunately, bad things happen to good people; that's just the way it is.  We don't always understand and sometimes it's not meant for us to.  God never said the journey would be easy, his promise to us was when it wasn't, he would be there comforting, loving and holding us up every step of the way.  While we may not know what the future brings, we do know who holds our future. - God.  

I pray you find God's love strength and peace.  God Bless us All!

 

 

 

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13 hours ago, CKYdad said:

I too lost my wife to Metastasized Melanoma

:( Your Angel date is almost exactly a month before mine.  Terrible disease, they had.  My kids and grandbaby (and my doggies) are my reason for staying here.  I will keep trying.  I have to.

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More than one of you mentioned to remember to breathe.  That is something that has caught me a bit by surprise.  I literally find myself NOT BREATHING when the grief is at its worst.  Thank you for the reminder.  

Also, MASSIVE thank you to everyone who replied to me.  You all are so important to me.  The people who actually DO understand what this feels like.

I actually am NOT suicidal.  I just don't want to live here without him.  I know that doesn't sound like there's any difference.  But I think there is.  I would never actually take my life - I agree that all life is precious.

Much love to everyone here.  I'll keep looking for reasons to get out of bed in the morning.

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3 hours ago, Stonesie said:

 

I actually am NOT suicidal.  I just don't want to live here without him.  I know that doesn't sound like there's any difference.  But I think there is.  I would never actually take my life - I agree that all life is precious.

I think most of us get this exactly.  The vast majority of us are not suicidal, we just want to be with our partners, our love.  It is hard to explain to people not in this situation though.

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Today makes it 3 months since I lost my love. I miss him so much and I feel like I overflowing with love for him. It's still so very hard but I take it one day at a time and every day I seem to be doing a little better. I'm still consumed with legal matters but I have an amazing lawyer who really has my best interests at heart. She has been a godsent to me which has eased a lot of my stress. 

I too still just want to be with him and think about it every day. I still feel cheated of our life together. I'm not suicidal as well but my desire just to be with him again overwhelming. I love him so much. 

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I know that I've mentioned here and there in my posts the dark thoughts I've had. I want to be with my husband. It is a fact and the truth. Suicide is not the answer. I could not do that. We each have our life span to finish, we have to adjust to finishing out this life without our loved ones. Their life span was done earlier than ours and leaves an empty void that we have to fill with other things.This is where our hard work begins, to live a life without our beloveds. We are separated from our loved ones. That hurts, it is a pain that is never going to go away. The separation is going to be long and lonely. As part of this grief journey, the question is always going to be there, popping up during our worst times,can we hang on that long? We all have the same thoughts. My husband is in Heaven. I am here. The veil between the two is thin, but not thin enough. Our loved ones are watching over us, they can see and hear us when we talk to them. To me, that is unfair. God is in control and makes the rules. If God meant for me to go with my husband to Heaven, He would have. For reasons I have yet to figure out, God still wants me here.

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6 hours ago, Emeliza said:

we just want to be with our partners, our love.

So true.  After all, they were our companions, our better halves (if you will), someone we loved, lived with and depended on; in other words, our world.  Not having that world any longer can be unimaginable and quite terrifying.   Sometimes we may be uncertain if we have the energy or desire to continue without them - that (I think) is normal.  Sometimes I think that if I had a single flower for every time I thought about him, I could walk forever in a garden.  When reality checks me and I realize I can no longer touch him, feel him or love him, I get depressed, saddened and heavy-hearted.  What helps me though those times is just  knowing the love we shared was endless; the times we spent together were countless and I know when we meet again (and we will) - that will be eternal.   

54 minutes ago, KMB said:

Our loved ones are watching over us, they can see and hear us when we talk to them. To me, that is unfair. God is in control and makes the rules. If God meant for me to go with my husband to Heaven, He would have. For reasons I have yet to figure out, God still wants me here.

Your post is so on point.  Our loved ones are our angels sent by God to protect us and they are doing just that.  I'm sorry you think it unfair.  I believe some things are not meant for us understand - we don't see the whole picture or what the end project looks like - only God does. HIS thoughts are so far beyond our thoughts, his ways so above our ways.  Knowing and trusting things we don't understand is very difficult - that's where our faith comes in - trusting the unknown.  We all have a purpose and task to complete while on this earth.  This place is definitely NOT our home; a way station, if you will, and we're merely passing through.  Once our earthly task is complete, we too will be taken home - and guess who will be front and center rejoicing your return - the love of your life.  Remember, God makes no mistakes.  

