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I don't want to do this anymore


Katie S

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My partner of 31 years passed away on October 6th 2016 and I am destroyed. No warning, no time to say our goodbyes. He'd had an acute heart attack caused by blocked arteries. How can he be here one day, then just gone?  He was 56 and I am 49. This is beyond cruel. We were supposed to grow old together.  I just want to be with him but instead i'm stuck in this existence with no purpose. He was my sole purpose, he was my life. I miss him every second and I will never stop loving him. If anything I feel I love him more if that's even possible. Like many on here I'm desperate for some sort of sign that he's ok but I've had nothing. I cling on to the hope that there is an afterlife and that one day we will be together again. My mum passed away in May 2016 and that was so hard to deal with but losing my partner is the worst thing that could have ever happened. It's completely different to losing a relative but not many people get it.  His family don't understand why i am struggling so much and have said some things to me which are hurtful even though I know that was not their intention.  They don't live in the same country as me, we communicate online. His brother basically said to me that he wasn't going to contact me for a while. He said I could contact him when I was 'feeling better'. So i guess that's the end of that conversation.   

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Hello Katie

I too lost my husband on 6th October, a day after my birthday from a heart incident.  I am sorry for your distress and loss although these words are not even adequate.  It's heart-rending because the longer it goes on the more the sorrow seems to set in and the panic that we won't see them again.  It's like you have lost two people, your loved one and yourself as you realise there is no looking at life again through the same pair of eyes, and that hurts.  A partner is the one you can do just nothing with and that's just ok. I am 51 and I thought we would have a fair few more years.  It hurts beyond belief I know and the suddenness adds to the trauma.  If you are anything like me you may not have processed it fully yet either.  You are right when you say people don't always understand.  Sometimes people think when they don't see you crying outwardly then you mustnt be crying inside either.  Plus, this is a double bereavement so your resources to cope must be running so very low as well.  Losing your Mum is a major bereavement.  Have you had any medical help or counselling to help you?  I truly, really empathise with you regarding your partner's passing.  Heart events don't wait around until you have got used to the idea do they.  That's an extra pile of distress.  Don't do what I am doing and bottling everything inside - it makes you more isolated.  My Husband and I believe in the ressurection and I have hope, it's that what you mean by 'afterlife'.  It's a sad life for us but I hope we are able to manage through each day the best we can.   Take care Katie.

 

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TLW19 - I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I could never had imagined the pain and devastation we are going through. You are so right when you say its like  losing two people. We were together for so long we became one person and i don't know how I'm still here. I feel guilty about that and long to be with him. I cry every day multiple times a day. Grief assaults me constantly, it doesn't care if I'm alone or with others. I prefer to be alone to be honest. Its all i can do most days to get out of bed. I haven't been able to return to work but I know that can't go on much longer. I have had medical help from my GP who prescribed anti anxiety and anti depressants but i had terrible side effects so i had to stop taking them. I can't sleep, I've lost weight and my hair is falling out. Just great!!! My GP also gave me the details of some grief counselling but I haven't contacted them yet as as soon as I talk about my partner I break down.

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Hello again Katie

As you talk about your 'GP' I am thinking you are a UK resident.  If so, is it CRUSE counselling you are talking about.  Depending on where you live there can be a long waiting list. It wasn't for me, so my GP is arranging something different. I was offered anti anxiety and antidepressants but I was too scared to take them after I read the side effects so I am going through this horrendous life without.  I have developed panic attacks as well.  For the first month I couldnt get out of bed until late afternoon either and I have gone back a bit in that respect as I don't want to now either.  I understand all about the weight and hair thing too.  If you are anything like me your head will feel like it's ready to explode. It feels like there is a dirty, glass screen between me and the outside 'ordinary' world as well.   I feel very guilty that I am still here too and I grieve for my husband's lost opportunities and life experiences.  I also don't know how I am still here, but it's not a functioning life anymore.  I hope I haven't depressed you any further, I belong to a UK forum as well and it's truly shocking how many wives/partner's have lost their spouses to heart attacks and indeed on this one as well.  This time last year I never would have thought I would be writing about this, as you didnt. I hope things get more tolerable for you and I and all of us on this site - I'm not looking forward to trying though.  All my best wishes. PS - I write to my husband every night as if I am talking to him and telling him what I have done in the day.  I can't say it's a comfort all the time but it does help sometimes.

