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Chris H

my younger brother

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Chris H   

This is a hard loss for me to deal with.  To make a long story short I hadn't seen my younger brother in over twenty years.  He was adopted by another family when we were kids.  I had the right to stay in contact with him but as he got older and adjusted to his new family I could tell he was drifting away.  I thought by giving him his space and letting him decide if he wanted to contact me I was doing the right thing.  The last time I saw him was in 1995 when he was 12 years old.  I came so close to reaching out to him so many times since then but didn't.  I finally decided I had to let him go if I was going to be in a happier place.  I thought it was the right thing to do.  I still secretly hoped I'd see him again one day.  Well I recently signed up for facebook and tried to look him up and found to my shock and horror that he died 4 years ago from a drug overdose.  His adopted parents could have told me but didn't.  The few details I found out was that he was abandoned by his adoptive family and was living with friends.  I don't know how much of a drug problem he had but however bad it was he overdosed.

At least his adoptive parents gave him a proper burial and marker.  I was able to visit his grave last week.  This is not in a million years how I expected to see him again.  I have so many emotions to deal with I can't even being to explain them all.  I don't really have anyone to talk to.  I feel so sad for my brother who was only 29 when he died.  The same age as my older brother.  He hadn't truly started to live.  I feel so angry.  Angry at the senselessness of it all.  Angry at myself for not doing more and being there when I should have.  Angry at his adoptive parents for not doing more to save him.  Angry at my parents for bringing children into the world who they couldn't take care of.  Angry at my extended family for not taking us in when we needed them and abandoning us to foster care.  I don't know how much of this anger is justified but I feel it.  I guess writing it out like this is one of the few ways I can express myself and try to deal with this.  He was the last of my immediate family.  I used to be afraid of dying but now know that I'm meant to live a long, empty lonely life.  Everyone I've loved I've lost.  

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reader   

Dear Chris,

I'm so sorry. My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your brother. Please know that you are not alone. We are all here to support you. Please take the time to surround yourself with caring friends. With every death there is so much raw emotion. And anger about the past and all the what-ifs. All your feelings are natural and part of the grieving process. Thinking of you.

 

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Chris H   

Thank you.  I appreciate your response.  I wish I could surround myself with caring friends but I can't.  I actually wish I could trade places with my brother but I know that's impossible.

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reader   

Dear Chris,

I'm so sorry for all the pain and sorrow. Loss is so hard to comprehend. I know what you mean, after my dad passed I felt the same way. During this difficult time, I know its hard to be kind to oneself, but please try.  If you can try to access any community resources through work, school or the church. I'm trying to find myself a counselor to talk to and finding a local support group. We are not alone. There is so many people going through this terrible journey of grief. If you want try visiting these sites for help: What's Your Grief, Tiny Buddha or GriefShare.Org

I know its not easy. Everything is easier said than done. I hope for everyone at this site we can find some peace and continue living the best we can. My thoughts are with you.

 

 

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Chris H   

Thank you again Reader for your kind words.  I don't know resources might benefit me but if I feel to need to find something I will.  

I hope you find a counselor or someone to talk to and hopefully it will help.  I don't know if anybody or anything can really help me.  I feel for you and everyone on this site going through this terrible thing called grief.

 

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Chris - I am so sorry for the loss of your brother , but also the feelings of helplessness you feel because of the way your family life was at such tender ages . I'm no counselor , but I have been offering free reading material to persons experiencing grief . There is no cost or obligation involved . If you think that this material can help you or you would like more information , please feel free to contact me . I have been offering comforting Scriptures as well - not being pushy , just letting you know .

https://www.jw.org/finder?pub=we&wtlocale=E&srcid=share

 

My Deepest Condolences ,

Frances

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Chris

there are no words! One of my British friends put it best, "it's ****" simple but so true. My sister and I did not have it easy at all growing up. I was her protector! And I failed! Maybe it's to raw, but I hate hearing, "this is your new normal..." or "only time heals.." friends fall off the planet, your spouse walks on eggshells, and you want to scream! The truth is, it's ****, it's hard, but no matter what our regrets and the unknown, we have to live life! Even when we don't want to. Life is way to short and now you have to move on, dredging through the trenches, sometimes all alone, for your fallen sibling. I don't know if time really heals, I for one think that line is crap, but I have hope that time helps to not hurt so bad. I'm sorry if I'm not as optimistic as others! I think I'm projecting, but it hurts, and the anger is real. All of the emotions, all the regrets are! 

Ive also never been a sugar coating person. I sympathize with your loss and my heart goes out to you in this.

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Chris H   

Kcjohnson138   

I believe time helps but doesn't completely heal these wounds.  I am very sorry for your loss.  It hurts.  Anger is natural.  There is no understanding it.  There is no point trying to figure out or answer "why".  It just is.  It sucks, believe me.  I now have this chasm inside me for the rest of my long lonely life.  But still the sun rises tomorrow.  I sympathize with you as well.  It hurts I know but you will feel better one day.  I've suffered so many losses through my life but losing my brother was the final one,

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