My prayer is for you to continue to trust, and love the Lord.  God Bless you and keep you safe.   

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10 hours ago, Stonesie said:

I actually am NOT suicidal.  I just don't want to live here without him.

Believe me, we understand.  Our incentive has been lost, our joy, our purpose.  Anything that interested us before, job, hobbies, pales in comparison to the greatest loss of all time.  Nothing seems to interest us anymore.  Our grief work is the hardest thing we'll ever do.  I remember when I first heard that I felt angry that I have to do grief work when I didn't even what to be going through this at all!  After all, I was happy married to him, I didn't want to lose him!  It all seemed so unfair.  Let those who chose divorce have to work at it, I didn't I chose to stay married forever to him!  But alas the truth is, we do have grief work, like it or not, if we want to make it through this in any way we can live with.  We don't have a choice.

And the truth is, it IS UNFAIR!  But fairness never entered it.  It is neither here nor there.  Some are born rich, some into poverty.  Some have gifted brains, some none at all.  Some musical talent, some are tone deaf.  Some have wonderful parents, others are born into dysfunction.  Some can have children and don't know what to do with them.  Others would be wonderful parents but can't conceive.  Life is not fair!  Neither does death enter into fairness by our way of viewing it.  It strikes who it strikes.  Some die young in spite of taking care of themselves.  Others eat bacon and eggs, smoke a pack of cigarettes every day, never exercise, and live to be 100.  It isn't fair.  We have to come to the point where we realize that fairness doesn't enter in.  Our feelings of unfairness are legitimate.  When we get no answers long enough we let go of that argument, it does no good.  But in the meanwhile, it's okay to feel what you feel and vent...I for one am here to hear you.  And I care.

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10 hours ago, Stonesie said:

Much love to everyone here.  I'll keep looking for reasons to get out of bed in the morning.

That's a girl!

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Thank you, KayC. I am grateful that you are here. From the first day I joined this forum, it is your posts that have had me hanging in there, giving me hope that I can and will get through this painful journey.

I have had a scare this week which put my mind into a dark place thinking about unfairness, mortality, checking out. My dog has a tiny growth under one of his eyes. At his vet visits, it was checked and no concerns were raised. Some dogs and specific breeds are prone to growths and lumps as they get older. But, I recently noticed that the growth has gotten larger and my dog was rubbing that side of his face on the floor and in the snow when he was outside. There was swelling developing on his face and bleeding from the rubbing. I made a vet appointment which was yesterday afternoon. Two nights and one and a half days of waiting. The waiting for that appointment was excruciating. The only things I could do for my dog was to wash off the blood and put antiseptic spray on the rubbed raw site and give him baby aspirin. The dog was constantly restless, his face and neck ballooning up with swelling and I am even more of an emotional wreck. I kept thinking, cancer. I cannot take another loss. How can I go through the loss of my dog who is my source of comfort, my reason to keep going? Thankfully, it turns out the dog has an abscess inside his mouth from either chewing on something that scraped or punctured the mouth tissue or, it was discovered, a slightly chipped tooth, that could have caused the abscess. Time will tell the cause after the round of antibiotics. The growth under his eye was tested and it is benign. If it bothers the dog too much, it can be removed.

I brought our dog into our home for my husband. Our previous dog had passed and a few months later, I was still grieving his loss. My husband was recovering from a superbug infection, MRSA, and surgery. We both have a love for dogs and even though we were still grieving the loss of our previous pet, I thought having a pup again would bring him joy and comfort during his recovery. An incentive to speed his healing because my husband was not one to lay about the house, he was an outdoor person. I was not sure about having a dog again so soon but I did it out of selfless love for my husband. Now, since the loss of my husband, I depend on the dog as my only companion. I could not fathom his loss as well and thankfully I won't have to at this time. So, yes, my mind went into dark places. How could it not? My pets are my tie to what is left of our family. Without them, I have no idea where I would be with my state of mind.

 

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I lost my husband to Acute Myeloid Leukemia on 10/20/2016. I hate cancer. My husband didn't want to go either. He just wasn't ready at all. He didn't see it coming neither. It just took him very swiftly. 

