Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

What form of support have you all found to be the most helpful?


CKYdad

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I haven't really had much time to grieve. I've had a lot on my plate leading up to, then a LOT more negative after my wife passed.

This has been a curse, but I suppose a little bit of a blessing in disguise as it has kept me distracted.

Now that things SEEM to be settling down some I feel my grief coming on very strong. Overwhelming at times. I have had my children in to a grief counselor a couple of times not, and finally made a point to schedule an appointment for myself to go in. The earliest appointment I could get is not for 2 more weeks.

I have been giving some thought as to what method would be most beneficial for me. Grief counseling, group therapy, etc..

In your experiences, what has been the most beneficial to you in getting through the grief of your loved ones, and start to learn to live again?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am unable to be giving any advice, I'm still floundering myself. Outside of our pets, I am alone in this journey for the most part. People that I thought truly cared have faded away to their own lives. I haven't even started *living* again. I take care of the pets, go through the motions of paying bills, the simplest basics of functioning. No one understands how painful, lonely, scary, overwhelming it is to lose a partner unless they have gone through it. The people I know have not and I sincerely hope they cherish their partners.

Grief support groups/therapy/counseling----the only thing I can tell you is to experiment and try out for 1, 2 or 3 sessions with your choice in whatever you think will work best for you. I'm sorry that your grieving has been put on hold due to the circumstances you've had to deal with. You put the children first and the other challenges and your wife would have done the same. It will be rough to balance, but you need to take the time for you now. Your well being and needs have to be met so you are able to take care of the family.

Prayers for  you all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You are absolutely right about people fading back into their lives.

I feel like people are avoiding me now. Kinda like "oh man, here he comes, quick hide".

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I went to a regular counselor as my insurance doesn't cover grief counseling alone.  It wasn't a good experience.  So I don't have much of an answer to give.  Make sure the person has knowledge of grief counseling and good luck. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CKYdad, From my experience, people who have not gone through loss, esp., of a spouse, probably just don't know what to say that is appropriate, empathetic. so they might say something that sounds hurtful, ignorant, without that intent or they find it easier to avoid a situation altogether. I've already had a couple of people tell me to move on, pretend to be happy and positive, eventually you'll see life as good again. I'll take care of my life at my own pace, thank you very much. I've had losses of loved ones in my life, but not to the extent of this horrendous pain of losing my beloved husband.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I tried grief counseling and it didn't go well. I believe the counselor was totally out of touch with what someone losing a spouse goes through. She even implied that I must believe that something is wrong with me as I have been through a lot...a divorce, a miscarriage, death of my mom and now death of my husband. All through this I never once thought something was wrong with me. I never went back to grief counseling after that. I have found the most help right here in this forum. I hope whatever you decide to do works for you. Talk to qualified persons. I pray you continue to heal and stay strong. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Right after my wife passed in late August, my sister arrived in her RV, intending to help out as much as she could. She's unattached and could pick up and move easily. At first, I resented it - I felt it was my obligation to take on all of the things that were my wife's responsibilities. Now, a little over four months later, I don't know how I would have managed without her help. Looking back I can see how patient she was with me, knowing that this tidal wave was incoming, and staying despite my affirmations that I could handle whatever was in my path. So, as far as support goes, I've found the most helpful has come from close family pitching in to help take care of all of the little things. Rides for the kids, the occasional shopping trip, just being there to spend some time with the kids or lend a helping hand - all of this adds up to so much more than I can even articulate. My sister is an absolute rock star and she doesn't even know it.

I'll make it a point to let her know how much she's helped, and what she means to us, tonight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Good question,

I initially had no intentions of any type of therapy, but was experiencing serious difficulty dealing with my loss.  My daughter suggested I seek some type of counseling so I reluctantly agreed.  The first counselor we saw was totally out of her element and the session was awful.   I thought, nope, that's it, - I'm done. Unfortunately, my daughter  strongly suggested that  I not let the first experience discourage me.

I agreed to see another grief counselor. I did, but this one was different.  He actually knew what he was doing and the sessions are going well.  I'm going to a group therapy session this weekend and looking forward to it.  All methods may seem to give some kind of comfort; however;  no matter what you choose, grieving is a process we all must get through and what works well for someone else might not work for you.   Search your heart and ask God for direction.  After all, he's the ultimate Comforter for whatever ails us.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
claribassist13

It seems that my experience is the minority around here. I have been seeing a grief counselor for almost a year now, and it is one of the best decisions I have made in trying to care for myself. My counselor and I have an excellent relationship and it has greatly benefitted me to have a space where I can speak freely. 

