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Sudden death of partner and trauma finding his body.


LaurenS

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Cole and I had been partners/lovers for over a year. I am in my 30's and Cole in his 40's. Our relationship was turbulent, painful at times, but for the last 9 month we've spent almost all our time together. We ate our meals together, cooked for each other, slept next to each other most nights, made a lot of love, and shared in a lot of struggles. My life has not been an easy one, but Cole's struggles and pain, traumas from way back as a child, and into adulthood would break your heart. I loved him like family and I wanted him to be happy.

On December 15th Cole and I were texting on the phone while I was at work. The conversation dropped off suddenly though and I'd assumed he had gone to sleep. He had said he'd lost his phone charger too, and that his phone would die. The next day I was working and expected him to contact me but he didn't. By the 17th I was extremely worried but I never imagined what actually happened until I let myself into his apartment. He was lying on the floor next to his desk. He had died on the 15th, two days earlier. The autopsy/toxicology report is not back yet.

It's been almost a month now. It's like a bomb went off. I feel different and it's hard to believe I won't always feel different. I feel empty. I can't stop crying. I don't feel joy in anything. The first two weeks I was only in shock. The image of Cole when I found his body was in my head at all times. I thought it would be different. I thought I would sleep at night, wake up each morning and there would be a moment before I remembered what happened but it wasn't like that. The second I wake up, every few hours, the image is in my head. A week or two ago I finally began to remember Cole outside of that image. I've been trying not to isolate but I mostly just want to be by myself. I'm uncomfortable around people because I don't have much to say anymore.

I haven't met or been able to talk to anyone who's been through something quite like this. What I mean by that is being fairly young, having your partner die suddenly and discovering their body. I feel like it would help a lot if I heard from someone who's been through the same thing or similar. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. Much love to all of you.

Ls

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I am sorry for your loss and that you had to be the one to find him. Everyone in here has lost the one they loved.  All of us had different ways it happened, but I know many had participants here were the ones to discover their partners or spouses.  

I hope you can read and share what you need here as you will find true understanding.

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LaurenS, So sorry for the loss of your partner. So sorry you were the one to find him, esp., 2 days later. It is extremely difficult to get the image out of your head. My suggestion is when the image comes in, say to yourself, stop. Block out the image the best you can. Our loved ones do not want us to dwell on those images and their passing. Replace a bad image with a good memory.

My husband passed from an instant heart attack. Happened during the night. He must have gotten up for the bathroom. I discovered him in the morning when I got up. It took awhile for me to get past that.

You have found a good forum here. We listen and understand your pain. There are many stages of grieving and we will be here for you. Carry Cole's love and memories in your heart as he would want you to. Prayers, love and peace.

 

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Lauren,

I am so sorry, it must have been quite a shock.  I didn't "discover the body" he went to the hospital and after I found out and got there, he started having cardiac arrest and I ran for the nurses, they threw me out, locked the door and when I was praying for him, they came and told me he was dead.  I will never forget a moment of that time, but I hope the pain lessens for you with time.  The missing them never goes away, the love continues, but the intensity of pain does gradually lessen as we begin to adjust...it's just so hard to take it in and process it.

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LaurenS

I know your pain and what you must be feeling.   I too lost the love of my life a little over 6 weeks ago and I still feel numb. Know what the two of you shared will always be; no one and nothing can ever take that away.  Don't ever be afraid to mourn him, love and honor him.  It's whats expected and good for our healing process.  My prayer is for you to find God's overwhelming love, strength and inner peace.  Open your heart and invite him in; he'll  to the rest. 

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LaurenS, I'm so sorry you had to experience something so traumatic. I also struggle with the last image of my boyfriend and his last words. I watched him go into cardiac arrest and I heard the "death rattle" coming from him. It haunts me all day and all night. I'm scared to sleep or be alone because that's all I see and hear when I close my eyes. What's helping me is staying busy. I run errands with everyone just to keep moving. I'm happy I was there in his last moments but man the pain is unbearable. Sometimes I can't even look our 6 month old son in his eyes because I can see him. It's sad. I'm so sorry. I will continue to pray that God gives us the strength we need to survive. God Bless.

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Thank you all very much. Today was the worst day I've had. I had a horrible nightmare this morning, one I don't even want to repeat, and it feels like the day after I found Cole all over again but without the numbness of shock. I think staying busier would help me but my energy is very limited I'm finding. I work in Vancouver and my parents live a few hours away. I just want to go stay with them, I live by myself, but I need to work. I know this is a roller coaster and I just have to ride it out and reach out for help. That's all I can do. I work in a homeless shelter and it's actually a nice environment to be in right now. It's like my second home.

Thank you again. Tons of love to you all.