I'm so sorry. I know that feeling of wanting to go to. I really didn't know how else to feel. I didn't care who thought what but then I have our precious three year old little girl pleading with me not to leave her like other people in her life did. I always thought well, she has her grand parents and all these other relatives but then, I remembered how much of a pain they were in my marriage. She's the reason, I had to face reality. I also have other children. They're innocent and I wouldn't want them to deal with pain, the way that I had too. 

I keep myself busy with social media. I found a new project. My husband's car he always wanted to make modifications to, I'm going to finish for him. I trying to find child care for the little one so that I can return to school. Homework and research papers should keep me occupied. It still hurts. I still get waves of everything. It's never going to go away but reality does set in more & more each day as it passes by. And I know the greatest words of wisdom, I've read here was to take it day by day, literally. 

(Hugs Xoxo)

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

it's okay to feel what you feel and vent...I for one am here to hear you.  And I care.

KayC

I believe you do and it is evident in your post.  You have always been so encouraging and uplifting and I appreciate your words of support and comfort for everyone.  God Bless you and this website.    

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Stonesie, your story is quite similar to mine - my darling husband had cancer, we thought we were on top of it, and then bam - mets in his brain and lungs took him. It's horrific and I certainly can relate to wanting to go with him. I didn't think I could possibly do any sort of a life without my Ken, and I still feel like it's being forced on me, but it is easing somewhat. I'm so very sorry for your loss, and three weeks, you poor little love - so very very raw. I'm glad you've found your way to this terrifically helpful forum, and you must feel free to post whenever you'd like.

Take care,

Louise

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13 hours ago, KayC said:

Believe me, we understand.  

This, exactly.  I've only been lurking and posting here for a couple of days...and you all REALLY get it.  You have together already done so much for me.  Knowing that there are so many others in exactly the same shape as me and many that were but are ahead a bit and doing okay - this gives me great hope and comfort.

I desperately wish there was a way to KNOW that he is with me.  I would feel so much better if I could know he was okay, that he is near.  I haven't yet been as fortunate to have that "feeling" as some others that I've seen on here, but I can hope that he is okay.   I love him so much and miss him terribly.

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11 hours ago, KMB said:

We both have a love for dogs

My dogs are bringing me GREAT joy even in the face of Losing Kevin.  The dogs (three of them) are feeling a loss too, they loved Kev so much.  We have this in common KMB.

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1 hour ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

Stonesie, your story is quite similar to mine - my darling husband had cancer, we thought we were on top of it, and then bam - mets in his brain and lungs took him. It's horrific and I certainly can relate to wanting to go with him. I didn't think I could possibly do any sort of a life without my Ken, and I still feel like it's being forced on me, but it is easing somewhat. I'm so very sorry for your loss, and three weeks, you poor little love - so very very raw. I'm glad you've found your way to this terrifically helpful forum, and you must feel free to post whenever you'd like.

Take care,

Louise

I find it just horrible how MANY people are in the same place.  With the same disease.   And the same fast loss.  I HATE CANCER SO MUCH!  It took both of my parents and now my husband.  I'm glad to see that it can ease eventually.  Thanks :)

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9 hours ago, Stonesie said:

This, exactly.  I've only been lurking and posting here for a couple of days...and you all REALLY get it.  

I agree. If I got nothing more out of this forum, it does help me to know that there are people out there going through exactly what I am going through that unlike 99% of other people that have suffered a loss. We have all said it a million times, loosing your wife or husband is something completely different from loosing a different loved one.

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KMB,

I'm glad you had your dog checked and he's going to be okay.  My dog is 1/2 Husky and 1/2 Golden Retriever and the Golden Retriever side of him has given him cysts.  Some he's had for years.  They can be removed but the only "cone" his size was an inflatable one that he reached right around with no problem, so I hate to have surgery on him not knowing how I'll keep him from licking/biting at the wound and tearing it open.  So he's lived with his growths, so far none of them have caused him any real problems, just annoyances more than anything.  

I understand how you feel about your dog because it's how I feel about mine.  All of the pets I had when George was alive are long gone, but I've gotten others and it's what keeps me going, quite honestly.  I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.

Chassisdope,

I love how you are carrying out your husband's dream!  My husband always wanted to restore a Cuda...I'd planned on getting him one when he retired so he could work on it, only he died way too young and that never happened.  I am not mechanical and the way it's turned out, I'm too poor to buy something I don't absolutely need.

