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My mother just passed away in hospital from uknown causes


cwv4ever

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So my mother went in for problems with ulcers. The Kaiser, CA, doctor cut her bile duct and put her in a tail spin. For the next 2 years we're in and out of the hospital with everything that's going on. The last time we took her in was on oxtober 29th, and she passed away on 12'24/2016..

 

I was to feel sad and I want to feel empty.. I want to feel anything, but all I feel in anger towards the fact that Kaiser couldn't tell us what problem she was having so they didn't know how to fix it and they couldn't do anything to help her.... All I feel in anger towards the fact that Kaiser didn't know what to do and refused to try and learn what could've been done. I'm FURIOUS that she was taken at the age of 53, and I'm numbingly angry that nobody can tell me why how how...

 

What do I do with that?All I feel is anger and hated, but I'm old enough to know that those feelings will end me up in jail; which wont help anything. I want to say that I'm lost, but it always goes back to anger. Am I grieving wrong? 

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Caryn's daughter

I am so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away on December 1st at the age of 62 unexpectedly from cardiac arrest and my heart is broken into a million pieces. Everyday is like a nightmare. I understand your feelings of anger completely. I don't think you are grieving wrong at all. I am angry too, and sad and numb and just completely broken. My only advice, and this is what I try to tell myself too when I feel like I don't want to go on living without my mom, is that you have to go on living for your mom. She wouldn't want you to do anything that would result in harm coming to you or you ending up in jail. Just try to take care of yourself and make sure you protect yourself and your future, because that is what your mom would want for you. But let yourself feel the anger, even just writing it down here helps I think to cope in a healthy way with the very normal emotions you are feeling. In a way, this might sound weird, but it is kind of a good thing that you have someone else to blame. You can direct all of your anger at someone else and at least you don't feel guilty. All of my anger is directed at myself and my dad because we were caretakers for my mom who had been sick for some time and I feel like we were responsible for her death because she had been getting sicker for the week before she died and we put off taking her to the hospital hoping she would get better. I will never forgive myself for that ever. In a way I wish I could blame someone else and not feel so much like it is my fault. I think the anger at someone else might be better than the guilt and anger at yourself. At least you know it is not your fault, that at least is a small blessing if you can see it that way. 

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