Francine

Lonely Nights

19 posts in this topic

Here I am again crying a river of tears for my love.  It seems that nights and mornings are the worst times of my being.  I think of him more during those times.   I think about what we shared, and what we would be doing - whatever it was - we would be doing it together.  I went to the grocery store today  (one of the things my husband and I would always do together)  - something I hadn't done since he left this world and it was one of the most difficult things for me - just doing some basic shopping.  Going down the isles in the grocery store brought back so many memories.  I could almost visualize him going down the isles or calling me on the phone wondering what isle I was in.   Seeing other couples in the store communicating with one another about food choices hurt my heart so.  Seeing the President (Barack Obama)  final speech on TV tonight had me crying as well - knowing my husband and I watched together when he won the presidency 8 years ago.  Little things seem so big now - now that he's not here to share.   

Being assured by God that he's OK is fantastic but  I still have those agonizing moments - moments where I miss him so much, his voice, his hugs, his arms around me -  I can't stand it.  I try to hold up, but sometimes, I just can't.  I know he would not want me to agonize so, but I cant' help it.  I love him so much with all my being, all my soul.  I know these feeling will pass, but for now, they hurt like hell.  

I pray for God to send me, and not only me, but all of us  the strength and peace we need to get through this.  God Bless us all!  

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Francine....I'm so sorry for your pain. Know that you are not alone in this. I too find mornings and nights to be hardest especially the mornings. Every day I wake up and my heart is heavy and I still can't believe this is my life now. I still can't believe he is gone. I also know how doing the simplest things without them can hurt so much. I can totally relate to your grocery store experience because it's exactly what it felt like for me the first time I went without him especially since we were there just two days before he died. We too would sit together and watch the politics unfold. We were excited to view the last Presidential debate and actually had plans to make an evening of it. Unfortunately he died that afternoon and we never got to do it. He was so into the elections but he wasn't here for the outcome. It all made me so very sad that we weren't able to share that together. We had so many plans for our future and now they're all shattered. I feel lost. Your feelings of agony will pass. For some reason I haven't been crying for a few days now and I'm afraid that when it comes back it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm sad all the time though. 

I start my mornings by coming to this forum and I feel this is what gives me the strength to get out of bed and function for the rest of the day. In fact since I've started reading and posting here I have began to feel a little stronger so thanks to everyone here. It's all your words that have helped me. 

I pray that we all get a little stronger each day. I pray that we make it through today and have courage to face another day without the love of our lives. 

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Nads

Thank you for your kinds words - they really helped me knowing I'm not alone with my feelings - knowing there are others who know and share what I'm experiencing.  I thank God for this website and continue to ask Him to give us all the strength and peace we need to go one.   

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Francine and Nads-----Thank you for sharing. We are all here for each other. Our experiences and heartache have us reaching out and it is a good thing to be able to come to this forum. This has become my morning routine, actually I stay logged in throughout the day. I need this outlet to cope.

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Francine,

It's funny you should mention the grocery store because that is one of the things I found hardest to do after my husband died.  At first my daughter got groceries for me.  I remember the day making the trek in (about 50 miles from where I live in the country) alone, it was so hard.  We always got groceries together.  We'd make a day of it, go have lunch someplace, get groceries, he'd bag them while I watched the pricing, he always carried them in for me.  I saw other couples still together, and it was so hard. 

I, too, feel so grateful we have a place to come to and share and know we are not alone in our feelings.

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What is it about grocery stores? The first time I went to the store since my partner passed I had a panic attack and had to run out. Now I can manage to go without that happening but its not unusual for me to have tears running down my face as I'm wandering round. Its when I see the things I used to buy for my partner knowing how much he enjoyed them. Trying to adjust to this new life is so hard. 

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Yep, something about them.  I melted down in a grocery store the first time I had to go.  I even picked one we didn't go to often.  My 18 year old did a lot of the shopping the first couple months.

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Emeliza, Katie, and KayC

Ladies, thanks so much for responding.  I don't feel totally foolish knowing that the grocery store experience is somewhat of a normal one to get through. Eventually, I hope it won't be as difficult as the first time and looking back I can smile when I recall saying to my husband "put that cake back - it's not good for either one of us". :D. 

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That is a lovely memory about the cake. 