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Yes I live in the UK and it is CRUSE counselling and also Trinity hospice counselling that has been recommended by my GP. Its disappointing to learn CRUSE has a long waiting list as that was the one I was hoping to try. My mum passed away in the hospice so I didn't want to use their counselling service as I thought it would be too difficult. Medication can be really helpful but its not for everyone including me. I also talk to my partner all the time and kiss his photo. I still have all his belongings exactly where he left them. Tears are now flowing as I write this..............

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Hello Katie

I am so sorry for distressing you Katie, maybe I should not have been so specific.  I was offered counselling with Trinity Hospice as my Husband was offered care there, it just felt too close for comfort so I opted for a GP referral.  There must be many Trinity Hospices as I am talking about Trinity Hospice in Bispham Blackpool.   So sorry again for distressing you and causing you hurt Katie.

 

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TLW19 - your kind words of support have brought me nothing but comfort and I want to thank you with all of my shattered heart for taking the time to reply to me. 

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Thanks for your understanding Katie, please take care and I hope you have a peaceful a night as possible.  If there is a facility to private message and you need to, please don't hesitate.  I don't even know if you can do that on this site as I am new to it.  I belong to a lovely, friendly and supportive UK community called "The Sue Ryder Online Community". 

Warmest regards Tina.

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Katie S and TLW19---so sorry, you have my condolences. What is it with heart attacks? My husband also. His last day was great, we had a friend over for awhile in the afternoon. Having a good time talking, laughing. We had a normal night, cooked supper, the cleanup and then watching tv.  Later that night, after going to bed, he was gone.I understand about being together so long, a couple becomes like one. We completed each other. Our losses have changed us forever.

I hope this forum becomes your comfort zone like it has for me. We are all going through such similar reactions. No sleep, weight loss and hair loss. Panic attacks, crying spells.

We will survive this ordeal. We have no choice. It is said on here by others further along their journey that it will get easier to carry this pain, that we adjust to it. We will find a new purpose and life for ourselves. God bless us all, I hope so.

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I am so sorry for your loss Katie (and you too of course TLW).  My husband also passed due to an unexpected heart attack.  I lost my best friend and it is the worst feeling.  Thoughts are with you.

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Hi everyone. Thank you for your support. It means so much to me. We are all existing now in a life we didn't choose and its pure hell. However, it is so comforting to be able to share my feelings on here knowing I won't be told to 'get over him and move on' or even 'you are still young, you will find someone else'. The family members who are saying that to me obviously don't know me. I could never or would ever do that. To even write these words brings more pain to my already broken heart.

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Katie S....l'm so sorry for your loss..it's so unfortunate that we are all here going through this. I lost my husband on October 19th 2016 from a sudden heart attack. 

I can relate with you when you say people say the most awkward things to us sometimes..I believe they mean we'll buy they just have no idea of what we are going through. Last night a friend invited me to small social event and was very insistent that I attend because he felt like I need to get out and socialize so it will help get my mind off my situation. I didn't attend because I'm in no mood or frame of mind to meet people and smile through an entire evening so everyone could think I am ok.

Each day is a challenge for us..just getting out of bed is hard much less having to fully function in our daily lives..but we are expected to and eventually we have to. Woke up this morning knowing it's going to be another hard day for me. I have an uncle who has been ailing for some time now from cancer and he's on his last now. I know I should visit him but I just don't know how. 

I hope and pray for us to make it through this somehow. 

