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Pain is always there - ever stops


Francine

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It's been 6 weeks since I lost the love of my life and I thought I was coping as well as could be expected, but last night was simply awful for me.  I cried rivers of tears and it seemed I couldn't stop. Tried to go to that special place I tucked away in my heart, but couldn't.   Is this what is to be expected -  to go on these up and down roller coasters - one minute you're barely getting by and the next, your pain is inconceivable.   I miss him more than I can imagine; I keep seeing his face and want to pinch his cheeks, pucker his mouth and lay a kiss on him - one of the little rituals we had  - it was so funny, we'd both laugh to the degree of almost crying.   That was such fun and I miss it so.  God I love that man.  Pray that God gives me the strength to make it through the day. 

 

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Yes.  That is basically what it is like.  I think the timespan where you ache, but it isn't pure pain gets longer between the waves.  I think the time where you can catch your breath and be sad, but not utterly miserable lengthens, but either way, the waves keep coming.  I posted something someone send me about the waves.  

At almost 5 months, I can sometimes get thru a whole day without breaking down, but unfortunately I still have whole days where all I feel I have done is break down.  Unfortunately life goes on and we are often still actively trying not to drown, not even treading water yet, let alone swimming.  

I think on this board, Kay has the most experience and she is still going, but the sadness and love is still there.

I would encourage you to write your experience down where you got confirmation that your husband was ok and how that made you feel.  You might need to read it sometimes and try and get that feeling back.  

I have had a few spiritual experiences since my love passed and they were awesome, but I don't have them much or at all now so I need to look back on the reassurances I received before. 

The last 14 days have been very hard for me, but I had a short span where I thought I was improving so I am pretty certain I will again.

Much love 

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Francine, Emeliza

I don't know if we'll ever get past the waves of emotions. I feel that it will be with us throughout our lives. Which is ok in some regards. We are always going to love and miss our partners.

I got slammed this morning with some sad news via social media. One of my husband's friends passed earlier in the week. Cancer finally released him to Heaven. I knew he was back in the hospital but only family was allowed to visit. I'm upset because no one notified me. But yet, not totally surprised because everyone we knew has faded away to their own lives. This friend was a fixture of his small town village. Always helpful to the community, light hearted, ready to make you smile with jokes and stories. I like to think that he and my husband are having coffee and swapping stories in Heaven.

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The waves do keep coming for me as well. Week 9 has been one of my toughest weeks so far. I feel like I’ve had tsunami waves most days. Memories keep rolling through me, and they are good memories, and I try to hold on to them, but almost instantly I’m reminded that those days are gone, and there will not be any new memories together. It takes the breath right out of me.

Is this a cruel joke that grief plays - bringing a good memory one minute, only to crush it with reality the next? I want the memories. We had a good life together and I want to remember everything.

Maybe I need to feel this pain for now, let it wash over me when it comes, and hopefully I'll be able to move forward at some point.

Strength and peace to all.

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The bible teaches that "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it".  As much as I believe that statement,  I couldn't rejoice today - this has been an awful day for me thus far.  Last night I cried myself to sleep; this morning cried in the shower, cried when I went to my support group; cried afterwards when I went over to my sisters for coffee; cried at the restaurant celebrating one of my sister's birthday - cried seeing pictures of myself and my husband; cried on the ride home; cried when I came into the house; cried on the phone with a friend - you name it - I cried.  Just couldn't get him off my mind.:(

I feel so alone - so sick.  My sisters are bless to have their husbands still on this earth and sometimes just to hear the negative things they say about - hurts me so.   I  I tell them to love one another and tell each other that everyday.  That life is so short and to live each day as if it was their last.  I'd do anything to have my husband here but God saw fit to take him from me, from this world -  why -  I'll never know.  I know I must God, in his infinite wisdom, that everything will be OK.  The pain is excruciating and it hurts my entire being. 

I'll get through this excruciating pain - no, we all will get through this pain.  This is my prayer and God answers prayer.   God Bless us all; all we need do is open our hearts and let him in.  He'll do the rest.

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Sometimes some of the bible verses just don't seem to fit our current situation, but I remember the verse that talked about "if I go into the depths of hell, you are there..."  I think we've been there!  
Yes, I've been at this a long time, I don't know how it got to be so long when I didn't see how I could even live without him.  The phrase I use is "I coexist with grief"...it doesn't go away, it doesn't have an ending that I can "move on" from.  I hate the term "move on" no matter how someone intends it.  It seems to infer we leave them behind.  I will never leave him behind or forget him.  I prefer to use the term "continue".  Yes, choice of words do make a difference, semantics matter to all of us.  some words or phrases or cliches (or verses) strike us wrong, abruptly, while others we resonate with.  Choose your own choice of words that resonate with you and throw out the others, no one said we have to accept them. :)

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