I still get choked up when I see something my husband would have bought for me as a treat or that I would have bought for him, or some other memory comes to mind, but I am generally "ok" now.  Tomorrow is week 21.

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Grocery stores are difficult for me because I remember the things I'm no longer buying for my Ken, as well as the fact that he always came with me. Sometimes I cry openly in the aisles. The first trip was horrendous - I was literally dizzy with pain when I saw oranges, and remembered how my husband used to bring home huge boxes of them from various fruiterers he hauled freight for.  Seeing older couples is very painful too. No, Francine, and others who experience shopping as hard, you are definitely not alone.

Louise xo

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Louise xo

Thanks for the kind words - they are comforting and uplifting.  I'm really greatful to this website and all the wonderful peoplewho have listened to me and responded with such compassion -  you don't know what that means to me.  It allows me to literally pour out what is hurting me the most - the lost of my husband of nearly 45 years.  Death leaves a memory nothing can heal, but LOVE, Love leaves a memory no one can steal.    I thank God for the love of my life and the years he allowed us to spend on this earth.  I know the love we had will always be and there is a place in my heart where it is safe - a place that I can always go to - believe me I've gone there millions of times.  I know we will be together again - but that time will be forever - forever in eternity - that is gonna be awesome.

My prayer is that we all experience God's love, strength and inner peace.  It's there; all we need do is open our hearts -  God will do the rest.  God Bless you all!

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We know and believe we will be reunited someday with our partners. The hardest part is the waiting. I commiserate with you all with the grocery shopping. The last time I stopped in at the small local grocery, I noticed there was the seedless cucumbers and snap peas my husband liked. A slap in the face. I would have to drive 30 miles to buy those for my husband and now it would just be a 7 mile drive. A cruel twist of life to my perception.

We were the best, loving, giving wives. The *whys* of our losses is always going to be incomprehensible. Personally, I am looking at 20-30+ more years of waiting to be reunited with my husband, that is also incomprehensible. It is a struggle to get through each day. It has been a little over 5 months that I have endured without my husband. I don't look at the big picture of the future, but it is lurking in the back of my mind. I want him to be proud of me for continuing living this life that he is unable to do, but I thought we'd be doing it together for many more years yet. I see so many elderly couples that have been together for 60 years or better and wonder why them and not me.

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I can't handle the thought of how long I might have to wait to see my husband again.  I often think, I just need to raise our youngest and get her out on her own and maybe God can take me too.  Probably not healthy, but it is more bearable to think of 6-10 years vs living another 50ish.

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i know it is not healthy to keep thinking in such a negative way wondering why I am still here without my soul mate. Yes, I have many things to be thankful and grateful for. All those things are due to my husband and how much he loved me. I have to use those things and the love to sustain me.

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I was 52 when my husband died.  In my family they usually live to 92.  That being the case, I was looking at 40 years or so without him.  That seemed daunting to me, who couldn't even imagine a week without him!

I try not to think about the rest of my life, it's too daunting.  I try to just get through what I must.  I want to live long enough to take care of my pets, beyond that, I try not to think.

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I know exactly what you mean about the grocery store. My wife and I were 90% of the time hand in hand everywhere we went, including walking around the grocery store. It was always a bit of difficulty pushing the shopping cart with 1 hand, but I always did it gladly to be able to hold her hand. It is still a very lonely feeling to go to the store alone, but the first few times I felt like I could not stand the sorrow and loneliness.

 

And the nights are by far the worst for me. Once the kids go to bed, the lights go out, and I lay down all by myself. That's when it hits me the hardest.

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Yes, nights are the hardest. You are by yourself with just your thoughts. The mind doesn't leave you alone and you cannot sleep.Some of us sleep on the sofa or in another room. Some are fortunate to be able to stay with family or friends for awhile. We are here, you are not alone.

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Yep, recliner for me in the same room with my dog and cat, less lonely that way.  Middle of the night is tough, if I wake up, my mind races and I can't go back to sleep.  My mind is on him all the time, as if I'm still sharing life with him even after all these years.

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Nights are horrible. Alone in the dark, on his side of the bed, on his pillow. In the daytime there are things that require attention, steps to take, chores to take care of. But at night it's quiet. Alone with emptiness and grief that is so deep it feels impossible to go on. I hate the nights.

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