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One day at a time


MrTomtom

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I don't know how to start but I guess I just say what's on my mind... It's almost been a full year since I lost the one person I truly connected with and wholeheartedly wanted to spend all of my life with. We met on an online dating site and we were together for about 6 months... but they were the best days of my life. I miss coming home to be greeted by her smiley face and overly positive attitude when she just wanted to hold me and be as close as possible. She was under the effect of a terminal illness of Cystic Fibrosis, but that wasn't something I focused on. I loved her for her and just wanted it to be forever, but forever was not to be and I knew it... but was it wrong to want it to last longer? was it wrong that I wanted her to stay? I don't know anymore... Ever since going to her funeral I haven't been able to bring myself to go back there. I don't know what it is but whenever I decide I'm going to go something stops me... It's almost been a year! I don't know what's wrong with me... but maybe I'm just scared of being back there... 

Before meeting her I was in a very bad place... I've always struggled with thoughts of suicide, and depression, but when I had her in my life I had a reason to live... finally a reason to live and love someone... and now she's gone... And each day her words echo through me.. "do what makes you happy" "live for me" you'll be a great dad one day" "I love you" ... She keeps me here. Those words. Those memories. That echo through me. They tie me to this place that is Living. Every day is a struggle to keep going... I may not want to keep going. But she wanted me to keep going and if that's the last promise I'm to keep to her than I continue... just... One Day at a Time.

-Tom

 

**I'm sorry I jumped from one thought to the next but I NEVER write thise kind of thing out or have told anyone. So I don't know how to word it properly plus it's difficult when old memories come up and you start to cry while writing/ typing.

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I'm so sorry for your lost and how much pain you are still in.   I know you are deeply wounded by her loss and your wounds (all our wounds) need to be attended to.  I'm so glad you posted - speaking words from your heart is a beginning.    Know that her spirit lives on - it returns to God from whence it came.   Concentrate on the love you two shared and know that nothing or no one can ever take that away.

 It's hard - God I know - we all know, but hold fast to those memories you mentioned.  I know every day - every minute and second are struggles, but you've made it this far and will continue to do so.  Continue, if not for yourself, for her - it's what she wanted of you.  I know you won't let her down.  Continue, if you must, to mourn her, love her and honor her.  Take whatever time you need - but I want you to know that while you'll never forget her (and you shouldn't) in time, the tears will be replaced by smiles as you remember her.

I read something that stated, "When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, you will see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight"  - what a powerful and true statement.  

My prayer is for God to grant you his overwhelming love, strength and inner peace to help you through this difficult time.  I hope you continue to post - this website (I've found) is excellent source giving words of comfort and encouragement when we most need them.  God Bless

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CF is an awful disease.  I have a few friends with it and it is unrelenting and brutal.

One of the people who have been the biggest help in my path with grief of my love is a high school friend who has CF.  His wife also passed from that horrid diease.  He as also watched many friends pass from it.

I am so sorry you lost your love and in that way.

I am glad she instilled in you the knowledge of your worth and to keep going, when when you don't want to. 

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4 hours ago, MrTomtom said:

was it wrong to want it to last longer?

Absolutely not!  Your feelings are valid and I've learned we can have conflicting feelings at the same time.  We can be relieved they're out of their suffering even while we wish with all our hearts we could have them back again.  Feelings don't have to make sense even, they are just...feelings.

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's so hard to find just the right person, only to lose them shortly thereafter.  I felt like we had just put our lives together when he was taken from me. :(  We knew each other 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months, all too short, and such a shock to lose him!  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined him leaving so soon.  We were supposed to grow old together, this was not the plan!

Tom, when you feel depressed and not like going on, remember, to continue your life is to provide hope that it can change...don't ever deprive yourself of that.  Live life as a gift, even as she was.

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Mr.Tomtom---So sorry for your loss, the pain you are still going through. We all relate on this forum to the pain of grieving. Our partner becomes our life, our purpose for being. They know us inside out. it is such a shock to lose that one special person we became entwined with on a daily basis. We have to carry the love and memories with us and relearn how to continue on somehow. Remember your partner's words of what she wanted for you, she knew the right ones to say. Keep honoring her and her wishes for you, you will keep going as you have been, one day at a time. Have you sought out grief support groups, grief counseling/therapy? A doctor can prescribe medications for anxiety, depression, if your symptoms have been long lasting. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep posting here. We are listening, giving and receiving support and comfort during this journey we are all unfortunately on. Prayer, love and peace to you. Hang in there!

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