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Loss my husband to cancer it's my fault it was so soon


willowgirl

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On 25/01/2017 at 1:20 PM, Zara19 said:

 

Thank you KMB, I had just previously been reading some of your old posts on a previous page where you had been in a fair bit of distress.  I hope today has been a reasonable day for you.  This is the worst pain our mind and souls can endure isn't it.  Yes, I too wonder why I haven't passed of a broken heart because it hurts enough to have broken.  Your posting brings some comfort.  My Husband had a massive h/attack last year that then culminated in Congestive Heart Failure and a sudden arrest.  I have just realised my Husband fainted about 18 months ago and he went to hospital in an ambulance and he had a spike in his ECG.  The hospital said it had settled but now it looks like this could have been the start of things - and it was overlooked so my mind is now racing with yet more doubts, as if there wasn't enough in my mind already.  Something about branch block in medical terms.  If I cannot get a grip on all this I'm sure I will end up hospitalised in a psychiatric hospital.  I really didn't mean to let go of all this here and now but I'm just so consumed with doubts, what if's etc.  So sorry for rambling on KMB.  My warmest regards to you, hope you have a peaceful night.

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Zara19---It's OK. What we are enduring is so damn complicated and painful. My husband and I were both realists with his health. He knew he was going to leave this life sooner than what we wanted. By all accounts, I expected at least another 2 or 3 years. There is no fixing congestive heart failure. Pace makers and defibs have no effect. When the heart wants to quit, it does. We've experienced loss of a couple of friends to the same condition before I lost my husband. Diabetes did not make it easier.

I spent part of my day double checking all the tax info. I take it all to the CPA tomorrow afternoon. Crying while doing it. This will be the last time to file jointly. For 18 years out of 25 filing jointly. My heart is so broken. Where did all the years go? Why did they go so quickly and why does it feel each day goes so slowly now?

I do try to stay positive but these last things shouldn't even be. I hate this. The *lasts* and the *firsts*----seems so ironic.

I'm sorry you are having the doubts and what ifs. I beat myself up over that so many times. It is unproductive, makes yourself even more miserable. It is, what it is and nothing can change it. I don't need to end up in a hospital either. No one to take care of the pets. I've worked hard getting a more realistic perspective on my loss. it's taken a toll on me. I look in the mirror in the morning. More wrinkles and dark bags under my eyes. No light of life in my eyes. It will take a long time for this to get easier to bear.

Good thing we have this forum and each other.

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Zara19,

I've read your posts and like everyone else here, I wish I could make things better. People on here have addressed some many of your concerns far better or eloquently than I could, and they are such a blessing. 

One of things I would like to comment on is the "guilt" you spoke of, and how powerful it is. As most people here have done, I've punished (and still do on occasion) myself for things that I imagined I could've done or things I should've done. We are looking at all of this through the lens of a future, a future we never imagined, but one that allows, or maybe forces us, to scrutinize every decision, every word, every choice, and how we should've turned right but instead turned left. In the midst of our lives, we grow accustomed to daily living, be it at home in a "normal" setting, or taking care of an ill loved one, or even in a war torn part of the world. We adapt. We made extraordinary circumstances livable by normalizing them. We still get stressed, we still have emotional needs and psychological ramifications, but we make things as livable as possible. We get angry, we grieve over the loss of certain aspects of our lives, be it parts of our marriage, our careers, the goings on of our children, we suffer sadness, resentment, regret. Because we are human. We're flawed, we take for granted things we should not, but it's the LOVE and the devotion and sacrifice that makes our humanity so wonderous, because it's all in spite of our flaws that we preserver, that we carry on. We are NOT perfect, we will never be perfect, all we can do is the best we can given what we have. That's it. In the end, you loved him. He loved you. That's the defining aspect of the life you had together. Only you know the depth in which you love him, only you know how special you two are. NOTHING can take that away, NOTHING will EVER change that. I had a hard time with guilt at first because I didn't want to "let myself off the hook". I thought I needed to be responsible because I was arrogant enough to believe I had the power to save my wife. I didn't. It hurts me to say that. But it's true. So by letting my guilt go, I'm admitting that I had no power. And that, for me, is a hard thing to live with. 

So, my thoughts are this. You love him dearly. You cherished who he was, what he means to you. You were and are angry at the entire circumstance surrounding this horrible business. And that's ok. See it, face it, own it, but put it in its place. It belongs with all our other human failings, jealousy, envy, revenge, hate, all our human insecurities. Your love was a triumph over all that. Let IT be the guiding principle that allows you to find your way. 

We're only human, but oh, so much more. 

May you find peace, may you find hope, my love, 

Andy 

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Everyone, 

I'd like to address anyone suffering from guilt or self doubt with my (above) previous post. I know we all are dealing with it, have dealt with or may be trying to help someone else. KayC, KMB, Willowgirl, Sadaf, Fzald, and all of my fellow travelers here, maybe this will help, maybe not, but it's sort of a realization I've come to about myself. I'm not saying it's the same for everyone, heck I might be the only one with this going on, but I just want to help. 