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Lauren,

I'm glad you have a job you love, that's so important, having supportive caring people around you.  I wish you lived closer to your parents, maybe you could spend a long weekend with them or they could come visit you? 

I'm sorry you had that nightmare, it's so hard to relive those moments.  Because the nurse at the hospital threw me out of the ward and locked the door behind me when he was dying, that has haunted me.  I wanted to be there for him when he passed.  We were always there for each other and it hurts me that I couldn't be there when he reached his most momentous moment, that of passage from this life to the next.  I wanted to be a strength and a comfort to him.  I worry that he didn't know I was thrown out, that he thought I ditched him when he needed me most.  He was in so much pain!  But then, maybe he needed to face this alone, I don't know.  I just know I can't forgive that horrid nurse.  I was his little one, I should have been able to be by his side when he died.  Perhaps the hospital thought it might be too graphic for me to see them with the paddles trying to save his life...that is not what I would have focused on, I would have focused on HIM.  

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LaurenS--Prayers of love and peace.

We all have those moments, nightmares. Our minds go to places we wish they didn't. I woke up crying after 1:30am. Called my daughter who stays up at night and talked to her for 2 hours. She's the only one I can call and listens and understands. Thank God for her.

Sleep can be so hard to come by and having a nightmare makes me wish I didn't have to ever sleep. But yet, being awake with a racing mind doesn't help either. This journey of grief is so hard.

Hang in there Lauren.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Lauren,

I'm glad you have a job you love, that's so important, having supportive caring people around you.  I wish you lived closer to your parents, maybe you could spend a long weekend with them or they could come visit you? 

I'm sorry you had that nightmare, it's so hard to relive those moments.  Because the nurse at the hospital threw me out of the ward and locked the door behind me when he was dying, that has haunted me.  I wanted to be there for him when he passed.  

He knew you were there. 

My husband worked in a hospital before he passed.  He talked a lot about having to throw out families when they coded.  He said it was 2-fold.  One reason was it was traumatic for the family.  Doing full CPR often involves bones breaking.  Using paddles is awful as well.  The second part is the safety involved.  Safety for the family and medical staff.  Sometimes family would jump in disrupting what medical staff were doing and endangering the patient or themselves when paddles or needles or other things were involved.  So while it seems callus as you wanted to be there for him, they had good reasons.

I can say with a surety though, your husband did not think you left him during his need. 

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Lauren

So sorry for your loss, and to all of you suffering your loss, life can be encredibly cruel.

I too found my boyfriends body heres my story, 10 years ago aged 41 i met the love of my life, he was funny, charming, kind, i adored him, we were together for 3yr before breaking up, the reason being we both had issues from our past relationships, i guess you could say we both met the right person it was just the wrong time, i was hearbroken for a while but had to get on with life and foolishly i met and rushed into marrying another man, he was an abusive drinker and made my life torture for the 18 months we were together so i left him and was on my own a while. Two years ago just before christmas i was in a local bar and in walked the love of my life again, from that day we were never much apart, we made up for the time we were apart, he moved in with me almost immediatley, and i can honestly say they were the happiest 2yr of my life, we made so many plans for our future, life was wonderful, then then the accident.

Nov 20th 2016, he went to a football match with his brother and friends, he ended up having fun, staying out all day drinking, he phoned me 7pm to tell me of a good day he'd had and that he wouldnt be too long before he was home, that was our last conversation. I went to bed, fell asleep and then an almighty thud, he had just got in and fallen down our stairs, i rushed down to him to find him face down unconcious at the bottom of the stairs with blood coming from his ear, the paramedics gave him cpr and got his heart starting again but he died in hospital in intensive care on dec 2nd, he had a massive brain stem injury and a broken neck, he was 55 yrs old, I like you cannot get the trauma out of my head and am struggling to cope with my grief, how can life be so cruel, to be so happy with each other and to have him taken away so suddenly in this way, i am lost and lonely and miss his love and his touch so much it is pure torture and i do not know how i am going to get through this loss.

 

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Meesh,

Life is pretty brutal.  I am sorry for the loss of your love.  

I don't know how we get thru this either, I just know we do.  One moment at a time. 

My heart is with you and your loss.

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I know, people keep telling me things will get better, its a weird feeling but i'm going thru the motions of life and its like i'm numb and feel as though everythings in slow motion, everyone around me is getting on with their lives and i'm left with this pain on my own, i want to run away from the pain or someone tell me they can take it away from me but i know its just a stupid thought. Sometimes i wish i'd have died at the same time and then we would be together and i wouldnt feel like this.