Stonsie,

Perhaps you are hung up on a preconceived notion of what it might "feel" like to feel him with you.  Try letting go of that and believing him to be with you.  That is what made a difference for me.  Like when he was away on a trip, did you doubt his love for you because he wasn't there with you and you couldn't feel him?  No, you had faith in your love and that it continued...hang on to that faith now.

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KayC

My dog is slowly improving. A lot of the swelling has gone down. I'm thankful there is nothing overly serious wrong. The furnace is acting up again. Had a service tech here a little over a month ago. Placed another call but the schedule is full today, naturally, being a Friday. Will be sometime next week before someone can come out. But, they did say I might be able to get squeezed into the schedule yet today.  It's a waiting game. I just get so emotionally/mentally exhausted from dealing with things by myself.

Chassidope

It's encouraging for the rest of us that you are going to finish your husband's dream. I bet up in Heaven he is cheering you on!

Stonsie

KayC is right. Trust and believe your husband's spirit is with you. The love is still there. The bond that holds you two together from Heaven to here. In time, you might *sense* he is there. He'll come to you in dreams. I have been told that it is hard for their energy to come through when our sadness is so intense. The intensity of our grieving is a negative energy and blocks their positive, loving energy. If any of that makes sense. It might take awhile to *feel* his presence because you miss him so much. I am going through the same struggling, missing my husband so much it feels like an actual physical ache. Just have to try to keep in mind the love is always there, have faith and trust.

 

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KMB I look forward to a time when this doesn't physically hurt anymore...I'm so incredibly full of pain  right now.  If you're right then I imagine it'll be a while before I can tell any positive is coming my way.

KayC you're right, I actually was under the impression that it is a physical touch, a hand on your shoulder, something...I don't know what to think it is.

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Stonsie,

I only felt a physical touch once in this whole 11 1/2 years, and that was a few months ago...I needed it then more than ever as my anxiety was kicked in full bore!  Maybe that was the impetus that helped him break through, I don't know.  I may never experience anything like that again, and that's okay.

Today at my Restoration Class we were talking about how feelings aren't something to act on, they can be deceptive, but we go by what we believe, truth to be, by our faith...that is the same as I've learned to do this journey.  

Dreams are more common yet I think it was a year or two before I first had a dream with him in it.  I don't know why, I get them with my XH, random people, you name it, why not George, he was my soulmate, the one I was closest to in life, I don't get that, but I know a lot of things affect our dreams and maybe I've been deeper in my sleep so haven't remembered them all, who knows.  Try not to worry about that, try to relax and take comfort in the love you know the two of you share, a love that even physical death cannot destroy!

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I've been going round and round in my head about what I did and didn't do in the last few days and few hours...but my biggest thing right now is...did he REALLY KNOW how madly, deeply in love with him I am and was.  We told each other we loved each other all the time but you cannot even see inside anyone's head.  I just desperately hope that he knows.  

Grieving is so incredibly hard.  Thank heavens for you all who understand.  I wish we didn't all have this terrible thing in common because I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but still I am thankful.

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Stonsie,  We all go over and over the last days, moments. It is just how our minds work when we are grieving. But, I know in my heart, with my husband, the outcome was was how it was meant to be. Nothing could have changed it. It has been almost 6 months for me and I still have a hard time totally believing he is gone. I'm shaky this morning and wiping away tears here. Sundays were our days. Breakfast, Sunday morning news, doing whatever we wanted to do together the rest of the day. How did the years go by so quickly and now time crawls?

Your husband knows how much you love him. Love is the only emotion carried to Heaven. And Heaven is filled with peace and love.We have to keep in mind our loved ones love us and our watching over us, waiting for us to finish our life's experience here before we can join them. Can't happen soon enough for me.

 

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I too believe we know each other loves us.  We connected in such a way that there was no doubt!  It's just this blasted grief does this to us, makes us second guess everything and doubt everything when we shouldn't!  It's the grief talking, when the love speaks, doubt is removed.  Listen to the love inside of you, the love the two of you shared...

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KayC, You are so much better with words than I am. I  have been so overwhelmed with different things. The furnace went out again this morning. I had to call the repair place on Friday and someone is coming out tomorrow. I had to do this over a month ago and thought the situation had been fixed. Took 6 tries to get the furnace going again now. All I want to do is cry and plead with God to take me out of this so called reality and let me be with my husband. I took care of a lot of situations when my husband was here. But these things seem so insurmountable since I am alone. Your above post has me feeling a little better, that I can cope with these issues if I just remind myself that my husband's love is still there inside me. I can do this.

