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JMEagle

Loss of both parents sort of...

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JMEagle   

I don't really know what all to say... My dad passed away May 20th of last year, nearly eight months ago due to cardiac arrest. He was 56, he'd been suffering from a cold and his doctor had him try this pill that he should not have been prescribed, 24hours after the first dose he was gone. At the time of my dad's death I was on vacation with my now ex-boyfriend, I was six hours away when I got the call he was being rushed to the hospital so I struggle with the guilt of not being home everyday. I made it three hours before I found out through a neighbors Facebook post offering her condolences that he had passed. I was heartbroken I was a daddy's girl, he was my everything. That first month was pure torture, I barely made it through it. At the end of it I ended up single as well, my ex couldn't handle me grieving so he decided to leave. I wasn't really hurt at the time by that but I found out later that it's left me emotionally unable to really bring myself to talk to my new boyfriend when I have bad days where I miss my dad in fear he will do the same even though I know he wont. Two months after my dad passed my mother started dating again, it was awkward for my siblings and I but we wanted to be supportive. She unfortunately lost the first guy she actually got serious with because he passed away. That death seemed to hurt her more than my dad's and they'd only been together two months compared to my parents 36years. She'd taken to speaking poorly of my father and it made me struggle to have a relationship with her. I tried countless times to rebuild the relationship but she kept pushing me with her speaking negatively about my dad. In October she went on one date with a friend of her late boyfriend and that same day decided to move in with him and leave my brother, his wife and kids and myself at the house. A month later Thanksgiving week, the first major holiday since he passed she decided to move the boyfriend into the house my dad bought for his children to be closer to each other. We begged her to wait after the holidays but she refused. That's the week all my dad's stuff started leaving. there is very few items of his in her possession, she threw most of it away or my brother or I saved it. She didn't even keep the picture I had framed of her and my dad, the only picture she had of him. Everything was replaced with the new guys stuff, we were all trying to be supportive but it was hard. We were constantly fighting but I couldn't move, I'm stuck being in the same house with her. She wanted us all to be over my dad's death, which we're not there yet. I'm working towards getting through the grieving process and I'm almost there but it's hard with her constantly pushing. I started dating a man a few months ago, a month after her and her boyfriend got together. She has been nothing but rude and disrespectful to him while has been nothing but nice to her. I'm at a loss of what to do, I don't want to lose my mother too but it feels like when dad died she changed into who she was before they got married and had us kids and is no longer our mother. I'm barely into my twenties and this is the prime time I need my parents advice as I start moving toward having my own family. I struggle with anxiety and depression so I still have times where my dad's death weigh heavily on me, I have nightmares involving her and my dad and I don't know how to get past this point. I just want to get to the point where it's not a constant ache for my dad to be back, I accept that he's gone but I still want him to come home. Most of those I know still have their parents so they don't understand. Any advice or anything or stories of hope would be greatly appreciated.

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Dear JMEagle,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your cherished father. I know you are going through a lot. You sound like a very mature and strong young woman. I know grief affects everyone differently and it sounds like you have tried to be supportive of your mother through this difficult time. Are you able to access any community resources, through school, or church or a local support group? Try to take care of yourself the best you can. Thinking of you.

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JMEagle   

Thank you so much. 

I have, at first I did everything to make her happy. I dated who she wanted and did what she wanted but then she just wanted to much. And now I'm in the best relationship I can be and she tries to cause problems whenever she can. I'm not letting her but its still hard to watch someone who used to be there for me try to destroy everything I'm building. I'm the only one who has really been working through the grief of lossing my dad and it's hard carrying everyone's weight sometimes. The last two months I've really been set to work on me, that's why i joined this was so I could see how other people dealt with situations and just being in a group of people who know the daily struggles. I've tried but the earliest I can leave is around June so I have a few more months. After he passed I got a second dog and it's been hard finding a place where it's dog friendly enough for two large dogs but I honestly couldn't be without them. 

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You are a good daughter. Trying to make your mom happy. But sometimes with certain people no matter what we do, they will never be happy. You have done the best you can. And as you said, you have a lot on your shoulders. Glad you are looking for a new place and have two wonderful dogs for support. Dogs are the best at giving unconditional love and support. During the difficult times, its like you said, we have to stay strong and not let others tear us down. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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Dear JMEagle , 

I just wanted to send a message that I am so sorry for the loss of your father . My dad died when I was in my early teens from congestive heart failure while in his early 50's also . Several years later my mom dated in order to find someone to help her raise us 4 kids . Needless to say , it didn't turn out to be in our best interests although my mom really did try to find a suitable husband. 

I miss my dad terribly . You mentioned nightmares. I too use to dream about my dad still being alive and I didn't know it . I would dream that he had been alive this whole time and I never went to see him . I didn't cry much about my dad's passing , probably because I thought I should be " grown up " and be strong for my family . That was a huge mistake ! Holding in emotions is physically damaging to a person . I have developed fibromyalgia, which can be a result of stressful situations . I have high blood pressure too . I never suspected my health would be in jeopardy like it is now from " keeping a stiff upper lip " . I only mention this so you take the time to grieve and allow your body and mind the opportunity to go thru the mourning process at your own pace . 

I don't know if any of my personal situation will help or not . Something that that has been a great aid and comfort for me is some Scriptures that talks about sadness and difficult circumstances . You probably have a religious affiliation, but rest assured , I'm not trying to make you change your viewpoint . Perhaps you feel the same as this Bible writer who said , " I have grown weary with my sighing ; all night long I soak my bed with tears ; I flood my couch with weeping ." ( Psalms 6:6 ) 

Maybe these verses can be compared to your feelings , " O Jehovah , hear my prayer ; let my cry for help reach you . Do not hide your face from me in my time of distress. Incline your ear to me ; do answer me quickly when I call . " ( Psalms 102: 1,2 ) Since your father's death , do you feel that God doesn't even care , like there is no point in turning to him for comfort ? I've talked to persons that feel that way and certainly , the writer of these particular verses may have feel that way too. But notice this last verse at Psalms 102:17 , " He will pay attention to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their prayer ." 

I just so happen to have some free reading material on how to cope with the death of a loved one and on teenage depression . I volunteer my time to send such materials to person's at not cost to them or obligation . This same material can be downloaded . If you would like to have access to such materials , you may contact me thru this website . 

I sincerely hope you have found some comfort and I pray you have peace of mind and heart .

Best Wishes !

Frances  

 

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