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Numb and Lost

I didn't find his body. I am in a complicated situation. We were both married to other people. He text me and I never got the chance to respond. It was wrong and I have a lot of guilt about it all but he was the love of my life. I found out on Facebook he was gone. He was in an accident. Although I didn't find him I can't stop imagining it. I imagine him going down the road, what he was thinking right before he crashed. He was out there for hours before anyone found him. I just imagine him laying there, wondering if it was instant or if he was just lying there suffering. Every night I dream about finding out he died all over again. In my dreams he dies a different way sometimes. Sometimes in my dream I hear he's been in an accident but there is hope and I wake up and it hits all over again and I feel like I'm suffocating and I start shaking. I hurt so much I feel like I just don't want to be here. I can't imagine never feeling the way he made me feel again and never seeing his beautiful smile. I have nothing to remember him by. A screenshot of a text and pictures that's it, and no one to share memories with. 

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I feel for you not having anything to remember him by, and how awful to find out on facebook,. You may never know what actually happened and its better not knowing its too painful, just try and focus on your happy times together as i do and try keep busy, hopefully some day you will have them feelings  again i hope so for both of us because even though 90 percent of me has this gut wrenching pain the other 10 percent has hope and i do believe in the fairy tale and a happy ending, surely after what we have all been thru we deserve some happy times in the future, life cannot be so cruel to deny us that. Try keep strong and take care of yourself and the people that care for you because the time with the people we love is so precious and as we know none of us know what we have to face in this cruel life .

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Not sure things get better, but they get easier.  You learn to live with the pain and cry less often.  

I am almost at 5 months since my loving husband died and I still ache and I still cry every day.  But some days I only cry once....some days I cry off and on the whole day.  

I am not sure how I made it this long, but I did and I know every day I will still miss my love, but life goes on, whether we want it to or not.

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Numb and lost

I understand you. I am going through something like that too. My love died on 13 November 2016 due to a drowning accident. He was discovered on 14 November. I can't stop thinking what would have happened to him between that one day. Sometimes I even have dreams that he is drowning all over again and asking for help. Sometimes in dream I feel his pain and how he felt at that time. 

I wanted to be there for him at that time. Maybe I could not save him, but my presence would lessen his pain so much.  

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Emiliza

Sorry for your pain, your right life does have to go on and your words are comforting, when you say you cry less often and learn to live with the pain, that takes a true inner strength, i dont know your personal life but ive got a daughter and a son and they keep me going i feel as though i have to live for them, i am a bit paranoid at minute when there out and about i keep checking on them, i have constant thoughts of accidents now and know that a tragic few seconds can change your life forever. It is nice to read words from people that are going through similar situation to me because as good as my sister , kids and friends have been they cant understand the feelings we have because it hasnt happened to them and i hope and pray for them that they never do have to go through the pain that weve been dealt .

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12 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I have a lot of guilt about it all but he was the love of my life.

We love who we love.  I believe as you do, but I also know the power of the heart.  He may not have wanted to break up his family, that's a powerful thing to live with particularly when you have kids and it affects them and their lives, but I'm sure he felt the same way as you did.  How could you have stopped yourself from loving him if he was the love of your life?  Had you fought it off and not gone there, the rest of your life you'd be wondering about him and you'd never get your mind off him.  Yet here we all are, still in the same boat, still left wondering about them, never able to get our minds off them.  God forgives and understands our human nature...ask Him and it's over and done with.  No need to beat yourself up!  We may be able to stop our actions but we don't have such control over our feelings. 

Meesh,

I am so sorry, what a horribly traumatic way to lose him.  I can understand those haunting vivid memories.  Seeing my husband just before he died...the look in his eyes, how they bugged out, what distress he had!  He went the way he never wanted to go.  I've heard people say they don't want to die of cancer (I'm one of them) but he explicitly expressed he didn't want to die of a heart attack, he had witnessed several people who had.  It's too bad he had to go the way he didn't want to.  

I'm glad you were able to reconnect and I am so sorry it was such a short time.  George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months to the day.  He was the love of my life!  We met in our mid forties, it was as if we spent our lifetime in unfulfilling relationships and when we met we clicked!  It was as if each other were the one we'd been yearning for our whole lives.  We were so happy together!  It was the happiest time of my life and I know it was his.  I have a note above my computer that he wrote on a card he'd given me with some flowers on Valentine's Day, it says, "Little One, You are the one who made it all come true for me.  You're the best!  TAT (thru all time), George.  It has the smiley face he always drew that was so cute.  How I love that man!

10 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

I wanted to be there for him at that time. Maybe I could not save him, but my presence would lessen his pain so much.  

That's how I felt.  I don't care what reasons the hospital had for throwing me out, I would have stood out of the way, I just wanted to be present for him.  He was in so much pain I don't think he could comprehend what they were doing, by throwing me out or by trying to get his heart going.  He was worn out, he needed to go, he couldn't bear any more, I knew that.  I just wanted to be present as he was ushered into the next life...the same way we were always there for each other.  We were one, connected, it's how it was with us.

