Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

How do you live after losing your child


Lauraliz

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I lost my sweet Madison on Dec 11, 2016 at approximately 6:20 pm. She drowned in the bathtub after passing out from inhaling some compressed air (air duster). I found her shortly after this happened and she was never able to be revived at all, Lord knows I tried my best until the paramedics arrived and they worked on her for another hour after that. I will never understand how this could happen to my child, it is so unnatural for a parent to face this unspeakable tragedy of losing their child. I get so angry that the sun actually rises each day and that people are still living their lives like I haven't just lost the light of my life. How is it possible to live? I feel such a tremendous pull and longing to be where she is. Am I irrational for feeling this? I also have this constant need to do something to save her, it actually hurts physically to not be able to rescue her. In my mind I know I cannot do anything more to save her, but my body is not accepting of that knowledge and the panic escalates to an indescribable level. I go through this every day. 

So what I want to know is how do I live without my baby for the rest of my life? How do people do it? I'm very new to this and I can't imagine it ever getting easier. One thing I know is if Maddy could've been saved by love, she would've lived a thousand years. 

IMG_0611.JPG

IMG_0678.JPG

IMG_0681.JPG

IMG_0713.JPG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Lauraliz. I am so sorry you lost your daughter. You battled to save her when a lot of others would have frozen in panic so you did everything you could have done as her Mom. You did try desperately to save her, it just wasn't possible. Not your fault. When we lose a child we all feel that huge anger and injustice, and "Why us?" That and feeling resentful are totally normal feelings. You are so new to this tragedy and as time goes on you will probably cycle through loads of emotions, fear, anger, frustration, hopelessness,anxiety wanting answers, bitterness are some of them However know this, that as you travel along the grief journey which is long and painful, there are changes along the way and positive emotion and peace will eventually come to you. It just takes time . You are not a bad person or crazy for feeling the way you do at the moment, you just miss your daughter and want her back. It's ok. I understand, I want my son back too, but we just can't  be with them right now. Take tiny steps, deep breaths, be good to yourself and don't expect to heal and accept for a while longer yet, you are new to this. There are a lot of people here who will listen to and help you because we have all been there, and understand.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 1/16/2017 at 2:55 PM, Lauraliz said:

I lost my sweet Madison on Dec 11, 2016 at approximately 6:20 pm. She drowned in the bathtub after passing out from inhaling some compressed air (air duster). I found her shortly after this happened and never she was revived her at all, Lord knows I tried my best until the paramedics arrived and they worked on her for another hour after that. I will never understand how this could happen to my child, it is so unnatural for a parent to face this unspeakable tragedy of losing their child. I get so angry that the sun actually rises each day and that people are still living their lives like I haven't just lost the light of my life. How is it possible to live? I feel such a tremendous pull and longing to be where she is. Am I irrational for feeling this? I also have this constant need to do something to save her, it actually hurts physically to not be able to rescue her. In my mind I know I cannot do anything more to save her, but my body is not accepting of that knowledge and the panic escalates to an indescribable level. I go through this every day. 

So what I want to know is how do I live without my baby for the rest of my life? How do people do it? I'm very new to this and I can't imagine it ever getting easier. One thing I know is if Maddy could've been saved by love, she would've lived a thousand years. 

 

On 1/16/2017 at 4:44 PM, Tommy's mum said:

Hi Lauraliz. I am so sorry you lost your daughter. You battled to save her when a lot of others would have frozen in panic so you did everything you could have done as her Mom. You did try desperately to save her, it just wasn't possible. Not your fault. When we lose a child we all feel that huge anger and injustice, and "Why us?" That and feeling resentful are totally normal feelings. You are so new to this tragedy and as time goes on you will probably cycle through loads of emotions, fear, anger, frustration, hopelessness,anxiety wanting answers, bitterness are some of them However know this, that as you travel along the grief journey which is long and painful, there are changes along the way and positive emotion and peace will eventually come to you. It just takes time . You are not a bad person or crazy for feeling the way you do at the moment, you just miss your daughter and want her back. It's ok. I understand, I want my son back too, but we just can't  be with them right now. Take tiny steps, deep breaths, be good to yourself and don't expect to heal and accept for a while longer yet, you are new to this. There are a lot of people here who will listen to and help you because we have all been there, and understand.

Thank you Tommy's Mum for your kind words. I know I am not alone here and as heart wrenching as it is to read about other's losses, it is comforting to know that someone understands these overwhelming emotions. Thank you for understanding.