I would suggest that everyone try counseling at least once, but there are also some very important things to keep in mind:

1. You need to see an actual grief counselor. There is a stark difference between a counselor and a grief counselor. 
2. You have to be willing to put the time and effort in. If you are someone who is still telling yourself that the only thing that could help is to have your loved one back, then you are not ready for counseling. What I mean to say is that grief counseling is not designed to make you feel better or to take your pain away. You are going to have to accept some hard facts and decide that you want to be able to move forward in a healthy manner. That doesn't mean moving on from your loved one, it means learning how to live a life that honors their memory. As far as time goes, it will take a couple of sessions to establish a relationship. If you are not immediately turned off by your counselor, then give it a chance. 
3. Nothing and no one will help you until you are ready to help yourself. You can talk to all the grief counselors in the world and it won't make a difference if you refuse to talk to them or take their suggestions, then you are wasting your own time. 

Grief counseling is not for everyone, but I believe that too many people push it to the side. 
If you do decide that counseling is not for you, then you need to ensure that you have someone you can talk to freely and openly about what is going on in your life. As much as we might fight it, we need to be able to talk to people about our experience. It's one small step towards something beyond the feelings that threaten to overwhelm us. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Today marks 2 months since my wife was confirmed deceased.
My first psychologist was alright, but not quite specialized in grief counseling.

My second psychologist is male, who shares similar spiritual belief as myself, and also counsels my family member.  He's not specialized as a grief counselor, but he has dealt with enough grief and post-partum depression to have a very good understanding.  He offers practical solutions and insightful comments and directions for me to focus my mind on.  He is also instrumental in helping me deal with family dynamics. 

My other psychologist is female, who specializes in suicide bereavement and suicide prevention.  She is very empathetic and kind.  She tells me to be kind and gentle to myself, and to keep my stress level below 2 out of 10 if possible, to avoid getting overwhelmed.  She communicates with my family doctor as well.   I feel safe and comfortable talking to her.  It's very good for me to have a caring empathetic person to talk to who's not a family member or a friend, who's job is to point out my thinking patterns, who's seen so many people in my situations that I know I'm in good hands.

Other than counselors, As important are my family and friends.  My family helps take care of my baby son, while giving me familiar comfort.  My friends are just a phone call (or text) away.  I created a closed facebook group to support me through the grieving journey.  On that group I'm free to vent, and my friends are free to give me encouragement whenever.  It's a place for me to share if I feel not safe, then my friends will gather to be with me.  I'm sure they have their own chat group without me in it, to figure out how to help me.

Other than forums like this, I find comfort in social media groups where people share similar experience, which would be Young Widows and Widowers groups for myself.

I'm but 2-2.5 months in and still all new to this profound grief thing.  I hope one day I'll be a good resource and support for those who are newer in the path of grief~

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I feel the most important thing is to be able to talk and share your feelings. For me, I don't believe I could share my feelings with a grief counsellor. There are my own reasons for that.

The most helpful thing for me is talking to my brother. I don't have any real close girlfriends and I don't prefer talking to my male friends too much. I fear they might think of me as a potential future girlfriend, which I am nowhere near interested in. So I talk to my brother. He knew my love from his childhood. We all three grew up together. So, I don't need to explain him anything. He understands it all by himself. And he too was close to my sweetheart, so he knows the pain of losing someone. Thanks to him, my heath is improving and I have resumed my studies. 

The most important thing is to find someone you are comfortable with, and talk. 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
14 hours ago, Francine said:

I agreed to see another grief counselor. I did, but this one was different.  He actually knew what he was doing and the sessions are going well.

This is the key...it has to be a professional grief counselor, not all counselors are trained in grief or know how to deal with it.  Some counselors seem like quacks when it comes to grief, only get a licensed grief counselor and if they don't resonate with you, find another and another until you know it's the right one and it's helping.  It makes all the difference in the world.

Being on forums has helped me tremendously.  The one I have been on for 11 1/2 years has a professional grief counselor as the administrator and she reads all the posts and directs us to articles, books, videos, etc.  She's been so helpful I feel like she's mentored me over the years, I've learned so much from her.  She has not lost her husband but a young child and pets as well as parents, grandparents, etc.  She understands that it's a whole new ball game to lose your spouse, that it affects every avenue of your life.