11 hours ago, Emeliza said:

Not sure things get better, but they get easier.

I've heard you say this many times before, and it's a favorite of mine, now I say it too.  It's a good way of putting it.  It seems unfathomable, but we do adjust, bit by bit.
 

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Because Cole had been deceased for 48 hours I did not want to be close to his body and I have guilt about that. He was bloated, starting to smell. He was a very strange color. I knew that the more time I spent looking at him the more trauma and imagery I would have to deal with. But I still feel guilty, both about not going to his apartment earlier, and about not touching him or saying goodbye to him when I found him. There are so many confusing feelings. I wish it didn't happen like it did. I wish I was there when he died or at least shortly after. The imagery has been intruding on me again the last two days after the nightmare I had. I look all over the internet to try and find writing from people who've found a loved one days after death, but I can't find a thing. It was different than viewing at a funeral or identifying a body. It was finding out he died and seeing, smelling his body all at the same time. The most horrible moment of my life and it feels like yesterday.

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Lauren, I am so sorry for your loss, and for the memory you'll have. I, too, found my wife after she had passed away from a ruptured cerebral aneurysm. It was only the next morning, but she was cold and blue. Didn't stop me from administering CPR until paramedics arrived, but I think I knew throughout that it wasn't going to bring her back. 

The image will live with me forever. It's been a little over 4 months, and she is still the first thing I think of every day. 

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Kayc

Thanks for the kind words, i'm sorry you wasnt with your husband at the end it must have been difficult for you, i at least had that because he was an organ doner so me and his 2 daughters were with him when they took his breathing tube out and he peacefully passed away, we couldnt stay with him long cos the transplant team were waiting, his organs helped 2 people live that day and i am so proud of him for that. You and your husband was meant to be together like me and my boyfriend, we were both at our happiest together same as you and i cant get my head around why it happened, what have i done wrong to deserve such a loss, i lost my father 11 yrs ago, i divorced my first husband 10yr ago after a 20yr marriage and  3 yr ago i lost my dear mum to cancer and as difficult as all that was, this is a different level of pain as only all you people can know the depth of how it feels .

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Meesh, You have endured much loss in your life, I'm so sorry. Loss of a loved one of any type of a relationship is so very hard. Words can seem so inadequate to convey in an appropriate way. We just know we are in pain, we are lonely and there is the void our loved one left behind. Our hearts and our life as we knew are shattered.We have no where to go to escape the grieving that we must go through. we can only struggle to get through one day at a time, hopefully with the loving support of family and friends. Take care of yourself---prayers and hugs to you.

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18 hours ago, Meesh said:

what have i done wrong to deserve such a loss

It's nothing you've done wrong.  I don't believe it happens for some "reason", I think it just happens, it's part of life, we all die and we can't predict when or how.  I'm sorry, I know that isn't much of an answer, but I long ago quit asking why because I never got any answers...there aren't any that I can see.  Still, it's easier for me to take that it randomly happens than there is some big plan with God scheming to get me...I don't believe that.  I don't think God is out to punish me for some imaginary wrong or out to get me or doesn't care.  In fact, quite the opposite, He's been there for me through it all, maybe not with answers, but to walk through it with me and put his arms around me as I've faced this most horrendous loss, this hardest time in my life that is ongoing although evolving.

 

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Numb and Lost
2 hours ago, KayC said:

It's nothing you've done wrong.  I don't believe it happens for some "reason", I think it just happens, it's part of life, we all die and we can't predict when or how.  I'm sorry, I know that isn't much of an answer, but I long ago quit asking why because I never got any answers...there aren't any that I can see.  Still, it's easier for me to take that it randomly happens than there is some big plan with God scheming to get me...I don't believe that.  I don't think God is out to punish me for some imaginary wrong or out to get me or doesn't care.  In fact, quite the opposite, He's been there for me through it all, maybe not with answers, but to walk through it with me and put his arms around me as I've faced this most horrendous loss, this hardest time in my life that is ongoing although evolving.

 

I keep telling myself that our time here is but a mist and one day I'll see him in heaven and this time of trouble will all seem so short. God's thoughts aren't our thoughts but higher than ours. I know everything he does is part of his plan that we can't understand. But it still doesn't take my sadness away. I'm so scared now I will miss enjoying my kids grow up because I am so depressed every single day. I feel like I force myself just to live every day. I cant imagine me feeling happy again because I know there could never be anyone that made me feel like he did. And also I'm married so it's not like I'd be looking for someone. I just feel so so hopeless. I don't look at his pics for a while because it hurts so much but then I have to because I want to see his eyes and his smile, and then I just break down. I think of that Winnie the Pooh quote "how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" and that hurts because he wasn't mine. I want something of his so badly. I hope she starts selling his stuff on Facebook I'm so desperate to have something of his to hold. 

