Baby Steps

[Francine]

It's been a month and 6 days since I lost the love of life.  While I still miss him with all my being, I thought it was time to try and take another baby step.  Tried taking baby steps previously (going to the grocery store and church) but both were disastrous.  I cried rivers both time.   While my 32 year old son is still at home, he had been working and neither he or his sister wanted me to stay alone.   I've been staying with my daughter for the last week and wanted to return to our home (my husband and myself).  Of course my daughter wanted me to take more time before returning home, but I thought it as time to try another baby step.  

Well so far so good - I've not (so far) cried any rivers and actually feel good about being home again.  It almost seems like I'm closer to him and that is a good, really good feeling.  Of course my daughter has called three times already and I just got home at 6:00 PM.  I know she's just concern, and I love her for that. 

I pray God allows me to make it though this baby step and ones to follow. 

 

[Symon]

Dear Francine, I read your thread and my heart went out to you. I lost my wife and best friend of 35 years suddenly on New Year's Day morning. The grocery store I get, the first two times I went in the staff seemed to ignore me, then finally they approached me and asked if it was OK to talk. Yes please talk, ask, tell me how lovely she was. My grown up kids and their fantastically supportive partners went through a week of hell with me waiting for their unconscious mother to die (that is a hard word to say). Now, they must return to their own lives and leave me to start to move things. At the moment the house is full of stuff where she left it - her handbag in the hall, her shoes her clothes - everything is a reminder. Today I walked on the beach in the snow and wind, last time I was there was with her at the end of Summer. Anyhow, won't burden you just to say, I understand it is the little things that hurt, the tears catch you out, the pain is deep and sometimes anger. Why her? Only 53 fit and well. I wish you all the best, you clearly loved your husband as much as I did my wife. I feel for you one day I guess the pain will recede and we will just be left with memories of the good times. Symon x

[Francine]

Symon

Thanks for the kind words - they really helped.  Well, I made it through the night - I'm on first base.  You are so right about the little things hurting.  - they do so much harm leaving an agonizing pain that is unbearable. But knowing what we shared with our loved ones and the time we were allowed to spend together lessons the pain - don't you think?  There is a "special "place in my heart that I have tucked away  - a place that gives me peace and comfort - a place where my husband is - nothing can take that away.  I'm so happy there, the memories of us together all comes back and the love - it's overwhelming.  

While I will always miss him like crazy and will no doubt cry rivers again for him - I know I have that "special" place in my heart where I can go. I believe while we are truly devastated when they leave this world, other loved ones who have passed on and heavenly angels are rejoicing and welcoming them home.  One day, when our earthly job is done, we too will go home.  I know my husband will be awaiting my arrival with open arms - no longer will I need to visit that "special" space in my heart - my love will be front and center for eternity.

I pray that you too find that special space where you can always go to find peace. God Bless and keep us all close.

[KMB]

Symon, So sorry for your loss of your wife, your best friend. Our spouses are our best friend. They are with us daily more than any other person. They know us inside out. They love us unconditionally and we love them the same in return. It hurts so much when we lose their physical presence and all they represented in our life.

Your grief is deep, just as your love. There are many emotions tumbling around and no where to go with them. We understand and are with you and listening. This forum has many compassionate people here for you anytime you want to post. Post anything, rant ,vent, get it all out. It does help to get it out in writing.

Prayers of peace to you.

[KMB]

Francine, I can imagine how you feel being home again. Back to the comfort of where you feel closest to your husband. Baby steps, like you said. Take it one day at a time.

[KayC]

Francine,

I'm glad you find comfort at home, I was here from day one, my daughter stayed with me for a while.  I remember my state of mind back then, it was not good, very anxious, scared.  It seems you are making headway little by little even though it's tough.  I commend you for trying!

 

[KayC]

Symon,

You aren't burdening anyone, this is what we're all here for.  I am so very sorry you lost your wife.  I lost my husband to heart attack, never expected it in a million years, he looked terrific, was in great shape, I guess you never know what is going on inside the body, he had just turned 51.

This is a good place to come to and I hope you will continue your journey here with us, it helps to have that safe place where others understand.