I agree that it is important, vital, to express yourself and know you are heard.  That is why I am here, I want to be here for each person, it was a lifesaver to me when I most needed it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KayC:

You are so inspiring - your post are so positive and uplifting.  I thank God for you and the many others on this website whose offered such inspirational words - words that motivate and energize us.   I saw my grief counselor today (you know - the one that actually knows what he's doing :D) and told him about this website and how I found so many amazing people who are experiencing the same thing I am going though.  I told him how my story mirrored so many others and sharing our stories were just incredible.  

When I got home from the my appointment with the grief counselor, I got the mail that arrived.   A letter from the hospital came asking for payment.  Livid, I called the hospital and was ready to give them a peace of mind when a lady answered the phone and after telling her that my husband had passed away, she was so compassionate.   She told me how she too lost her husband in '05 and recently lost her 43 year old son 3 months prior.   She was truly God-sent -  we struck up a conversation that was (I think) beneficial to both of us.   We literally forgot about why I called in the first place and when it came back to the nature of the call, we both had a good laugh.  She offered that I call back if just to talk and/or needed prayer. 

Needless to say, God knows are pain and puts people in my path when we are most vulnerable.   God loves us and is here with us during this most difficult time.   God Bless you all!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My biggest support has been the few friends that want to hear about my Levi and want me to tell stories and if they have them, share them also.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I tried my MD, a grief counsellor, a psychologist and a group, and found nothing that worked except two dear friends and two family members who were simply empathetic and willing to listen thoughtfully and spend what were (for them, I am sure) some difficult discussions. I hope you will find some who will help you with sharing your feelings and helping you work through not only your grief but also, if you are anything like I was, your fears, anger and resentment, because I had a lot of all of those things too, in addition to grief. If you can find someone who can help you work through all of that, I hope you will find peace at last. My heart goes out to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Francine,

Be careful paying the hospital...first find out the laws in your state.  I don't know if you have an estate attorney or not but I would have been money ahead had I gotten one.  I literally had no money when George died and the bills we paid with both incomes now just had mine...and then I lost my job.  The hospital got aggressive with me, charging high interest and calling demanding payment.  I remortgaged my home to pay off the hospital, doctors, ambulance.  A few years later my friend lost her husband and the hospital called her and she told them good luck getting it out of him!  I found out that in my state we aren't responsible for their bills unless we signed for them.  I remortgaged my house for nothing.  They can and do write such bills off.  Another widower friend of mine that has ample income did not pay the hospital bills for his wife either.  They wrote it off.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KayC

Like you and George, Charles and I paid bills from both our incomes and then our retirement funds.  We lived very modestly but enough for our wants and needs.   After Charles death, I was not eligible for any of his benefits because of a non-tax pension annuity.   That was a shock not only to me but to our bank account.  Reduced to one income is difficult.  Needless to say, moving forward, changes will in deed have to be made.  I know my God did not bring me this far only to let me go.  I trust in him implicitly, and know he will bring me through this as well.  We do have an attorney looking into other matters on our behalf.    Thanks for the advise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

My daughter stayed with me for a while after his death.  One day I opened my budget in my Excel spreadsheet, and deleted his income in the months going across the page...as I did so, red totals appeared across the page.  She was looking over my shoulder and saw it.  She said, "Don't worry, mom, God's always taken care of me and He will you too."  I feel a lump in my throat as I recall her precious faith, that I had instilled over the years, coming back TO me!  I remembered those words and they carried me...through loss of jobs, through hard times, and now facing old age alone...it's God's job to take care of me, my job to do what I know He wants me to do to the best of my ability.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jeff In Denver

As long-term people here know, I take a different approach.  Please note:  This is only my opinion.  A good counselor could work very well for you.  Grief counseling could you help a lot.

Grief counseling did almost nothing for me.  I don't see how it could possibly help.   We want the person back.  No grief counseling can ever change that.   So I, a hardcore skeptic, took the approach that my girlfriend was only physically gone.  I have done a lot of studying and talked to a lot of people.  I am trying to take the approach that she loves me as before and hears me when I talk to her.  She hasn't vanished.  She's not gone.

Strange, perhaps, but there seems to be a lot of support for this belief.  I am working on expanding this approach and it helps a lot.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Jeff, Welcome back. I agree that grief counseling / support groups sometimes do not work for everyone. Our grieving is customized according to circumstance and individual needs. I do go to group support meetings though, but it is for the interaction of being around others who understand and because I live in an isolated area and need to get away from home, where the isolation causes me to feel so much more alone. I lack a personal support system, people that I thought would keep in contact have faded away to their lives. Many miss my husband but do not know what to say so I guess it is easier for them to stay away. So, for me, it has been the once a month support group and my lifeline of being on this forum on a daily basis.