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My condolences and thoughts are with everyone on here who has lost their spouse/partner. I know there are no words which can even come close to describe what we are all going through. 

Nads - I understand you not being able to attend a social event. I couldn't do it either. Its exhausting pretending you are ok when you are anything but. I can't do anything yet that we enjoyed doing together as a couple. Even watching our favourite tv show. Its just too painful. 

Mornings are the worst time for me too. Reality hits hard the minute I open my eyes. I spend so many days being unable to get out of bed. 

I am so sorry about your uncle. My mum passed away in May from cancer. I know how hard it will be for you. ((((hugs)))) 

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I'm sorry for all of your losses.  We don't have to get referrals to counselors in the US because we pay for it ourselves, few have coverage through insurance and when they do it's usually a reg. counselor, not a grief one and for a limited period of time. 

My husband was sudden heart attack also, he was 51, I was 52.  Never expected that in a million years!

I'm glad you're listening to your inner self and what is right for you.  People's responses are often inappropriate because they do not understand what it's like.  They might think they know how they'd handle it if they went through it, but they have not a clue.

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KatieS..I gathered up enough courage to visit my uncle and I'm so glad that I did. He has been ailing for some time so he wasn't able to attend the funeral for my husband. We spoke on the phone a bit though. I'm glad I did because I could tell he was happy to see me cause he hugged me and didn't want to let go. I'm so sorry for his pain. Am I selfish but in a way I am relieved that my beloved husband never had any pain and suffering???? Part of me wanted to ask my uncle when he meets my husband to let him know how much I loved and missed him but I know that would be a horrible thing to say to someone who is dying. Just writing this I feel like a horrible person. I just miss my husband so much and desperately feel the need to communicate with him. 

I hope you had a stronger day today Kate and I pray for strength for us to get through tomorrow.

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Nads, Brave of you to visit your uncle, despite your own suffering. He was so happy to see you and was most likely missing you. I feel that humbleness, compassion and empathy are brought out even more in those of us going through our own grieving. It is what we wish more of from the people in our lives at this time. Your uncle will remember your visit and your love. I feel that when he makes his transition, he will reunite with your husband and they both will be proud of that visit. Your husband was probably with you on that visit spiritually. He's already proud of you for continuing on.

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Katie,

I lost my heart (my husband) on 12/6/16 and like you didn't know how I was going to live without him.  We had been married for almost 45 years and was still so much in love with one another.  He was my life, father our two children and best friend and I didn't mind telling him so.  We often told one another how much we loved each other and I was glad he knew that when he left this world.  I too desperately needed to know if he was OK and thought that if I knew he was OK then I'd be OK.  I would often have dreams and actually remember their contents,  but since his passing, hadn't had any.  I needed a sign, be it a dream, a person (they say God works in mysterious ways) or something else - anything else.   Last week while reading my daily devotions, I was overwhelmed with grief and began to cry.  I put the book down I was reading and began to say the Lord's Prayer.  After that I closed my eyes and ask for Gods strength and peace in my life.  Suddenly, it seemed like a veil covered me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and I felt this inner peace that was unimaginable.  God actually spoke to my spirit and said "He's OK".  I immediately knew my husband was OK. A weight was lifted from my heart that only God could lift.   God in his infinite wisdom will let us know the answers to our questions; all we need do is trust him and open our heart.  My wish is that you find the assurance and peace our are looking for.  

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Nads - You were so brave visiting your uncle and I'm glad it went well. To witness someone going through so much pain is heartbreaking and I too am thankful my partner didn't suffer in that way. I understand your desperation for wanting to know your husband is ok. We would say or do anything to get that confirmation. 

Francine - I am so sorry for your loss. How wonderful for you to know that your husband is ok. I can only imagine the comfort that brought you. You said a weight was lifted that only God could lift. I am not religious and I am fearful that I will never get the assurance I so desperately need. 

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Katie

 While you may not be a religious person, I'll continue to pray that you receive the assurance you need. Take care!