[Symon]

Thank you all for your comments. Last night I dreamt of my wife a nice dream walking together holding hands. I only knew it was a dream when my boxer dog woke me up at 6.30am to go out. Took me a few more seconds than normal to remember and for the pain to come. I guess my internal clock is another change I need to used to - getting up early. I am SO GLAD, we are into the last part of Winter and spring is on its way in a couple of months - I hate the cold so did my wife, Pieta as in Michaelangelo statues. This famous work of art depicts the body of Jesus on the lap of his mother Mary after the Crucifixion.   I fell in love with both her and her beautiful name on the first day we met. My kids just got so need to go show strength. On Monday they will be off back to their lives and I will need to start to quietly move and clear the most visible things around the house - her handbag and shoes where she took them off, her craftwork all over the table, She made little. Will touch back here again soon. Thank you all again.  Symon

[KMB]

Symon---Pieta, what a lovely name for your lovely wife. You mention a dream of her. Take some comfort that Pieta was letting you know that she is doing fine in Heaven. Dreams, good ones, are how our loved ones communicate with us. God knows our pain and suffering with the loss of a loved one and dreams are the way of letting us know that all is well in Heaven. Prayers, love and peace to you.

[Emeliza]

Don't be any hurry to go thru things or pack up things.  Take your time unless there is some type of rush.  My husband's laundry hamper still sits in our closet.  I have cleaned out some things here and there, but typically speaking, most is still the way it was before.  I don't have any pressing reason not to keep it this way.  Originally I thought how nice it would be to give some of his things to shelters for the cold winter....and I still think that is what I will do, but I just couldn't do that yet.  

I work slowly here and there going thru his belongings now and again.  Often I go thru an entire drawer just to put everything back in it the way it was before.  

I know many do not have the luxury I have.  Originally I thought we would have to move out of our home since we lost his income, but my mom helped with the funeral costs and re-did the budget and we are okay.  Have to be careful, but we don't have some of the expenses as before since we went from a 4 person household to a 2 person (oldest moved out for college as well).  

[KayC]

Symon,

It is a beautiful name!  Signs can come in the form of dreams or other ways, I look at them as a blessing.

[Symon]

Thank you. This morning is not good it has suddenly all become too real. Everywhere I look, everything I touch is her. I have to go through things to sort out finances and found little notes I left for years ago stored in her wallet, her Xmas shopping list and a receipt from the store on New Year's Eve. These are real things she touched and put in there but she is gone.Too cruel. How does this get any better? Symon

[Emeliza]

It doesn't get better, but it gets easier.  You learn to live with it....somehow.  I know my waves crash with more breathing room between them, but they still crash with 100 ft waves.

I am sorry for your pain.  I am sorry all of us are going thru this.  And no one gets it.  They think they do, but they don't.

[KayC]

It's odd but true how something innocuous and small as a grocery list or a note can become so important to us, our connection to them, something tangible that proves their existence.  There have been times I wondered, did I dream him up?  No, I go to my files and look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate...and his death certificate.  It was real.  Why does it all seem like a dream then?  It's odd how great is our need for physical touch, audible reassurance, something tangible we can have exchange with.  I remind myself he is not physical now but he still exists, maybe even hears me.

[KMB]

Symon, The little things are the biggest triggers for the pain. I keep my husband's wallet and his watch in my purse. Just like I did for him with his hospital stays. He wanted me to protect his things, not to have them left in the hospital rooms. I discovered in his wallet a picture of me. A piece of paper where he had written my birth date, my old phone number and our wedding date. Treasures of love to forever cherish.

[Symon]

Today is the first day alone as my kids gone back to get on with their lives until the funeral. I must now dig deep and start dealing with all the formalities and sorting out a huge empty house alone except for her much loved Boxer dog, Enzo. What I would do without him to cuddle I don't know. I know that to recover I must grieve but try always to remember a good time, something to balance this pain with joy at having been lucky enough to love and be loved. Francine, your pain is palpable, I hope soon you find some peace and joy too. If like me you have children, then they are the best reason to stay alive and healthy and try to be happy. Pieta will miss their weddings and birth (God willing) of her grandchildren and I owe it to her memory to keep myself safe and healthy and be there for these happy events and enjoy them for us both. 