I too, believe that my husband is only physically gone (as well as audibly). I feel that our love is still reciprocated and he hears me. But being human, I also feel the unfairness of what can seem as a one sided relationship. The pain of his physical absence I fear will drive me insane. But, he wants me to continue on to the best of my ability. We will be reunited someday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jeff In Denver

Hi KMB, thanks!  I took a break from this site, as most of us probably do.  Then, this weekend I got blindsided by a huge wave of grief.  It just pulled me under.  I'm back working with my office door closed, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

You made some very good points, as usual.  I feel bad about you isolation, and I am glad that you have a lifeline.

As I recently ready, our biggest problem is the absence of their presence.  I know what you mean about how hard it is.  I also agree with what you said about being in a one-sided relationship.  I think you will be reunited someday.  I really hope so.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Jeff, So sorry that you are at work enduring another wave of the grief roller coaster. Sometimes I wish I had a job to occupy some of my day, but I live in an economically deprived area and I would feel selfish even taking a part-time job away from someone who needed it to support a family. My husband, bless him, was prepared ahead of time for my financial support. I've also come to realize that if I did have a job, I would not be able to focus and do that job justice. I have a hard time just remembering to get the bills paid before the due date. I just don't care for much of anything the way I used to. My husband admired my efficiency and organizational skills. I took care of the bookkeeping end of his business. His physical absence has me feeling how pointless a good part of life is now. Finishing the dissolving of the business has had me procrastinating over it. But with tax time looming, I've had to suck it up and deal with it. It has been painful and bittersweet. All those years of working alongside my husband and enjoying our respective roles is gone now. Just memories. All I can think about is wishing this life, such as it is now, quickly passes like those years with my husband and I can be with him again.

I have been getting advertising articles on my social media news feed referring to this life as being a simulated reality. I haven't had the mental energy to do more research into that particular article. But it is heartening that scientists and academics are finally acknowledging the existence of the afterlife.

Take care of yourself--

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jeff In Denver

KMB,

Again, thank you so much.  These waves remind us that there are plenty of feelings of loss that stay with us, ready to show themselves at any time.  

I am glad that you at least have some financial security.  I have that, too, but it means so little.  (Of course it would mean more if I didn't have it),

I hope you're taking care of yourself as best you can.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 1/23/2017 at 6:50 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

Grief counseling did almost nothing for me.  I don't see how it could possibly help.   We want the person back.  No grief counseling can ever change that

Be careful in dissuading others from seeing a grief counselor...it could be just what help they need.  Your experience was not positive, but that doesn't mean that would be everyone's experience.  No it doesn't change the outcome in that it doesn't give you your wife back.  The purpose of a grief counselor isn't to alter reality but to help you come to terms with it and figure out what to do now, how to deal with this, how to create a life that you can live with.  That's pretty tough to stumble through on your own.  Sometimes it takes going to three counselors before you find the one that is right for you, the one that actually helps.  They sure aren't all the same.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
21 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

this weekend I got blindsided by a huge wave of grief.  It just pulled me under.  I'm back working with my office door closed, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

I'm sorry it's hitting you again so hard, I know how that is...it seems like we are on a roller coaster of grief!  When it hits, I've learned not to fight it, to just experience it and let it flow.  And I know tomorrow might not be so intense and that helps me get through it.  Geesh, if only there was a manual for this, but we were all blindsided!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

There are manuals for grieving, but they are based on models that don't work for everyone. Somehow, at our birth, we should have been given a customized manual that we could access in our minds for navigating loss. We should also have been given the true knowledge for where is our loved one exactly, what are they doing, and visitation time. Our physical bodies are not meant to last forever so I feel we should be given full access to the transition of physical to spiritual. Simple solution that would help with this grieving process. God or whatever universal power that is in control certainly holds on to the secrets. Our suffering must have a purpose.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jeff In Denver
On 1/24/2017 at 8:41 AM, KayC said:

Be careful in dissuading others from seeing a grief counselor...it could be just what help they need.  Your experience was not positive, but that doesn't mean that would be everyone's experience.  No it doesn't change the outcome in that it doesn't give you your wife back.  The purpose of a grief counselor isn't to alter reality but to help you come to terms with it and figure out what to do now, how to deal with this, how to create a life that you can live with.  That's pretty tough to stumble through on your own.  Sometimes it takes going to three counselors before you find the one that is right for you, the one that actually helps.  They sure aren't all the same.

