"Deceased"

[Knhedges]

I know Dylan is dead. He has been gone for a little over 2 months. I know he's never coming back. So why is it that when I was snooping and looking at my chart at the doctors office (last prenatal appointment before I have this baby), and I saw "Dylan -- deceased" written in the spot where the father of the baby's name goes, I felt like vomitting and then proceeded to go to my car and have a full blown meltdown?

Seeing the word next to his name felt like a knife in my heart. I guess because it makes it more real. I don't know. I just know I'm still sitting in my car crying, wondering how I'm going to do this without him. Wondering how a world can exist without him in it. Wondering how long I can withstand this overwhelming and completely consuming pain.

I feel so defeated.

[Knhedges]

Double posted this somehow, not sure how to delete it. Sorry.

[lp91679]

KNhedges...I get it..I can't even say the word...I say "gone" or "the day he left" or "the day he was taken from us"..I just can't say the "D" word...it hurts too much..And most of all...it makes it real. When I have to check off that I'm a widow on something..it makes me nauseous.  My car is where I usually have my meltdowns also..so my kids don't see me falling apart. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[fzald]

I know how all of you feel. We have so many different terms we use to represent someone dying. Passed away, deceased, expired, passed on, and a whole bunch of other less-specific terms that mean death when used in context. 

There's no term for me though. I had not yet gotten to experience the joy of marriage, my girlfriend died far too young, only 22. I'm not a "widower", but what am I? Just "a guy who's girlfriend died". I don't think there's a word or a status for that. Definitely not a status I'll see on a form. I always felt a little weird when she was alive and I had to choose "Single" on forms, because we were not married. I was far, far, far from "single". I was in a very deep, spiritual, soulmate relationship. And now if I fill out a form I have to check off exactly the same box. It's like nothing is different from that angle, but for me, in my mind, the world has completely turned upside down with no hope of ever fixing it. 

Both me and my girlfriend always enjoyed thinking about language and how we use it, and jokes based on multiple meanings of words were always one of our favorites. We use the term "pass away". This sounds like something you'd expect to happen on an assembly line. "The product had a defect so we passed it away." Pass also seems to imply a correctness, and also a movement. I passed the exam. The information was passed to another person. And so on. 

Death, dying, deceased, all of the "D" words. 

I still tend to use the terms "when she left" and "since she was here". I might say "It was 6 weeks ago since my girl was here" rather than "it was 6 weeks ago my girl d......." 

I have still not come anywhere close to accepting the situation. Not even accepting, but truly taking it in. I stil fantasize, and sometimes expect, for the whole thing to be a dream, a bad dream, a nightmare. I still wish I could go back in time to before she left, and just forget everything I have experienced since then, and live instead in a world  where she survives.

She wanted so much, and now she can't have it. I go places where we used to just in our city, and am so sad. But when I even think about going to some of the places she dreamt of going to, I find I can't even think about it without crying, or feeling completely empty and painful. Survivor's guilt I guess, but how am I ever going to enjoy doing something she wanted to share with me, without her? How will I ever truly enjoy it?

[ModHerc]

Fzald,

We are the bereaved.  All of us, you included.  There may not be a box for it on forms, but that is the term for us.  And it is far more accurate and descriptive than any of the words on those forms.  The absence is profound, as was our relationship with them.  Hoping you find peace,

Herc

 

be·reave

verb

past participle: bereaved

be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence

[KayC]

Knhedges,

It was hard hitting for me whenever I saw that term, I don't know why it sounds worse than others, but it was jolting to me.
 

Herc,

You're right...we are the bereaved...

[ModHerc]

I think on the less important legal documents I am going to start writing it in.  I won't take the chance on the taxes, I don't need an audit right now.  But for some of the MVA stuff, condo agreements and the such, I think it will be interesting.  Let them stick their need to classify me as not being married where the sun don't shine..