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Katie S

I don't want to do this anymore

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My partner of 31 years passed away on October 6th 2016 and I am destroyed. No warning, no time to say our goodbyes. He'd had an acute heart attack caused by blocked arteries. How can he be here one day, then just gone?  He was 56 and I am 49. This is beyond cruel. We were supposed to grow old together.  I just want to be with him but instead i'm stuck in this existence with no purpose. He was my sole purpose, he was my life. I miss him every second and I will never stop loving him. If anything I feel I love him more if that's even possible. Like many on here I'm desperate for some sort of sign that he's ok but I've had nothing. I cling on to the hope that there is an afterlife and that one day we will be together again. My mum passed away in May 2016 and that was so hard to deal with but losing my partner is the worst thing that could have ever happened. It's completely different to losing a relative but not many people get it.  His family don't understand why i am struggling so much and have said some things to me which are hurtful even though I know that was not their intention.  They don't live in the same country as me, we communicate online. His brother basically said to me that he wasn't going to contact me for a while. He said I could contact him when I was 'feeling better'. So i guess that's the end of that conversation.   

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Hello Katie

I too lost my husband on 6th October, a day after my birthday from a heart incident.  I am sorry for your distress and loss although these words are not even adequate.  It's heart-rending because the longer it goes on the more the sorrow seems to set in and the panic that we won't see them again.  It's like you have lost two people, your loved one and yourself as you realise there is no looking at life again through the same pair of eyes, and that hurts.  A partner is the one you can do just nothing with and that's just ok. I am 51 and I thought we would have a fair few more years.  It hurts beyond belief I know and the suddenness adds to the trauma.  If you are anything like me you may not have processed it fully yet either.  You are right when you say people don't always understand.  Sometimes people think when they don't see you crying outwardly then you mustnt be crying inside either.  Plus, this is a double bereavement so your resources to cope must be running so very low as well.  Losing your Mum is a major bereavement.  Have you had any medical help or counselling to help you?  I truly, really empathise with you regarding your partner's passing.  Heart events don't wait around until you have got used to the idea do they.  That's an extra pile of distress.  Don't do what I am doing and bottling everything inside - it makes you more isolated.  My Husband and I believe in the ressurection and I have hope, it's that what you mean by 'afterlife'.  It's a sad life for us but I hope we are able to manage through each day the best we can.   Take care Katie.

 

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TLW19 - I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I could never had imagined the pain and devastation we are going through. You are so right when you say its like  losing two people. We were together for so long we became one person and i don't know how I'm still here. I feel guilty about that and long to be with him. I cry every day multiple times a day. Grief assaults me constantly, it doesn't care if I'm alone or with others. I prefer to be alone to be honest. Its all i can do most days to get out of bed. I haven't been able to return to work but I know that can't go on much longer. I have had medical help from my GP who prescribed anti anxiety and anti depressants but i had terrible side effects so i had to stop taking them. I can't sleep, I've lost weight and my hair is falling out. Just great!!! My GP also gave me the details of some grief counselling but I haven't contacted them yet as as soon as I talk about my partner I break down.

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Hello again Katie

As you talk about your 'GP' I am thinking you are a UK resident.  If so, is it CRUSE counselling you are talking about.  Depending on where you live there can be a long waiting list. It wasn't for me, so my GP is arranging something different. I was offered anti anxiety and antidepressants but I was too scared to take them after I read the side effects so I am going through this horrendous life without.  I have developed panic attacks as well.  For the first month I couldnt get out of bed until late afternoon either and I have gone back a bit in that respect as I don't want to now either.  I understand all about the weight and hair thing too.  If you are anything like me your head will feel like it's ready to explode. It feels like there is a dirty, glass screen between me and the outside 'ordinary' world as well.   I feel very guilty that I am still here too and I grieve for my husband's lost opportunities and life experiences.  I also don't know how I am still here, but it's not a functioning life anymore.  I hope I haven't depressed you any further, I belong to a UK forum as well and it's truly shocking how many wives/partner's have lost their spouses to heart attacks and indeed on this one as well.  This time last year I never would have thought I would be writing about this, as you didnt. I hope things get more tolerable for you and I and all of us on this site - I'm not looking forward to trying though.  All my best wishes. PS - I write to my husband every night as if I am talking to him and telling him what I have done in the day.  I can't say it's a comfort all the time but it does help sometimes.

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Yes I live in the UK and it is CRUSE counselling and also Trinity hospice counselling that has been recommended by my GP. Its disappointing to learn CRUSE has a long waiting list as that was the one I was hoping to try. My mum passed away in the hospice so I didn't want to use their counselling service as I thought it would be too difficult. Medication can be really helpful but its not for everyone including me. I also talk to my partner all the time and kiss his photo. I still have all his belongings exactly where he left them. Tears are now flowing as I write this..............