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Francine - thank you so much. Its times like this I wish I did have more faith as I know it can bring so much comfort. 

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I went back out to back from today. As I woke up this morning I prayed for strength to make it through the day. When driving to work I gave myself a pep talk. I actually didn't have a bad day. Guess I was distracted from my grief a bit as I was crazy busy most of the day. I was dreading coming home from work so I visited a cousin at the hospital who went in to have a baby. She had no other visitors at that time so I was relieved about not having to run into other people or relatives. Got home a bit late and was very tired so I hope I get more sleep than usual. As I write this I could feel my heart sinking as I'm missing my husband so much. I pray for all of us to start having better days....ones that don't hurt so much and ones that make us so tired all we can do is fall asleep...sad. 

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Nads - I'm so glad your first day back at work went well. I start back on the 23rd Jan and already I am getting stressed/anxious about going back. Part of me will welcome the distraction I so badly need but I am also so worried that I won't be able to remember how to actually do my job due to major brain fog. I work in a large office and another concern of mine is imagining my co workers all staring at me with a look of pity on their faces. I hope I am wrong and that won't happen. I do tend to over think things too much. But like you I am hoping it will help with sleep. 

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Going back to work is tough and it's difficult to keep it together when your co-workers approach you to offer comfort but it will happen and most of them do mean well. I realize they just don't know what to say and sometimes end up sounding insensitive. But being back at work busys your mind for a little time and helps to distract you a bit from your grief. All through it though it's like a cloud of darkness just hangs over you. All that but I'm thankful to be able to get out of the house every day now. I'm even looking into activities I can do after work to occupy my time instead of coming home to an empty house each day. Maybe go to the gym or a yoga class or something. Pray that we all have a better day today and grow a little stronger with each moment we move forward. 

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Thank you Nads for your words of encouragement. Instead of dreading going back to work I'm going to try and think of it as a positive step. I'm sure there will be a lot of moments spent in the loos having a good cry and maybe even a few tears at my desk but I'm sure my co workers will understand. I also like your idea of doing an activity after work to delay going home. My partner worked from home so he was always there to welcome me with a big smile on his face. I would give anything to have one more day with him to see that smile again. Just one more day.......

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I had to go back 2 weeks after my husband passed.  I thought it would be awful, but I work in cubicle land so I can sit in my cubicle and cry and it is fine.  I got some kind words at first, but mostly people treat me as they did before so that helped.  

Some days are awful still, but most of the time it is just work.  

One thing to keep in mind is that adult speak is almost always started with a nonchalant asking of "How are you doing?"  I think it comes out so automatically, people don't even realize it.  At first I would well up with tears every time it would be asked because I would think of how well I was doing and it isn't well at all.  But I leaned to answer with things like "As well as can be expected." Or just the staple answers of "ok" or "fine".  I sort of try to shut down anything further unless the person is a good friend.  

There are still times I cry over it.  Still times I cry in front of people (which I hate doing).  Most people look at you with vague understanding (they know why, but they haven't been thru it) and generally try and ignore it.  We luck out in some ways.  People know they can't fix or help us so they don't come to try and make it all better as they would someone else crying unexpectedly at work.

Best wishes 

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In addition to my grief and having an immense amount of legal issues to deal with, I am overwhelmed with dealing with having persons gossip about such matters. 

My husband had a daughter from his first marriage. We never had much of a relationship even though I tried. She never liked me and I accepted that. My husband would try for us to have a relationship but he didn't force it because he knew the kind of person his daughter was. He loved  her but knew she wasn't a nice person at all. 

Anyway now that he is gone, her mother and her seem to be determined to try to make my life a living hell. I no longer live in our matrimonial home. Luckily I had my own home and kept it so I'm back there now. All that has been going on had taken a tremendous toll on me because i wasn't allowed grieve normally in a sense because i was dealing with some many other things. My husband had his own business and even that now fell on me. It's all so much that I am not even sure I'm explaining it clearly and fully. 