 I wish all suffering here from loss relief from their pain and to draw strength from having been blessed with someone special in their lives  Symon

[Meesh]

Symon

So sorry for your pain life is too cruel, but life has to go on, i feel cheated and angry that my life and future with my boyfriend has been taken from me, we had so many plans ,he  died 2 dec after a tragic accident at our home, i found him dying at the bottom of our stairs and lifes been torture since, seeing all his stuff around the house gives comfort most days but sometimes its painful to see them, i can feel him around me and also i wrote some personal inspirational words about our relationship and our love for each other, i keep it in my purse and when things get too much, i read the words, close my eyes and feel the deep love we had for each other, i find it helps me. Focus on your love for your wife and the love of your family and friends and draw strength from that, i hope the funeral goes ok for you and take care of yourself .

[Symon]

Meesh, that is so kind, I found my wife in bathroom on New Years morning, She never recovered consciousness. So many things unsaid enough but my kids assure me she knew. I always told her I love her, always got her little presents just day to day and used to look at her sometimes and she would say 'why you looking at me?' daring me to answer. The answer was simple ' because I love you so much.'  That will never change but your advice is good. thank you Symon

[Francine]

Symon

I  am so sorry for your lost - we all know your pain - it's our pain as well.  Oh how I relate to your post -   My husband knew I loved him when he left his earth.  We told each other that constantly and I'm so glad we did - it give me comfort now.  He'd often comment on what a good marriage (marriage of 45 years) we have and how happy he was. That brought tears to my eyes because I felt the same way.  

He was such a protector, my comforter.  I didn't worry about anything and felt so safe with him.  If  worries did creep into my head, he was always there to ease my mind and tell me everything would be OK -  and it was.   It gave me comfort for so many years; unfortunately,  now I don't feel  safe and protected any longer and don't think I ever will again.  I feel alone and numb and I'll never be the same.  

I too, at times, would catch him staring at me with this smile (that made my knees buckle) that was so loved filled.  I  would ask him why he was staring and he'd say because "I like what I see" and then I'd smile.  I always loved those compliments and he knew the right words to say to make me smile,  Oh how I love that man. 

I must again thank God for the 45 wonderful years we shared together and allowing me to have such memories -  that's all I have left.  I pray you find peace in knowing what you shared together and you were her protector.   I pray God, who is the ultimate protector and comforter of all, give us the peace we need to get through this difficult time.  

[Meesh]

Symon

Its such a shock, my boyfriend never regained conciousness either and i think the same, did i tell him enough, i question myself all the time, i used to also stare at him also thinking how much i loved him and how happy i was, i loved everything about him and that love is special and nothing and nobody can take that away from us, i didnt have kids with my boyfriend but i have a daughter and a son to my first husband, 28 and 24 they are a focus and a joy to me, has i'm sure your family is to you, stay focused, im gonna join a gym today, i hope it helps me in some way, even if to get rid of the anger i feel sometimes.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Symon said:

I know that to recover I must grieve but try always to remember a good time, something to balance this pain with joy at having been lucky enough to love and be loved.

That's called "dosing your grief" and it's actually a healthy way to grieve if you can do it, not everyone can.  Some people actually go so far as to set aside 1/2 hour every night to grieve...I never could control it like that, to me it would hit like a Tsunami or come in waves and was there to be reckoned with.

[KayC]

It sounds like you all had that same love we did, it was something I didn't see in other couples, so rare.  I, too, would catch him staring at me, such love in his eyes.  We both felt it for each other, we were always holding hands, cuddling, close.

[B7176]

Francine, I am so happy that you have found some type of comfort in your home. I'm still struggling. I have returned to my boyfriend and I apartment only to retrieve clothes for myself and the baby. As soon as I open the door, I can smell him and my heart starts pounding. Everything is just like he left it. I raced to get out of there each time. My grief counselor told me to stop running from him. And I'm starting to realize he's everywhere. Yesterday after church I passed the hospital he was rushed to and rode on the freeway we were on when he went into cardiac arrest. I never noticed this hospital on the other side of town until now. I hope to start making baby steps soon. Right now the memories are too scary and painful. I hope that all of you continue to find comfort in things to help make this process a bit easier. I will continue to pray for you all. God Bless. 

[KMB]

B7176---Be easy and gentle with yourself. I understand the apartment and your loved one being *everywhere*. My husband is everywhere in our home and it takes a lot of accepting and adjusting. Your grief counselor is right, running is not the answer. We have to face this loss and pain head on in order to push through and reach a place of healing. This not not an easy journey by any means. In fact, it downright sucks big time! I wonder every day how I've managed to make it this far, a little over 5 months. Each day and night is a painful struggle, but we have no choice to continue on the best we can. Baby steps, one day at a time.

