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Struggling to keep faith


JC_TX

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I am a Christian and used to think my faith was strong. I struggled a few years ago when my mom passed. Her death should not have happened. There was some medical negligence involved and I was so angry. I was angry at God for letting it happen even though I know all the truths, the verses about death. I know them in my mind but my heart was so hurt. Then I lost my husband suddenly in November. There are not words to describe this pain. I am not coping. I want so much to be able to lean on God but a voice sneaks into my head and says things like "Don't you know by now that no one is listening and no one cares?". We were getting ready for him to retire. Two days before he passed, we put money down on a little retirement home for us and we were so excited. When he passed, everything went to hell. I have even been thinking that it was all some kind of practical joke, to get our hopes up and then pull the rug out from under us. What a horrible thing for me to think. I know in my mind that God does not do these things. Maybe it's the devil, maybe it's my own weakness. Maybe it's my pain. I feel so guilty for letting these losses crack my faith. I want to be faithful. But I don't know what I believe anymore. I feel so lost. 

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claribassist13

JC, 

Don't feel guilty for how you feel. Even those with the strongest faith are shaken to the core when they lose their world. 

It's been just over a year since I lost my fiance and I still struggle every day with my faith. I think it's a natural thing to do when you lose the person that was your whole world. The loss of a loved one makes us question everything we've ever learned, everything we've ever known. 

People are listening and we do care.
Make sure that you are talking to someone, anyone. 

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It is pretty natural to either lose faith or be angry.  I struggle now and again.  I tend to think I am being punished and it is hard to get past that some days.  

I try to work everyday on not letting myself become angry or bitter.  My biggest reason for that is I do believe in the afterlife and I don't want to become someone my husband wouldn't have liked.  

I think right now, you take care of you and do what little you can to make sure you can survive....whatever that means.

Best wishes

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JC_Tex

I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband and I feel your pain.  My husband of almost 45 years was taken from this earth on December 6, 2016 and I ache for him constantly. We too had retired and was so much looking forward to our future together.  We were inseparable, so very happy and would always confess our love to one another - so I know when he left this earth, he knew he was loved.  

I too am Christian and (in the beginning) was very angry and wanted to blamed God for this.  I thought, "How could a God who claims to love me so, make me the saddest person in this world"?  Why didn't he take someone else who didn't have or want anything out of life, (you know the type) not loved by anyone and who merely, existed.  It just didn't make sense. I wanted and needed to know if my husband was OK and I kept praying through the anger and sadness for the answer.

Finally, God gave me a revelation.  He touched my spirit and let me know that my husband was OK.  He answered my prayer.  I see things somewhat differently now; God designed this man specifically for me, but him in my life for 45 happy years, blessed us with two wonderful children, two beautiful grandchildren; kept us loving each other for all those years - oh, He loves me alright.  So I'm not angry, I'm grateful, thankful and blessed.  I know God has a plan and I trust him - after all, He's all knowing.

I'm praying that you keep your faith - God is real and He loves us all; God didn't promise that bad things wouldn't happen, he promised that he'd be there with us when they did. I hope you continue to post.  The website is great and in my experience (7 weeks) I've received comforting and encouraging words.  God Bless us All.

 

   

  

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9 hours ago, JC_TX said:

What a horrible thing for me to think.

Please don't judge yourself for how you feel.  However we feel is valid, it is our feelings, no more, no less.  Sometimes I think Christians are too hard on themselves.

I am a Christian too and I can tell you that all that you are feeling is common and normal.  It's normal to feel a "disconnect" with God early in your grief.  For me it was the first year.  I have always been an avid pray-er but I felt like my prayers went nowhere, they bounced off the walls of heaven or went into nothingness.  But I eventually realized God was there all the time, it was just a vacuum I was going through, my grief so hit me I couldn't experience anything but the shocking jolt of pain, and it was hard to get through.  Grief does not stay in the same intensity, thank God, it evolves as we go through this grief journey.  I can tell you this has been a rich journey, one of learning and growth...I've hesitated to say that to anyone because I know in the early days/months/years that is not what you see and feel...but it does not make it any less so because you do not see it.  I've learned to accept it for what it is.  In the beginning I hated the word "accept", how can I "accept" he is gone?!  I took it to equate agreeing with, no can do!  But I've learned that is not what acceptance is, it is a realization of something that has occurred.  We know we can't change it.  It is. It is what it is.  I've learned that I can rail against this grave injustice, this travesty, this unfairness...but it doesn't change it.  So like a child spent after a revolting tantrum, I settle down and have learned to live with what is my life now.  I have learned to make the best of what I have, to look for the good that exists, to live in the present and not try to take on the whole rest of my life.  I've learned to rely on myself.  I feel I've finally grown up.  George used to take care of me, he'd fix things around here, he helped pay for things, he discussed things with me...now there is just me to do that.  No one to talk over whether to replace the back of the garage or paint the house first.  No one to share in the burdens and the joys of life with. Mostly I miss HIM, I miss his holding me.  But I've learned to be okay with my own company.  

One of the biggest things I've learned is self care.  How important it is to take care of ourselves!  There is no one else to do that, no one but me now.  I feed myself healthy food, I walk twice a day, every day, no matter the weather.  Why do I do all this when in the beginning I just wanted to join him and didn't want to live?!  I don't know, I guess somewhere along the way I figured if I took care of myself I gave myself the best chance of surviving this, the best chance of getting through this optimally, and maybe even enjoying a bit of life along the way.  THAT took a while...I had to make my life what I wanted it to be, maybe I don't have money to go on cruises or travel, I can't afford fancy furniture, but I take care of myself and have things I look forward to, like helping out at the senior site twice a week and doing books for my church, and singing on the praise team.  I'm in the community choir, I spend time with my dog and cat.  All of these things were my decisions, designed to give my life some meaning...you will figure out what you want your life to be like and what you will incorporate in it.  It won't happen overnight, but little by little as you are more ready.  Like the Bible says, line upon line, precept upon precept...it's a bit at a time but it all adds up.

I hope you will keep coming her.  My grief forum was a lifesaver to me, seriously.  I learned so much through it, I owe a lot to all of the people who have walked this journey with me over the years.

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JC_TX----Everyone has already posted wonderful, meaningful words to you, so I won't repeat. My heart felt condolences on the loss of your beloved husband.  We are each going through our own grieving and it hurts even more when someone new joins this site. So much loss, pain in this world!

Keep posting, we are listening. Many wonderful, compassionate people sharing and giving. I would be totally lost if I had not found this site. Prayers and hugs to you.

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