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You still have the love, feelings, memories, you two shared. I know it is not enough but no one can take all that away from you. So sorry you are dealing with your loss by yourself. I'm praying for you to eventually find some peace for yourself.

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You will feel happiness again, but it will be different...it is carried with the grief.  Remember I've said I coexist with my grief?  That is what is meant by that, your grief is underlying in everything within your life, but you do experience moments of happiness too.  It's so important to keep trying for your kids' sake.  It hasn't been that long, give yourself time to process all this.

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Numb and Lost

I'm definitely still in not one but all the stages of grief. Having trouble with acceptance. I mean it isn't that I'm dellusional I know it's true, but sometimes when I do have normal moments in my day it's because for some reason in the back orang head I think he's still here. But then I think oh yeah I will NEVER see him again. I think about his last moments over and over. I imagine them. I try it take comfort that I will see him in heaven one day, but I feel like that won't be soon for me. I feel like I'll be here until I'm 105. I want to feel better but at the same time I'm so scared of forgetting his voice and how he made me feel. I sit on my couch the last place I sat at when I facetimed him and I can still feel how his smile made me feel. It is so hard to accept that I will never see him again. Every time I think about it I just start crying and breathing so fast and just having a panic attack. And it's so hard to go about my day like nothing is wrong when I'm just dying inside. I look at his parents and siblings pages and see comments about how he's loved and missed and some days they make it ok and some days they don't. I wish so badly I could take comfort with someone who misses him too. I don't know whether to keep looking ar his pics and their pages, or if I should try not to look and to push it all out of my head. Over and over I tell myself he isn't gone he continues on in heaven and he's happy and perfect now. But I'm scared he won't know me in heaven due to me knowing him out of sin, and also I know there is no marriage or love relationships in heaven. I've studied so much about it in the Bible since he's been gone. I've worried maybe he isn't there. But I know he was saved and struggled with guilt of what we were doing just like I was. It is kind of uncomforting that we will have different types of relationships in heaven but I know we can't comprehend any of that and how we will feel. But I just know how I feel now. My friend believes in signs from loved ones, but of course the Bible says there is no contact. I asked God to tell him I missed him and maybe we can know each other the right way there someday whatever way that might be. I feel like if I was older I could handle it a little better. But being 34 that's so long to have to wait. I wanted to go sit where I used to meet him at because I feel close to him there but then again I think why? He doesn't know I'm here. I replay his voice all the time in my head so I don't forget it but I may be making myself worse. I have a few close friends that know. But I feel like most don't understand. I feel like if someone has not had that kind of intense feelings for someone yet in his/her lifetime then they can't even comprehend it. I have friends who have "loved" many. Well that isn't me. I keep feeling like God is speaking to me telling me he has plans for me. I see verses everywhere lately. Every time I open Facebook I see verses and devotionals that seem to directly apply to me. Even one about restoring what has been lost. I can't imagine that though cause he can't come back. It's hard not to get angry sometimes and wonder why some of us endure so much. I had plenty of trials without having even met him. I couldn't even describe some of the hell I've already went through. I wonder sometimes why I had to meet him and then hurt like this at all. Well I've really given this forum and earful. It's basically my only outlet. I just feel so so alone. 

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Numb and Lost

I also feel like if circumstances had been right and he had been mine I could carry the grief with me better. It's just such an awful situation. 

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You are not alone when you are on this site. You truly loved, therefore you truly grieve. Whereas there are many stages to grieving, I, for one, just consider it all as grieving, Yes, you can experience the various emotions all at the same time. The grieving process is a journey. A journey that will last in some way the rest of our lives. We will carry our love and memories with us, in our hearts always. Acceptance is one of the hardest aspects of losing a loved one. One minute that person is there, and the next they are gone. It is a shock and takes a long time to come to terms with.

Please don't think about and imagine what his last moments were like. There is no reason for you to dwell on that, it makes the grieving even more overwhelming. We all cross over in some way, we just don't know when or how. We wish to cross over of old age quietly in our sleep. The reality is, most of us don't. Life is, what it is.

If your circumstances had been a situation where you could have been really together , the grieving would be just as devastating. There is no way it could be *carried* better when you are in love.

Keep praying to God. He does hear you. He'll pass on messages of love for you. Since you have been noticing verses/devotionals lately, God is hearing you and sending you His answers. You mention even seeing one about recovering what has been lost. Maybe God is directing you to take your love back into your family. Your lost loved one might have come into your life to teach you that lesson. I am just speculating on what you said about the verse, so please, don't be angry. God does His work in mysterious ways. You have children, direct your love onto them. There are love relationships in Heaven. Heaven is all about love. Prayers of peace to you.

