Members CKYdad Posted January 12, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2017 I lost my wife on Nov 27th to a short (2.5 month) battle with brain cancer. I was left with my 2 stepdaughters, whom had lost their father in a drug related car accident a few years prior. I am struggling between the grief of the loss of my wife, an ugly guardianship battle with a wicked paternal aunt, working out Social security for my kids, dealing with my attorney trying to get all of that straightened out. Needless to say, I have been so stressed out dealing with everything that I have not had a proper chance to grieve over the loss of my wife. I have so much I want to talk about, but don't know what to say. I find myself coming ungrounded at times, and unbelievably cemented at others. I have people say to me, you are so strong, I don't know how you keep doing it, but I don't feel like I am really doing anything. I am simply taking care of things as best I can as they are presented. I miss my wife terribly. It seems like people really don't understand. I hear "I know what you are going through, I lost my grandfather about 5 years ago". I would never want to or mean to minimize someone else's loss, but it is nothing the same. You don't wake up to your grandfather every morning and tell them that they are your everything. You do not text or talk to your grandfather 15 times a day while you are at work, before you even get home for the day. You do not hold your grandfather on the couch while watching tv after dinner. So much more I want to say, just dot have the will at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Emeliza Posted January 12, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2017 I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I always disliked when people told/tell me how strong I am. I do not feel strong. I feel resigned and in despair so I just keep shuffling forward. This forum is nice in that everyone here does get the loss of the spouse, partner part. It is nothing like losing a grandparent. It is nothing like losing any other type of relative. Like you said, not to minimize their loss, it is great and horrible, but not the same. I am so sorry for the custody struggles you are facing right now. Those poor kids already lost 2 parents, having to fight so they don't lose you is awful. Feel free to use this as a place to complain, grieve and type out your frustrations. You won't get insincere platitudes here. Instead you will find people who actually get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted January 12, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2017 CKYdad----You have my condolences. I am sorry for the trials you are going through. You haven't even had time to process anything at your own pace. You are being dumped on with so much, it must be very hard to deal with it all. You did say it best for yourself though,taking care of things as best you can when they are presented to you. It is all a person can do. One thing at a time. One day at a time. I am sorry you lost your lovely wife to cancer. It is such an ugly, devastating disease. You two were devoted to each other and raising your children and the world as you knew it got shattered. Now you have a custody battle and Social Security issues. You and your stepdaughters need time to support each other and to grieve for a huge loss in your family. Mothers and wives are usually the glue for the family unit and now it is up to you to handle it on your own. You will be able to do this. There is no option but to do the best you can for yourself and the girls sake. They need your stabilizing influence and security.You will manage it all for your wife as she would want you to do. When things settle somewhat, you might want to consider family grief counseling for you and the girls. I hope you have other family members and friends you can rely on. Please keep posting. We care for one another here on this forum. We listen, commiserate, share, give comfort. It is so unfair and unfortunate that we are here looking for understanding and comfort, but at least this forum is an outlet when you cannot find what you need when it cannot be found in our immediate life or the people we know. Prayers and blessings to you and your girls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chasisdope Posted January 12, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2017 It's so true. The loss is not more or less but it's just not the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 12, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted January 12, 2017 CKYdad, I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. You are right, there is no loss that compares to the loss of your spouse, your soulmate, your best friend. We can be close to others but they don't affect every aspect of our lives the way our spouse does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nads Posted January 13, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 CKYdad..I'm so sorry for your loss. I could tell how much you love and miss your wife. It's been almost three months since I lost my darling husband and like you I wasn't able to grieve for him as I supposed to because I have been bombarded with legal issues from the day he died. Almot three months after and it still continues but I find myself dealing with it much better now. When I actually began grieving I wanted to die. I felt there is no way I could make it through this but I began taking it one minute at a time. It's still so very hard and the issues and drama never ends but I am getting through somehow. I can tell you...coming to this forum has helped me so much and with every post I read or write I get stronger. I pray that you get the strength you need each day to make it through all that comes your way. Your wife must be so proud of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CKYdad Posted January 13, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 I still cannot believe that she is gone. I am still picking my phone up several times a day to text her. It was all so sudden, and so fast. She had no symptoms other than her left arm going dead numb for 15 minutes or so every couple of days for a few weeks before she had a seizure. We thought she just had a pinched nerve, or worst case some sort of pulmonary issue. I had her brought to the hospital via ambulance. The ER dr had a catscan done, and when he came back in the room he sat down and informed us that he had found "spots on her brain". He said he was very sorry, and left the room. after many MRI's and PET / CT scans, we meet our oncologist. He informs us that he believes that my wife has melanoma in her brain. She had 10 tumors over 1cm, and 28+ tumors ranging from the size of a grain of salt to a grain of rice. He would not give us a specific expected lifespan, but kept saying "I cannot promise 3months to a year, but don't expect years on end. 2.5months later she passed. Through the entire process, she just kept going downhill. We kept hoping that her symptoms were from treatment, and that when she got better and came off of the drugs, that she would be better, at least for a little while, but she never did. The Steroids they were giving her to reduce the size and swelling of the tumors / lesions in her brain caused horrible swelling in the rest of her body. She was so swollen that blood and plasma were leaking through the pores in her legs. She would lay and moan, cry, and scream in pain while I tried to rub the legs and manually force the fluid from her legs back into her body, until the pain medication kicked in. I love her SO much. I miss her SO bad. It hurts SO bad. I just want to wake up, and all of this to have been a terrible dream. I know that can never happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CKYdad Posted January 13, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 My Beautiful wife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted January 13, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 CKYdad---Your wife is beautiful, with a sense of humor also, I take it? Can tell by her grin and the light in her eyes. So sorry for what the both of you went through. You were blessed to be able to spend time with her and do whatever you could for her. It was painful for you to be with her but you were there out of love. She is pain free now and at peace. She is watching over you and the girls with much love and thankfulness. Don't know what else to say to you---You are in pain, nothing can take that away. It will lessen in intensity over time. You will always love and miss her. You will carry that with you in your heart.Take care of yourself the best you can. The body and mind are in shock and it will take time. Take care of the girls the best you can. They are going through the same and need you.Prayers and hugs to you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted January 13, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 CKYdad, I'm so sorry for your pain - your wife was such a lovely person. I too lost the love of my life a month ago and it still feels like I'm in a horrible dream wanting so desperately to wake up - wake up so that I can tell my husband about it - but I can't. Losing a loved one is tough but losing a spouse, someone you vowed to live the rest of your life with, someone you could depend on, no matter what - someone who had your back and you theirs - well that's just devastatingly heartbreaking. Knowing the love the two of you shared is special and no one and nothing can ever take that away - it will always be - it's in the atmosphere. I know God puts angels in our lives to help us deal with agonizing situations - guess what - your wife is your and the girls guardian angel. She IS still with you - she's in spirit form and no longer in any pain - hopefully that gives you some comfort. I hope you continue to post. This is an excellent site to find comforting words and prayer - something we all need. I pray that God grant you his overwhelming love, strength and inner peace; open your heart to him - he'll do the rest. God bless and keep you and the girls safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 13, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 Oh CKYdad, Seeing her picture, it brought me to tears. So beautiful, young, should have had her whole life ahead of her. I don't understand any of this any better than you do. I only know you will get through it and I pray you get full custody of the kids. It's best they not be disrupted, especially now, you're all going through this together. I'm so sorry she had to suffer so much. It has always brought me comfort that my husband doesn't have to struggle and go through what I'm going through, but that doesn't mean I don't want him back, I miss him more than life itself. That's just how it is. All of our feelings are valid, even when seemingly conflicting with each other. I wish there was something I could say to comfort you. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sadaf Nazim Posted January 13, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 Ckydad I must tell you, your wife is so beautiful! God bless her soul! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CKYdad Posted January 13, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 she was 38. Left her 2 daughters ages 10 and 16 plus my biological daughter / her stepdaughter age 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sadaf Nazim Posted January 13, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 I am so sorry. What she and you suffered is just too much. No one should ever suffer this. I am so sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted January 13, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 CKYdad There are no words to express the feelings for the tragic loss of your wife, the mother of your combined children. What a horrendous ordeal for all of you. Your wife's beautiful soul shines down on you from Heaven. She will always be with you, loving you and the children and guiding you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CKYdad Posted January 16, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 Rough weekend. Couldn't hardly get my wife out of my mind. The kids have completely walled their emotions up, and act like nothing has happened. My oldest actually gets irritated when I mention her mother. The therapist said to not attempt to draw them out of their denial, for if I do manage to crack their mental walls, that all of their emotions could come pouring out all at once in an unhealthy way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted January 16, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 CKYdad, My heart goes out to you and your children. I commend you for having the children in therapy. It is a start and eventually the therapy will work and the healing can begin. You are doing the best you can in taking care of yourself and the children. Your wife would be proud of you for stepping up, finding the courage in your own grieving and taking care of the family that was so obviously important to the both of you.This is a rough, painful journey and we can only take it day by day. Prayers to you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Emeliza Posted January 16, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 1 hour ago, CKYdad said: Rough weekend. Couldn't hardly get my wife out of my mind. The kids have completely walled their emotions up, and act like nothing has happened. My oldest actually gets irritated when I mention her mother. The therapist said to not attempt to draw them out of their denial, for if I do manage to crack their mental walls, that all of their emotions could come pouring out all at once in an unhealthy way. My 12 year old didn't want to talk about her dad either. It was really hard for us because all I wanted to do was talk about him. We had to get to a point that she had to be ok with some talk of him and I had to be ok with not constantly talking about him. Her biggest issue was she didn't like the lump in her throat that I have just decided is part of life and she didn't want to cry all the time. It has been rough, but we are in an easier place now. I can talk about my husband here in there and she can handle crying here and there. I wish you luck with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CKYdad Posted January 16, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 3 minutes ago, Emeliza said: My 12 year old didn't want to talk about her dad either. It was really hard for us because all I wanted to do was talk about him. We had to get to a point that she had to be ok with some talk of him and I had to be ok with not constantly talking about him. Her biggest issue was she didn't like the lump in her throat that I have just decided is part of life and she didn't want to cry all the time. It has been rough, but we are in an easier place now. I can talk about my husband here in there and she can handle crying here and there. I wish you luck with it. Neither my 10 nor my 16 year old are crying at all. Its as if mom never existed. The 16 year old has told me basically "she is dead, get over it". My 10 year old has NEVER cried about the loss of her mom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted January 16, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 Sometimes children and even adults find it easier to cope by blocking out and denying. it's a tough, cruel world for your children at this time. I'm afraid they are going to get hit hard with the reality of their loss at some point. Good idea to keep them in therapy so they have the foundation of that to land onto when the time comes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Emeliza Posted January 16, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 Anger is pretty normal as well. Just keep being their parent and hopefully in time they will start healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 17, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted January 17, 2017 I agree with KMB, I would keep them in grief counseling and let the grief counselor direct how to handle it...putting grief on the back burner doesn't alleviate it. It will surface eventually. It could be they aren't ready yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted January 17, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2017 My prayers are with you and the children at this time. 20 hours ago, CKYdad said: Neither my 10 nor my 16 year old are crying at all. Its as if mom never existed. The 16 year old has told me basically "she is dead, get over it". My 10 year old has NEVER cried about the loss of her mom. The children are still angry and in shock; they don't know they're still grieving. They are wounded by their loss and their wounds need to be attended to. I'm glad you sought grief counseling to help them with their feelings of loss and loneliness. It can also teache them ways to hold onto the things they love, the things they are and the things they never want to lose. Give them time; their grief is unique because no one else had the same relationship they had with their mom. As strange as some of these emotions may seem they are normal and healthy. Don't be surprise that out of no where they suddenly experience surges of grief at the most unexpected time Bottom line, give them time, give them love and let them know you are and will always be there when they need you. My prayer is that God continue to bless you and the children and give you the strength you all (we all) so desperately need at this most difficulty time. God Bless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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