I live in a community that's thrives on gossip it seems and it seems that no one has anything else to discuss except for my situation. Most of the time I can tune it off and focus on me but today I being bombarded by it. 

Sometimes I wish I could just escape from all this and never return. 

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I am so sorry you have to deal with the gossip and drama along with everything else.

The legalities of it all are overwhelming enough even without adding the grief, loss and emotions.  

Do you have a good lawyer?  I hope your husband had a will and life insurance.  Mine did not which has been our strain, but thankfully almost everything we had was in my name.  He hated having his name on things and his credit wasn't all that great and mine was.  It was a big blessing in many ways, but really sucky in other ways as I had to sell his car and such right away as I couldn't afford it all and if my mom had not helped, I wouldn't have been able to even pay for the funeral.  I had no idea of those costs.  I do have life insurance and I hope to make things easier for my family by paying for that type of stuff now as much as I am able.

Anyway, didn't mean to turn this post into my issues.  I can't imagine the family drama you are dealing with and my thoughts are with you.

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Katie,

Instead of looking at it as pity (coworkers), think of it as caring.  My coworkers were wonderful to me when I went back to work...I only took two weeks off but had to go in and do payroll day 5.  It was hard to work when my brain was mush, but I got through it somehow.
 

Nads,

I'm sorry you're going through so much.  One thing about gossip is, they usually move on to someone/something else.  I've been through that too, it's no fun.  Smile at everyone and determine you won't give them the power to change who you are with their pettiness and evil. 

Keep in mind how much your husband loves you still.  That always brings me comfort.

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KayC....I'm sorry you had to through the similar drama that I have to put up with now. I just wish it could all come to an end and I can start getting my life back together but I know this is going to drag on for some time. Unfortunately my husband had nothing in place yet and I know death was the furthest thing from his mind and he felt he had time to put things in place properly. Sometimes I find myself feeling a bit angry at him for leaving me so suddenly and with such a mess to deal with. But I will rally on through this because I know it's what he would want me to do. It's getting harder and harder though. Friends say to me God doesn't give you more than you can bare...I wonder how much he thinks I can take because I feel I have had enough. 

Hope we all get through whatever drama that may come our way. 

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I have to say, I greatly dislike that phrase that God doesn't give you more than you can bear.  It isn't even biblical.  There is a verse that touches on that, but that isn't actually what it says.

Personally I think God gives us more than we can bear all the time.  I think He does it so that we will turn to Him or ask for help.  He wants us to reach out to Him and to others thru Him.  

Not trying to force my opinions on others, but I have to admit, I have had a lot more than I can bear and I swear the only way I have been able to keep going is my faith and friends.  

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Nads,

I hate it when people quote platitudes at you, even taking things out of context to do it.  I get how you're feeling, I've felt the same way.
Emeliza,

I think you're right.  I was thinking the exact same thing.  But I'm not sure God "gave" us this.  I think life just happens and it seems luck of the draw who gets hit.  I don't believe God willed them to die and our lives to be turned upside down.  Others may disagree, but I just don't see God being like that.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:


Emeliza,

I think you're right.  I was thinking the exact same thing.  But I'm not sure God "gave" us this.  I think life just happens and it seems luck of the draw who gets hit.  I don't believe God willed them to die and our lives to be turned upside down.  Others may disagree, but I just don't see God being like that.

I don't think God willed my husband to die.  I think He allowed it.  If you are Christian, you believe He allowed His son to die after taking on sins of the world.  My husband is a pretty freaking awesome guy and I love him more than any other man, but my husband was not the messiah. 

I don't want to be mad at God so this is just how I have handled it.  I believe in the afterlife and my anger won't help me in this life or the next.

My thoughts on God are that He does not micromanage and does not change the course of what happens in most cases.  He is here for us, but as you said, life happens.  I am not sure I would call it bad luck, but either way, it is what it is.  I can't change what happened, just learn from it so hopefully it doesn't happen again.  