Andy

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Andy,

thank you for your comforting words. I've wrote about it on my thread, but I did learn that my girlfriends condition was likely going to be fatal to her at a young age anyway. Would I have given and still would give anything even for a little more time? Absolutely. But I also have had to come face to face with the fact that there may have been nothing that could have been done for her, regardless. Of course I still live with the shock of her sudden death, how she was so alive and then wasn't. But I have tried to make myself face the futility, that this May have just her fate regardless of what happened.

It means I feel powerless. I feel like I don't have the ability to make the world better like I thought I did. But you're right, one thing i did have the ability to do is love her. To cherish our time. To be there for her in her darkest hours, and bring happiness to the short life she did have. I try to hold that thought close to me, as I continue to travel, so slowly, through this absolutely agonizing journey.

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11 minutes ago, fzald said:

Andy,

thank you for your comforting words. I've wrote about it on my thread, but I did learn that my girlfriends condition was likely going to be fatal to her at a young age anyway. Would I have given and still would give anything even for a little more time? Absolutely. But I also have had to come face to face with the fact that there may have been nothing that could have been done for her, regardless. Of course I still live with the shock of her sudden death, how she was so alive and then wasn't. But I have tried to make myself face the futility, that this May have just her fate regardless of what happened.

It means I feel powerless. I feel like I don't have the ability to make the world better like I thought I did. But you're right, one thing i did have the ability to do is love her. To cherish our time. To be there for her in her darkest hours, and bring happiness to the short life she did have. I try to hold that thought close to me, as I continue to travel, so slowly, through this absolutely agonizing journey.

Powerless is the feeling. Helpless, useless, inconsequential, like I didn't matter. I know that isn't the case, but I do feel that way. Especially right this minute. I feel utterly miserable and borderline hopeless. I'm lying in our bed, can't stop crying. Don't know if this is residue from yesterday (Valentine's) or just the new "normal". I feel like I have no purpose. Yes, I have our daughter. Beyond being dad, I have no compelling reason for getting up, going to work, cleaning, sleeping, doing it all over again. No one waits for me at home, no one cares to hear about my day. No will be there when I get sick or when I'm old and need a hand. I have no one to make plans with. She's gone. My baby is gone and I'm so tired and lost and I'm hitting a wall. 

Sorry, I didn't mean to high jack this thread. Fzald, I'm so glad you found comfort from my personal epiphany, it's good to know I'm doing someone some good. 

Find peace my friend,

Andy 

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Andy,

I do know how you feel. I can't remember where I saw it but somewhere I read that the fact that we hurt so bad, that we feel such a strong absence, is a testament to how deep the love and connection we shared goes. It's not a comfort, but it can at least affirm your love. We loved them so deeply, so immensely, so completely that of course it's going to hurt when they're gone. We feel the loss because the person was such a big part of our lives even if we didn't notice it at the time.

for me, I notice that I miss just having that confidant , that one person I could tell anything to. That person who genuinely wanted to hear everything on my mind. Who would even solicit conversation from me if I was a little quiet. Sometimes at work I would go to another room to do something, and if I was away longer than typical she would text me asking if I was OK. If I was acting angry, she'd ask me first if we needed to talk, and when I would tell her it's not her I'm upset with, she'd ask me to tell her exactly why I'm angry, she would listen attentively, and then her amazing perceptiveness always found the right words to make me feel better. Even if I was upset at her, she wanted to know what she, and we, could do to fix it. 

It felt somewhat insignificant at the time but now it just screams inside me. She cared so much for me. She loved me so much. She checked on me not even because she thought I might be hurt or whatever, but because she valued our connection. She wanted to be in my life, and I gladly welcomed her any time.

I miss just having that person who not only cares about every aspect of my life but also had shared so much of it that we had a deep connection and could all but read each other's mind. 

I will never again meet someone who I can share that much of my life with, who knows me that intimately. Who I share so much history with that we can read minds practically. Who I can never get sick of being around, and in fact enjoy so much that I enjoyed seeing her all day and all night too.

God. I miss her.

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Fzald, 

I'm certain also that this singular love that I had with my Tracie, this level of devotion and trust, comfort and oneness we shared will never be replicated again. Not for me. We were together too long, we shared so much, our daughter, my wife's sufferings, the bond we had, all of it. I'd be an absolute fool to think or even imagine that I could find that again. Or even want to. 

Like you my friend, I miss her and I just want her to come back home. 

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Andy,  i know where you are, same place as I. I take care of our pets, take care of my own basics of this body. There is supposed to be a purpose for us yet, maybe we'll find it over time.

