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Annalisa79

Sharing experiences. Missing you dad.

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I am new to this but thought it could help me to talk about my experience and others can share theirs. I have never really talked about what happened. In 2006 my dad took his life due to depression. He hung himself in the house where I grew up. I was 26 at the time and not living at home. My mum found him, cut him down and tried to resuscitate him. I remember the phonecall from her. She said 'your dads done the worst'. I didn't want to believe what she was saying and made her say the words to me that he is dead. When I got to her the police were at the bottom of the stairs blocking the view as his body was still there. I remember hugging my mum and we just made endless cups of tea. My brother was in the French Alps at the time having the time of his life with his band gigging the ski resorts. We had to ring him to break the news. I remember speaking to his friend and asking him to take care of my brother as we will be telling him some very bad news about dad. It was the worst thing I have ever had to do. My mum and brother went to pieces and I took on the role of looking after them. At the funeral I didn't cry and felt very guilty for that. I have since cried my heart out regularly but I think the shock and having to be strong for them delayed my reaction. At the funeral the crematorium was full with people standing at the back as all the seats were taken. I remember thinking you're here now but why weren't you here for him when he needed you. My dad was a very kind and considerate person with a great sense of humour when he was well. For the next few weeks it was like every conversation I heard was about suicide and people joking about being depressed etc. I felt like I was going mad. The guilt has and probably always will be one of the worst things - I always think what if I'd been there more and been kinder (we had our moments). I got through it by having to be strong to make sure my mum and brother were OK. My brother went off the rails with drink and drugs but eventually we came through the worst of it and decided to do something positive in dads memory. We took up running and raised money for a mental health charity. I have kept the running going and now do trail, fell and mountain running and owe it all to my dad. I have suffered from mental health problems myself in the past and still have anxiety and my running is one of the only things that can help me feel better. I still think about dad a lot and cry and wish he was here. I don't think that will ever go but I have learned to keep going and take comfort in the things dad taught me to appreciate - art, nature and music. I try to focus on the good things in life even if they are little things. I am listening to the Beatles at the moment which was his favourite band. I couldn't listen before but now I can. It makes me cry a bit but that's ok. I think it's a healing process. Depression is a terrible illness and has taken my dad and robbed him of seeing me and my brother get married, and seeing his grandchildren. I will always love and miss you dad xxxx

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I am sorry about the loss of your dad. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm a runner; I run marathons. It's my therapy, too. I lost my dad a few years ago, but he died from an alcohol-related illness. I miss him. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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Annalisa I'm sorry for your loss.  Losing a parent is terrible, losing one to suicide is something I'd never wish on anyone.  I was only a child when I lost my dad.  He shot himself and I found his body.  Like you, I didn't cry at the funeral.  My mother and everyone thought it was because I didn't love him but it was the shock.  It took me years to find ways to release my pain but I know deep down inside there is still a part there.  I've had a lot of losses since but his was the one that started the pit that is inside me.  I'll talk more about his loss another time and am always willing to listen to you or anyone who needs to talk,

You seem to be on the right path.  You do things to release the pain.  Listening to songs that remind me of my lost ones is something that helps me too.

 

 

 

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