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Numb and Lost

Thank you.  It's so strange how sometimes I can go to bed at night and feel a little peace and then I wake in the morning with that terrible emptiness. I went to the grave last night for the first time. I don't think it made it really any worse or better. I was kind of rushed and I had a friend go with me. Had I been alone I probably would have stayed longer and had a bigger melt down. There is a part of me that is so scared of acceptance and letting go. I already feel like he's slipping away. Every day that passes makes him seem further away. Right now my memories are so vivid I can feel them. I dread when the memories feel old and distant. 

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I don't think acceptance is something we strive for, but rather it's something that occurs like an undercurrent in it's own way, in it's own time.  It's not something we have to "do".  Little by little reality seeps in of its own accord.

You say 

18 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

if circumstances had been right and he had been mine I could carry the grief with me better

But the relationship the two of you had together was yours...and his.  No one can take that away.  Don't compare your relationship to others, it was complete in and of itself, it is what you knew and at the time that was enough, so it is now too.
I doubt you will live to 105, this made me smile because I know all too well what you meant...the truth is, our being reunited isn't soon enough for any of us!  We are impatient, unwilling to wait day by day for what will surely come.  We are in an "instant" world where we push a button and something happens NOW!  We aren't creatures trained to wait for a promise of what's to come.  But perhaps this instant gratification world has done us a disservice...I think people used to be more accustomed to waiting and living by faith.  It's something we must develop and work on within ourselves.

You don't have to "let go", you instead learn to incorporate grief into your life, it becomes a part of you, just as your everyday existence is part of you.  We are multifaceted and we have just become even more faceted.

He only slips away if you let him slip away.  I keep George in my memories, he is on my mind continually, ever important.  It's been 11 1/2 years for me and yet I still remember his smell, or how I felt when he held me.  It was heaven!  I have not experienced that since his death, and yet I remember like it was yesterday.  He is not slipping away from me.  Every day that passes I am one day closer to being with him forever.

Remember to take one day at a time and not take on the whole "rest of your life", it's  too much right now.  Believe me when I tell you that one day slips into another, and another, until years have passed.  You are young, but I am 64 and I can assure you, life passes by so quickly, it's amazing.  Ask anyone whose kids are grown and gone!  Yesterday they were born, then you ran them around to sports activities and helped them with their math, you went through their teen years and dating, launched them into adulthood...they got married, had kids of their own, where did it all go?  How can it be?  So it will continue with the rest of our lives, like we're on a merry-go-round, life going by faster and faster.  Our hair turns grey, we spot wrinkles, our eyesight and hearing diminish, we wonder where the young lithe body went that we used to have...oh believe me, life passes, faster than you think!  And we're still us inside.

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16 minutes ago, KayC said:

I don't think acceptance is something we strive for, but rather it's something that occurs like an undercurrent in it's own way, in it's own time.  It's not something we have to "do".  Little by little reality seeps in of its own accord.

You say 

But the relationship the two of you had together was yours...and his.  No one can take that away.  Don't compare your relationship to others, it was complete in and of itself, it is what you knew and at the time that was enough, so it is now too.
I doubt you will live to 105, this made me smile because I know all too well what you meant...the truth is, our being reunited isn't soon enough for any of us!  We are impatient, unwilling to wait day by day for what will surely come.  We are in an "instant" world where we push a button and something happens NOW!  We aren't creatures trained to wait for a promise of what's to come.  But perhaps this instant gratification world has done us a disservice...I think people used to be more accustomed to waiting and living by faith.  It's something we must develop and work on within ourselves.

You don't have to "let go", you instead learn to incorporate grief into your life, it becomes a part of you, just as your everyday existence is part of you.  We are multifaceted and we have just become even more faceted.

He only slips away if you let him slip away.  I keep George in my memories, he is on my mind continually, ever important.  It's been 11 1/2 years for me and yet I still remember his smell, or how I felt when he held me.  It was heaven!  I have not experienced that since his death, and yet I remember like it was yesterday.  He is not slipping away from me.  Every day that passes I am one day closer to being with him forever.

Remember to take one day at a time and not take on the whole "rest of your life", it's  too much right now.  Believe me when I tell you that one day slips into another, and another, until years have passed.  You are young, but I am 64 and I can assure you, life passes by so quickly, it's amazing.  Ask anyone whose kids are grown and gone!  Yesterday they were born, then you ran them around to sports activities and helped them with their math, you went through their teen years and dating, launched them into adulthood...they got married, had kids of their own, where did it all go?  How can it be?  So it will continue with the rest of our lives, like we're on a merry-go-round, life going by faster and faster.  Our hair turns grey, we spot wrinkles, our eyesight and hearing diminish, we wonder where the young lithe body went that we used to have...oh believe me, life passes, faster than you think!  And we're still us inside.