[KayC]

B7176,

Are you suffering from anxiety attacks?  If so, please see your doctor asap.  If not, I'd proceed with either getting used to being home, or if it makes you more comfortable, moving to a different setting, but you and your baby need a home to be in, someplace where you can feel comfortable.  I wanted to be home where my husband's things are, but it sounds like your way of handling it is different.  As your grief counselor said, it doesn't help to run, but you should be able to do this is your time and your way in doses if that is all you can handle.  It would help you so much though if you had a home you could be in, you and your baby, to have that stable comfort zone...now more than ever you need it.

[Francine]

B7176

When I returned home, I was frighten - I didn't know if I was ready but wanted to try.  I did and got through the first night OK.  The second night was a different story - it was very difficult.   I'm on that roller coaster many have talked about.  I have my good days and bad days; right now the bad days still out weight the good ones, but I know that someday the script will flip.  

20 hours ago, B7176 said:

And I'm starting to realize he's everywhere.

That's because he is - his spirit is with you and you feel it.  Don't be frighten.  Memories can be good and bad and they affect your head, heart and spirit and you will experience a variety of emotions - that;s normal.  You are so brave - more than you realize.  Continue to take those tiny steps; they in turn will turn into baby steps, they will turn into bigger steps.  Before you realize it, you will have taken a giant step - won't that be progress.   God Bless and keep you and that beautiful baby safe.

[B7176]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I do suffer from anxiety attacks. They started after the birth of my son. My boyfriend helped me through them. I haven't suffered from one since he failed his brain test at the hospital while on life support. I will talk to my doctor soon. I am still having trouble sleeping but I'm eating better. I have nightmares about my boyfriend last moments. I don't know why I'm so afraid. The grief counselor said I may have PTSD. On another note, I plan to go to our apartment today. I want to clean and rearrange things so I can go home. I plan to return to work after the funeral which is Saturday. I can't believe this is my life now. So dark and painful. God Bless you all. Now that everyone is starting to fade away, you guys are my only outlet. Thank you! 

[Francine]

B7176

You touch my heart - and yes, you know we are here for you whenever you need.  God Bless you - Hugs and kisses.

[KMB]

B7176---We are all here for you, just like Francine said. For some of us, like you, this is our only outlet, for sharing and understanding. I know about the panic attacks. Had them constantly when my husband passed over. They have lessened now. I hated them, made me feel like I was drowning. Grieving doesn't seem to have no real end. Have to learn to adjust to it and have it live with me.

Moving back into your apartment is a baby step in the right direction. It will be hard and I don't envy you that but am sending my prayers for strength for you.

[KayC]

B7176,

We're here rooting for you.  I hope you find some comfort in being home, not just triggers.  I know it's all a huge adjustment.  One thing at a time.  

[B7176]

It has been almost a month since I planned to return home and I'm still living out my car going from house to house with my small child. I know it's selfish of me and my child needs stability. I haven't been able to build up enough courage to do it. I really want to go home and be comfortable. I don't know what I'm scared of. I'm guessing it's waking up from the nightmares and being there alone. Any suggestions?  

[Symon]

B7176 - I really feel for you and totally understand your pain. My wife's funeral was (finally) last Friday and her stuff is still everywhere in the house. I have found that this 'presence' is comforting at times and at others, the agony of loss is unbearable especially as I have started to slowly pack her things. I can only say I could have stayed elsewhere but I am glad I have pushed through and have stayed. None of it is easy but I am sure your boyfriend would have wanted you and your child to be safe and comfortable. I wish you all the best, as others have said only baby steps are possible, some forwards and some backwards but one needs faith that the pain will fade in time.

[KayC]

Symon, you're right, it does bring comfort to be surrounded by their things.  

