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Sudden death of partner and trauma finding his body.


LaurenS

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Numb and Lost

I always hear they don't know see anything happening on Earth but I don't think that is entirely true. In the Bible there are a few instances of people in heaven asking God questions indiciating they do know. I seem to do better at night. Maybe it's because I have going to sleep to look forward to. I like that's time because I can just essentially leave here for a while. But it is so bad in the morning. I can't stand the emptiness morning brings, and just that feeling of "now what" now how do I just carry on like he was never here. It's a pretty day outside the first one we have had in weeks and I just have no drive to do anything. I try to prolong sleep as long as possible in the morning. I keep laying here even after I'm awake trying to sleep some more. That song really did bring me comfort. I think if that wasn't from God I don't know what is. I had just prayed if God could just tell him I missed and loved him, and somehow let me know he's ok and I would see him again someday. I mean I turned the radio right on to that song. I know I posted it but I have thoughts about each lyric. It said "I'm leaving to let you go, one day we will walk along the streets of gold" if he was alive I don't think we could have ever let each other go. But of course we both have families. I know he didn't want to break up his family and hurt his kids. I would have wanted to leave for him if he ever wanted that but I don't know if I could for fear and many other reasons. We pretty much would have lived in sin indefinitely. Thus "I'm leaving to let you go" and then of course my answer to seeing him again "we will walk the streets of gold." I know I can't stop living but I haven't been living since he died. The song says "all of the time you try and figure it out could be the moments you can't live without" it's like I constantly try and wrap my head around his death when I know there is no figuring it out and like the song says I could be missing moments, moments with my children etc. I feel it was straight from God to me. I think he has shown me many things to give me comfort. Of course it's still just so so hard. 

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Numb and Lost

Thank you.  I wish I wouldn't have even told some of the people confided in because they are so incapable of understanding and their only advice is "you have to let him go he's gone" well I will never let him go. 

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Numb and Lost,

You don't have to let him go.  Read the thread Mrs. Plummer wrote, I like that.

You keep saying he isn't yours, but yet he is, you had a relationship and even if you weren't married, it was a real relationship, you meant something to him and he to you, and his unexpectedly dying didn't alter that.  Hold onto what you learned and shared with each other, even though like all of us here your world is changed now, you can make it through this just like we are, and you won't have to go it alone, we're here.

And eat something.  Do it for me. ;)

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Numb and Lost

I've been a little better with eating today than yesterday. I've had a little junk but I figure junk is better than nothing. I appreciate all of you as I only have one friend that has been supportive. I have confided in a few close friends and two of them only said things to make me feel worse. 

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Numb and Lost, You are coping as well as you can at this time. Loss of a loved one and the grieving is a roller coaster ride. I don't have that much of a support system either but you have all of us here.

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My friends all disappeared when George died.  We eventually make new ones but it's hard to when you're deep in the throes of grief.  I did make a new one around the time of his death, but alas she's moved to TX now and I miss her so much.

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LaurenS and others who have been through this unimaginable experience, I'm sorry for your loss and unfortunately am a new member of this grief club. I'm here to take some measure of comfort and share where and how I can to comfort others. I so very much miss my dear wife and best friend. We met in 1997 when I was in my early twenties. I just had my 42nd birthday and the first birthday I truly felt alone. As with many of your experiences, it's hard to fathom how things get better but I can see from reading experiences from many others it will. I'm trying to keep an open mind about a brighter future as I know it will improve. I'm now on day +20 since this new chapter in my life started. I never expected to be in this reality. It still feels like it's not real and I know that is part of the grieving stages. As with many stories I've read I also did not have a actionable indication this was about to happen or explanation as to why my Wife decided she needed to end her physical and mental suffering. As i'm sure many of you are taking things day-by-day, trying to keep your mind occupied and struggling to figure our what's next and what does the future even look like. I feel I was fortunate to have some immediate support by family, neighbors and my sis arranged a suicide grief consoler to come over in the immediate days after. I believe talking to someone who was prepared to talk about this and had been there personally looking back was a huge comfort and what I needed at that time. I'm now in that phase of I know it happened, I cannot change it, how do I try to heal and get some sense of sanity back as I need to get back to work in the morning and it's now after 1am. I appreciate this forum and everyone sharing their darkest moment and encouragement, I am here to participate, hopefully start healing and try to help others as I know it will help my soul. 

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Kevin,

Welcome to this site, I hope you find comfort knowing you are here with others that understand loss and feel for you.  I am so sorry, it is beyond anything words can help with.  Suicide has with it an added dimension to deal with, as if death alone were not enough!  I'm glad you got a counselor that can help you through it and lots of supportive people.  Sometimes it's hard to know what another is thinking, just know it wasn't your fault and you likely couldn't have changed it.  I knew someone since he was a little boy, I used to teach sunday school to him, he was my friends' son, and he commit suicide.  Since I worked for them, I worked also with him in the office.  We knew he was depressed but they were getting him help, he was seeing a psychiatrist, on medicine, they were going to change it on Monday, but on the weekend he ended his life.  

We've learned that the missing them goes on forever, but amazingly we begin to process this grief and adjust.  The grief journey is for life but it doesn't stay in the intensity that it has in the beginning, little by little it evolves and we learn to build into our lives something we can live with.  It all takes time and effort.  Sometimes it feels exhausting.  I'm glad we have this place to come to, and each other to understand.

Come here any time.  Since we're all over the world, there's usually someone on line sooner or later.

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Kevin9

My heart felt condolences. This forum has many wonderful caring people who will listen, you will be heard here..I am sorry you are trying to cope with the pain of losing your best friend, your loving wife. It is a pain like no other. Our spouses were our constant companion, that special person we lived with and loved with, our future and their loss in our life leaves an empty void that cannot be filled. I have not personally experienced a loss by suicide. I can't imagine the heart ripping questions that must be going through your mind. Suicide is the permanent solution for a person's private, mental anguish. I am so sorry you are experiencing this and trying to figure out the why of it all. You were fortunate to have all the support you did and I hope that support continues on for you. That support is so important for the weeks, months ahead of you.Just remember to focus on breathing, hour by hour, day by day. This grieving journey is overwhelming so take care of yourself. Don't think about the future, we don't know what lies ahead of us and that too is overwhelming. Just take it day by day and do whatever feels right for you. You mention going back to work today. It will be hard to focus and I hope your coworkers will be understanding.

This forum has become my lifeline as I lack a support system. I truly don't know how I would be coping if it wasn't for this site. Prayers to you.

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Numb and Lost

So sorry for your loss Kevin. We all ask ourselves "why" and I can't even imagine how suicide intensifies that. I'm glad you were able to find comfort in a counselor. I went to see one but mostly just felt uncomfortable and while it wasn't totally unbeneficial I don't think I found it helpful enough to pay for it again. It has been a month for me now. It's hard to believe it's already been that long. Because of my situation this has been one of my only outlets to talk about my grief, and it has been helpful to me just to have somewhere that I can vent and talk about it. I have days where I feel kind of proud of myself now, proud that I'm even functioning, dressed and working. But I have overwhelming waves of grief, anger, confusion, numbness, that hit me all at once. I still have times that I feel like I feel like I can't breathe and I start questioning what can I do even though I know there is nothing I can do. My faith in a God and knowing he is there with him in a better place is the only thing that keeps me going. Every time I think about him being gone I tell myself no he isn't gone he moved but his soul continues even if I can't see him. I believe I will see him again someday. I do find myself obsessed with thinking about when I might see him again though. I should be focused on learning how to live again but it's hard. 

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