Annoying (to me) common piece of writing for widows

[Mrs. Plummer]

Rant alert, fellow bereaved - can you relate?:

Bloody hell, am I missing something?  In my quest to find material that is helpful, I frequently come across stuff that speaks of the way widows "sanctify" their late men, and how this can annoy people, or be a picture painted of a man that others don't recognise. The latest that I've read asks widows to list the things about their men that annoyed them, so we can "let go"of something which isn't realistic. Condescending twaddle, eyeroll, sigh, and again: I know my Ken had faults, I just don't GIVE a flying **** - he is loved for the whole person he was, and if I want to highlight his excellent characteristics, so what? They're true - and no, I won't be making lists of his pecadillos, thankyou very much. As my daughter snidely and aptly puts it, "Oh right, just remember he could be an ass and everything will be sweet."

Of course, each of us knows of cases in which men who actually were absolute shithouses have been sainted after they died. Where, for example, somebody was an abuser of his children, there might then be a case for people to be annoyed at his sanctification. Failing that, widows who want to remember and highlight the excellent parts of their men are NOT responsible for other people's annoyance, or what image of that man others do or don't recognise. If our grief process violates nobody else's rights, what others think or feel or recognise about it, is not our damn problem. Certainly I don't think we need to make energy available for worrying about the irritation of others.

Fortunately for me, most of the people close to us or to me knew how beautiful my Ken was - and even if there are those who don't "recognise" the man in my posthumous descriptions, I his wife of 30 years DO, because I had that level of intimacy with him. I don't much care that others may not "recognise" it.

Rant over, and hugs to anybody who needs them.

Louise xo

[Emeliza]

I read articles that said that widows sainted their husband as well and because of this we weren't likely to remarry as no one could live up to our husbands.

I figured it was partly true, except I think it is wrong on the 'why' for the remarriage.  I don't think if we get to the point of remarriage we are looking for a replacement.  I don't ever want to replace my husband.  You wouldn't think someone could just have another child to replace one that died right?  If you have another child it is an entirely new person.  If you get married again, it isn't a replacement, it is just adding someone new to your life.  

I think that many widows don't remarry because they don't want to.  I know I don't want to (at least that is how I feel right now).  And I (like you) definitely remember my husband's faults.  Some of them I remember with fondness now and some not so much.  But just like you love your child unconditionally, we loved our partners and spouses unconditionally.  And some of those faults I got upset about really weren't worth getting upset about it.

And that is the dumbest thing I ever heard about listing out my husband's faults or shortcomings. I would hate for him to do that with me.  I prefer to remember him the way he was with me.  

[KMB]

I do a lot of reading myself to help me cope and try to understand. I have not come across any widow articles like you two describe. Nor do I want to. If someone wants to list the not so perfect traits of their spouses, to me that means they did not unconditionally love the whole person. God bless us all.

[Francine]

Come on - Really?

It never ceases to amaze me what some people would think, write, or say.  My husband was the best thing that ever happened to me - faults and all.   Oh yeah, he had them (some that made me cringe) but don't we all - that's part of life - right?  No one on this earth is perfect, if we were, we certainly would be on this earth.  

5 hours ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

to list the things about their men that annoyed them, so we can "let go"of something which isn't realistic.

 Really? Funny, it didn't ask for a listing of wonderful things that made them happy or they could always hold on to. Always the negative - never the positive.    Everything about my husband was realistic - nothing was fake.  

Sometimes articles are basically written just to infuriate us, get a rise out of us - that is - if we let them.  If you read it - laugh - say they are idiots - and move one. You and I both know we loved our loved ones unconditionally and that is truly what matters. 

[KMB]

I know how you feel, Francine. A couple days ago I was scanning a grief page on fb. The administrator was asking the members to give one word to describe how everyone was feeling at that moment. The comments were all similar. Ranging from lonely, incomplete, defeated, depressed, etc. I was thinking to myself, what was the purpose of that posting? To make those members feel more miserable? We all have the same emotions with our losses.

[KayC]

My husband never annoyed me.  I haven't sainted him.  Lord knows we aren't perfect people, just perfect for each other!

[claribassist13]

Some of my fiance's "faults" have come to be some of the things I love to remember the most. 
I remember all of him, but I don't choose to share all of him with other people.