Yeah it's funny before this happened I was worried life was going by to quickly. I have a teen and a younger child, and it seems they were babies yesterday. I cried when I thought about it. Now it feels so slow. Well it feels slow and fast at the same time. I get really upset when I think about his kids. He loved them so much and was so close to them. I guess sometimes I don't know if it is right for me to cling to his memory as what we were doing was wrong. But I don't remember the wrong things when I think of him I just remember his hug, his smile, and his light he radiated. I got a little diet from his grave which seems really silly but I just needed something. I have an extended family member that knows his family and she said she might could get me something of his on down the road. I think she might have just been saying that to make me feel better right now but I still hope maybe she can. He had his hand resting around my door handle once when we were sitting inside of my car and sometimes I just sit and hold that spot cause I know his hand was there. I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel sorry for him because he is perfect now in a perfect place, but it's hard not to. I can think help but look at his wife's page, and wonder if she will move on and remarry if I will look at her page one day and she will have a new last name. As strange as it seems even that saddens me somewhat. Having an affair and loving someone this way brings about some of the strangest feelings but especially now. I know she is a special person despite any problems they had. It's like because I know he loved her too I worry about her. I guess that's just who I am. I wish I could feel for my husband the same way and the way I used to. He is my best friend but it isn't the same way I loved him. The one who died was the love of my life that could just never be. I'm mourning him as well as the possibility of us. It's just hard to think about living so many years without ever feeling that again.  I've prayed for God to restore my feelings for my husband while allowing me to keep his memory too. It seems hard to feel the same way after someone hasn't let you down so many times. I honestly dont think anyone would have stayed and given a sense many chances as I have. I know he is trying though. Before I met the man that died I knew I was missing something and ever since he came into my life I felt I found it. Now I'm just where I was before. I listen to that song that says "I have a God sized hole" and I know that's what I have now. I know He can fill it. I can't speculate why God does what he does. But sometimes I think he did this to draw me away from sin and closer to him. As long as he was alive I think we would have always gravitated back to each other. We just couldn't stay away. I feel like struggle with this being real from the time I get up til I go to sleep. I just push myself to exist through each day. 

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3 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

There is a part of me that is so scared of acceptance and letting go

Of course you're scared; we all are.  Acceptance of a loved one's passing is so hard and difficult - it goes against our normal and affects our head, our heart and our spirit.    We think of it as not being "real' and yet we know it is. You may not be there yet, but your're closer than you were yesterday.   We don't know what the future brings, but we know who holds our future - GOD.   Sometimes in tragedy, we find out what our life's purpose is.  

 

3 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Right now my memories are so vivid I can feel them. I dread when the memories feel old and distant. 

Memories are one of the best legacies we can hold on to; some will make you laugh while others will make your cry.   Treasure them that comfort you but explore those that may trouble you.  As strange as it may seem, difficult memories have their own healing. When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. I pray your memories don't fade.  

God Bless and keep you safe.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

 You are young, but I am 64 and I can assure you, life passes by so quickly, it's amazing.

I can relate.  I too am 64 and it seems like yesterday that my husband and I were married - we were 20 years old.  Life passes in a blink of an eye.  Enjoy life's little things for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  As we age we begin to not remember days, but remember moments instead. Love is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.   Life is a gift and is what we make of it, always has been and always will be.  We're here for only a short time, an experience God wanted us to have.  Live, Love and Let God.   God Bless. 

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Keeping trust and faith in God will see us all through. God is the only constant in our lives. He loves us , hears our prayers and protects us. In time, His answers and directions will make themselves known. We have only to be still and listen.

Granted, every word is so easy to say, so much harder to follow through on, incorporate into our minds and believe.

I remember so vividly the day I first met my husband, a little over 25 years ago. I don't remember every single moment of every day since, but the special moments of those days I do. All the special times. The years did go by so quickly. Now, it seems the days crawl so slowly. Maybe in 10 years I will be able to look back onto these current days and say, huh, that time passed so quickly also.But, I don't think about the future, I keep it blocked out because I miss my husband so much and cannot perceive a future without him, it is so overwhelming and painful. I can only do this one day at a time.

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It's very hard to think about the future. I always felt like even if we stopped seeing each other I would know he was there and know we were thinking of each other. I also hoped though maybe in the future somehow someway we would be together. I even thought maybe one day when we were old it could be right. I just really felt like I met him for a reason and one day I would know why. But I just sit here crying holding my bag of dirt from his grave as that's all I have. 

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On 1/18/2017 at 0:55 PM, Numb and Lost said:

... I think he's still here. But then I think oh yeah I will NEVER see him again.

I do this a lot. Just today I saw something a couple of months out on a calendar, and my first thought was "We're going to enjoy that." That thought was immediately replaced with the realization that she won't be there with me. It seems like each new day, the moment it dawns on me that she is gone, my heart doesn't recover. Sometimes it's the first thing that hits me when I wake up, sometimes it waits until I'm up and moving, but it never fails to cast its shadow over the rest of the day from that moment on. I know it's early still, but it seems to me like that will be the story of me for the rest of my life.