Powerless. You mention the arrogance you felt that you could have saved your wife. I thought I could have saved my husband. Truth be told, as flawed humans, we did not have that higher power. It is our very own egos that are in the way of being able to function and process our grieving in a more positive way. The words that you mention in your above post, jealousy, envy, insecurities, hate----they are all negative emotions. We should be going through our grieving journey with more love. Those special people we lost---they are in a place of pure love and peace. There are no negative emotions there, our souls do not have an ego. Our ego resides in our minds. They love us even more than we can imagine. We gave them love and care while they were here. We gave their life purpose and meaning. They want us to keep going on with love. They are with us, guiding us. We have to keep going every day honoring their love.

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I find myself asking over and over - why? Not so much "why did she have to die" but more "why is the world such that it is possible to feel such horrible, depressing, negative emotions?"

Why is it that we crave human companionship, that we work so hard to forge positive connections with others, when those connections can be so quickly and suddenly ripped away from us? Why is it that we yearn so desperately for something that can never be when someone does pass? Why is it that our minds just cannot accept the realities we're placed in? It basically is a fact that grief is something that anyone who spends a decent amount of time in this world will experience. Even in her short 22 years, my girlfriend lost her grandmother and an aunt. She feared losing her parents, and her other grandmother. She knew the feelings of grief and loss.

Consider the fact that, unless you are "lucky" enough to die together in some kind of accident, pretty much every long-term couple that doesn't break up will eventually be broken up by death, and one of the two people will have to grieve the loss. For some people, they're lucky to have decades of time together prior to that happening, for others like me, I barely got half a decade, and my girl barely got over two decades total for her whole life. 

This brings me to one of nature's horrible truths: that everything has a price. We give ourselves completely to the one we love. We get so many happy and positive feelings in return. But eventually, and for some of us sadly way too soon, we must then pay the price by suffering through grief. It doesn't seem fair...  But that also means I have a hard time with the idea that the afterlife is all happy, love, positive. Isn't it just as possible that the afterlife has the same idea of paying the price for the goodness? Maybe we don't have to pay the price by losing loved ones in the afterlife, but maybe it's not always happy. Maybe there are still relationship issues. Maybe spirits still fight. I dunno...

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28 minutes ago, fzald said:

I find myself asking over and over - why? Not so much "why did she have to die" but more "why is the world such that it is possible to feel such horrible, depressing, negative emotions?"

Why is it that we crave human companionship, that we work so hard to forge positive connections with others, when those connections can be so quickly and suddenly ripped away from us? Why is it that we yearn so desperately for something that can never be? Why is it that our minds just cannot accept the realities we're placed in? It basically is a fact that grief is something that anyone who spends a decent amount of time in this world will experience. Even in her short 22 years, my girlfriend lost her grandmother and an aunt. She feared losing her parents, and her other grandmother. She knew the feelings of grief and loss.

Consider the fact that, unless you are "lucky" enough to die together in some kind of accident, pretty much every long-term couple that doesn't break up will eventually be broken up by death, and one of the two people will have to grieve the loss. For some people, they're lucky to have decades of time together prior to that happening, for others like me, I barely got half a decade, and my girl barely got over two decades total for her whole life. 

This brings me to one of nature's horrible truths: that everything has a price. We give ourselves completely to the one we love. We get so many happy and positive feelings in return. But eventually, and for some of us sadly way too soon, we must then pay the price by suffering through grief. It doesn't seem fair...  But that also means I have a hard time with the idea that the afterlife is all happy, love, positive. Isn't it just as possible that the afterlife has the same idea of paying the price for the goodness? Maybe we don't have to pay the price by losing loved ones in the afterlife, but maybe it's not always happy. Maybe there are still relationship issues. Maybe spirits still fight. I dunno...

Interesting thoughts on the afterlife. I tend to lean in the direction that the "beyond" is composed of a higher truth. I don't even really think in terms of I'll SEE my wife again, I think of it as I'll "experience" her again. I believe that our souls transcend to a higher awareness, closer to the divine, and therefore the negative, human nature of our earthy selves get "left behind". I would think that those that have gone before remember the bad things, they are aware of our grief and sadness, and perhaps are even "moved" by it. However, the purity in which they exist, the revelation of all things made known to them, time itself being nonexistent, I think this state is simply not capable of human frailties. Angels get angry (I'm not getting religious, I'm kind of using my beliefs to illustrate my point, so please forgive me if I offend anyone), angels have even fallen from grace and have rebelled against God, so it is possible for negative energy to exist in the beyond, BUT, we aren't angels. Ours is a different existence, and I think that even though our loved ones know our pain, understand the grief we experience, THEY do not SUFFER. Feel? Yes. Pity or empathize? Yes. But do I think they're in agony or despair? No, I don't. Anyway, my sincere apologies if I've offended anyone, my intent was to illustrate my ideas on things. It evolves from time to time, but at its core, I believe that they are in a superior place existing in a greater reality. Heaven, paradise, whatever your persuasion may have you call it, is where absolute love resides, and our loved ones are within that love. 