I am truly sorry for your loss as well. I, like you, have more children. I have a 21 year old daughter and a 20 month old grand baby plus one on the way. I do have so much to live for, but grief is very selfish. I find it challenging to be there for my daughter after losing her sister while I'm so consumed with my own grief. About all I can manage is to just be here with her. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Grief is very overwhelming and selfish you are right. I lost myself for many many months despite trying to keep my head above water so was not able to support my family until I got better. It is not that you love the child you lose more than the others it is just you have to take time to absorb the loss and get over the shock and feelings of blame or missing signs or whatever your individual circumstances were. Then you need time to mourn and accept the changes in your family etc. And finally comes a lightening of your spirit and the  ability to go on with your life healthily and at peace. Not peace with losing your child that is something you will always mourn, but peace within yourself. All that takes time and help. I have a wonderful doctor, psychiatrist and bereavement counsellor whom i have been working with for a very long time but i am recovering slowly. Its very painful and difficult but the end result is worth it. take each day as it comes,accept help and support, talk and cry do whatever you need to do. Remember your family need you to be ultimately whole not a shell of yourself, and grief takes a big part of your soul away. you will get there it is a journey so dont be too hard on yourself and expect to bounce back too soon. You will be ok.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter((((. 

You need not walk alone with grief. Please find in your area: www.compassionatefriends.org

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi lauraliz how are you doing? I remember those gut wrenching sickening earlier days having to deal with funeral planning etc and then learning to say the words "my son died" out loud even though inside it felt like it was all a terrible mistake a nightmare that i would wake up from. Knowing it was true but not being able to get my head around it, the racing thoughts, the dead feeling inside your soul. It is such a dreadful experience. However you will be ok as long as you can look after yourself and acknowledge your emotions. You need to help yourself first before you can help anyone else in your family because we Mums are the glue in the family unit and you dont want to get unstuck. accept help and support and be strong. Know that there are so many of us out there who have also lived through this awful nightmare of losing a child and take heart from their successes realising that this whole process takes a lot of time and energy but there is light and hope ahead. Just keep on going.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Lauraliz,

I too am sorry for your loss.  Your daughter is absolutely beautiful, she has a glow that must come from the inside out.  My son was killed trying to intervene and help a friend in an argument.  My son's heart stopped while in the ambulance on route to the hospital.  They worked on him for another hour but was never able to be stabilized and died. We often think of what we should have or could have done, but I know there are no answers, and none of us had prior knowledge of the future.  My son was my first born, and I have 2 other daughters.  I had to be strong for everyone else in the beginning because I knew I could for a while, but after 4 months I took a leave, and have been doing things like walking in nature (although its winter here now), meditating, but I've been writing mostly.  For me journaling my thoughts and experiences have helped.  I don't think we ever really get over our loss, but I know we learn to cope daily.  Some days feel unbearable like it will never end, but other days I'm encouraged.  My son would have been 25 in November, but instead we observed the 6th month anniversary of his death.  Every morning when I wake, I say a prayer for everyone, and one for myself - that I may be given the strength to do all I need to do today. Be gentle with yourself, I know you will find your way, may we all find our way though. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Welcome mamadukes we lost our sons in a similar way.  Tommy was trying to save his suicidal friend from jumping off a very high building, his friend also fell but survived his injuries. My son's heart stopped in the ambulance too because of the severity of his injuries and although the doctors worked on him he could not be saved. We live in the UK and he was in Hawaii so we only heard the next day that Tommy had died. Were you able to be there at the hospital? We were not afforded that chance and I wish we could have been there but that was the way it was. I journal a little most of my thoughts are in my head and discussed in my bereavement therapy which has given me so much. Coping daily is definitely true, we never know what the day holds for us or how our emotions will be. Sometimes I experience several emotions just in one conversation, and can go from smiling to crying and back. At least I can smile and laugh sometimes now. For well over a year I was inconsolable or just frozen and on automatic pilot it was an awful existence. Tommy just turned 25 a couple weeks before he died so i think we have a lot in common. i hope you continue to feel encouraged and hopeful and I am glad you have your faith to help you through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you Tommy's mum.  It seems we do have a lot in common, which is unfortunate for both in some ways, but in others - we both had beautiful sons whom we loved, and loved us in return.  I didn't not get an opportunity to see him in the hospital.  They said I could not see him until after the coroner had examined the body.  I continue to journal privately, and I do still keep a lot in my head that I don't want others to ever hear, and I blog about others.  I'm wishing us all peace and joy as we travel this life changing journey. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.