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KMB,

I am so sorry you're dealing with the furnace again.  I woke up to fresh snow again.  My son fixed my truck and then it blew a head gasket.  I wonder why we have to deal with this stuff on top of everything, it sometimes feels like the straw that broke the camel's back!  But it's not.  We'll get through all this stuff.  Our husbands had faith in us and we have to remember to look at ourselves through their eyes.  What was it that they saw in us?  Whatever it was, we can see it too, we just have to look hard enough.  I know, we feel like quitting sometimes, but that's not an option.  One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  We keep going.  We can do this.  And someday?  Someday we'll be together again and they'll tell us how proud they are of us.  The true reward will be just being able to hold each other again.

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54 minutes ago, KayC said:

 I wonder why we have to deal with this stuff on top of everything, it sometimes feels like the straw that broke the camel's back!  But it's not.  We'll get through all this stuff.  Our husbands had faith in us and we have to remember to look at ourselves through their eyes.  What was it that they saw in us?  Whatever it was, we can see it too, we just have to look hard enough. 

My husband often said one of the biggest reasons he was attracted and married me was because I was strong and self reliant.  I fully admit I don't feel that way, but I keep trying so I can be who he saw me as. 

And yes, all the crud that keeps going wrong feels like a mountain some days.

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KayC and Emeliza---It brings me much comfort when I am on this site and something someone says gives me pause to reflect even more fully what my mind is telling me but that my pain overrides. What attracted my husband to me, like Emeliza, strength and self reliance. The get it done attitude, work ethics. My sense of humor and fairness, compassion. My youthful spirit.

A lot of me is gone or not fully there. She left with her husband. I know my sense of humor is not fully there. I can laugh and make the appropriate, expected responses with others, but it is a facade, just to get me through the interaction without having to explain or explode into tears. My youthful spirit---gone. The loss of my beloved husband has aged me, both physically and mentally. What is going to replace who I once was, I don't know. My years with my husband were the best years of my life. but I will dig deep for whatever strength I have left in me, my self reliance, to somehow keep trudging through these long, lonely days and nights. I still have my sense of fairness and compassion. My loss has enhanced those qualities.My get it done attitude, work ethics, temporarily suspended? I lack motivation and mental energy to not tackle too much unless it is out of necessity. All I can do is keep trying.

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I feel so defeated and overwhelmed. I have been dealing with my husband's business and estate. Went to the bank today only to learn that everything is in such a financial and legal mess ( too much to explain right now). I have no idea how I am going to work things out. I may even have to face some legal consequences. I just feel so lost and alone. I wish I wasn't here. I know my husband would never deliberately leave me in such a mess, it's just that he didn't put things in place and probably always felt he had time. Never would he or anyone who knew him believe that he would die at 47 with a sudden heart attack especially since he had no health issues. Right now I'm so afraid and alone. Don't know what to do. It's all just too much for me to handle. I'm so tired. I can't even pray right now. 

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KMB

I totally relate to what you're experiencing.  My life was my husband - we married young and stayed together for nearly 45 years .  We were so happy and he often said what a loving marriage we had, how happy he was  and how he looked forward to spending our retirement years together.  We had so many plans.   He made me so happy and always knew how to make me laugh.  They say laughter is good for the soul - well, my soul was overflowing.  

After my husband's death, what use to matter no longer did.   I'd taken on that "I Don't Care about anything role".  Didn't care about eating,sleeping, others, life in general.  I thought God had abandon me, - but I found out -  he hadn't.   I felt like nothing mattered - found out that it did; and that life was not worth living - it is.   Life is a precious  gift given by God for us to live to its fullest.   Often in times of loss people of faith have to "Believe against the Grain".  In our weakness God reveals his strength and we can do more than we thought possible. 

Believing against the Grain means having a survivalist attitude  - and believe you me - you have it.  It is so evident in your post - you have it.  You have more strength than you realize.   So you take the plunge inside of your spirit for that strength -  it is there. Know that things don't just happen; they happen the way they should, at the time they should, to the people they should.  Our job is to know we are equipped with God-given inner strength to handle it.  Not only can you handle it, you will soar. 

God Bless and give you that inner peace that only HE can.  