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Hello Katie

I am so sorry for distressing you Katie, maybe I should not have been so specific.  I was offered counselling with Trinity Hospice as my Husband was offered care there, it just felt too close for comfort so I opted for a GP referral.  There must be many Trinity Hospices as I am talking about Trinity Hospice in Bispham Blackpool.   So sorry again for distressing you and causing you hurt Katie.

 

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TLW19 - your kind words of support have brought me nothing but comfort and I want to thank you with all of my shattered heart for taking the time to reply to me. 

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Thanks for your understanding Katie, please take care and I hope you have a peaceful a night as possible.  If there is a facility to private message and you need to, please don't hesitate.  I don't even know if you can do that on this site as I am new to it.  I belong to a lovely, friendly and supportive UK community called "The Sue Ryder Online Community". 

Warmest regards Tina.

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Katie S and TLW19---so sorry, you have my condolences. What is it with heart attacks? My husband also. His last day was great, we had a friend over for awhile in the afternoon. Having a good time talking, laughing. We had a normal night, cooked supper, the cleanup and then watching tv.  Later that night, after going to bed, he was gone.I understand about being together so long, a couple becomes like one. We completed each other. Our losses have changed us forever.

I hope this forum becomes your comfort zone like it has for me. We are all going through such similar reactions. No sleep, weight loss and hair loss. Panic attacks, crying spells.

We will survive this ordeal. We have no choice. It is said on here by others further along their journey that it will get easier to carry this pain, that we adjust to it. We will find a new purpose and life for ourselves. God bless us all, I hope so.

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I am so sorry for your loss Katie (and you too of course TLW).  My husband also passed due to an unexpected heart attack.  I lost my best friend and it is the worst feeling.  Thoughts are with you.

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Hi everyone. Thank you for your support. It means so much to me. We are all existing now in a life we didn't choose and its pure hell. However, it is so comforting to be able to share my feelings on here knowing I won't be told to 'get over him and move on' or even 'you are still young, you will find someone else'. The family members who are saying that to me obviously don't know me. I could never or would ever do that. To even write these words brings more pain to my already broken heart.

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Katie S....l'm so sorry for your loss..it's so unfortunate that we are all here going through this. I lost my husband on October 19th 2016 from a sudden heart attack. 

I can relate with you when you say people say the most awkward things to us sometimes..I believe they mean we'll buy they just have no idea of what we are going through. Last night a friend invited me to small social event and was very insistent that I attend because he felt like I need to get out and socialize so it will help get my mind off my situation. I didn't attend because I'm in no mood or frame of mind to meet people and smile through an entire evening so everyone could think I am ok.

Each day is a challenge for us..just getting out of bed is hard much less having to fully function in our daily lives..but we are expected to and eventually we have to. Woke up this morning knowing it's going to be another hard day for me. I have an uncle who has been ailing for some time now from cancer and he's on his last now. I know I should visit him but I just don't know how. 

I hope and pray for us to make it through this somehow. 

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My condolences and thoughts are with everyone on here who has lost their spouse/partner. I know there are no words which can even come close to describe what we are all going through. 

Nads - I understand you not being able to attend a social event. I couldn't do it either. Its exhausting pretending you are ok when you are anything but. I can't do anything yet that we enjoyed doing together as a couple. Even watching our favourite tv show. Its just too painful. 

Mornings are the worst time for me too. Reality hits hard the minute I open my eyes. I spend so many days being unable to get out of bed. 

I am so sorry about your uncle. My mum passed away in May from cancer. I know how hard it will be for you. ((((hugs)))) 

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I'm sorry for all of your losses.  We don't have to get referrals to counselors in the US because we pay for it ourselves, few have coverage through insurance and when they do it's usually a reg. counselor, not a grief one and for a limited period of time. 

My husband was sudden heart attack also, he was 51, I was 52.  Never expected that in a million years!

I'm glad you're listening to your inner self and what is right for you.  People's responses are often inappropriate because they do not understand what it's like.  They might think they know how they'd handle it if they went through it, but they have not a clue.

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KatieS..I gathered up enough courage to visit my uncle and I'm so glad that I did. He has been ailing for some time so he wasn't able to attend the funeral for my husband. We spoke on the phone a bit though. I'm glad I did because I could tell he was happy to see me cause he hugged me and didn't want to let go. I'm so sorry for his pain. Am I selfish but in a way I am relieved that my beloved husband never had any pain and suffering???? Part of me wanted to ask my uncle when he meets my husband to let him know how much I loved and missed him but I know that would be a horrible thing to say to someone who is dying. Just writing this I feel like a horrible person. I just miss my husband so much and desperately feel the need to communicate with him. 