KayC, I really don't know how you came up with that.

I fully stand by what I said.  At no time did I say that that mine would be everyone's experience. As I wrote in my post: "Please note:  This is only my opinion."  I also said:  "  A good counselor could work very well for you.  Grief counseling could you help a lot."

I don't know how can't be any clearer than that.  Not everyone will agree with me, and that's the way that it should be. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jeff In Denver
23 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry it's hitting you again so hard, I know how that is...it seems like we are on a roller coaster of grief!  When it hits, I've learned not to fight it, to just experience it and let it flow.  And I know tomorrow might not be so intense and that helps me get through it.  Geesh, if only there was a manual for this, but we were all blindsided!

Thanks, KayC.  You're so right.  It really is like a roller coaster.  This is no way to live.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I'm sorry, I thought since you sounded pretty adamant about your opinion that it would influence others to NOT try a professional grief counselor.  I realize not everyone has a good experience, unfortunately, that's why I encourage people to try two or three if necessary, but not everyone will do that.  You're right, you were clear, it's my reading that was not. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jeff In Denver
14 minutes ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry, I thought since you sounded pretty adamant about your opinion that it would influence others to NOT try a professional grief counselor.  I realize not everyone has a good experience, unfortunately, that's why I encourage people to try two or three if necessary, but not everyone will do that.  You're right, you were clear, it's my reading that was not. :)

I fully understand what you mean, and you're right.  I have long said that grief counselors wouldn't exist if they didn't help.  For some people I am sure that they have made a huge difference, and I would hate to say something negative that would hold someone back if it could help them.  

I did meet with one three times and it did help to talk to her when I was in her office, and for a few hours afterward.  But then the terrible reality hit.    But again, that's just my experience.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

That reality seems to rear up and hit again and again, no matter how we choose to handle it or what path we take.  I wish I knew an easy answer but alas I'm afraid there is none.  We just keep going somehow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Has anyone participated in a survivors group? I'm also looking at all the various options and so far have only met with a grief counselor who is specific to suicide. The consoler was extremely helpful in the immediate aftermath and was contacted by a neighbor who is a police officer and connected me with the contact he has worked with. I don't know where I would be for not having someone who was experienced (personally and professionally) with grief from suicide. I was also provided with materials to reference and to share with family/friends. To this point this is our first experience with this type of loss and I made sure any family/friends who could participate with me were there as it helped to better understand why/what drives someone to take that action. There are multiple stages of grief to understand and also how to handle people who ask about what happened and why or even ask for more details. SOS Handbook. I am just over three weeks now in this new reality and there very difficult times throughout the day. For example, I received a UPS delivery today on some items my Wife ordered. She was into essential oils from Young Living and it was another reminder of how sudden and unpredicted all of this was. I've spent the past 2 weeks contacting all the various credit card companies to advise them and each time it's like throwing salt on the bleeding wound. I also have a stack of cards from the funeral to send thank you notes back and having trouble starting as it feels like an emotional mountain. I also want to thank those who spent the time to write to me and express their support, love and kindness. I've always been a outward emotional person but as many have stated it's very hard to keep your stress level lower and take care of the business which requires your focus and attention in a timely manner. I also returned to work this week and part of me was looking forward for that mental distraction, but it's still an uphill challenge as everywhere I look (working from home) are those memories of my life 1997-2017 where basically everything I have was in partnership or a memory of our many travels. Even our cats, which I call my therapy cats now are helpful but I can tell they miss their mommy and look at me like where is mom as she was the "cat lady" who would often have them all in the bed with her or even on her. These cats are our kids and the oldest is 15. I feel terrible for them, as I do a good deal of travel with my job and going to need to figure out how to manage taking of them the way they deserve. Thanks for listening, I hope the link helps you. Make a point to perform random acts of kindness as it will help heal your soul. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I haven't done any type of counseling after my original try, but I know others on here are involved in types of grief counseling.

I am 5 months out and still dealing with odd bills and such that come up.  We kept our bills/accounts separate as I was good with money and that was not his strength.  He had plenty of other things that he surpassed me in though.

