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Scott

Help please.

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Hi 

looking for some help and advice

my story is been with my now wife for ten years we have a fantastic 4 year old son together, our lives were perfect until 2014 when my father in law committed suicide! My wife had the most inseparable bond with her dad which I witnessed for years. Then my wife caught her dad about to commit suicide everything changed. we as a family moved into his home to offer him support and company whilst we were there we had him at the doctors and set up with a local private support group. After a few weeks he spoke with us told us he was in a better place and seemed more settled he gave us money towards our dream honeymoon as a way of thanking us for helping.

few weeks later he committed suicide leaving behind a wife and three kids. I received a call on the Sunday morning and my life completely fell too bits. I had to phone my wife who was away for the weekend and let her know which was the hardest thing I've ever done. His son was in Australia at the time I had to tell him aswel.

After the funeral  my wife went back to the family business instantly she was busy with work, with a 2 year old, planning our wedding and moving home. To cut a very long story short they had a part of their dads business stolen from them from partners that worked with her father. Every day in that work was a horrendous she battled and fought. Didn't want to go to work most mornings. I could see this was damaging her mentally everyday going to a place where her dad was a massive influence and being repeatedly crushed one way or another.

in march 2015 we got married the day was perfect I knew that her father not being there would be massive thing for her but she was so amazingly strong. After the wedding the family managed to get a settlement from the partners and she was free to walk away from the business. She spent 6 months of work being a great mum but not grieving.she returned to work in the social care sector which she enjoys greatly the problems have started the last 3-4 months.

she had become addicted to working, doing all the hours under the sun pushing me and her family away from her. She would no longer talk to me and our relationship took the hit. It's been 4 months or bickering and disagreements only through being shut out and confused, but she says she's been unhappy for years. And is now wants to split up and move on? She has completely changed person recently! She says she doesn't recognise herself anymore and our child is the one and only source of anything happy in her life!

Does anyone have any experience with something similar?  

Is this grief? I feel like I can't help her when she needs help the most.

scott

 

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I am so very sorry for the loss of your Father in Law and for the impact it has made on your family. My Mother committed suicide 4 years ago and we were so close and my best friend. It has taken this long to get to a new norm. 

It does change your entire world. One feels guilty for not being able to help them, feeling like it might have been something we said or did. You also feel abandoned and maybe we weren't good enough for them to have given up and just left us. A death from an accident or illness, the person didn't choose to leave you, but a suicide, they chose to leave you. You feel betrayed in a way. Why didn't they love me enough to stay? 

You also question everything you were taught by them. Have faith, remain positive, God will get you through the tough times, then they go and do that. Your views of life changes. You realize life is short and fragile. You have no tolerance for petty, bull crap in life because you know what's important in life. 

It takes a very, very long time to heal, if we ever do. We have a million questions that will never be answered. She feels guilty but it's not her fault. It was a weakness within the person that chose that action. 

Your wife is probably shielding her heart and emotions. Since she loved and trusted her Father with all her heart and left her with this nightmare, she may have doubts about you or anyone and she doesn't want to experience that pain again if you should die or abandon her. 

Your wife will never be the same. You will need to show great patience and you will need to find a new norm with her. But don't push her. Sounds like she is still grieving and trying to find an outlet or diversion for her pain. She should keep busy though. She needs to get out of the house. Staying home and dwelling is the worst thing for her. 

Give her more time and she will appreciate your patience. My heart goes out to you both. Your world had been turned upside down and will never be the same. Pray alot, let her talk about it until she is tired of talking about it. It may take several years.

May God wrap his arms around you both and give you comfort, peace and strength. 

Sincerely,  Sherry 

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