My husband had an unknown health issue that was most likely hereditary.  I made sure all of his siblings and parents received the part of his autopsy that explained the heart issues and have encouraged them all to get it checked out.  I also have been working to set up my affairs in case life takes me away unexpectedly as it did him.  I don't want to leave this my children or family.  So far that is all I have learned aside from pain, truly loneliness and an ache that won't go away.  Losing your other half is awful.  Maybe I learned a bit of compassion as well.....

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Katie, I am so sorry your husband passed so suddenly. I can certainly understand the sense of loving him more now - I printed out  Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem, "How do I Love Thee" and hung it on the wall especially because I could understand the words "And if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death." Consolidating a belief in an afterlife in which Ken is well and happy and still loves me has been a true comfort. Material I've read has helped, most particularly a book titled 'Hello from Heaven" by Bill and Judy Guggenheim, and an online course I've done called Love Knows No Death (and if you're interested please feel free to message me about that). For what it's worth, I truly believe that you and your love will be together again someday.

Regarding his family: My husband's family have also made noises to me about "moving on" etc. Each of them has their husbands to go home to and thus no right to tell me how to feel.  At the end of the day, your process is YOURS and it's very very okay.

 

Take the best care you can, sweetheart,

 

Louise xo

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Hi Louise - Thank you so much for your recommendations regarding the afterlife. I will certainly take a look. I've done quite a lot of reading about it already and youtube has become my new best friend. I guess I just refuse to accept that I will never see my partner again and if it brings us some comfort on this horrible road we are now all on, then that can only be a good thing. 

Yesterday I had to go into work for a meeting although I don't officially start back until the 23rd Jan. I didn't sleep at all the night before and was actually shaking when I got there. Turns out it was fine and I even laughed for the first time in 3 months. As I turned on my car to go home the first song on the radio was The Police - Every Breath You take ( I'll be watching you). I took it as a sign that my partner had been with me and it made me smile. 

I felt like I had finally turned a little corner but the grief monster made me pay for that feeling later. I cried all evening and couldn't sleep until 4.30am. I woke this morning feeling like crap and tears won't stop. It's just exhausting. 

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Grief really is like a monster.. always lurking and ready to pounce just when you think you might be making some sort of progress. I made it through a week of work without having any major break downs. I try to keep my mind busy all day and started engaging in some activities after just not to have to come home to an empty house. I had to go to the bank after work today. I was doing fine until one of the bankers who my husband and I usually deal with began talking to me. We spent a lot of time doing business at the bank...he mainly and being back there without him just made me so sad. In fact, every time I find myself having to do things that he would usually take care of it just sets me back. He was such an efficient business man...so charismatic and dynamic at what he did. It's one of the many things I loved and admired about him. All that and the fact that he had the biggest heart in the world. Oh how I love and miss him so very much.

Most Friday nights we would get together with one of my husband's closest friends and his wife. Us four were very close. I miss seeing them. I've been out with them once since and it us so very sad to be out without him. They've asked me out since that but I always turn them down because being with them, although I love them and they have been so supportive, it's hard to see them and not miss my love. I know I need to start getting back out and meeting people but it's just so hard sometimes. I prefer to just stay in once I'm here. 

I pray that we all continue to take those baby steps and get stronger each day. 

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Oh Katie, I understand. I am 59, my husband was 62. He passed suddenly on Nov 21 with no warning. He was going to retire this spring. We had put money down on a empty nest/retirement home for us two days before he passed. I was out of town, unable to reach him and I had to get the sheriffs dept to go in. I took time off work because I really can't function very well right now. I can't sleep but I spend days in bed just crying. I saw a doctor and am on an antidepressant but it is not helping. Like you, I lost my mom, who I loved so much. Then my dad a year later. I thought losing my mom was bad but as you say, this is something else entirely. There is no way to be prepared for this. This loss is so deep. I feel like I have had my heart cut out. The tears are always there waiting to flow. And to make it worse, I am terrified. He took care of so many things. I have no idea what to do now. No parents and my husband suddenly gone. Like you, I want so much to know he's ok and that I can look forward to being with him again but there is nothing but silence. How can someone be here one day and gone the next? I also don't want to do this anymore either.