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Nads, I'm sorry. I know how it is. I go back and forth so much I don't know if I am coming or going. I have had many challenges and my emotions are like a game of ping pong. I try to use common sense and logic but the emotions of pain and emptiness and aloneness can and do override. If I manage one thing of necessity outside of basic functioning, I consider it a blessing. Some days I can get done multiple things. I'm all over the board. I know my husband is ok and in good hands in Heaven but I am a mess.

I am actually bummed and ticked off right now. The furnace repair guy was going to show up today. I was promised this Friday evening. It is almost dark and I have a feeling it is too late for someone to show up and no phone call from them. If I had known for sure that no one was able to make it out, I could have driven the 30 miles to the next town for some groceries. Snow storm coming in tomorrow afternoon into the next day. Just under a foot of snow predicted and I know it will be a few days before I can get plowed out. If only my husband was still here----so many times over these months have I said that.

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Francine, Thank you. In reality, what I feel and say at one moment can come crashing down in the next. I keep trying to inspire myself, sometimes it works and then again it doesn't. Everything is more down than up, but I keep trying.

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KMB...I'm so sorry that you're now faced with all those things that your husband used to do. I too find myself wishing my darling was here so I wouldn't have to deal with all this. He was so good at what he did. I feel that it is all just too much for me. I can relate to you being bummed about the furnace guy. Gosh I hate when you waste an entire day waiting for some service personnel and then no calls or no one shows up. Once I waited till 11pm for a delivery that was supposed to be delivered in the morning. I do hope though that you have enough supplies to rally you through the storm and hope that the furnace guy shows up soon. I really wish I can get some sleep tonight but I know that's wishful thinking because I know I will spend my night worrying about how to deal with my situation. It feels like everyday it's something new I have to deal with. I need a rest from it all. 

I pray for you to be strong. Just know you are not alone. You have a lifeline here and you can reach out at anytime...God bless. 

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KMB---I am so sorry for your furnace issues.  I hate stuff like that.  You have heat though right?

Prayers and good thoughts for your storm tomorrow.  Hoping it isn't much of one.

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I'm ok, I have heat. The furnace has a mind of its own, To top it off, it is only 7 years old but some part needs to be replaced. The furnace will turn on and then just quit. It is intermittent and takes some time, swear words and praying to get it going again. I thought the issue was fixed last month but the furnace has other ideas I guess. Missing my husband just seems to make everything more overwhelming.  Doesn't everybody just wish we could all escape reality for a bit and when we return our partners are here and life is back to normal?

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Glad you have heat. You sure said it right...wouldn't it be wonderful to get away from it all only to return to be with our darlings!!

Hope you get through the strom. 

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56 minutes ago, KMB said:

Doesn't everybody just wish we could all escape reality for a bit and when we return our partners are here and life is back to normal?

Yes. Every second of every day. I find my mind wandering off and thinking to myself "I sure can't wait until life goes back to normal".  Then I realize that normal is dead. Normal is gone forever. It makes me feel so hopeless. 

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I'm feeling hopeless right now, it has not been a decent day.  No day is decent anymore. The one friend who stays in constant contact called a bit ago and let me vent about the day. Tried to bolster my spirit by saying that life will get better. Tells me that I will be happy again one day. I don't see it that way since my life with my husband made me happy. I give this friend credit and respect for hanging in there with me. They still have their spouse so the true understanding is not there but they try. This couple's lifestyle is different. They live separate lives for the most part and my friend admitted if something happened to their spouse, the grieving probably would not be as intense as mine because they hardly spend any time together. That saddens me. But it is their life.

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KMB Sorry to read about your distress right now.  I hope you awake/have awoken in a more peaceful state.  I do agree the hopelessness is so debilitating.  Take care today.

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

A lot of me is gone or not fully there. She left with her husband. I know my sense of humor is not fully there.

Your sense of humor will return, it is part of your personality, it's just overshadowed but all you are going through right now.

My husband saw me as someone who could do anything, smart, etc.  I don't always see myself that way, I think he had me on an overrated pedestal, but it helps to look at myself through his eyes, and try to be it.

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17 hours ago, Nads said:

I'm so tired. I can't even pray right now. 

That's common grief response.  Just sit, and like Emeliza said, breathe.  It'll be okay, even if uncomfortable in the upcoming months, it'll all sort out eventually.

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