Peace and strength my friend,

Andy

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Andy, thanks for your perspective. Not offended at all. 

None of us truly know what's going to happen in the afterlife. It's a tiny comfort to think that maybe it's not possible to "suffer" but it is possible to "empathize". For me, the opposite is happening - I am feeling grief for my girl's losses as well as my own. I suffer and cry and weep because she lost everything she wanted in this life. That's one thing I meant, that I can't imagine she would be "OK" with how things turned out if she has any of her spirit and soul with her. She would be upset, feeling despair for the lost life she wanted here. She would feel horrible that I am suffering so much and would feel worse that she could do nothing to ease my suffering at this point.

In the end, I know that I must now live an entire lifetime, maybe long maybe short, without her by my side. It's been only about four weeks since I saw her, alive, happy, excited. Four weeks before that was Christmas. The time between Christmas and that last time I saw her feels like a tiny, tiny fractional sliver of the time between then and now. It feels like I've lived a thousand lives alone, each day may as well be an entire year of suffering. 

I'm humbled that we as humans are even capable of this much anguish...

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I understand. It's nearly irreconcilable trying to make sense of this, to put any positive connotations within this misery. 

I think that your beloved is now aware of the higher meaning of things. Absolutely she wasn't done, she had a life she was ready to live. Now though, I believe she sees this tapestry of reality in ways we simply can't, because we're still in the tapestry. She's had the revelation of the "truth", she knows the thing we long for, the why, the reason. So it makes sense for her now. She has ultimate truth. I think that's why they really are at peace. My wife certainly wasn't done being a mom. She wanted to one day see her daughter married, to hold a grandchild, to grow old with me. I'm left with that. I'm here crying on her behalf, but she sees what I cannot. She understands this most complex "picture", and has true peace. 

Hang in there the best you can. 

Part of a poem I like, by Mary Elizabeth Frye, put to song by Leah

"Gentle birds in circling flight I am the soft star that shines at night

Oh do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there, I did not die..."
 

Andy

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KMB

You are spot on in her thread! There is a reason why we are still here and we will know it someday - unfortunately, not Today.  God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers.  

 

Zara

19 hours ago, Zara19 said:

Do you feel you are grieving for two people as well, for our own loss and for what our loved ones have lost, the experiences and opportunities they won't have.

I don't think I do. For myself, yes, but I believe when you're in the spirit realm, you don't grieve, you rejoice along with the angels.  And for what they have lost, I don't think they lost; I think they won - won everlasting life.  Just think about it - its got be be amazing.

Keep strong and know we are all here for you.   God Bless and keep you safe.  

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HELLO KMB and ANDY

Thankyou so so much for your recent replies.  KMB I know you have experienced similar as your Husband had heart problems and Andy your reply as well is written from the heart.  I appreciate both of them very much.  It's not easy to accept that's all we can do - accept, and that causes such a lot of this debilitating pain.  Hope you are getting through today as well as can be expected.  Kindest regards.

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21 hours ago, Zara19 said:

Thank you Francine for your wise words, I have heard that biblical passage many times.

Do you feel you are grieving for two people as well, for our own loss and for what our loved ones have lost, the experiences and opportunities they won't have.

Thanks again for your wishes, sending you the same.

 

Zara19,

First, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your Dennis sounds like a wonderful person, and the love you will always share is a reflection of how special both he and you truly are.  I am worried about you, I feel you are an amazing person and want you to be able to discover that part of yourself again.  I had severe depression and suicidal thoughts many years ago, and for reasons much less life affecting than what we are facing now.  If my mind were now in the place it was then, I don't know how well I would do with it.  I hope you find a way through it, and that you find professional counselling that you trust and accept to help you find that path.

I do know what you mean by grieving for two people.  I think frequently about the things she didn't get to do that I know she wanted to see.  Future events for our children that she won't be there for.  When our daughters get married, she won't be there to help with the dress, which she would have loved.  It hurts to think what she will miss.  It hurts to think how our daughters, as they start off becoming adults, will not have her there with them for the special moments, both good and bad.

When I get down that path too far, I think of how difficult things would be for her if our roles had been reversed.  She had some serious medical problems, and had gotten to the point where she couldn't make it to the doctors on her own.  She leaned on me for a lot of support, financially, physically, and emotionally.  If she had to go through this grief with her medical issues and without my support, it would be terrible for her.  As a result, while I know that grieving for two you are describing, I find some consolation in being able to do this one last thing to support her.  To be the one that will struggle through these difficulties and save her from this pain that we are all feeling.

I believe if she could, Christine would be hugging me right now.  She would be quietly telling me how much I had helped her already, and would thank me for doing this one last thing to keep her from suffering.  She had enough of that in her life before.  She would also want to be the one to keep me from going through this pain, she was that giving, even with all the challenges she faced.  As a result, I have to try to find some happy moments as well, both for myself, and because it is what she would want.  I don't know for certain, but I would bet that many of those we've lost would feel the same.