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JC_TX - I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could say something to bring you comfort but I know there are no words. I've read others say in time it will get easier to cope with our grief. Right now I can only manage one day at a time, sometimes not even that. Like you I am terrified of continuing on without my partner, and I don't want to. I'm not suicidal but I wish I could be with him. I found him in the morning, collapsed on the living room floor. He had died during the night while I was sleeping. I did CPR whilst I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive but I knew he had gone. I was too late, I had let him down. That morning is haunting me. I cannot sit in that room now, I live in our bedroom. Its not that I'm afraid of that room, but its just too sad to be there. I'm consumed by guilt with everything I do. Basic things such as showering, eating, even breathing. I burnt my arm the other day and he wasn't there to kiss it better. He wasn't there to tell me everything will be ok. God, I miss him. 

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One moment at a time is all we can do sometimes. 

And it is such a common thought to not be suicidal, but wish we could die and be with our loves.  I still have many moments where I feel this way.  Tomorrow is 5 months.  I don't know how I made it. I don't know how I can sleep or eat or work or care for my daughter and pets.....I just do.  

It does get easier, but you still get hit by tidal waves.  You will go a whole week feeling ok and the following week you are a mess again.  

And people say such thoughtless things. 

I am sorry we are all going thru this.  I miss my husband so much. I know you all miss your love as well.  

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JC_TX,

I am sorry for your loss.  I do know what it feels like, been there, that is my life now.  In the beginning I was terrified, anxious, in shock, did not see how I could live a week without him!  He was everything to me!

It's been 11 1/2 years now, it's hard to believe.  I remember thinking, in my family we live a long time, I could live 40 years without him!  That terrified me!  I learned to not look at the whole rest of my life, which was daunting, and just stay in today, just try to get through this day...one day at a time.  I learned to rely on myself or hire it done, not always easy since money was a problem.  I lost my job three times since he died, went through the recession, finally retired.  It's been hard, the week I retired (I'd lost my job and after a year of applying to 350 jobs without being hired I decided to retire), I found out I needed a new roof.  My ex boss said he'd pay my insurance for the rest of the year but didn't.  He didn't pay me my wages either.  I had medical issues.  On and on it went.  I tell you this not to scare you but to share with you that I have made it through everything and I'm still here, I have a roof over my head and you can tell by looking at me I haven't missed a meal. :)  In the beginning thoughts of my George brought immense pain, but somewhere along the way it changed to bringing me comfort and encouragement.  I took him in to job interviews with me...the interviewer couldn't see him, but he was there inside of me with all his confidence in me.  Lest you think I'm crazy, they haven't hauled me off yet.  I've learned so much on this grief journey.  I learned that it changed from the most indescribable intense pain to one of learning to coexist with my grief.  It's like it changes us, like there is an underlying sadness that exists in each of us as we continue to miss our person.  But I've also learned to live in the present, to look for joy in life, no matter how small.  The big joy, my George, is gone, but I can still fully experience the small joys that come my way.  I had my first grandchild two years ago and am going to get two more this year.  I have a dog and a cat that I love and they give me incentive to keep going.  Finding purpose was harder, that took a long time, but I've managed to create a routine for myself with things built in to look forward to.  Nothing is as it was, but I've learned to make my life one that I can live.  Of course we'd all trade it in a heartbeat to have our husband/wife back, but being as that is not an option, we continue...we have no other palatable option.

You will get through this, we will be here for you if you want us to.  It does help to express yourself.  It helps to know there are others that get it and understand.  And believe me, we do.

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