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Grief worse now than in the beginning


dwis

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Lost my partner of 28 years unexpectedly on 11/8/16. My friends and family have been very supportive, but as time goes by they are moving on with their lives and I feel as though I am standing still.
My grief is worse now than it was in the beginning, so I'm looking for support from others who have had a similar experience.

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I think that is just how it works.  The first few weeks I was busy and everyone was reaching out.  As time goes on, everyone goes back to their lives as time doesn't stand still.  It gets easier, but it is like waves.  Someone sent this to me.  It sort of explains it, although it is harder and worse than this makes it out to be.  This sort of makes light of what we are going thru, but the waves are very true.  Right now we are still in the tsunami.  But this helps me to know that the waves will always hit, and I want them to as I love my husband oh so much, but at some point you get to breath bit.  

Use this forum though for all those waves.

http://www.tickld.com/x/old-man-explains-death-and-life-to-grieving-young-man

I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. 

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents...

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. 

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. 

If you're lucky, you'll have lots ofscars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

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dwis--My condolences and heart go out to you. Losing a partner is a horrendous ordeal. The most pain inducing journey of our lives has begun and we didn't ask for it, but here it is. You have made your way to a wonderful forum. Many of us here to listen, understand and share. This place is my comfort area. 99.9% of the people I personally know have not lost a spouse/partner and they of course, don't understand the depth of pain and emptiness.

The grieving is worse now. There are stages to the process. The *busyness* of the first weeks has abated and people are moving on. Just focus on breathing, taking one day at a time. Doing what you need to do for yourself. Everything is overwhelming, just getting through the day is enough and do not think about the future. We don't know what is there , so no sense in thinking of it.   Prayers, love and hugs to you.

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I lost my wife on 8/15/16. Everyone says it will get better I'm just now to 

the point where I can talk about her without crying.

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1 minute ago, Broken4855 said:

I lost my wife on 8/15/16. Everyone says it will get better I'm just now to 

the point where I can talk about her without crying.

I am sorry, but glad you are to that point.  My husband passed on 8/18.  Sometimes I cry now because I don't have people to talk to about him. 

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Thank you for the posts, I think this forum will be very helpful.

 

The wave description is so true and it feels very much like drowning at times.  It also feels to me like grief has a life of its own, like it demands to be acknowledged.  I can keep myself busy for a couple of days and be ok, but then its like grief catches up and ambushes me. It demands attention.

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dwis,

I'm sorry for your loss but glad you found this place.  In the beginning you're in shock and I think that protects you a bit, numbs you, but then as the shock begins to wear off and people go home to their lives, it's hard hitting what you're left with.  It's hard when no one around you understands what you're going through and you feel so all alone.  Having my grief site saved me, it was my safe place to go to where others understood and cared.

Broken,

Welcome to this website, I am very sorry for your loss.  It's the hardest thing in the world to have to continue without your spouse, but we're doing it, one day at a time, and we'll walk this journey with you if you want us to.  We're all in this together.

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Broken4855---Something led you to this particular forum, it is a safe place. So sorry for your loss and that you have to be here with the rest of us. Many wonderful people here who will listen, comfort and share. None of us would have thought we would be needing this outlet, but I am thankful it is here. My only source of comfort theses days.

Your wife meant the world to you, you loved her beyond anything. You will carry that love and the memories in your heart forever. Yes, we do reach a point where we can talk about our partners without crying, especially the stories that can make us laugh. But there will also still be times that you do cry. Those times can be spontaneous, any little thing can be the trigger. We just miss our partners so much. We were entwined with them and their physical presence is always going to be missed.

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Dwis,

I feel your pain and am so terribly sorry for your lost.  My husband of almost 45 years left his earth on December 6, 2016 and I was devastated.  I felt so lonely and I thought I was at the end of my rope - didn't know what to do.  In the beginning you are surrounded with friends and family giving their comfort and condolences.  After a time, people get back to their daily lives and a lot of the support you once had slowly diminishes.    That's only normal and you expect that. Since my retirement two years go, my husband and I would plan what we were going to do this spring, summer and rest of this new year.  My normal day now is getting up and literally doing nothing.  I don't think my husband would want me to just do nothing, so I'll try something - right now - its just so hard.

Your partner will always be with you; they are in spirit form with the Almighty and when your earthly work is complete, you too will return to the spirit form -  guess who will be awaiting your return - your love - your partner.   That will be awesome.   So mourn, love, and honor your partner - that's to be expected and what we need to help us heal.  

My prayer is that God grant you his love and strength and you be filled with his everlasting peace.  Open your heart and be open to Him - he'll do the rest.  God Bless. .  

 

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