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Hello Herc.

Thank you very much for your kind comments.  It was good of you to take the time to compose a reply.  I am sorry to read about your very sad loss and the resulting trauma and distress you are experiencing.  It's a very recent loss isn't it and yet you are finding the strength to try to help others on here as well.  I hope someone is taking care of you as you go through these early times.  Some people prefer company of others whilst others like solitude.  Kindest regards to you and your daughters.

 

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KMB,

Good luck on your taxes...for the first year after they die you're supposed to be able to claim them.  It's kind of hard answering questions on forms, etc., it takes some getting used to.

I hope your weather is better.  It's extremely windy here today and the rain has set in but more snow coming.  Can't wait for Spring to come!

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Hi KayC---I'm OK after the tax appointment. Emotional, but I knew it would be. Being 1/2 owner of the business actually benefited me. Have been going to the same CPA for many years. He remembers meeting my husband for the first time way back. He said my husband was full of piss and vinegar, very active back then. I like those memories.

How is your grief support group going?:

Warmer temps here, feels like spring. Rain for Mon./Tues. --That should melt a lot of the snow.

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We met again on Wednesday, it went well, they seem helped by it, that's the whole point of it.  It's so different than being here.

Getting more snow in and now my chimney needs cleaned, it hasn't been a year, getting a lot of build up this year, maybe because I've gone through twice as much wood.

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KayC---I'm sure the people coming to your support group are grateful for the outlet and benefits their coping skills. It has to be different for you in managing and leading them face to face compared to posting on here. I suggested this forum to a teller at my local bank earlier this week. She lost her dad and her mom isn't coping well. She has no one to talk to and doesn't want to burden her daughters.

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I gave them this website address but they'll all pretty up in years, married over 50 years, although each one is responding differently.  One seems unaffected, which I find odd, but I kind of wonder since she's a Christian she doesn't think it's godly to grieve, maybe isn't letting herself.  Our topic this week is "what do you miss the most" and she said "his doing the taxes". I found that a peculiar response but I guess we really are all different, are marriages are different and so is our grief.  You can hire anyone to do the taxes, but I can't hire someone to hold me or talk over my day with me.

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So right, KayC. People, relationships, marriages are different. What I have been discovering is that the elderly, 70's, 80's. the grieving is still hard, but they see themselves as not having to wait too long to be reunited.

I've got years ahead of me yet. I'll figure out some way to fill those years.

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I have noticed that it does seem a little easier for older people when their partner passes. I have known people in their 80s or even 90s who have lost their spouse and, while they are sad, they seem to be able to just cope. Maybe they see it as more natural at that age, maybe the length of time they had together means they feel they experienced a complete happy relationship and life together. Maybe it's true that they feel they don't have long to wait. I dunno.

But for those of us who are younger, and especially when we lose someone young, we must endure potentially years of being without them. I think that realization makes it a little harder for those of us who are younger. Like I've also said before we also grieve the loss of so many things that could have or should have been. A person who had 50+ years of marriage and is in their 80s may just feel they have lived a full life and are content with passing or waiting to follow their partner....

 

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You're both probably right. I was 52 when George died, I figured I had another forty years to go because my family lives well into their 90s.  That's a helluva long wait!  I guess in the grand scheme of things it's a drop in the bucket when you think about eternity, that thought consoles me somewhat.  We're an instant gratification society, particularly the younger we are, the ones of the older generation are more accustomed to patience I think.  I am concerned for our younger generation with some of the changes I'm seeing due to the use of cell phones, tweeting, etc...it's like no one stops and thinks or waits anymore, not even our president. :(

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Maybe older people just have more experience with loss.  I lost my Grandmother when I was 12.  That one was confusing.  I don't know if it was the distance in our relationship, the resiliancy of youth, or an incredible amount of denial, but that loss didn't immediately emotionally affect me, there were tears, but nothing I would call true grief.  I tend to think it was denial, because to this day I don't have many memories of that time and the memories I do have aren't vivid in any way.

I lost my Grandfather when I was 22.  Due to my parents divorce, he was like my father.  He was the guy that took me fishing, played ball with me, and taught me to shave, among many other things.

That loss brought pure unadulterated rage.  I was angry with God, my family, myself, the whole world.  I went on a very self destructive path, which ended up landing me in some pretty serious trouble financially, legal, and with drugs.  To say that it wasn't a healthy way to grieve would be an understatement, but at least I was grieving, which was progress.  After about three years it got me to a point where I could fondly remember my Grandfather, and now there are nothing but smiles and good stories, not tears and anger.

I am a big time animal lover, and have had many of my pets pass.  All of those moments generated grief as well.  Short lived in comparison to the others, like lighting a match compared to the bonfire my Grandfather and Christine caused.  But even those moments gave me experiences that I use now.

