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"Deceased"


Knhedges

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I know Dylan is dead. He has been gone for a little over 2 months. I know he's never coming back. So why is it that when I was snooping and looking at my chart at the doctors office (last prenatal appointment before I have this baby), and I saw "Dylan -- deceased" written in the spot where the father of the baby's name goes, I felt like vomitting and then proceeded to go to my car and have a full blown meltdown?

Seeing the word next to his name felt like a knife in my heart. I guess because it makes it more real. I don't know. I just know I'm still sitting in my car crying, wondering how I'm going to do this without him. Wondering how a world can exist without him in it. Wondering how long I can withstand this overwhelming and completely consuming pain.

I feel so defeated.

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It has been 21 weeks, almost 5 months and I still feel that way seeing it in writing or having to tell new people. I don't know if it gets easier, but I know you get "thru" it.   I can image seeing that was awful beyond measure.  I am so sorry you are going thru this.  

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Knhedges, I am so sorry for your pain. I know the birth of your baby is close. Reality just bites so hard when we don't want it to or least expect it.Your emotions are all over the place between your loss and upcoming birth. It must be devastating for you to try to handle everything.

You have been dealing with it all to the best of your ability. It has been hard for you but you will be achieving a milestone when yours and Dylan's child is born and you can pour all that love for Dylan into your child.  Prayers and blessings to you.

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That was how I felt the first time I held my husband's death certificate in my hands. It just hit me all over again. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something that we can do to get pass this but unfortunately this is it for us. I'm moving into a small two bedroom apartment with just myself and our little girl. My mom moved out to stay with my elder sister who is disabled and is currently needing my mother more than ever. So it's just us two. Lonely. I remember during my husband's viewing and funeral, I always asked why is the sun still beaming brightly when my world is pitch black. I truly wanted for everything to turn dark and pitched black like the way I was feeling. I wanted no sight or sound. Ugh.

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It's hard seeing it in black and white...it makes it seem so real.  It's easy to think this can't be real, it takes time to process it.

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Hello Knhedges.. Oh honey, I know the feeling all too well.. When AJ was born, a nurse asked would the father be involved in his life. I caught an attitude and said if he was still alive, he would be. I immediately apologized for me being rude. The nurse and I cried together for a few moments.. Then they wouldn't put his dad's name on the official birth certificate because they needed a photo id.. Once again, Iost it and told them that his fathers name will be put on this birth certificate. I started showing pics of his father that I had on my phone saying this is his father. No one will ever be able to take that away..

You are going to get through this. I don't know how, as I am still stuck, however I am believing and trusting that it will get better. I continue to pray for your strength. 

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Knhedges 

I am so sorry. I don't have anything to tell you except this - Take care of yourself. We all are here for you. 

When is the date of your delivery? 

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Knhedges

The love of my left this world six weeks ago and I still feel like this is a dream - not a dream - more like a nightmare where I'm struggling to wake up but I can't.  Since he left this world important documents needed to be addressed and I needed to request copies of his death certificate.  When they arrived, they read "Medical Certificate of Death" and my husband's name on it.   I couldn't envision his name and deceased on the same sheet.  It still seems strange and so unreal. 

There's somethings in this world we are not meant to understand.  I only know that I'm so much in love with my husband and the pain is literally killing me as I know you are feeling the same.   Dylan has entrusted the raising of his son (your son) to you and you must not disappoint him - I know you won't.   You are so not defeated - you are strong and must carry on - not just for yourself but for Dylan as well.  Make sure your child knows his father and the person he was.  Make sure he knows the love the two of you shared.  Make sure he knows that God assigned a special angel specifically for him - and that angel is his dad.  But most of all, and most importantly make sure he knows his dad loves him and always will.  

My prayer is that you have a healthy son, and God grant you his overwhelming love, strength and inner peace.  Open your heart - God will do the rest.  God Bless.

 

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I went to a gathering tonight (my daughter wanted to go and I am trying not to turn into the hermit I want to be).  I introduced myself to some people and the hostess decided to tell everyone that my husband died of a heart attack "last year".  She sort of went on about it for what seemed like a long time, but was really only a minute or so.  I had hoped it would only come out naturally or not at all.  Hearing that he died "last year" is what bothered me the most though.  It hasn't been 5 months quite yet.  Calling it last year seems so long ago.  

Thankfully after that it was fine the rest of the time I was there.

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Sorry, probably should have posted this elsewhere, but I just needed to get it out there.....so I can get over it. The words....not his parting.  I will never get over that.

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15 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Knhedges 

I am so sorry. I don't have anything to tell you except this - Take care of yourself. We all are here for you. 

When is the date of your delivery? 

Thank you. I'm scheduled to be induced Monday if she hasn't already come by then.

 

Thank you everyone for the kind words. Just seems like the smallest thing can bring me to my knees these days. Also, now I'm terrified of losing Dylan's mom, who I love as my own mom. We have grown especially close over the past few months, we talk every day. She was supposed to come down for the delivery (she lives 2 1/2 hours away) but now she is in the hospital very sick... Doctors are thinking it's lung cancer... I don't know what to do. I get that life isn't fair but if it could just give me a damn break to catch my breath that sure would be nice...

:(

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Knhedges 

I pray for you and Dylan's mother from all my heart. If it comforts you, know that in this tough time of your life God is there for you. He will take care of you and give you the strength to cope with this. 

Keep us informed about your baby. I hope she looks just like Dylan, maybe that could bring you some peace. 

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Emeliza

I'm glad your daughter persuaded you to get out but thought it was "distasteful" for the hostess to comment on your situation.  I think, if YOU wanted it s shared, you should have been the one to do it.  Often times people just don't know what to say and instead of keeping their mouths shut, say the wrong things.   Last year does seem like a decade ago when you lose your soul.  It feels like my husband has been gone a decade ago and it was only 6 weeks ago (last year).    Needless to say, I'm glad the rest of the evening went well for you.     Glad you posted - now it's out - and you can move on.  God Bless!

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Emeliza 

Don't be sorry. We all are here and listening to each other. 

Keep talking.

Hugs to you.  

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Emeliza,

That was insensitive of that person, I'm sorry you were subjected to that.  It's hard enough to venture out and then to get hit like that...
We are here for you, vent away!  We care.

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Knhedges

I am so hurt you are going though this - first, Dylan, now his mother's hospitalization.  I pray that she comes through this with flying colors; God willing, she will.  I also pray that God gives you the strength needed to overcome whatever comes your way; know that God is ultimately in charge of everything -  he's got you - and there's no one I rather have me than him.    Whatever the outcome is, know that there's no earthy sorrow, heaven cannot overcome.  Take care of yourself and your child.  No matter what, know that your child is loved by both is dad and grandmother. I pray God give you the strength, love and peace to get you through this difficult time.  Open your heart and let him in - he'll do the rest.  God Bless!

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On 1/13/2017 at 8:27 PM, Knhedges said:

I get that life isn't fair but if it could just give me a damn break to catch my breath that sure would be nice...

I hear you, sometimes I feel that way too.  It's not even one thing after another, it seems it's hit after hit.  I hope it does not turn out to be lung cancer.  I wish so much she could be there for the birth of your baby, that would mean so much to her as well as you.  Becoming a grandma is such a special time.  I will pray for her...

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