I hope you had a stronger day today Kate and I pray for strength for us to get through tomorrow.

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Nads, Brave of you to visit your uncle, despite your own suffering. He was so happy to see you and was most likely missing you. I feel that humbleness, compassion and empathy are brought out even more in those of us going through our own grieving. It is what we wish more of from the people in our lives at this time. Your uncle will remember your visit and your love. I feel that when he makes his transition, he will reunite with your husband and they both will be proud of that visit. Your husband was probably with you on that visit spiritually. He's already proud of you for continuing on.

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Katie,

I lost my heart (my husband) on 12/6/16 and like you didn't know how I was going to live without him.  We had been married for almost 45 years and was still so much in love with one another.  He was my life, father our two children and best friend and I didn't mind telling him so.  We often told one another how much we loved each other and I was glad he knew that when he left this world.  I too desperately needed to know if he was OK and thought that if I knew he was OK then I'd be OK.  I would often have dreams and actually remember their contents,  but since his passing, hadn't had any.  I needed a sign, be it a dream, a person (they say God works in mysterious ways) or something else - anything else.   Last week while reading my daily devotions, I was overwhelmed with grief and began to cry.  I put the book down I was reading and began to say the Lord's Prayer.  After that I closed my eyes and ask for Gods strength and peace in my life.  Suddenly, it seemed like a veil covered me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and I felt this inner peace that was unimaginable.  God actually spoke to my spirit and said "He's OK".  I immediately knew my husband was OK. A weight was lifted from my heart that only God could lift.   God in his infinite wisdom will let us know the answers to our questions; all we need do is trust him and open our heart.  My wish is that you find the assurance and peace our are looking for.  

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Nads - You were so brave visiting your uncle and I'm glad it went well. To witness someone going through so much pain is heartbreaking and I too am thankful my partner didn't suffer in that way. I understand your desperation for wanting to know your husband is ok. We would say or do anything to get that confirmation. 

Francine - I am so sorry for your loss. How wonderful for you to know that your husband is ok. I can only imagine the comfort that brought you. You said a weight was lifted that only God could lift. I am not religious and I am fearful that I will never get the assurance I so desperately need. 

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Katie

 While you may not be a religious person, I'll continue to pray that you receive the assurance you need. Take care!

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Francine - thank you so much. Its times like this I wish I did have more faith as I know it can bring so much comfort. 

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I went back out to back from today. As I woke up this morning I prayed for strength to make it through the day. When driving to work I gave myself a pep talk. I actually didn't have a bad day. Guess I was distracted from my grief a bit as I was crazy busy most of the day. I was dreading coming home from work so I visited a cousin at the hospital who went in to have a baby. She had no other visitors at that time so I was relieved about not having to run into other people or relatives. Got home a bit late and was very tired so I hope I get more sleep than usual. As I write this I could feel my heart sinking as I'm missing my husband so much. I pray for all of us to start having better days....ones that don't hurt so much and ones that make us so tired all we can do is fall asleep...sad. 

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Nads - I'm so glad your first day back at work went well. I start back on the 23rd Jan and already I am getting stressed/anxious about going back. Part of me will welcome the distraction I so badly need but I am also so worried that I won't be able to remember how to actually do my job due to major brain fog. I work in a large office and another concern of mine is imagining my co workers all staring at me with a look of pity on their faces. I hope I am wrong and that won't happen. I do tend to over think things too much. But like you I am hoping it will help with sleep. 

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Going back to work is tough and it's difficult to keep it together when your co-workers approach you to offer comfort but it will happen and most of them do mean well. I realize they just don't know what to say and sometimes end up sounding insensitive. But being back at work busys your mind for a little time and helps to distract you a bit from your grief. All through it though it's like a cloud of darkness just hangs over you. All that but I'm thankful to be able to get out of the house every day now. I'm even looking into activities I can do after work to occupy my time instead of coming home to an empty house each day. Maybe go to the gym or a yoga class or something. Pray that we all have a better day today and grow a little stronger with each moment we move forward. 

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Thank you Nads for your words of encouragement. Instead of dreading going back to work I'm going to try and think of it as a positive step. I'm sure there will be a lot of moments spent in the loos having a good cry and maybe even a few tears at my desk but I'm sure my co workers will understand. I also like your idea of doing an activity after work to delay going home. My partner worked from home so he was always there to welcome me with a big smile on his face. I would give anything to have one more day with him to see that smile again. Just one more day.......

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