It could be, B7176, that you are trying to avoid the grief/pain by not being hit with the reminders...but there is no way through grief but straight through it, we can't circumvent it.  It takes great time and effort to process it so we can begin some healing within and adjust to all of the changes it means for us.  No ordinary task, this is the hardest thing we'll be called on to do, but I am living testament that it can be done.  At your stage of the game I wanted "out" but I was making effort to live in the present and fully appreciate what was rather than merely lamenting what wasn't.  Did I have meltdowns?  Yes, regularly!  I barely slept, I was frantic, it was the hardest thing I've ever been through...but I've learned we can't escape it...if we could have, I'd have found the way by now.  (((hugs)))

[KMB]

Symon, I agree. It is a mixed bag of emotions. My home with my husband's belongings is my comfort zone, but at the same time it is difficult. His belongings and the memories provide me with proof that he was here and we did have a life together. I did not dream up the past 25 years. And this nightmare of life without him is unfortunately real also. Facing this loss head on is the only way to get through to the other side. Baby steps, one day at a time.

B7176, My heart goes out to you. I don't have the answers. Maybe you can take baby steps with your home. Spend a little time there each day and increase the time each day until you think you are able to handle it full time. Be brave. We all know how painful this process is. Just imagine your love right by your side, walking with you, sending you love and strength. You and your child need the stability of a home. You can do this!

[fzald]

KMB,

The thing that "scares" me about imagining my girl with me, walking beside me, etc. is that I feel like I'll end up stuck in the past. I feel like I'll end up being one of those people hopelessly stuck in grief, wishing for the rest of my life for something that can never be, and then being disappointed and sad all over again every time I must face the facts.

I don't have that many of my girl's possessions, she lived alone and her family cleaned out most of her stuff, and I didn't have the best relationship with them. But I do have a few things, and I cling to those. I also am finding myself both wanting to and avoiding places we shared. I want to go there because I know I'll have a flood of memories which might make me feel a little happy, but at the same time I'll have to face the truth again - that I will never be at those places with her in person ever again. 

I've been trying to do just a tiny, tiny, tiny bit more every day. At work, it's get one thing done, take time to grieve, then get one thing done, take more time. I'm barely functioning. I'm walking around the office and nearby places sometimes just lost in thought, remembering times we spent around here together. Sometimes it's a bittersweet bliss, like you said, almost like she is still here with me, but at the same time, I cry, because I know she's physically gone, and never again will we have those special times together in this place. 

Baby steps indeed, but my steps are more like baby's first crawl...

[KMB]

fzald, I've had several of those *firsts*. Extremely difficult.  A lot of meltdowns. But I'm trying the best I know how. My husband knew me better than I know myself. Hold your chin up, and go through it. He knew me as being tough and strong in the face of challenges. There is only one place I cannot get up the courage for and that is the local restaurant. My husband and I ate there plenty, for breakfasts and late lunches or suppers. We always managed to have the same booth. We had just had breakfast there a few days before he passed. I don't know if I'll ever go there again. Not in the near future or by myself.

I don't mind imagining my husband walking beside me. It brings me comfort. I don't feel like it will leave me stuck in the past. It is a spiritual relationship now and I need him to walk the rest of my life with me. Continuing bonds, maintaining the connection of love.

Your girl IS with you. She is going to see that you will be ok. she is guiding you, sending you love and strength.

[Meesh]

B7176 and all

I feel for you, it must be so difficult trying to cope with your child aswel as your loss. My boyfriends accident (the cause of his death) happened at our home and i knew that if i didnt straight away go back that it would be more difficult so i went straight back, my daughter and my sister stayed with me first few nights and they moved his toothbrush and a few personal stuff for me and they just put them in his wardrobe so i wouldnt see them, when i feel stronger i'l sort through them but not yet its too painful and also from the first night back in our bed i slept in his side of the bed and 2 and half months on i am still sleeping on his side because to me its much easier to see my empty side than his and it gives me a bit of comfort doing that and having his things around me. I think we are all capable of doing things we never thought we could, look at us all how far we have come after facing our loss, be brave sweet lady for yourself and your child, and find your strength from within you, its there so try be strong, it will be worth it to be in the comfort of your home, maybe get someone to stay a few nites with you at first. Lifes been awful to us so to move forward slowly and gently is the only way for us to try find anything that resembles normal if there can ever be a normal again, we have no choice but to find it or we become victims of our grief and our loved ones wouldnt want that for us.

Take care all of you, love and hugs x

[KayC]

18 hours ago, KMB said:

His belongings and the memories provide me with proof that he was here and we did have a life together. I did not dream up the past 25 years.

It's interesting to hear you say that because that's how I feel sometimes.  I look up at his picture on the wall, see the notes he left me, I've even gone and looked up his birth, marriage, and death certificates to assure myself that he really did live, we really did have a life together.