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46 minutes ago, 4Hdad said:

 

I do this a lot. Just today I saw something a couple of months out on a calendar, and my first thought was "We're going to enjoy that." That thought was immediately replaced with the realization that she won't be there with me. It seems like each new day, the moment it dawns on me that she is gone, my heart doesn't recover. Sometimes it's the first thing that hits me when I wake up, sometimes it waits until I'm up and moving, but it never fails to cast its shadow over the rest of the day from that moment on. I know it's early still, but it seems to me like that will be the story of me for the rest of my life.

Its always the worst for me in the morning. It's like for a split second when I wake up I feel like me but then I remember and I feel empty inside.  I don't feel like the same person I used to be at all, just a shadow of my formal self.  I keep thinking about stuff I'm going to tell him when I get the chance. The thing is I did that when he was alive. If we went a while without talking I would have things I had been thinking about I wanted to say. I continue to do that only I will never get to say anything again. I used to be really active, a runner, worked out a lot, and now I struggle to eat food most days. I tried to make myself do some of those things but I just don't care and since I can barely eat I don't have the energy.  I feel like it doesn't matter if I look pretty or not because he isn't here to see me. 

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I've been mostly keeping the radio off in my car because I just don't want to hear it. I turned it on this morning and this song is what was on.

IMG_8742.PNG

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That's a beautiful poem.  Only l don't think of love as something that dies, to me it's the one part that survives death.

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21 minutes ago, KayC said:

That's a beautiful poem.  Only l don't think of love as something that dies, to me it's the one part that survives death.

I took the song as meaning the temporal act of love, the physical part.  

I agree, love doesn't end.

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17 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

I took the song as meaning the temporal act of love, the physical part.  

I agree, love doesn't end.

Yes I think that's what it think means too. Mine definitely hasn't ended. 

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Love is what keeps us going here on earth and the basic will of survival. When a loved one passes over to Heaven, they take the love with them. That is why when it is our turn, we are reunited with them, because of the love bond. I love my kids and my pets, that is what is keeping me going. I have to relearn self love. I loved myself and took care of myself when my husband was here. My heart went with my husband when he passed, I feel my soul left with him also. I have to find myself again and all that love and care I gave to my husband when he was physically here, I need to start giving it to myself. This is by far not an easy process, I stumble and fall many times. I try to keep in my mind, my husband still loves me and wants me to do my best until I see him again.

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I have small glimpses of hope and then I feel like I can't go on. Right now is one of those times. I'm weak from not eating well and I guess just from being so depressed. I think it makes my body ill. I just can't find the strength to even get dressed hardly. I feel like I just don't care about anything and I just feel so alone. I have no connection to him. I wish I was able to cry with someone else that loved him. This is the only place I can even vent I'm pretty sure my few friends that do know are sick of me, and they just don't understand. I just don't know how to make myself get up and find joy. I try but I fail. I read the Bible and read scripture and devotionals and feel a bit better but I get bad again. He's everything I ever wanted and he was never truly mine. 

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I feel it is just human nature to want what we cannot have. My husband and I had 25 years together and I feel that wasn't long enough. He had medical conditions and was worn out and God said it is time for him to go Home. I cherish those years that we were together but it is also human nature to feel selfish and wish that we had had a longer time together. My husband's life work and experiences were done but God wants me here yet to finish whatever it is I have to do yet.

Numb and Lost, your lover came into your life for a reason that will become known to you eventually. His life work was done but he still loves you from Heaven. Eventually, you will take that experience of loving him and grow from it. I know you are hurting, as we all are. Nothing makes sense now, but it all will when it's our turn to  go to Heaven.

 

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I commented on the other post before reading this one about this life being just a mist. Right now that's what gets me through. I know that isn't how we are supposed to live though. I know God wants me to find joy. I just keep asking him how and hope he shows me. Im a different person now, and when I walk outside I see the world differently. Can't explain it but I'm sure you know what I mean. 

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We ARE different people since we are experiencing loss and the tragic aftermath with all of its pain and loneliness. Because our loss has changed us, we also view life differently. Heaven is all around us in the outside world. The sky, the sun and clouds, the trees, the birds, the wind. That is all Heaven created by God and our loved ones are in spirit form walking it with us.

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I've been doing a lot of reading to bring me comfort and help me understand more. It is said that Heaven is only 3 feet above the ground. It is a different dimension interwoven with earth. I guess it is why some people *feel* the presence of their loved one around and notice other signs. When we have a good dream about our loved one, it is their way of showing us they are with us and are fine. It is why it is said that Heaven is all around us.

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