I believe I am dealing with the loss of Christine in a much healthier way, thanks largely to these past experiences.  I allow the feelings of grief to take hold of me, and embrace them.  Then after the moments pass, evaluate and realize I can choose how I want to act based off those emotions.  I can allow them to change my life for the better, or I can try to reject them if they are harmful.  Of course the human mind is a tricky beast, so rejecting them doesn't always work.  But even when I can't get myself to fully move past them, it seems to be better preparing me for the next related moment of grief, so I'll take it.

My point is maybe older people are better with grief because they have more experiences to bring to bear.  Practice makes perfect, and while no one wants this kind of wisdom on this subject, here we are gathering it with one another for support.

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Herc, Your posting hits close to home here, many similarities. I don't know how I am going to get through this. How are we all going to come out on the other side of this in one piece?   My husband endured so many health challenges the last 10 years or so of his life. He had inner strength, stoicism, perseverance. But he also had me taking care of him. I'm trying to get by without him now. I thought we were always going to be there for each other for a longer time. I have to prove to myself and my husband that I have what it takes for this challenging, lonely existence. My reward in the end will be seeing his smiling face and sparkly blue eyes when he reaches his hand out to me and we go into eternity together.

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KMB

So sorry you are feeling particularly distressed today.  I understand how despairing you feel.  Take good care.

Tina

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KMB, I'm so sorry you're suffering so deeply right now.  As I've mentioned a few times, the dates hit me hard, so I empathize with the struggle of the 6 month mark.  Regarding finding our way through it in one piece, we may not be able to.  We have lost a huge part of ourselves, and we are trying to mend what may not be able to be fixed.

One of the last medical conditions I helped Christine through was an amputation of the toes on her left foot.  All of her health problems related back to juvenile on set diabetes, a horrible disease that among other things affects circulation in the extremities.  So she stepped on a plastic bottle cap, got a minor cut, which became infected.  Because of the kidney transplant she was on immunosuppressant drugs that prevented her body from fighting the infection.  It spread to the bone, and the only thing left to do to prevent the infection from spreading further was to amputate.

She was terrified.  This disease that had haunted her life since she was 16 was now taking a part of her body.  She showed many of the same signs of grieving that we all show now, anger, depression, and guilt for several months after the surgery.

She had a huge collection of shoes, that now she could never wear again.  She felt self conscious going to the pool, because she thought the neighborhood children would be disgusted at her half a foot.  Her self image was shattered, she felt ugly and deformed.  Then one day, while she was having some of the phantom pains in the amputated toes, she asked me to rub her "nubby".

That simple moment turned it for her.  She made something positive out of what had been horrible.  From then on she was proud of "nubby".  When we were on vacation at the beach, we would celebrate and drink shots in "nubbies" honor.  She would take the most ridiculous pictures of her foot on her keyboard at work, or petting the cat with it and send them to us with the title "Adventures of Nubby" just to brighten our day.

There will be no one moment for those of us going through our current loss.  The pain will come and go, unwanted, unexpected, and unforeseen.  But if she could turn a loss of a part of herself into joy, then maybe just maybe there is some hope for us after all.

 

P.S.  I had more than a few beers last night, so you weren't drinking alone, you just didn't know who you were drinking with.

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Herc,

your story is touching. She found a way to make some humor out of a bad situation. I am sure that is one thing you have been particularly missing - I know that my girl was the same way, she could figure out a way to turn any situation into a laugh, and it helped me when I was down. Now without her I find myself missing her uncanny ability to make me laugh and giggle no matter what was going on. 

 

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Herc, Next time I have a glass of wine, I'll have a sip for you and for whom ever else on this forum. My husband suffered from type 2 diabetes. I don't know if diabetes is hereditary but his mom died of cardiac arrest in her early 60's and she was diabetic. My husband took her loss hard. Just a few years into our relationship in the early 90's, medications became part of our life. Started out with high blood pressure and then the diabetes. He had his first toe amputation in 2006 due to an infection. Lost another toe in 2014 due to frostbite. Your wife had a lot of courage to make light of her situation. It beats being angry and resentful.

My husband took everything in stride also. My heart would cry for him during those years but I kept it all stuffed inside. Diabetes destroys the whole body and chronic high blood pressure does the same. My husband had quad bypass surgery in 2007 but his heart was already damaged. I'm thankful for the remaining years we had even though I thought we would have at least a couple more. I don't know how I have managed these 6 months. Seems like only yesterday we were enjoying what was to be his last day, and at the same time, it feels like an eternity. I lost my soulmate and the caregiver role I had that had slowly creeped in and I embraced it with love and adjusted to the changes.Our bond grew even closer. I have been dying on the inside with my pain of missing him. I am not the same person I was before. I took care of myself and liked who I was while my husband was here. Now, I'm afraid of becoming someone I don't recognize.

