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Watching my dad die, killed me


Onesadaughter

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Onesadaughter

I recently had to make the decision to take my dad off of the ventilator. He passed four hours later while I held his hand. I feel like a murderer. I feel quilty and helpless. I prayed everyday for a miracle, but got none. I was mad at God for taking my dad instead of saving him. Or maybe I should have left him on the machine despite what the doctors said. I said I would never pray again but I know it isnt Gods fault. I prayed for comfort tonight and signed up for this support group. I dont think I'll ever feel happiness again. One minute I'm laughing and then I taste salty tears in my mouth. I can't sleep and I cry every night. Something inside of me died that day, and I'm afraid that I will never be the same. He was getting better and the doctors say he had an incident but can give us no answers besides the fact that they have to investigate. I hate them and that scares me because I never use those words. I don't even know how my dad died. I am mad and bitter. Please tell me these feelings will pass. Pray for me please.

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Dear Onesadaugther,

I'm so sorry. My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your cherished father. All your feelings and tears are part of grief. I think a grief support group, or counselling will help you through these raw emotions. You loved your dad and you didn't want him to suffer. You did the best you could with the information you had. It was not an easy decision but you had to make it. Please try and be kind to yourself. Its only natural to cry and have sleepless nights. Life is unfair and I wish so badly I had better answers. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs through this difficult time.

 

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Onesadaughter

Dear Reader,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will continue to pray for comfort and hope to find peace in all this pain. I really appreciate you and will keep you in my prayers as well.

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Hi. I recently went through the same thing. We thought my dad was improving, but suddenly he wasn't and the doctors suggested hospice. I thought it was the right decision at the time (and intellectually still do), but have struggled with it since. I didn't want my dad to suffer anymore, but afterwards the what-ifs start. We had him moved to hospice and I could tell that his breathing was getting worse. My first thought was: are they going to come in and administer CPR? I knew that they weren't because he was in hospice, but I think as human beings our instincts are to preserve life. Although I have struggled with the decision, I know that it is part of the grieving process to feel that guilt. I know that my dad was an active, thinking and prideful man and would not have wanted to only survive on life support. I think it's natural for us to feel this way, though. I just wanted to let you know that I am going through the same thing. 

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Onesadaughter

Dear Susan122

First let me say that I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I would also like to thank you for sharing with me. I am getting into a better head space, slowly but surely. I do always think about how prideful my dad was even after suffering from a slight paralysis after his first stroke. He was really mentally struggling with his limitations but pushed forward anyway. I know he wouldn't have wanted any less quality of life. Im just struggling with the way it happened and how fast it happened. Im really learning to take it one day at a time, and just learning to accept whatever emotions I feel on a daily basis. I really appreciate your words. I'm sorry you had to make such a hard decision too. Sending my prayers.

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