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willowgirl

Loss my husband to cancer it's my fault it was so soon

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Kayc I did read the articles you sent and they were very helpful.  I know it has been awhile since I have posted but sometimes I don't know where else to go. Things are getting worse at home. Starting sleeping in my bedroom again because me and my oldest son got in a disagreement about him supporting me. Now he is telling me to start back sleeping in his room again because he is lonely. I did last night. And probably will tonight. Him and my youngest son (the one that moved in a couple of months ago) got into a major disagreementand last night. It was pretty bad.  Don't know what will happen tonight.And I'm in the middle.

I am starting to feel worse. The doctor put me on one medication and it gave me nightmares. Now I'm taking olanzapine(zyprexa). Only on the third day at the lowest doze.I think it maybe affecting my mood but I am so tired of everything I don't even care. And I feel like that is a good thing. I like the feeling that I don't care about anything but it scares me at the same time.Does any of this make sense?My question is does anyone know anything about this medication? I'm not going to take it tonight and see what happens. Or am I at the point of wanting to give up completely? 

 

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KMB   

willowgirl, It sounds like you could use some R and R time. Take a couple days for yourself and go somewhere. Out of town , a motel or cabin. Just anywhere that you can just spend time collecting your thoughts and thinking only of yourself. Getting away from the drama of home can be beneficial with your thought process and perceiving issues a different way. Good luck and God Bless!

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KayC   

I wouldn't go off the medication without consulting your doctor first.  Anything like that you really need to abide by what the doctor says.  Some of them it's harmful to quit abruptly, even if only on it a short while.  Also, some of these medications can take up to a month to get the full effect.  You can also get side affects while your body is adjusting to it, some of them go away when you're used to it.  I am unfamiliar with this particular one but you might try googling it.  If you have any questions, do ask your doctor or his nurse.

I'm sorry you are going through so much with your sons and hope it calms down soon.  Are you all in family grief counseling?  I'm sure the grief is affecting them as well.

It's been a while since you posted so forgive my bad memory if you've already said, but I hope you have some supportive family or friends around to help you.  

As Darrel says, "one foot in front of the other", giving up isn't an option!  To do so would be to remove all hope of any kind of future.  Your future is changed, that you realize, but it can still have some good in it...hold out for that.

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KayC   

If I'd given up, I never would have known this little girl, she is my granddaughter, almost two now.

Ceci 050317.jpg

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HHFaith   
10 hours ago, KayC said:

If I'd given up, I never would have known this little girl, she is my granddaughter, almost two now.

Ceci 050317.jpg

Such a cutie pie!  My little girl is 19 now but this picture brings me right back. That was my favorite age!  I am so grateful for her and the comfort she has provided me through this time. Pat was not her father but they had a great connection. She really liked him and he got such a kick out of her sense of humor, which made her like him even more. I'm not only grateful for having had Pat in my life, but grateful my daughter got to know him and witness the wonderful loving relationship we had. I am very sad and missing him this morning but there is much to be grateful for. 

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KayC   

I just wish I could see her every day, but due to distance and weather/road conditions, I only get to see her about once a month.  But still, I'm glad I'm around to be in her life as she grows, and now she has a baby brother I get to know too!

Even if one doesn't have kids, grandkids, there are the pets, friends, other things to live for.  My dog puts a smile on my face each and every day, he has the most beautiful infectious smile and tail wag!

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KMB   

KayC, Your granddaughter is beautiful! I bet she has grandma wrapped around her finger and knows, as children do, how to get you to smile and laugh.

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Willowgirl I so understand how you are feeling.   My husband started to get sick 4 years before he died.  They said they thought he had had a mild stroke.  Only 'thought.  But he never got better like other people do.  He just kept getting worse.  Then a year before he died he was diagnosed with vascular dementia.   Finally he couldn't swallow and I took him back to see the doctor who arranged an urgently referral to a specialist.  I decided not to wait so as soon as we got home I called an ambulance.  Two days later we were told he had four brain tumours.  I had treated him for a whole year as if he had dementia and he didn't have.  I will never forgive myself.  I wrote this poem as sometimes it helps to know you are not the only one. https://hubpages.com/health/GRIEF-DEPRESSION

 

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KayC   

christine b,

Welcome here, I see this is your first post. I am sorry for your loss.  You are not the one needing forgiven, he was diagnosed, and it's not at all your fault they thought it was dementia rather than brain tumors.  My heart goes out to you.

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Willow Girl,

Please don't blame yourself. Keep reminding yourself that you did the best that you could during  a very stressful and terrible time. My situation was somewhat similar to yours. My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 21, 2016. He passed away 8 weeks later and like your husband, he also had chemo and radiation because the cancer was everywhere, including his brain.  When he was initially diagnosed, I also put him on a strict diet (no sugar, carbs, etc.) which he absolutely hated.  In addition, because of the radiation and cancer in his brain, he was not always himself, and he frequently became hostile towards me. Because of that and because of the horror of it all, I felt like I disassociated myself  and frequently shut him out, because it was just too difficult, at times to comprehend. What I can tell you that might help is that even though it was in his brain, he was still able at times to become lucid and the morning of the day he passed, he had a conversation with me which I will always cherish. I was able to tell him how sorry I was and that had I known that the cancer was so aggressive, I would have let him eat nothing but his favorite food, smoke, drink dr. pepper, etc. And his reply to me was, "Nobody knew how aggressive it really was and I know that you were only trying to help." So Willow, please know that our loved ones knew (and I believe still do) how much we love them and also knew that we did the best we could.

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  zezuspetals I have not been on the post for a long time but what you said is the same thing I did to my husband and I think about you a lot  . it has been 9 months and now I realize what people say that now you know he is gone and not coming back.It is real all over again. I don't know how to deal with it. II was wondering how you are doing. hope you are doing ok

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KayC   

willowgirl, zuzuspetals hasn't checked in since May 14th, maybe in time...

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