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KMB,

Its strange how time seems to lose all meaning, isn't it? The last time I actually spent real quality time with my girlfriend was just over 4 weeks ago. It feels like it was yesterday, and at the same time it feels like it was an eternity ago. Time seems to have slowed to an absolute crawl. But yet, the time when she was still here feels like only yesterday, like I should still be able to call or text her.

Sometimes I think about our own perception of time. When we are kids we yearn to be adults, time seems to drag on and on even when we're having fun as kids. As adults time seems to fly by too fast a lot of the time. When we aren't in distress we sometimes look at time and go "how did it go so fast?" Even in the midst of grief, like, it feels like only a short time ago that my girl and I first got together, when it was actually almost 6 years ago. I can remember those days so clearly. It is clear that our perception or time passing is not static. Makes me think about our own existence and our own brains and how they perceive things. 

I know what you mean about the caregiver role. It doesn't even have to be medical issues. For me, my girlfriend was very headstrong at first, and sometimes she would go through hassles just to "do it on her own." As she grew, she started to lean on me more in a healthy way. Even little favors. "Would you grab breakfast on the way to work for me?" Even those things brought us together, I knew what her favorites were from different places. Even something as simple as knowing her favorite food and bringing it to her. I felt so honored....

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fzald, I get you. Time and our perceptions of it and life itself leaves me reflecting on many things. The 25 years with my husband seem to have gone by in the blink of an eye, but now, it crawls. But, also at the same time, I think back to the past 6 months. That time crawled but I also can't believe it has been 6 months. And from what I have read about Heaven, there is no time as we know it. What is 6 months here is probably a few hours there. But then , I've also read it can be the opposite. Won't know till we get there how this all works out and why we have to go through this. How I used to look at life, time, etc. is all up in the air now.

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KMB,

Type 1 Diabetes is hereditary.  Cholesterol is hereditary and Lipitor, a commonly prescribed drug for it, can cause Diabetes, Type II.  My whole family has it and we've all been on Lipitor, it makes you wonder.  George was Diabetic Type II also.

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KayC, That's the issue with medications. Dealing with the side effects. I have high cholesterol, supposedly inherited from my father's side. I was on Lipitor back in the 90's. I got muscle cramps so bad, I quit the drug. It was some years later, I read that Lipitor caused diabetes in women.I couldn't imagine my husband and I both dealing with the disease.

I guess our lives work out the way they are meant to. If it wasn't for the diabetes and how it destroys the body, my husband would still be here. At least, I"d like to think that. We just don't know how our lives are going to play out until we are actually experiencing it.

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I have read and read all of the posts and they have really helped. I have really been trying to handle everything. My kids want me to act normal I guess they want me to be strong. Can't show emotion in front of them they try to stop it before it starts. I understand now once it starts i can't stop it and they are trying to help.Nobody really talks about what happened especially the hospital.So i am still pretending or in denial.the only way I can cope.son and grandkids moved in. Didn't help to much drama. Alone at the moment and thought i would share my feelings. May be the best on what they are doing for now. Until everyone can handle it don't know any more 

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I reread my post and realized everyone here is going through so much more extreme pain that I almost sound  like I am whining.im sorry. I am truly sorry for all the pain suffering that everyone is going through.My husband took care of me completely and maybe I should let my kids take control of me and suffer in silence. I guess that was what I was trying to say.

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Willow,

Yes, all of us are going through extreme pain. Everyone grieves differently though, some people stay in denial far longer than others, some people are able to face the loss easier than others. Any level of sadness, weakness, pain, is all normal for you. You have to grieve your way.

We are here to listen whenever you need to express your feelings. Your kids may not want to see you in pain, but if you are feeling pain, you have to feel it. Sometimes people are avoiding their own pain and don't want to see others in pain because it makes it harder for them to avoid their own pain. But grief can't be avoided. There's only one way grief can be avoided, for us to have our loved ones back, and for all of us here that will never ever happen in this lifetime. 

Don't suffer in silence. If you can't be open about your feelings around your family, then at least come here and post. 

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Willowgirl,

First, you aren't whining, you are going through an incredibly traumatic experience that will alter the rest of your life.  The pain, grief, and stress you are feeling is absolutely real and justified.  Please come and talk here about anything, any time.  Rant, rave, rail against the inequities of life and the world.  Anything that helps you.

Second, your children I am sure are well meaning.  But every persons grief is unique to them.  You need to do what YOU need.  I understand your children are grieving deeply for their loss as well.  I don't know anything about them, or their grief process, so I won't comment on that.  But if you need to show emotion, show it.  If you need to cry, cry.  If you need to talk, talk.  We have all lost control, because we can't control the passing of our loved ones.  I don't think giving up control of ourselves would be particularly healthy.