I wrote all the thank you notes right away as it kept me distracted, but anything that came after that first month has been such a chore.  It might sound wrong, but some days I am tired of being thankful....but that is because I am tried of thanking people because of the circumstances, not because they helped.  I appreciate the help or thoughts or what have you.

And you are right, it is like a new wound each time you have to say your love has passed on or explain you are a widow or what have you.  And so many people want the details and I can imagine in your situation that is even worse to go into vs mine.  People are great and crap all at the same time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Kevin9, I am going to a once a month grief support group. It's been 5 months and I don't know if it is helping. It is a small group which I am comfortable with. I mainly go to get away and interact with others who understand since I do live in an isolated area.

I have not done thank you notes yet. The box of cards is still on the desk. I just cannot bring myself to do that yet. I had to finish dissolving my husband's business and my stress level has been too high to deal with much else.

My husband was my biggest motivator and go to person.He meant many things to me. I just feel so lost without him.

Emeliza, Hang in there the best you can. I relate to your last sentence---*People are great and crap all at the same time*. I get that. It's rare for the phone to ring these days. When it does, me and the pets all jump. One or two mutual friends still call but I don't have much to say except that I am still breathing and trying to cope. Life had meaning and was busier when my husband was here. I obviously have a lot of grief work ahead of me if I am to survive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

That first year or so, especially the early months, I was in a fog.  A year after George died, I got out all of the sympathy cards and was I surprised!  I did not remember getting some of them.  I read them all as if it was the first time.  My brain was not even engaged in the early days.  I don't know how I got through the day working and doing what I had to do.  It's funny (odd/peculiar) that when our brains are at their worst we have to do things like handling estates, closing businesses, all of the things I see you all having to deal with, the important decisions, just when we're least able to and already overtaxed to the hilt in our emotions and processing!  Very unfair.

I had to laugh out loud at the "People are great and crap all at the same time "  I get it!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am still in somewhat of a fog. I was in such denial with my husband's health. Here was a man, vital, energetic, constantly working on one thing or another. Along come health issues. He accepts them and still goes on. I had him on a pedestal all these years because of his outlook and joy in life. How intelligent and generous and caring and here he was coping with things that I didn't even think that I could. I know that I should have sent out thank you cards some time ago. But yet, these people knew my husband and I and how devoted we were to each other. I'm sure they understand my grieving and how difficult and changed my life is. But I do feel guilty at holding off on the acknowledgements. I'll get them out soon. The lawyer called the other evening. Wrapping up my husband's estate. Not looking forward to having to go in and sign off the final papers.

A little over a week ago, I sent a sympathy card to the wife of a friend who passed. He was more my husband's friend and we didn't know the wife very well. I expressed in the card that if she needed just to talk or a shoulder, let me know. She only has a daughter to lean on. She sent a thank you note back immediately and I am wondering how she was able to do that. Maybe it gave her something to focus on. I don't know---maybe I am just more of a mess because my husband passed suddenly without us being able to express our final words. This woman's husband was in the hospital for a few weeks and they had time for what I didn't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Mine was sudden and I did my notes right away.  I felt so out of control and just needed something to accomplish, to get something done.  

But I think it just made people think I was strong.  I wasn't.  I am not.  I just needed to accomplish something.  I just needed to do something.  I think I got them all done before the shock wore off.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
claribassist13
On 1/25/2017 at 9:39 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

I fully understand what you mean, and you're right.  I have long said that grief counselors wouldn't exist if they didn't help.  For some people I am sure that they have made a huge difference, and I would hate to say something negative that would hold someone back if it could help them.  

I did meet with one three times and it did help to talk to her when I was in her office, and for a few hours afterward.  But then the terrible reality hit.    But again, that's just my experience.

 

Jeff, 

I think it's important to showcase both perspectives. Grief counseling didn't work for you, but grief counseling has probably been the best thing I have done for myself. 
It just goes to show that grief is so personal and individualized. We are all in the same boat, but none of us are experiencing the same thing. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I just realize I told how my first year was but didn't address the question of the topic of the post!  I'd have to say what helped me the very most was the grief forum I joined.  There I found understanding caring people that UNDERSTOOD what I was going through and the helpful guidance and articles from a grief counselor that happened to be our moderator.  I don't see how I could have survived without it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks KayC. I feel the same way. Don't know how I would be surviving either without this forum. I have nothing to do today ( nothing I feel up to doing, to be honest) so it is being my saving grace. Was going to go down and visit with my son but he has other plans. So here I am on the site to keep me distracted and looking for solace.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.