We are all going through the same loss and pain.  We all deal with it in different ways, but we all know the anguish the others are feeling.  Nothing you are doing is wrong.  Please take it easy on yourself, and do what you need to do to move through this painful time in the most comforting way possible,

Herc

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willowgirl---It touches my heart that you have been reading our posts, finding what you need in our words. You have a different situation with a home full of people. I wish that you felt comfortable enough to be able to grieve the way you want in front of them. None of us can maintain strength, stoicism, every minute. I would think your family would be brought closer together if there was open talking, grieving, about your husband. But, as is so true, everyone handles loss differently.

Please, keep finding your way here to this forum, when you can, and let your grieving out among those of us who *get it*.

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willowgirl,

Please grieve YOUR way, not suffer in silence.  Perhaps discuss a time for your kids to work towards being on their own and let you handle your life.  They may think they're helping, but if you are left without time to grieve and they're bringing added drama, that is not a help to you, it's more of a burden.  

When my husband died, my son could only take two weeks off from the Air Force, but my daughter was in between places so stayed for a few months...she invited a friend to come here without discussing with me first, he stayed several months, I finally had to ask him to leave (she'd already left by then), it was way more than I could or should have had to handle.  It was the best thing in the world for me to get him gone.

The last thing in the world we need to deal with is other people's problems and drama, we have our hands full dealing with our grief and trying to adjust to the changes it's meant for us.

Please take care of yourself.  If you have no time alone, perhaps you can take a drive or walk to a park to be alone.  My thoughts are with you.

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I am still trying. I'm letting my kids handle it their way and I am trying in my own way by myself and two good friends. I'm still pretending in front of my kids because i realize that is what they need at the moment. I have been having feelings that people said I would have and I never thought I would. I am jealous and it hurts so bad when a couple says "I love you " and today I had a  fleeing thought of 'how could he leave me this way?' I didn't think think I would ever think that. I am going through emotions i never thought i would have. Still very lost and alone in my feelings. But it helps that I come here when it gets to hard to handle.

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willowgirl,

I'm glad you found an outlet to grieve in your own way, both here and with your friends.  Those feelings are normal, we have been deeply hurt and of course we are going to want back what we once had and now see in others.  I hope you get some rest from the emotional waves,

Herc

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willowgirl---Keep trying. One foot in front of the other, day by day. That is all that we can do .It is all we need to do. We suffered personal, tragic losses. Our loss affects us emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. Our whole being is affected. It will take us a very long time to recover to whatever point that we do.

I can understand you needing to pretend for your kids. Their well being and care is a priority. I hope at the end of the day, that you are doing what you need to do for yourself.

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18 hours ago, willowgirl said:

I am trying in my own way by myself and two good friends.

I'm glad you have two good friends.

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I know i haven't posted in a while. But just wanted to share my feelings with people that understands what I am trying to say. I have a ptst therapist that is trying to help me with the guilt of what happened in the hospital. Most of the time  when i close my eyes all I can see is his eyes pleading with me and my heart breaks like it just happened. And his last year I ignored him and didn't take it seriously because I thought he was going to get well. Sometimes I think these feelings of guilt and being left alone is my punishment for being so self centered in life. I have been able to go into the bedroom with the tv on and set for awhile but still can't spend the night in there. When I'm in the bedroom I feel like it is the end and don't know what to do. there is still so much drama I feel like I'm living two separate lives. My thoughts keeps racing but have to pretend everything is fine for the kids. I guess l will keep trying until I can't try any more thanks for listening 

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willowgirl, My heart goes out to you. I wish I could help in some way. All I can do is listen and pray. I'm happy you are seeing a therapist. It is going to take awhile to work your way through the feelings of guilt. Hopefully, the images and feelings fade away. They serve no purpose except for causing you to feel miserable. Your husband would not want you to keep dwelling on his illness or passing. Please, keep in mind that he is at peace, surrounded by love in Heaven. He knows you love him and you were doing your best at the time. Please, do not be so critical of yourself. We are only human.You are not being punished for anything. God does not punish us. God is all about love. Life goes the way it is meant to. The joys and the sorrows.

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Willowgirl:

I read your words, and it hit me like a rock.  My husband too had cancer and was diagnosed in April, 2016.  I don't know exactly how you felt, but I doubt you ignored him, more likely the disease.  My husband and I talked about what the outcome would most likely be the first week, then we really never spoke of it again.  He had Stage IV Pancreatic cancer, and there wasn't much to be done except chemo to try to reduce the tumors.  So we spent the year trying to as "normal" as we could.  Then we find out last December the cancer had spread to his spine after he had a fall.  He ended up in the hospital, then hospice, and then he was well enough to come home.  But he got worse after he came home, and died two weeks later.  I have a lot of guilt over the "what ifs", but I am trying to deal with it.  It is so very hard, and know that you are not alone.

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Willowgirl,

I don't know if you read any of the articles I gave links to on guilt earlier in this thread but I hope you will.  Also are links to other articles following those that have good information in them.  Keep reading and posting, we're here for you.

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